Reflection's Selfportrait

[hoppe as guest]

Hi reflection

I hope you did not pick so far and manage to stick to your plan!

I am at work and I feel a bit depressed. Like you I have this feeling that things have been going to well for to long - I am afraid to fall. So afraid. I have been so happy during the last couple of days. Picking would completely destroy that. I cannot allow it to happen!

Do not beat yourself up over having eaten to much - especially if it was healthy food. Another day you will eat less and things will regulate themselves. You have stress enough with trying to resist picking!

Reflection, be strong. You know so many valuable tips on how to prevent picking, use them on yourself! Light a candle. Listen to some nice music. If you happen to go to the mirror, smile at yourself and step away from it again. Remember how much you want to become pick-free. I think you can make it.

hoppe

[R]

Used a CD as a mirror-
i dont wanna set myself another goal- im too scared to break it.

Goodnight.

[hoppe]

Hi Reflection

I am sorry about the picking. But do not beat yourself up over it. Focus on the times where you managed to not pick. Remember the analogy with the wood. So- you took the old path. That does not mean that you cannot take the new one next time!

I hope this day will be better for you. You said you have vaccation - I guess that is tough because there is not so much to distract you from picking... . Hang in there!

BTW - I replied to your post about the chat. I wanted to add to it that if you want to we can chat some time. I think we are in similar time zones - that makes it a lot easier.

Sending you some positive thoughts!

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi reflection

I was worried about you yesterday. I hope the dinner you went to was okay and that you had fun despite your picking.

If you feel like picking today, come here to write instead! And let me know how you are doing.... .

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi reflection

I am doing fine, thank you.

I am glad that you had a nice evening yesterday! Do not feel ashamed about telling someone about the shrink you are seeing. It will be okay. Your friend might not even remember (don't know how much you guys were drinking.... ), but even if he does, he probably has some kind of problems himself (everybody does!) so he can probably relate to it in some way.

I also sometimes get really angry - especially when I have picked, and that triggers more picking, more anger and so on. It is good you could let out your anger in another way. I usually break things - pencils and stuff - that helps with the anger. And I cry. A lot, but it helps.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi reflection

Remember only to break pencils you did not like anyway! I actually keep old pencils just for the purpose of breaking them at some point .... ;D.

Sorry about the mug. But maybe it is better to break a mug than take out the anger on your face.

I wanted to ask you - in which country are you? UK?

hoppe

[R]

true. Ill start my pencil collection, or box or somehting- i have a punching bag maybe that would help.
I live in France.
R u in UK?

[hoppe]

Hi reflection

I would love to have a punching bag!

France.... ! How did you end up there? You are Norwegian originally, aren´t you? I live in Sweden (but I come from Germany).

I slept a few hours. Nice..... . I love sleeping. A wonderful peaceful state of mind.

How are you doing?

hoppe

[R]

hey
thats good- if u sleep atleast u wont pick.
i got there cos of my parents work.
If going good today- have only picked once.
hows it going for u?
reflection

[hoppe]

Hi reflection

I picked a little..... .

I am not to surprised by it, it had to happen again at some point. But I feel a little sad right now.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi reflection

I am sorry to hear that you picked too.

I am still struggling a little here. Not because I want to pick more, but because I was really shocked by the intense feelings I was having while I picked.... .

Reflection, do not set yourself to many goals at a time. I mean both the diet and trying to stop picking. It might be better to focus on one ting at a time.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi reflection

Do not be so hard on yourself.
Perfect is not possible that is true. I always thought if I just could get perfect I would be happy, but I finally realized that it is so not true. Actually, at the end of the day, it means so little if others perceive you as perfect or not - the only important thing is how you feel inside.

BTW - almost messed up again a second ago. Maybe I should go to sleep (almost 1 am).

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi reflection

That was wonderful to read. I could recognize myself in so much of it. I think, I would have loved to have a friend like you when I was younger.

I was also perfect. People I did not know would say that they had heard about me and how perfect I was. I was good looking, best at everything in school, never drank, never smoked (still have not tried!), never did anything inappropriate, never broke a rule. The two things I loved the most were my books and my piano. I was the perfect daughter. But what did I get out of it?

Nothing. I can look at old pictures and I can cry because I think I want to go back and be this person again. But that is not really true. I was perfect but I did not live. I was not happy. It was a constant fight for control and for staying perfect.... . All I want today is feel peace inside of me. I do not care if I am the best at what I am doing, or what others think about me. It does not matter.

Reflection, it is good that you write about these things- I think it will help you on the way to figure out who you are and who you want to become.

Hope you are doing fine!

hoppe

[R]

Hey Hoppe,

I think a lot of pickers feel like you and me and want perfection. maybe thats y we pick. Its not perfect and we have to fix it. But then we notice it looks bad, but we have started so we have to complete it.

I fear so much in my life and think my future depends on wat i do now.. its not so.

I wanna be happy! I wanna be able to go any were and not feel fat and ugly. not hide behind make up. I wanna finish school. its so much pressure. a year of would be good. Then I will fight and fight adn concentrate on only me and these things and nothing else. I am soo close now i cant give up. Sinking feels good, it really does, but it is not an option.

I dont regret what i have done. I am glad I did it all.. excpet gaining the weight and the picking- but I think some day we all can find ourselvs at rest and happy with who we are.

thanx for respondign. gotta go
reflection

[Reflection as guest]

17:34-
feel like picking put right now i wont- i ahve today though, tghis morning before school started again, when i only had 10 min to take shower and get ready.... and again when i got bome.. but today i wont- however i feel like eating my way out of it. i feel stuck and scared to move cos either way i will feel bad.
i dunno, this sux.. i guess i should be positive, go for a walk... but its hard.
I needa be stronger, so much stronger. Where is my motivation? I gotta live now,y do i think somethign suddenly will change me? I guess im hopign to get back the controll i had when i had eating dissorder- i miss that controll sooo much.
but i know its not a good controll at all.
last night i was going crazy.. i had to pick.. i layed in bed and kept scratching and picking my back for so long.. i felt the pain.. it hurt.. but then i realized wat i was thinking- as long as i get the stuff inside out, the pain will go away. there will be a relief when it is out.. it was strange.. then i moved on to my face, it was dark i didnt see but i scratched... it wasnt so bad in face though..
i know what to do.. why dont i do it? I feel liek im exploding inside..
reflection