Reflection's Selfportrait

[hoppe as guest]

Hi reflection

I am still at work, but I just saw your post. Are you okay, sweetie? You sound so sad. Is there a lot you need to do for school? Maybe you can just take the evening off, sit with a candle light and a book or something?

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi reflection

I am home now. I guess you are doing stuff for school?
I just wanted to say - if you feel like chatting, I would love to. I had a bad day, and I am really worried right now that I will take it out on my face.... .
I will hang around for a while and see if you show up... .

hoppe

[reflection]

im sorry u had a bad day.
im on chat now if u wanna talk.

[Reflection as guest]

Three free things that will help your skin, your health and your habit:

Water
Exercise
Fresh Air

Today I will be focusing on those, I had a relaxing morning will an aromatherapy bath and fruit salad- even did sit ups. Feel so good. Today I will be working, exercising and No picking. Havent picked since yesterday afternoon.
;D

Reflection

[Reflection as guest]

I just wrote a long post but deleated it by mistake-
i picked last night after i got home-
maybe cos i ate desert at the restaurant- food makes me feel incomplete and guilty at times.
maybe cos i didtn dance at the club- i have danced the past 3 times but tehn i have been drunk. i dont wanna have to get drunk all the time- i hate it. i hate drinking like that- i only like relaxing. So i tried to dance sober and i felt trapped. so trapped and clostrofobic in my own body. Also discussion with ex boyfriend didnt help.
I just went straight to the mirror and stayed there for 30 minuted. i had finally started to clear up and get controll.. im so dissapointed.
i dont wanna make new goals or plans today. i take it as it comes and try to keep my grandfathers words in mind.
reflection

[hoppe]

Thank you for the chat, reflection.
Remember our promise.
And come here if you need to talk.

hoppe

[reflection]

hey Hoppe,
im still ok. r u? 4;00
Im painting today- wont care about work or anything.. getting into the trance of painting instead of picking. Hope u r good.
promis is being kept
reflection

[hoppe]

Hi reflection

Had a fight with my boyfriend..... . Was so upset, I picked at one spot. Trying to stay from the mirror now.
I am sad about a new scar I discovered on my cheek..... . I want to stop!
Maybe I should paint something ..... or write.... .

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi reflection

How is the painting going?

Talked to my boyfriend for a while- he cried... . He is so frustrated that he cannot help me... . I understand him.

I am ok otherwise. Some desire to pick, but I want to heal! I have so many scabs... .

hoppe

[Reflection as guest]

hey
thats good thast he talks adn that he cried shows he really cares about u.
Im still painintg- the room is covered in color. havnt picked at all yet adn have no desire too.. im too into this art.. ;D
Keep up not picking.
Reflectio

[Reflection as guest]

hey Hoppe.
I managed ok last night. I picked for say 2 minutes before bed but nothing more. I was glad about that. Then went to bed... some friends called and wanted to go out driving.. hmm so I snuck out of house in Pijamas- surprisingly i didnt care that my parents were not allowing me adn i didnt care how my face looked and just put on some foundation. It strange how I changed. Its immature- im 18 and havnt snuck out before. I think this whole picking thing has somethign to do with my freedom. i have the freedom to pick adn i can dissapoint my parents and lie to them, in a different way than other things as it only affects my face- tahts wat i thought although now i see it affect everything. However being an honest girl who doesnt do anythign against any one is frustrating. i think anorexia and picking is a means of distaning my self from them. i dunno y i would need to do that- but i guess children usually do that at soem point- hopefully thats all and ill grow out of it.
Im just sick now of lying to them adn goign behind their backs picking adn eating- I wish the fights i had with my parents were about sneeking out of the house and about drinking too much and staying out too late. U know what i mean? I mean I wihs the fighs were about normal things which normal teenagers do, instead of figthign and crying over pickign and eaten food.
Im so so so so sick of this-
My mom need support especialyl now. My dad too. and now that the party is coming up. there is a tension in the house and its not all cos of me, but i know i make it worse- soo soo worse.
I was home alone for some days adn I felt so good. I made my own food and controlled my face- they werent there behind my back all the time watchign me. I tell them not to do that and they probably dont, but i feel like their eyes and thoughts are on me all the time, controlling me and wonderign weheter i have sabotaged my self yet. My mom tells me she can never enjoy anything anymore cos all she thinks about it the face she will meet when she comes home. I take away their joy. Anyway i think all this has somethign to do with control and feeling controlled. I dunno- maybe its jsut an excuse and i think everythign will be better when i move away. but i suodltn think that.
Its just now they help me and i appreciate that.. its just i needa be alone. I dunno maybe i dont- i need them..
its just im so sick of everything. of school. of food. of picking= of everything. i just wanna get away, i wanna just mess about and not give a f**k about anythign. I feel like im lettign all the work i have done for the last 10 years of my life, waste. I feel like i am giving up a great opportunity. I mean loko at the unis i have applied to. and here i am going out everyweekend, skipping classes not working etc..
I needa get controll of everything, and thats the problem cos the more i nhave to get controll of, the less i get controll of. Tryign to get controll, without managing it, is so demotivating.
Anyway im a horrible daughter. They get home after having been gone for some days and come in smiling wanting to talk to me. I look up without smiling adn no expression on my face, im lying there in only a shirt covered with paitn all over me and the room and the hal way. the rooms are messy from last night going out. I am mad at myself , the music is on full and i answer them in as short answers as possible. They eventually stop asking em tings cos my replies are short and negative, Im egoistic adn dont give my mom, whose dad is very sick, any attention adn support. I come down later and all i talk about is how boring it was going out last night etc... My dad asks me about theory and i get mad at him for being interested. See how they try.. but i dotn? My dad had been gone for a week and when he saw me he caem and gave me a hug and said he missed me soo. I didnt hug back and mumbled.. yes.......
In reality i wasnt glad that they had come back- i was glad to be alone. But i know ide miss them at some point. I know I would.
im stuck- im leaving next year adn i guess this is the feeling one gets- the transition between feeling as if ones needs them and the feelign one gets of wanting to leave.
Anyway i have so much to do.. all i wanna do is mess around. I bet u ill go buy sweets at the gas station once my dad has left the house.. and then ill eat adn eat and try to do work, I skipped class again to miss a math test. Well anyway i didnt do my theory test which i was ment to on the day i missed math.
My mom just called and said she knew i snuck out. (I feel like im 15- except for when i was 15 i never did anything like this- never lied or snuck out) She seems so rigth and logic. as long as i live at home i have to take consideration to everyone she says- and its true. i dont do that so much. As she says there havnt been so many rules.. i told her i was si9ck of following everything. but its true that i havnt had strict parents. Maybe thats y i havnt broken anything. And that they controll me and come and check on how im doign wiht my face adn with school work is because i ask for their help. I do ask i guess, so i shouldnt blaim them. Really when I think about it they are the logical one, who understand me and out of all my friends they seem to be the best and more letting parents. Yet I act the way i do.
About sneeking out, they were ok with it, but thought it was badto do ti last night as i had woken them up by mistake adn also cos we had fought before. And about going out, they are ok as long as i do it once a week. and i can stay out til whenever, About eating they wanna help me adn if i dont get into the dress they will buy me a new one for the party. And then about picking they tryn everything- cover the mirror, take me to theraoy-pay for ti and help me drive there. they drive me everywhere, help me with schoo., try to get me go jogging, pay for facials.. they even said at one point that they would reward me if i managed not to pick for a month. That was hard but they try. They really really do try. They do everythign for me- so why am i like i am?? I have everything i shoudl possible want:They are always there for me no matter what and in all ways understand me- but its up to me to fix the things i mess up....
Anyway this became a post about a lot more than my picking- but its all connected.
Anyway i gotta work soon. If I do taht i will be happy- take a day at the time i guess.
Reflection

[hoppe]

Hi reflection

I like that you were sneaking out of the house..... rebelling in that way is better than doing it through picking!
I think you are at a very difficult point in your life right now - a part of you wants to leave home and your parents and live your own, independent life - another part wants to stay home, where things feel safe and there are people to take care of you and help you out.

I think, you are right your parents are doing everything possible- at least from a logical, intellecutal point of view, everything practical, they can do... but I still have the feeling that something important is missing - I will call it unconditional love. I think the only persons in the world from who you can ask and expect unconditional love are your parents ... but your parents seem to make their love conditional, dependent on how your picking/eating/studying is going.

I know how it is to ask for help but not being sure if you really want it - I am going through the same with my boyfriend. I asked him for help, asked him to keep an eye on me and to stop me from picking, but everytime he does so, I get angry, I feel controlled and I want to rebell. I guess it is the same with your parents. And it does not make it better how frustrated and disappointed he gets than his help does not seem to make the big difference he hoped for and that I still pick. However, although I understand him, as well as your parents, I still think that your mother is making a mistake by telling you that she cannot enjoy things anymore becauee she is so afraid of coming home and seing your face - reflection your mother's happiness is not your responsebility. I know, she is going through some difficult times with your grandfather (and so are you), but she cannot put that on you!

I hope you are having a good day. Mine is acceptable (no picking) but there is a latent feeling of depression and pain that is waiting to come to the surface and take over. I am trying my best to keep myself busy (cleaning!), which helps me a lot.
If you want to chat at any point today, let me know!

hoppe

[hoppe]

Reflection,

there was something I forgot to add - about your parents offering you a reward if you would not pick for a month. You know, I have discussed this with my boyfriend a few times, because he wanted to invent a reward system, where I would get small presents, which size depend on how many days I have not picked... . But you see, after some careful consideration I realized the following - if I could manage not to pick for a week or a month, I would not need a reward. As a matter of fact I cannot imagine a bigger reward than not having picked one month. You know, when I really need a reward? - I need a reward after a month where I picked every day. That is when I need someone to show me that I am still valuable and that I am still lovable and that I am still worth a present...... . So I told him to forget the reward system!

Just some thoughts.

hoppe

[Reflection as guest]

hey.
ur right about the reward.So right.
About my parents. they love me even though i eat too much, get fat, pick myskin adn do bad in school. They just want wats best for me and tehy know that i get sad whne i do all thosethings.
Reflection

[hoppe]

Hi reflection

I am glad things are going well! Congratulations on the math test ... I knew you were a smart girl!
I would love to chat with you later today... it is 8 pm (20:00) here, Iwill take a shower and come back.

hoppe