Nelly's picking chronicle

[amylou]

I am very happy for how great your skin is looking! Try not to pick! Hope you are well! much love!~amylou

[hoppe]

Nelly, I am sorry about the newly discovered scars. I also recently experienced this, when I found some new scars on my left cheek. I could not remember when I had created those and stared at them for a long time in disbelief. Sigh.... .

I am glad you have been doing well otherwise. I hope you still are. I have missed talking to you. A smile for you:

hoppe

[Nelly]

Thanks amylou and hoppe.

Yup, I'm still doing pretty good, not great, but good enough to be happy with myself. After almost no picking for about a week I had a 1-hour picking session Sunday night, but I didn't seem to cause much damage and wasn't overly disappointed with myself. It looks like I'll never be completely pick-free as long as my pores keep getting clogged.. but if I can get to a point where I do occasional "maintenance" and don't cause much damage, that should be ok. Hmm, I think I've said that before..

Anyway, my skin is looking pretty decent. Nowadays I am only using a minimal amount of concealer and I don't have any open wounds, so it doesn't take long to apply the make-up. I keep hoping that one of these days I'll be able to completely scrap the make-up. I'm thinking, if I could get a light tan (which usually works pretty well on my face) that should give me the push I need to stop covering up.. But it's still winter here (-5^oC right now), so I'm guessing I won't be getting a tan any time soon...

Nelly

[amylou]

Great! I am glad you seem to be doing better! Congrats on your 1 week! Good job!

[Nelly]

Thanks, amylou.

As I wrote in hoppe's journal, I've been rather busy lately, which is why I haven't posted any updates for a while. There are no new developments worth mentioning.

I was stuck home alone Friday night with nothing to do and even though I didn't really have the urge to pick, I ended up picking mostly out of boredom. I haven't really picked since then and my skin is starting to look good again. So I guess the cycle continues.

Lately I've been spending most nights at my boyfriend's place where I don't really have the opportunity to pick, which is great. I think I'll be spending tomorrow night at home though, so hopefully I won't give in to the temptation..

Nelly

[hoppe as guest]

Hi Nelly

Just saw your post. Sorry about your picking session friday. But things seem to be much better today, that makes me happy. Congratulations on a pick-free weekend. Hope you will have a nice evening at home tomorrow, without picking!



hoppe

[Nelly]

Thank you hoppe.

I'm still doing quite well, although not perfect. I picked for about 10 minutes yesterday in the morning, but other than that I've been virtually pick-free since Friday.

I just went to get my hair cut and while the hairdresser was doing his thing I kept staring at my face in the mirror and couldn't believe how smooth it looked. No scabs, no caked wounds... it was a really uplifting experience. I remember all the previous times I got a haircut I cringed every time I caught a glimpse of my reflection.

By the way, I went on the pill (Alesse) about three weeks ago. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems that both my skin and my hair have been a lot less oily since I started taking it. The number of blackheads on my face appears to have gone down. Plus, my period is way lighter than it normally is (and will probably be much shorter, too) and I think my breasts have gotten a little bit bigger.. So overall, I'm really happy that I started taking the pill and would recommend it to everyone, although I imagine different people will react differently to it. In my case, I think it might be playing an important role in helping me curb the picking habit.

Nelly

[amylou]

Isn't that great when you are able to look at yourself in the mirror while getting a hair cut and actually admire how you look, I hate it when I will sit there and do not want to look at my face because of the damage I have done to my face or how bad it was breaking out! I recently got my hair highlighted and cut and my face actually looked better than it has in a while and it was such a great feeling to be able to appreciate who is in the mirror hope you are well.

[Nelly]

Well, I went to my parents' place this weekend and sure enough, the "black hole" bathroom sucked me in again.. all three nights that I was there. And my face had started to look so good... That was horrible. The only good thing was that I noticed that my skin seems to be healing faster than it used to.. or maybe it's just my imagination. But even after hours of picking I still don't really have any open wounds or major sores. So I consider myself lucky. Still, there's definitely some new damage and I'm definitely not proud of myself for giving in to temptation. I guess I'm just not strong enough.

A couple of days ago I had a weird dream where I was at my grandparents' place looking at their aquarium and all of a sudden the fish in the aquarium started dropping dead. Next thing I know, this siren goes off and somebody says through a loudspeaker that a nuclear bomb has just exploaded. So I and everyone around me dropped on the floor and a few seconds later we were all dead. I didn't feel any pain, but during those last few seconds before I died I remember feeling so shocked and helpless.. it was a horrible feeling. Perhaps it was a message that death is not such a great thing after all.

Oh well, I hope everyone's doing well.

Nelly

[hoppe]

Hi Nelly

I am sorry about the picking. It is good that you do not seem to go after your skin to violently, since you don't have major damage. But I understand your frustration.

I find your dream very interesting (and a bit frightening too). I also dreamed about my own death last night (I wrote about it in Shihui's journal), and I came to the same conclusion. I think my body is trying to tell me that death, no matter how often I picture it as an easy escape from here, actually isn't a solution.

Wishing you a good day and peace in your heart!

hoppe

[Nelly]

Thanks a lot hoppe!

I'm sorry that you did some picking over the weekend and that you've been feeling depressed today. I hope things are looking up for you.

I read about your dream in shihui's journal. I guess dreams like that really make you think. It seems like death is not such an easy way out after all. Or maybe it is.. Who knows what it's like once it's over? Then again, even though I'm not a firm believer in life after death and such (although I hope death is not really the end), I've heard that bad things happen to the souls of people who commit suicide. Then again, that could just be a load of BS that people come up with in order to prevent others from committing suicide. I wish I knew for sure...

I had an embarrassing experience Sunday morning. My face was still freshly picked and for once I didn't cover it up with make-up right away; I just put some Polysporin on my sores. I know my father noticed the sores, even though he didn't say anything, but he knows that I pick, so I wasn't too embarrassed. But then this friend of my parents' came over and I had forgotten that I promised to bring some package for him to Toronto, which he wanted to speak to me about. I didn't really have any time to cover up my face, so I was terrified at the thought of him seeing it in its atrocious state. But he was in a hurry, so I came out and while he was talking to me I was sooooo embarrassed, because he probably thought I was a freak. Death sure seemed like a good option then..

[shihui]

nelly, i'm pretty sure that all of us in this board have thought of dying at least once. but we have to keep going. always remember that things will get better soon...and we're here for you until things do get better!

i'm not a religious person and so i don't really believe in life after death. at times i feel that such a concept may be solely to console ourselves that we can still feel and do what we want after we die. since we can never confirm is such a thing happens, we have to live our life to the fullest in this short lifetime of ours, and not just hope that there will be a life after death to help us complete what we have not when we're alive.

i hope i made sense

take care of yourself, nelly!

[hoppe]

Hi Nelly

I am sorry about your embarrassing experience. I have had some of those. Usually it is when someone suddenly drops by unexpectedly, and my face looks like hell. It does not happen often (I make sure not to let people get to close, so they do not get ideas like dropping by), but it has happened occasionally. Oh, and I remember clearly once, when I had picked pretty badly and I was talking on the phone with my brother, when suddenly the door bell rang and kept on ringing. Normally I would not have opened, but since my brother had heard it through the telephone and asked about it, I had to go and open. It was the mail man, and he got this disgusting grin on his face, when he saw me. Like he knew he was seeing me in a state, where noone is supposed to see me.

Gosh, I am rambling here. I just feel so depressed today and I am trying to type myself away from it. Feel like crying and do not want to face it. Sorry, to be so negative in your journal. Gotta pull myself together now.

Hope, you are having a really good day.

hoppe

[Nelly]

shihui, thanks for your input and concern. I find life to be a perplexing phenomenon. On one hand, it seems logical that you would want to accomplish as much as you can before it's over. On the other hand, once it's over, it doesn't really matter what you've done during your lifetime, since you can't enjoy your accomplishments anymore (and anyone else who might still be benefiting from them will eventually die as well, so it shouldn't matter to them, either). That's the mentality that often makes me think "If it is inevitable that life will be over one day and nothing that I've done will matter as I will have disappeared, then why not end it now and cut my suffering short?" But then I realize how many people will be devastated by my death.. and I wonder if I might be punished for it on some level. I guess it's mainly the fear of the unknown that's preventing me from taking my own life. I mean, if there is nothing after death, then what's the point of living?

Anyway, I haven't been feeling particularly depressed lately, so I shouldn't work myself up or upset others by philosophizing about these issues. I've been trying to treat life as an adventure and not worry too much about all the negative experiences that I go through. I realize that things are never as bad as they could have been and plus, they always make good stories after the fact. I mean, my apartment and my car have been broken into, I have almost gotten into situations where I could have been seriously injured while driving, etc... But if none of those things had happened, I think that my life would have been a lot more boring.

hoppe, I'm sorry that you've been having a depressing day. I hope you're feeling better by now.

Well, I picked for about an hour and half in the morning yesterday. It was about time, since I hadn't picked for three days prior to that and was starting to obsess about my pores being clogged (which is in line with my current picking trend). I didn't feel bad afterwards, except about being late for work. But when I looked at my face in the mirror this morning, it appeared almost perfect! There were only a couple of minor red spots on it. I was thrilled. I don't know what's going on with my skin, but it seems to be healing lightning-fast nowadays, which put me in a really good mood today. I hope I don't use this discovery as an excuse to pick more...

Nelly

[amylou]

hey nelly..glad to hear that you didn't cause much damage..try not to be so depressed..i hope you are doing well wishing you strength