Nelly's picking chronicle

[Nelly]

Thank you, hoppe.

Unfortunately, I picked last night. Lately I've been spending most of my free time with my boyfriend, so on those rare occasions when I find myself alone with nothing to do, I just get really antsy. I've discovered that when it comes to picking, boredom is my worst enemy. I can't remember what I used to do when I was single... oh yeah, I used to pick.. lots. Hmm, maybe that's one of the keys to my picking control or lack thereof.

So I caused quite a bit of damage, which obviously pissed me off. But when I woke up this morning, I decided to take a shower, use an apricot scrub on my face and then once I dried it off I was going to put some Polysporin on my wounds and just relax for a while. Well, I did take my shower and used the scrub. But then I realized that I have left my Polysporin at my boyfriend's place and also that I've forgotten my pager and laptop at work which I need. I was hoping not to have to put any makeup on for a while, but it looks like I'll have to in order to go get my stuff from work. All these things keep irritating me more and more. I'm such a scatterbrain..

The weather is so beautiful outside, but I guess I can't enjoy it, because I'm feeling too annoyed with myself and the condition of my skin to go biking or anything... Ughh, life sucks.

Nelly

[hoppe]

Nelly, I am sorry you left your things at work and at your bf's place. I hope you got everything without to much effort. I am also sorry about your picking. It is interesting boredom seems to be a trigger for you and also for so many others on the board. It is never for me. I guess because I never am bored - there is always some work I can do. Therefore picking has a tendency to become my 'time out' ... .

Today the weather is beautiful here too. I just had a bad picking session, so I won't get out today either .... . I have so much work to do so it is better like this. At least that is what I am telling myself. However, it is obviously not true, as I am silently crying while I am writing this.

There are some days where I really wish some of you were closer by. Someone who would really understand and on whose shoulder I could cry a little. My boyfriend does still not get it. Every time he sees me in front of the mirror he is like paralyzed. Does not say anything or react in any way. Sometimes, after I have picked and obviously look like that he will hug me. It is nice, but I can feel his total helplessness. I know I cannot expect anything from him. I have a disorder, there is nothing he can do. But I cannot handle his helplessness. And the fact that he does not seem to understand .... .

Sorry, Nelly. I will continue the whining in my own journal. Just wanted to let you know that I care about you.

hoppe

[new grl]

Hi Nelly, and other fellow CSPers,

I was just searching around on the net for csp support stuff in yet another effort to kick the habit, and I stumbled upon this one. And I love the name Nelly, so I checked out your journal. Although it has been a relief to read through bulletin boards of others with the same affliction, it was especially comforting to know that there is someone closeby (i.e. Canada- and when you mentioned the possibility of the transit strike, I knew we were in the same city).
And your recent success in decreasing the picking is inspiring. Thanks so much for sharing your story.

Keep up the good work,
K

[Nelly]

Hoppe, thank you for sympathising and caring about me. That's too bad that your boyfriend doesn't know how to react to your picking, but remember that nobody's perfect and I if you do break up with him, I hope you do it for the right reasons. My boyfriend stops me from picking whenever he catches me doing it by pulling me away from the mirror or by pulling my hands away from my face. But I don't think he truly understands why I do it and that it's not always a conscious decision on my part. But I appreciate his support anyway.

K, thanks for the encouraging post. I hope you find this board as helpful as I have. I have been picking for over 11 years now and it was not until I found this place that I was able to significantly curb my compulsion, at least intermittently. That's cool that you live nearby. Maybe we could start a skin pickers' club or something. Hmm, you really like my name? I always thought it sounded like either an old lady's name or a horse's name (at least that's what an ex-boyfriend told me ).

Anyway, I had a rather nice weekend. My boyfriend and I did quite a bit of shopping (mainly for clothes), even though neither of us is really into shopping. And yesterday I picked up a few things, including my cat, from my place and moved them to his place, so now I don't really have any reason to go home. We have been talking about what we're going to do when I move into his place and it seems most reasonable for both of us if I sell my apartment and pay for half of his apartment. Then we'll be laughing, because all of our individual expenses will be cut in half. But at the same time if things don't work out, I'll be stranded with no place to go.. So I don't know if I should take the leap or not. I wish someone could make the decision for me.

Picking-wise, I've been doing pretty well, except that I picked for about an hour this morning. I didn't even feel like I needed to pick or that my skin was dirty or anything.. I don't know why I keep sabotaging myself like this. Oh well, I'll keep trying, I guess..

Nelly

[amy lou]

yea shopping! I am glad you are doing well..my boyfriend and I (now fiance..soon to be husband had to reason with what we were going to do because we didn't want to pay two rents and so on..it will help save money! Do you think if yall live together you won't pick as much? I know i do my picking when he is not home and he knows if i have been in the bathroom for sometime ..he knows i have been picking and will make me stop..hope you continue to do well

[Nelly]

amylou, that's cool that your fiance stops you from picking, too. And yes, I find that I don't pick as much when I'm at my boyfriend's place, partly because I'm usually busy doing something with him and partly because if I spend more than 5 minutes in the bathroom he comes to check up on me and stops me from picking. I think this is another good reason for me to move in with him.

Lately I've been getting up a couple of hours after he does. So the morning is the only time I can (and do) really pick. I should adjust my schedule again so that we both leave at the same time and then I'll probably stop picking like I did the last time I tried going to work at the same time as him. It's just that I hate getting up early in the morning.. Arggh, can't have it all, I guess.

Our vacation is approaching fast; we leave on April 30th. I still have several red sore spots on my face, so I must exercise extreme self-control in order to make sure my skin looks acceptable by then.. but it's so hard. Plus, I have a lot of work that my boss wants me to finish before I go away, which is making me rather anxious..

Well, I didn't really pick today, so if I continue not picking for another week, I should be good. Yeah, right, if only it was that easy... I wish there was some sort of safe way to eliminate blackheads, since they are my main trigger, but I haven't found one yet. Oh well, life is a struggle. Plus, it could be worse. Gotta be grateful for what I do have. Anyway, enough rambling for now.

Nelly

[hoppe]

Nelly -

How are you?

Only a week until your vacation. I hope it will be great.

I am sorry the amount of work you have to master before you leave is making you anxious. I know all about that. I hope it does not make you pick more than usual. And even if it does, don't blame yourself for it.

Wishing you a great day. A pick-free day with sunshine and a smile from someone you care about.

hoppe

[Nelly]

hoppe, thank you for the kind words. They mean a lot to me.

Yes, I do have lots of work to finish before I leave on vacation, but at this point I'm still optimistic that doing so is within the realm of possibility. The good thing about being so busy is that I haven't had too much time to pick. I did it this morning for 10-15 minutes, which really annoyed me, because even though I didn't cause much damage, I ended up being late for a meeting at work. I felt like such a loser.. If I hadn't picked I would have been right on time. Some days I can't help but feel that I deserve to get fired. I believe that's coming from the part in me that resents picking and feels that I need to be punished for it. Some days the need for self-punishment is so strong that I start fantasizing about physically hurting myself to the point where I will occasionally even grab a knife or scissors and put it agains my skin. I haven't felt that way in a while, though, so that's ok.

But like I said, things have been going rather well overall. I still have a few wounds that I keep picking at when they scab over, but as long as the condition of my skin does not get any worse, it should be manageable enough for me to feel decent during my vacation.

Something happened a couple of days ago that made me feel good. I had picked my face for an hour in the morning and had subsequently covered it up with make-up. I didn't think I had done a very good job with the cover-up, so I was trying to avoid looking at my reflection all day. But then my friend dropped by my workplace for a visit and remarked that my face looked particularly "un-picked". Either my skin had healed real fast or I had done a great job with the make-up. Either way, that gives me hope that I won't look like a friggin' witch on my vacation pictures.

This weekend I'm going to my parents' place, which is where I usually pick the most, so I'm a bit stressed out thinking about it. Except this time I'm bringing my boyfriend with me, so I'm hoping that I'll be too busy to pick... but I'm still afraid of getting sucked into the fluorescent-lit "black hole" bathroom, which almost never fails to con me into picking sessions that last a minimum of 2 hours.. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Nelly

[K in TO]

good luck Nelly- I know what you mean about the horrid bright fluorescent lights. I do the same thing at my parents' house, too. It sooooo is the black hole! That is the perfect description.

What a nice compliment from your friend! I guess that goes to show that sometimes our perspective is a little skewed, huh? (i.e. perhaps our skin etc. is better than we think...)

-K

[hoppe]

Nelly, I guess your vacation is approaching fast. I hope you are doing well.

Thinking about you.

hoppe

[Nelly]

K, thank you for sympathizing. I did end up picking a bit at my parents' place in that wretched bathroom, but only for about 20 minutes, so that wasn't too bad relatively speaking.

hoppe, thank you for the post. I'm sorry for not posting for a while. I've been going crazy with work. At least I'm feeling productive and I'm accomplishing way more than usual. My deadline now seems quite realistic. I might even be able to finish my task tomorrow.. yay!

Picking-wise, lately I've been picking for about an hour almost every morning. Every night the damage seems almost gone and then in the morning I reinstate it again. Only three more days until my vacation. I really hope I can minimize my picking at least during that period. So my new mini-goal is to spend no more than 5 minutes per day touching my face (that includes clearing off any dry/dead skin) between now and Saturday. I hope it's realistic, but I'll see how it goes.

Nelly

[Nelly as guest]

Well, I'm taking off for my trip in a bit. I'm hoping that two weeks with no worries in sunny Spain, Portugal and Morocco will be good for my skin. I have been sticking to my 5-minute picking limit over the past couple of days, so I look more or less acceptable. Yay!

I hope everyone else is doing great,

Nelly

[hoppe]

Nelly - you will probably not get this in time. But I hope that you will have a wonderful trip.



hoppe

[Nelly as guest]

Thank you hoppe for the nice wishes.

Well, I´m in Madrid now. I´ve been pretty busy and stressed out, since my flight got changed last minute and my luggage was lost. But other than that, the weather is really nice here and there are lots of things to do, so I´ve been doing pretty well picking-wise.

I hope everyone else is doing well.

Nelly

[running2stndstill]

Hi Nelly,

Madrid!! That is so fabulous. Hope you're enjoying it and having a moderately pick free vacation.

Have some great r&r!

-K