Reflection's Selfportrait

[Hecate as guest]

Hey Reflection, I've been asking myself the same thing.In the last 3 days I only picked at few spots & didn't do much damage.Was that "normal" or compulsive picking?Is there such thing as non compulsive picking for someone who is suffering from OSP.Whatever the answer is I'm not going to beat myself up.It seems like we're both doing really well. ;D

[reflection as guest]

I think every pick has to do with a desire to pick more and so every pick, no matter how little it is, is connected to CSP for a compulsive skin picker. I therefore will try my best not to pick at all.. This morning i did one, but not a lot and last night as I said. However I will count the two as full ZT days and from now on ZT means No picking at all. My skin looks better. Wat about urs? However I got photo back today from school and when I was smiling I had wrinkles around my eyes. i know they arent only smiling wrinkles. I think it might be because of all the soap i use in my face etc.. I am really unhappy bout the way my skin is at times...However I guess it will all get better right? I guess like u do, not wearing make up, would be better, but i just feel a need to. and it makes me feel better so i guess ill continue.. DO u think not wearing make up will help scars heal faster?
Anyway i hope that u feel good and havnt picked. I dunno wat it is but we both seem better according to the entries.
Hope its so
Reflection ;D

[reflection as guest]

on my 3rd day of ZT

[Reflection as guest]

broke my 2 days of ZT but nothing big.. I promised myselft to buy nice lingerei or a perfum if a managed 3 days.. i was close n next time will manage.

[hoppe]

Hi reflection

I am sorry to hear that you broke your ZT - but it is good that it was not bad and that you still seem to be positive and happy! And 2 days of ZT is actually a great achievement! You can do it again!



hoppe

[Reflection as guest]

Thanx Hoppe,
but suddenly I changed... I just picked again. My mom came up later and saw my face. Saturday is her party... She said she will not be able to have a happy memory of this party unless we help each other.
I know she mean unless I stop picking these days around the party..
SHIT SHIT SHIT... Why do I do this?? I hate this. Im sorry for the language but I am just so pissed...

I know I can stop.. Y dont it..
3 days is all i gotta be able to do to reward myself. Tonigth I will do what i have planned academically, then hang out with guests, have a nice auromatic bath with lotions etc... and then sleep.
Hope I can get into the postive attitude.
OK Tonight is day O of ZT. A new Start.

[hoppe]

Hi reflection

Hope you had a nice evening after all - and managed to do all you wanted to do.
It must be really hard for you right now with your mother's party coming up - I hope she sees that you really are trying the best you can.

Sometimes I wish we could help each other more than just writing encouraging words..... . I think if we would live next door, I would go over and hold your hand through three days of ZT. I don't know if it would help, but I feel that it would make a difference for me if there was a person around that would really understand how hard it is. Like during my last ZT attempt, after I managed 4 days, I felt proud - but there was noone to acknowledge it, noone who saw it and said - that was great. I did not tell my boyfriend, but even if I had, he would never understand how damned hard it was/is.... .

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi reflection

I am glad that you - and maybe also your parents - could put things into another perspective after hearing about your visitors son. Even before I read it I thought immediately that you should not punish yourself for eating some dried fruits.... reflection you are so hard on yourself!! You are trying so hard- acknowledge that.

There is something I remembered the other day - in school I once had a teacher who gave very strange grades/marks - someone that did worse could still get an equal or even better grade than someone that seemed to do much better. She explained this to me - I do not give grades for the result, but for the effort you put in! In a way I liked that. Of course the result is also important, but it is maybe of greater importance to see how hard someone is trying and acknowledge that! I know you are trying hard, I can see that and I want to let you know I am proud of you and I hope that you soon will be able to live as you want to and love yourself the way you are.

But look who is talking - I think I am also to hard on myself..... . I want the same as you - I want to love - myself, others, life.... . I am working on it.

Hope, you will have a nice day. I just got up - and I feel very happy right now. Hope this day will be good for me too.

hoppe

[Hecate]

Hey,I think you're doing really well,esp. with your mother's party comin up.You're right,don't need to be so hard on your self,sometimes we're our own worst enemies.Slips are to be expected in any rercovery & if we beat ourselves up about it just makes things worst.Like you I would love to have a real life support group for OSP,wonder if it allready exists somewhere?I've started working the 12 steps & praying for the desire to pick to be taken away.For now it's working,on the second day of ZT.

[Reflection as guest]

Im managing. Thanx for u optimistic words hoppe and hecate..
They mean a lot to me.
Reflection

[Reflection as guest]

1 night untill my mother's Birthday.
Overall I think I have gotten better, but it doesnt look like it because I messed up the last couple of days.
I think I have to see the future as a healing process and not so much as a restriction.
I need to keep my hands away, yes. But that makes it sound so difficult and makes me more tempted. Instead Im entering a healing period where I will do everything I can to get better.
Ill drink lots of water, stay on my healthy diet, Use the new avene products I have bought. (milk cleanser, cream, mask) I will take calming baths and try to be aware. I will set my self goals too like I have been doing, but right now I need to take a break with it.

My healing start tonight, right now.
Reflection

[Reflection as guest]

I picked from 5:30-6:50 last night.. or i mean this morning.. anyway after I had gone out...
I feel so bad..I feel like Im destroying myself, aging myself and slowly leaving who I was... Distaning myself.
I dunno wat to do.
Sometimes its better not to try cos I will fail anyway. Today is one of those days..
We got guests again.. I went out late and this mornnign they said OOO u look great! Ude never known u were out that late.
But its all a mask. A mask of pretty clothes, of done up hair and lots of make up.
I do not want to hide under this mask. I wanna be able to enjoy everything and not do this to me.
There is a lot of stress- my mothers party.. I made a speech, i was so proud.. Well I guess thats one good thing.. And then there are the unis, the IB, my weight, family things etc...
I know all this will be better next year when I have gone away from home and when I am taking a gap year. I need it. I will get over this. (Just maybe not today)
Reflection

[hoppe as guest]

Hi Reflection

Thanks for your post in my journal! It means a lot. I am sorry to hear you picked too.

If you are still here - maybe you feel like talking? I will wait in the chat room for some minutes.

hoppe

[Reflection as guest]

I just did something i hate myself for. I used scissors and I cut of the top of a bump. It was a bump that had formed into a blister thingon my face adn i cut the top of and then picked and used tweezers for a second to pull of the skin. It didnt hurt at all.
Not though i feel it pouding and it will soon hurt..
I covered myself in foundation without cleaning again.. I knwo ill get infected.

Reflection

[hoppe]

Hi reflection

Been there too .... have used scissors, tweezers, needles. Do still use needles to open some spots... . Used on today... . At something that certainly did not need it. So I expect to be very infected around that area by tomorrow.

I am really sorry for you. I think you really need a time out. There is so much going on in your life - at home and in school. You have an interview soon, right? Hope things get less stressful after that.

I so wish I could write something that made a big difference. But I cannot. All I can do is say, I care about you and I think about you and I hope you will get better soon.

hoppe