Nelly's picking chronicle

[hoppe]

Nelly, thank for your post in my journal!!

I am glad that the picking was not too bad - and that you did not get down over it either.

About your fantasies to hurt yourself - I have them too. When I first started having them they scared me a lot. Basically eveytime I pick up a scissor, knife or something similar I imagine how it would be to either cut myself or to use those tools to destroy my face beyond recognition .... . In that moment it seems as a solution to my picking problems, but of course I know deep down it is not. I have had these fantasies for a while now and I am less scared than I was to begin with. I am pretty sure I will not hurt myself. At least I hope so.

Hope you are having an okay day. I am feeling better than this morning. And interestingly, I feel no urge to pick although my face is in a bad (PMS-induced?) state with lots of small whiteheads that would be really easy to take care of ... . I have been doing well for a couple of days and it is amazing how just a few days can change ones perspective. I looked at a pretty bad spot earlier and thought if I should pick it and it seemed so meaningless. Like, why would I do that? All I would end up with would be a bad wound, an infection that might spread and an intense feeling of self-hate. Why would I want that? I know tomorrow I might think differently and dig my nails into that one, but right now I feel in peace and I enjoy it.

Sorry for the long post. Sending you a smile across the atlantic:

hoppe

[sioned]

Hi Nelly,

I'm glad you didn't feel too down after the picking yesterday. Its weird isn't it, how differently it affects us on different days. I picked today for about a half hour when I got in from college which initially I was dissappointed about because I was hoping to have a ZT day, but I didn't really do too much damage so after a while I felt fine about it. And I also went for a run this evening so I felt good about that too!

I know you said you don't think you'd really do this but just in case... I wanted to say please please please don't start cutting yourself. For a start its quite a different feeling from picking (at least in my experience, maybe others would say something different) so it probably wouldn't replace the picking but just add to it and make things worse. Also, although we get scars from our picking which are not nice, at least most of the time they are quite small and we can cover them up with make up. I have scars all over my arms and legs from cutting which I will never be able to cover except with clothing. I waited 18 months for an appointment with a dermatologist to see if there is anything they can do about it but they can't (and I've looked into all the options). They could only refer me to a camouflage consultant who showed me how to apply make-up to make them less noticeable, but there are so many it would take me several hours and I didn't feel it made that much difference. Basically I can never wear a sleeveless top/dress again unless I have some type of cardigan to go with it. (believe me, shopping for occasion wear is a nightmare, and when I was looking for my wedding dress there was a ratio of about 100:1 sleeveless dresses to ones with sleeves. I got some very surprised looks when I told the dressfitters I wanted a long sleeved dress! Though fortunately, as you said about canada, they were all too polite to comment on my scars, but I know they would have seen them).
Anyway, that was a very long-winded way of saying please don't give in to any fantasies you have about harming yourself because it really isn't worth it!

Sioned xx

[molly]

I agree 100%

Ive also cut, I you DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE! Sioned's right, the scars are way worse and only lead to more depression and shame. I never told anyone about my skin picking and know one ever commented on it - Why??? Why did no-one say anything, it was so obvious! Anyway. I knew I needed help but was far to ashamed to admit to anyone that I picked at my face, arms, legs, breasts, public area, back blah, blah, blah .... Anyway, started to cut, and that became the problem that I seemed far less ashamed to talk about. So i ended up getting therepy for that but the underlying problem was the picking. I havent cut now for about 3 years. Its addictive. If you hate the obsession, addiction, compulsion to skin picking, cutting is NEVER going to be any better. I beg you not to go there.

Take it from those who have been there. I understand the fantasy, I still get it from time to time. You're involved with this board so we can all encourage eachother and hopefully help eachother to stop our skin picking. I dont want people to get worse and have more issues to deal with.

ok, stopping the lecture now. Please take care.

Molly

[Nelly]

Hoppe - thank you for the reply. My day was ok, not too productive, but at least I haven't been feeling anxious or frustrated, which is always good. I hope you abstain from picking and maintain that feeling of inner peace. Sorry I didn't get a chance to chat today. I was still at work and wasn't checking the board often enough.

Sioned and Molly - thank you for the encouragement and the concern. I don't think I'll ever realize those fantasies about cutting myself; at least I haven't so far. But if I did, I probably wouldn't have much control over it, just like with picking. Still, I doubt that my cutting curiosity/urge will ever be strong enough to materialize.

Well, I'm feeling pretty decent. I just washed off all the icky make-up and peeled off a few minor scabs. I looked at myself in the mirror and had no desire to pick, which made me feel quite good. I'm planning on making a salad now, having something light to eat, then I'll take a shower and give myself a face mask. Hopefully, the desire to pick will not come back.

Nelly

[Nelly]

Arrgh, I was just chatting with this friend of mine... well, more like an acquaintance I guess. He was telling me about some girl who had been chatting with him for a few days, they were supposed to meet and then all of a sudden she deleted him from her MSN list and started ignoring him. So he says to me "I don't understand. You're all fucked up in the head. You don't make any sense." So I got rather pissed and told him that I don't appreciate being insulted in such a way. And then he starts telling me that all our conversations always become about me and that I get offended too easily... ughhh. I don't know, does anyone else think that's kind of offensive? Anyway, as a result of this conversation I'm now in a crappy mood again. I really hope this won't result in another 2-hour picking session. Argh, why do some people have to be such jerks...

[shihui]

hi nelly

thanks for the post in my journal! and yes, i've received the message that you've sent the treatment over already. i'll tell you when i've received it.

i hope you didn't pick because of what your friend said. what he said was really offensive, but i think he said it in a moment of anger. it's just a sweeping statement that all women are like the one he chatted with. and for the part where he said the conversations both of you had always became about you, was because both of you are just acquaintances. he does not understand you well enough.

also, i think it's unfair how he expects you to listen to him and not return the favour by listening to you. but he'd probably said that in a moment of anger too. hope he apologises to you soon enough...it was certainly rude of him to have said such a thing.

and nelly, i hope you wouldn't cut yourself! i know that at times there are some things that you can't deal with, and you'll feel that self-inflicted injuries are the way out. same goes for my punching of walls. but cutting yourself is sth more serious than punching walls . it could get really addictive and i'm sure you wouldn't want to deal with another obsession! one like face-picking is more than enough. i've had friends who desperately try to quit cutting near their wrists, legs etc...so don't even think of doing it!

[Nelly]

Shihui, thanks for the reply. I always appreciate the support and concern of others.

Well, I was thinking about that "friend" of mine and I realized that he is just an obnoxious person. Every time I talk to him he puts me down all the time, calls me crazy, etc. I guess he means it as a joke and I can take jokes, but he does it ALL the time. At first I wasn't responding much to his quips, then I started coming up with comebacks and now I see that all I get from him is negativity and I don't have to deal with that crap. I've talked to him about this issue several times, but nothing has changed. Well, I have plenty of friends who treat me with respect. So I ended up blocking that dude from my msn list, too.

Anyway, surprizingly enough, the fact that my mood got worse after talking to that doofus didn't cause me to pick. I just scraped off a few dry skin patches/minor scabs and that was it. I'm so proud of myself. And this morning it only took me about 30 minutes to cover up the remaining sores. I think I'm doing better.. at least I'm feeling better.

Hope everyone else is doing fine, too.

Nelly

[Nelly]

I haven't posted for a while. Actually, that's because I've been doing exceptionally well. Apart from clearing away a few dry skin patches, I only actively picked for about half an hour on Sunday and that was it. It didn't even feel like I was sucked into an obsession; it was more like I was just doing regular maintenance. Last night I didn't pick at all. Nowadays it only takes me about 15 minutes to cover up any remaining scabs/scars/red spots and even they are fading fast. I'm becoming much more productive at work. I feel really good about myself. I hope it will last.

Nelly

[sioned]

Nelly,

that's fantastic, I'm so happy and pleased for you. And I really hope as well that it lasts forever too! (only please drop in on those of us still here to give us some encouragement now and then!)

keep it up girl!

Sioned xx

[Nelly]

Thank you, sioned.

Well, I don't know if I will ever be completely pick-free. Like this morning, for instance, I spent about half an hour squeezing out clogged pores. I didn't break any skin, though and there was only minor redness left on my face afterwards.

I think I will always have clogged pores that will require some sort of "regular maintenance". However, I feel like I'm getting over the obsessive part. I figure, if I can do a quick "pore cleansing" (that does not result in bleeding or scarring) once a week, that will keep me happy. I'm not sure if that qualifies as conquering the OCD or not, though.. I definitely don't hate myself as much as I used to and my face looks almost perfect (although I still use a little bit of concealer), so if that's as good as it gets, I can probably deal with it.

[shihui as guest]

hi nelly! i received the package already. THANK YOU. ;D

it's great that you've been doing so well! i've never had such days for a long time. actually if i were you, i would consider clearing my pores as conquering the disorder. that is as long as i don't repeatedly pick on that same spot [like the skin around it] after it is cleared, nor on scabs and healing skin.

hope you keep up with your performance.

[Nelly]

Shihui,

Thanks for the encouragement. I hope you start feeling better soon.

Well, I have to admit that after I posted my last message, when I got home that day I was feeling really tired, hungry and frustrated with work, so before I knew it I was in front of the mirror again.. and not just clearing away scabs, but picking in a destructive, compulsive manner. I was really disgusted with myself at that point, because I thought I had gotten over that type of behaviour. But the following morning I was feeling better again and have been feeling pretty good since. So this goes to show that the battle is not quite over yet, but the ratio of good-feeling days to frustrated-picking days seems to be continuously increasing and that's enough to make me happy. So I'm still feeling good.

Hope everyone else is doing well,

Nelly

[sioned]

Hi Nelly,

How's it going? Glad you felt better in the morning after you'd picked - I like those sort of mornings - they are a rare surprise when most of the time I dread to see the damage I did the day before!!

Hope things are still going well and you're feeling good.

Sioned xx

[Nelly]

Sioned,

Thanks for the concern. I believe I was doing rather well until Sunday night when I went on a 2-hour pick-a-thon. And the following morning wasn't one of those feel-good mornings either, but at least it wasn't quite as frustrating as some. One thing I've realized is that no matter how badly you pick, it is important not to be too hard on yourself and keep a positive outlook. Then you're subsequently more likely to abstain longer from picking. For some reason I've been managing to do that lately.

Well, I didn't pick at all last night (I spent the night at my boyfriend's place) and this morning I only picked off one scab that wasn't quite ready, which pissed me off a little.. But in the grand scheme of things, I think I only have a couple of bigger scabs/sores on my face right now. The rest of the damage is fairly minor and seems to be fading quickly, so that's helping me keep things in perspective. If I continue being good, in a couple of days my face will probably be 95% clear of sores/blemishes/scabs (then again, maybe I'm just delusional, but sometimes the delusion helps me feel good about myself, at least temporarily).

So anyway, right now I'm feeling very good, relaxed and in control. I hope this continues.

Nelly

[Nelly]

Forgot to mention... I was on the phone with my mom last night. I was telling her about my last orthodontist appointment, so she goes "Well, that's great that you've taken care of your teeth and they're straight now. So why don't you take care of your face next? Are you going to get plastic surgery (to correct the damage you've caused)?" Arrgh, that was so annoying... and just when I've started feeling positive about the condition of my skin and about my ability to restrain myself from picking. I don't know why my mom is so judgemental and insensitive sometimes. Well, I guess she doesn't understand the emotional repercussions this disorder has on me, so maybe I should talk to her about it. Oh well, normally I would have thrown a fit and gotten snappy with her, but yesterday I just went "Yeah, whatever.." I don't know why I'm feeling so mellow lately. It's a good thing, actually. I seem to be more peaceful...

Nelly