Nelly's picking chronicle

[Nelly]

Well, putting down thoughts, emotions, activities, etc. related to picking seems to be having a therapeutic effect on others, so I thought I'd give it a shot. I hope people don't get too annoyed with my rambling.

A bit of background stuff.. I started picking when I was about 15 and my mom remarked that I have a bunch of blackheads on my nose. I tried squeezing them out, really enjoyed seeing all the oil and pus come out and haven't stopped since. I don't think my mom realizes what she started, but I can't really blame her. I'm sure it would have happened one way or another.

I recall having a phone conversation with a friend of mine when I was about 11. She was asking me if I knew which types of pimples are safe to pop, to which I responded "I have no idea; I've never had any pimples." At the time I actually felt somewhat jealous that I didn't have any zits to pop, because that sounded like a fun activity to me for some reason. If only I had known what would happen to my skin a few years later... I hardly ever get any pimples, but the blackheads are driving me nuts and are what's keeping this obsession going.

I wonder if this habit is making me bipolar. One minute I feel so good and optimistic and the next I feel like killing myself because of what I've done to my face.

Like I mentioned in another thread, for the first time ever I just had a couple of weeks of very little picking and feeling like I was beginning to love myself. I can't remember ever feeling that way before. And then all hell broke loose again. I visited my parents last weekend where their irresistible fluorescent-lit bathroom gave me the initial push and I haven't stopped picking since (and by picking here I mean viciously squeezing, hurting and wounding my face for hours on end). Sometimes I wonder what I look like from somebody else's perspective when I'm going at it in front of the mirror. Perhaps I should install a video camera in the bathroom and analyze the recordings?

Also, if I'm feeling anxious, I usually pick more, but just because I'm relaxed doesn't always mean that I won't pick. Like last night I took a nice long bath and then used a yummy watermelon shower gel and apricot facial scrub and was feeling all mellow and relaxed... and yet I picked again. Not for long, but still.

Anyway, I better wrap this up for now. There are always so many things on my mind that I want to get out, but I tend to ramble a lot and this is already getting pretty long-winded.

Hope everyone is having a great day/night.

Nelly

[Nelly]

Well, I think I'm starting to bounce back.

Last night I did Ken's reading exercise. I decided to change my mantra from "I know what I'm doing" to "I love my face and I don't have to pick". I did do a bit of "scab maintenance" afterwards and squeezed a couple of blackheads, but I felt like I was much more at peace with myself.

I haven't been able to find Neosporin in the pharmacies that I've checked, but I use this stuff called Polysporin, which I presume is similar. I use the white cream variety (they have it in clear ointment form, too). When I get home from work I wash my face really well and then I pretend the Polysporin is concealer, so I apply tons of it on each red spot until there's hardly any visible redness left. I think that helps in the sense that I can't see the scabs or redness (without the heavy "mask" sensation of make-up) and then I'm not as compelled to pick.

I went to bed a bit earlier last night and I'm feeling very positive so far today. I think I was starting to get that "self-loving" feeling when I looked at my face in the mirror this morning. I hope it lasts.

Nelly

[shihui]

it's nice to know that you have that feeling of self-love in you. i've not had it since a really long time..

oh yes...i understand the part where you mentioned you were jealous about having no zits to pop. i had the same experience! and i remember when i got my first zit, i was so proud of it!

[Nelly]

Shihui,

Thanks for responding and sympathizing with me. That always helps a lot.

Well, last night I stayed at work until 3 am Had to make up for all the time I was feeling jittery and was procrastinating. But at least I finished the task that I had promised to get done by Monday, so now I'm feeling calmer.

Then I went to my boyfriend's place afterwards and obviously didn't get a chance to pick. This morning I cleared off a few dry skin flakes and picked on one or two blackheads. I think my face is really starting to get better again.

One thing that I noticed was that the light bulbs in his bathroom were painted white and were not very intense, so they produced this soft yellow light that made my face look a bit better and hence did not compel me to pick. I'm thinking of replacing the bright clear bulbs in my bathroom with similar ones. Maybe that will help a bit..

Another thing that helps me is using an apricot facial scrub once every couple of days. It makes the skin a little bit drier, but the redness disappears much faster, the wounds seem to heal quicker and the scabs that form are pretty safe to peel off, i.e. I don't start bleeding if I pick them.

Oh well, I'm off to my boyfriend's place again. That means no picking tonight either! Yay!

Nelly

[Nelly]

Well, I didn't pick all weekend and then as soon as I got home I went on a 2-hour pick fest.. For some reason I don't feel too bad, though. I feel rather relieved. I'll probably hate myself for it in the morning though. Ugh, I guess nothing lasts forever, good or bad, so I should have known that my pick-free period would be over sooner or later. I was actually driving like a maniac on my way home so I could get to the mirror faster.. I'm despicable.

[Nelly]

Oh my God...

A friend of mine was supposed to come over tonight to watch a movie. He's one of the few people who know about my disorder and has been pretty supportive so far. He had never seen my face in its full picked glory, though. Well, I told him that I had just picked for 2 hours and didn't feel like putting on make-up, to which he responded "That's fine. You have nothing to worry about, it's just me. I don't care." So I just put on loads of Polysporin which diminished the redness a bit.

So when he came over I only had one dim light in the livingroom on and was making something to eat in the kitchen (which is sort of an extension of the livingroom). At first he didn't notice anything, but when he came closer to pet my cat, who was sitting on the kitchen counter, he exclaimed "Holy moly! You did pick pretty bad!" after which he proceeded to LAUGH at me and even turned on the kitchen light so he could get a better look! At that point I just ran to my bedroom and started crying. I can't believe he would do something like that... He just left and now I'm sitting here feeling like shit and like I just want to cry and cry... My life is just crap.. I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to move to one of those Arab countries where women are obligated to cover their faces all the time.. or die.

[hoppe]

Nelly -

I am so so sorry. You did something amazing by not letting this affect your plans for the evening and by letting someone else see you in this state - and I am so sorry that you got this reaction from your friend. I hope he understood what he did was wrong.

I have thought about the Arab customs of covering your face as well. Or even what it would be like to live under a Burka. Would that be the freedom we seek? I definitely doubt in. But it would be so nice on some days to be able to go outside without having to 'face' the world.

Nelly, I hope you heal with the speed of light. And I hope that you will be able to have some nice pick-free days.



hoppe

[Nelly]

Hoppe,

Thank you very much. I really needed some consolation after what happened. I don't know if I overreacted, but I sure was feeling crappy...

Well, when I woke up this morning I realized that 70% of the redness was gone (way to go Polysporin), so that made me feel a bit better. I still don't feel like talking to my friend, though and overall I'm still rather depressed. It's unbelievable what a great impact this habit has on our daily activities, relationships and lifestyle.

Like for example, a couple of years ago I went on a European trip and I almost missed the ferry from Calais to Dover, because I was stuck in the bathroom at the port touching up my picked spots. Our tour guide wanted to rip my head off.. But how could I explain something like that to her...

Oh well, another crappy day for me. I hope everyone else is doing better.

Nelly

[shihui as guest]

i'm so sorry to hear what your friend did to you, nelly!! i really hope you're feeling better now

i too, have had the thought of living as an Arab woman! but like what hoppe said, our freedom would totally be gone too.

i'm sure you were not overreacting. i don't wish to make things worse for you, but i felt that he was pretty insensitive. but i guess that's what we have to live with, if we continue to have a disorder like that. people unlike us wouldn't understand their impact of words on us.

but on the other hand, people with such a disorder are more sensitive towards others and understand them better, don't you think so? i believe one day when we break away from this cycle, the sensitivity towards others would still remain in us. and by then, we would be able to use this sensitivity we have to help those who are suffering from disorders like this.

*hugs*

[sioned]

Hi Nelly,

I just wanted to say hello to you like I just did to ameise - you guys (and Hoppe and Shihui) seem to post pretty regularly and I really identify with so much of what you're all going through. I've been meaning to reply to some of your posts over the last few days but so far haven't been able to. Anyway, I read about what happened with your friend that laughed at your face and I am so so sorry - that was a really horrible thing to have happen. I've had people tell me off for picking and on once occassion my mother burst into hysterical tears when she saw my face, which was kind of hard to deal with. The classic line I used to get from my parents when I still lived at home was "how do you think it makes us feel to see you going around looking so awful?" My usual reply (if I could delay crying for long enough to respond!) was "well, not as bad as it makes me feel!"
People say and do some shitty things sometimes!
Have you spoken to the guy again since that evening? I hope he apologises.

anyway - hope you're doing ok again now.
take care
Sioned xx

[Nelly]

Shihui - Thanks for your response. You're probably right, I do feel that I am rather sensitive towards other people's feelings (as well as my own), which is why it hurts so much when others don't reciprocate. Anyway, I'm glad your get-together with your relatives went ok. I don't know if you got my message, but I mailed the scar treatment last night, so I hope you receive it soon.

Sioned - Thank you for your post. It's always nice to receive support and know that other people can relate to your problems when there's so much insensitivity out there.

Anyway, when I got home from work Monday night, before I knew it I was in a mad picking rage again. This time my trigger was probably depression and frustration rather than clogged pore sensation. I went at it for about an hour and a half before I managed to pull myself away from the mirror. I don't know if others do this, but during my picking sessions I will often pull away from the mirror, look at my face and think "Ah, the damage isn't too bad yet, I can pick some more" and then I go back to picking until there is "sufficient" redness present. Another funny thing is that the reason I went to the bathroom in the first place was because I needed to pee and then an hour and a half later when I came out of my trance, I thought "Oh yeah, I forgot I actually needed to use the bathroom (for its intended purpose)".

Anyway, my friend tried calling me a bunch of times, sent me an apologetic virtual card and even dropped by my work to bring me chocolates, but I was still reluctant to talk to him. And then last night I figured he obviously knew that what he had done was wrong and had been trying so hard to make up for it, so I started talking to him again.

Another cool thing that happened is that right after my picking episode on Monday I talked to my boyfriend on the phone and told him how miserable I was, so he invited me over to his place (he even told me it's ok to bring my cat along) and we both ended up calling in sick yesterday (Tuesday). So I spent two nights and one day there during which I hardly picked at all. Now I'm feeling significantly better, although I wouldn't say that I'm exactly in a state of self-love.

Also, before I left for his place I took down two of the three bright light bulbs in my bathroom, so now the lighting in there is a lot softer and more flattering. Hopefully that will help.

Hope everyone is doing great.

[Nelly]

Hmm, as I'm sitting here at work, realizing that I haven't picked much for a couple of days, I can't help but keep fantasizing about going home, getting in front of the mirror and squeezing all the oily gunk out of my pores... Unless I take my mind off of it I just know it's going to happen... It's like an evil premonition... arrgh..

[Nelly]

Still sitting at work.. twirling my hair, getting really antsy.. playing with my Swiss Army knife.. wondering what it would feel like to cut my wrists.. Geez, I'm really losing it. I should go home now. Sorry for the demented post.

[hoppe]

Nelly --- your post made me sad and scared me as well. Are you alright?

I know about sitting at work and fantasizing about getting home to pick .... . I have done it way to often. Cannot concentrate on anything because all I think of is picking. Usually I would leave work earlier and hurry home.... . But Nelly, I really really hope you managed to get away this time and did not end up in front of the mirror.

I think I know exactly how you feel and that frightens me. I know you do not really want to cut your wrists with that knife. But there is a certain amount of urge, of wanting to test it, a certain desire to try to find a way out of here. Listen, if you feel you cannot trust yourself, please get rid of the knife. You do not really need it for anything, do you?

I care about you. I really do.

hoppe

[Nelly]

Hoppe,

Thank you sooooooooo much for the concern. It really means a lot.

Well, of course I picked when I got home, but for some reason I didn't end up in my usual state of self-loathing afterwards. Also, I think the reduced lighting in the bathroom may have resulted in me picking a bit less than I normally would. I don't know exactly how long the session lasted (it's so easy to lose track of time, isn't it), but this morning my nose looked like I had taken a cheese grater to it. The rest of my face wasn't too disgusting though. And it only took me about 45 minutes to cover up the damage (more than half of which was allocated for the nose, which has one really annoying raw spot on it.. arrgh).

I have been bad lately and haven't done the read/talk exercises since last Thursday. I should really start doing them again, because I believe they have a rather positive effect on my overall attitude.

As for the speculations regarding the knife.. I was just in one of my crazy moods. I guess some people have sexual fantasies; well, I fantasize about hurting myself. I mean, apart from picking, I haven't seriously abused myself in any way, but sometimes I get scared that I will start acting on my fantasies and then I will have to get committed into a mental asylum. Occasionally I wonder if it would be better to start cutting myself instead of picking, but obviously it would be ridiculous to replace one self-destructive habit with another.

Plus, I should be grateful that the society I live in is rather reserved and polite (although I believe the reason for that is that folks around here are rather emotionally inhibited), so they don't usually comment on my skin condition even if it's in a terrible state. I can imagine how much worse I would have felt if I lived back home in Eastern Europe where people are a lot more expressive (but obviously a lot more rude as well) and not very well informed about psychological conditions such as ours. Their general attitude towards my problem would be "You have what?? A good kick in the ass should cure you of that!"

Anyway, that's enough rambling for now.

Nelly