Nelly's picking chronicle

[Nelly]

hoppe and amylou, thanks for your concern. Nothing really bad happened; both my brother and I are ok. My brother was looking for a parking spot when some crazy old farmer guy with a pickup truck backed into his car several times in a row! He was going very slow, so there isn't even much damage to my bro's car, but it was still frightening.

Like I wrote in hoppe's journal, my parents' "black hole" bathroom finally got to me and I spent 2 hours picking last night. This morning my face was sore, which always puts me in a bad mood, because I know that I've caused some pretty bad damage... Well, I should have known that I couldn't keep on feeling good forever, it's just a fact of life, but hopefully I'll get better physically and mentally soon enough.

Hope you guys are doing well.

Nelly

[hoppe]

Hi Nelly

Just trying to post an animated image. Big hug for you:



Seems to work. Thanks for showing me how to do this!

Talk to you soon.

hoppe

[Nelly]

Hehe, thanks hoppe. That's cute.

[hoppe]

Hi Nelly

Thanks for the chat yesterday! :-)

I hope you came home safe.

The picture above disappeared, but I put it there again. What makes it disappear temporarily, do you know that?

Have a nice pick-free day.

hoppe

[shihui]

hi nelly,

i read about the entry where you talked about my bro's zit. haha...there was once i saw my friend who had the same kind of zit you were referring. it was big and swollen and has white pus in the middle. sounds gross to describe it...but i REALLY wanted to get the pus out!!! i felt so uneasy seeing that pimple that seemed like it was going to erupt or sth..hmm....

that "black hole" bathroom is really scary. it's like sth that you can't fight against. i hope that the damage won't stay for long. also, i want to tell you that the picture you left in my journal was inspiring, thank you.

[Nelly]

hoppe, I enjoyed talking with you yesterday. Yes, I got home ok.. There were no more incidents and my new Michelin tires seem to work beautifully. It kind of frustrated me that I had to spend so much money which I hadn't planned on, but I figure it's an investment in my safety, so that's ok. I occasionally can't view the picture you posted, either. There's probably something wrong with the website where you got it from. That's ok, I still think it was very sweet of you.

shihui, it's weird how we react to other people's skin problems. On Sunday I noticed that my brother actually had 2 zits of the same kind on his forehead and again he didn't seem to notice or care.. How do people do that? Yes, that bathroom is evil. I knew it was going to suck me in and yet I went in there anyway. It was like watching one of those horror movies where the main character is going into the basement and you just know that they are going to get hurt by something evil in there, but there's nothing you can do to stop them. That's how I felt going into that bathroom (except that I was the main character) and yet I couldn't stop myself.

Anyway, I haven't really picked since that incident on Saturday night. I just squeezed 2 or 3 blackheads on my chin this morning and that's it. There isn't much redness on my face, except that I have 4 or 5 small wounds which now seem to look worse (i.e. they're bloodier) than they did when I first created them. Oh well, hopefully the Polysporin will take care of that within a couple of days. At least I'm back to feeling pretty good today.

Nelly

[amylou as guest]

Glad your feeling good! Yes you always need good tires. Have a good day!

[Greta]

Hi Nelly!

Thank you for posting in my journal. Interesting this thing you wrote here in your journal: "I guess I still have the mentality of a compulsive picker. I wonder if that will ever change.." I just made the same statement in my journal. It stood so clear to me today. What if the mentality, the habit, the trigger, always will be there? Can we manage to be pickfree anyway? I think we can! Good to hear that you are doing well.

[Nelly]

amylou, thanks for the good wishes. I did have a good day yesterday. I wish I could say the same about today.

Greta, I was just thinking that today, too. No matter how hard I try to trick myself, I'll always be a picker. I think I'm beginning to accept that fact. So if I can get the obsession under control and have infrequent "cleansing" sessions (for example, squeeze a few blackheads once a week), then I think I can deal with that and not beat myself up over it. I believe that I've already started being nicer to myself even after I pick, which I think is an important part of the psychological healing process.

Speaking of picking, I didn't pick last night, but this morning went at it for an hour and was late for work again, etc.. At first that really annoyed me, but then I put things in perspective and realized that my face doesn't hurt and I seem to have done a good job with the make-up, so I quickly bounced back to feeling ok about myself. Still, I wish I hadn't picked, at least not for that long. Right now my main concern is not so much that I'm damaging my skin, but rather the amount of time I'm wasting on this disgusting habit when I could be doing something useful, especially when it causes me to be late for work... Oh well, I'll keep trying I guess..

Nelly

[Nelly]

I haven't really felt like updating for a couple of days. Had a frustrating picking session two days ago. Last night did some minor "cleanup"... hoping that things will get better soon. But lately I've been feeling like it will never end. One day I say "I'm feeling good today.. not much damage present, etc." and the next day it's "I had a bad picking session again.. arrgh". It just seems like an endless cycle. Well, I'm going to a cottage up north with my boyfriend for the weekend, so maybe that will refresh me and give me a break from the monotony of everyday life.

Hope everyone's doing fine.

Nelly

[amylou]

Well how fun the cottage sounds! I need to get away also! All i do is school and work but I have a honeymoon coming up! So that will definatly help! I hope you feel better soon! sending you hugs! much love! amylou

[hoppe]

Hi Nelly

I am sorry about your mood swings. I feel exactly the same way these days. One day I am fine, the next I have a bad picking session... . I just hope that the good days soon will outnumber the bad days.

Hope you will have a nice weekend. I will leave for 8 days tomorrow and will not be able to come here. I will miss you. Hope you will have a pick-free week with lots of inner peace and sunshine.

hoppe

[Nelly]

Thank you hoppe and amylou!

I'm looking forward to this weekend. Hopefully it will give me that extra push I need to extend my "feeling-good" period. I'm not feeling too mad at myself today; just kind of annoyed with the monotony of the cycle which I felt that I was on the verge of breaking several times before.

Have a good weekend, everyone!

Nelly

[ameise as guest]

Hi Nelly -

thanks for your supportive post in my journal -
I am glad that sharing my good ZT times can help other pickers remember that those good times are possible, and that we're all hopefully headed that way over the long-term

I just wanted you to know that I read your journal & I think you have a great attitude/ ability to keep picking in perspective.

I think that learning not to be so hard on myself & not to let every slip-up start a whole new pick cycle is some of the most important progress I am making.

I also can relate to the weariness with the cycle of "I thought I was getting over this, now here I am again..." But maybe that weariness can be a useful part of the recovery process, too... we'll get so tired of same-thought-cycle in our heads, maybe the ups & downs can become monotonous & lose their power to suck us in....

good luck
have a wonderful weekend in the cabin up north -- if I remember correctly you live in canada, so up north must be WAY up north. I hope it's beautiful.

ameise

[Nelly]

Thank you for your post, ameise.

The weekend in the cabin up north was nice and relaxing. We didn't have much to do other than watch movies and play with fire (in the fireplace). I practically didn't pick while I was there, but then had a 2-hour picking session when I got home Sunday night. I just felt that I needed to cleanse my skin as it hadn't been properly "maintained" while I was gone. For some reason I didn't cause too much damage and didn't feel particularly bad afterwards. I haven't really picked since then and I am in one of those positive-mood phases again. I simply don't have the urge to pick.

A friend of mine (the one who laughed at me that one time when he saw my freshly picked face) dropped by my workplace yesterday and remarked that my face looks exceptionally clear. That made me feel really good, because now I know that I'm not just fooling myself and the condition of my skin has undergone some real visible improvement. I hope I can stay in this mode for a while.

This morning I noticed that I have a couple of indented scars on my right cheek that I don't even recall creating. That depressed me a little but also made me realize that if I keep picking my face will be covered in scars like that. Hopefully, that realization will help keep me away from picking.

Nelly