shihui's journal--please support me!

[running2stndstill]

Hi Shihui,

Just wanted to wish you luck and send you encouragement on your exams. I too was terrible during exam time- I'd often wear a hat (my forehead was the worst place) and slather on the makeup.

Hugs and best wishes,
K

[hoppe]

Shihui - thank you for your kind words. I wish I could say things are better for me now, but they aren't really ... .

I know how you must feel these days. I have some examinations coming up too, and I am so stressed. But I am sure, your's are much more important than mine. I think I can take mine again a couple of times in case I don't pass (strange system they have in Sweden!). I don't know about your examinations, but they sounded very big and very important. I hope everything will turn out okay.

Wishing you all the best!

hoppe

[shihui]

thanks running2stndstill and hoppe.
hoppe, actually i think the stress comes from myself and the ppl ard me. the examination itself isn't really a major one. it's just school-based. the national one will come later in the year. tmr i'll be having my last paper.

still feeling sad, though i wished this wasn't the case...i want to feel happy...happy about life, and happy about myself. i don't know how to feel better...i hope i can make an appointment with a doctor soon....but things always don't go well for me. maybe medications won't work on me. maybe the doctor will refuse to give me medication. maybe the doctor will think i exaggerate my situation because a lot of teenagers like to be dramatic. well, if only i was being dramatic. maybe the doctor will be unfeeling towards me. maybe i won't be able to get a doctor.

i even picked during my paper. the picking distracted and worried me so much that i couldn't concentrate on my paper. i felt so sad that i was doing that. i feel so helpless right now...i don't know what to do.

[hoppe]

Shihui, just want to let you know I am thinking about you. I hope your final paper went well. Good that it is over now. Hopefully you will be less stressed now.

I am sorry you are feeling so depressed. Me too .... .

Close your eyes for a second and feel a hug from me. Life will be better one day. I promise.

hoppe

[Froglet]

Shihui,
I am so sorry that society has made you feel like this.
It is such a difficult age that you are at just now for most people, but with the added problems that picking can bring, it is no wonder you are feeling so down. It must be very difficult to live in a society that puts so much emphasis on physical appearance.
But I could bet money that you don't look half as bad as you think you do! The picking, and the scars it leaves makes it difficult for us to be able to look in the mirror objectivly. All we see are the ugly marks. I think that maybe you are unable to be able to stand back, and see yourself as who you truely are - a beautiful person inside and out!
Try not to repeat negative thoughts to yourself. It is difficult, but in the same way that you are trying to stop yourself from reaching for your face, try to block out the inner voice that is telling you that you are no good. I bet you would never dream of treating others so badly, so stop doing it to yourself. You are the most important person in your life!
And no matter what anybody says, what a person looks like is by no means the most important thing. You are an intelligant, kind and sympathetic young woman. So much more than whats on the outside. Ask yourself if you would like to work in a job, or have a boyfriend that is with you soley for your looks anyway.
Be strong and be kind to yourself. You can beat this!
Wishing you good feelings!
Lara x ;D

[shihui]

thanks hoppe and lara for your support.

hoppe- i did well for my school-based examinations. there'll be a nation-based one coming up in a week's time...so i don't get to rest much after all.

lara- your kind words have really touched me...thank you. but sometimes when i think that i look acceptable, i see people staring at my face. some will even ask tactlessly abt why my face is in such a state. they're not even my close friends...i guess it's such actions that actually show me directly how terrible i look in reality.

i've not been updating. basically it's because i feel that i only have negative thoughts to post down. i think it'll just bore people who read my journal. i don't have much positive things to post about today actually...but i'm feeling really down now and i need to let it out.

i picked really badly today. for the past few days i had actually been doing quite well. i guess it's the weekends...sigh...

my mother is obsessed with plucking her hair. i'm sick of seeing her pluck her hair. it makes me feel upset, worried, annoyed. i know i'll end up eventually like her. when i see her pluck, i just feel like screaming at her to stop...but i know it'll hurt her feelings. why must this happen to me......it's like i already know what's gonna happen when i grow up. i'll move on from a osp to trich. in worse conditions, probably both.

[Froglet]

The fact that your mother plucks her hair, doesn't mean that you will be the same. You must remind yourself that you, and only you are responsible for your own fate! The fact that you understand that the picking is a disorder will give you a head start in stopping.
Like you, I badly want to stop, but I don't. Its crazy isn't it... this thing causes us physical and emotional pain, yet we still do it to ourselfs.
I still pick, but not as badly as I used to. When I started, I was young, and times where bad for me. I think it was a way for me to comfort myself. During the time that I would pick, I would feel calm, and my thoughts uncluttered. Only afterwards, I would see the mess I had made, and realise that everything was worse. I hated myself, I felt ashamed and ugly. Now, I think it is still a way for me to comfort myself, but really, its just a left over habit.
Shihui, I think you should write your journal especially when you are feeling down. Getting things written down, can really help tidy up a cluttered mind. It might help you think a little more clearly.
Something to think about...
All of us here at this forum, are striving to train ourself not to pick. I think, while we are all at it, we should be also retraining ourselfs to think positive!
Positivity is not something we are born with, it is an attitude we adopt as we get older. By correcting ourselfs when we are being negative, we can train ourself to be more positive and self loving.
I have been trying really hard these past couple of years to banish thoughts such as 'I cant do this' 'Im no good' 'Im ugly'. It takes time, but after a while it comes naturally.
It has really helped me to do this! I still pick, but not as deeply as I used to... and when I do, it doesn't matter to me that much. My skin may still suffer a bit, but my head doesnt! ;D
Shihui, your posts have really touched me somehow. I think I recognise a part of you in a past me. It is hard to see, but things do get better. I think if it was not for my picking, I wouldn't be who I am today, so in a way I am grateful.
Be strong, and be gentle with yourself. And if necissary, sit on your hands!
Lara x
Ps, who cares what those people who look at you think, chances are, they are a thousand times uglier on the inside than you even think you are on the outside!

[shihui]

thanks again lara. i do hope things get better as well. abt those ppl being uglier on the inside...i doubt it matters. most just prefer looks to character anyway.

we have a photo corner in our class where we place photos of ourselves as children. today a schoolmate from another class came to ours. we know each other but she didn't notice i was nearby. when she saw my photo, she said "she was so pretty in the past."

that really hurts.

[Nelly]

shihui,

I'm sorry that your classmate's comment hurt you so much. I can relate to that. Whenever I look at old pictures of me with my mom, she will say scornfully, "You used to be such a pretty kid..." and often she will add, "Look what you've done to yourself now!" I usually just shrug it off, but deep inside I feel like crying and I wish I could have flawless skin again, just so I could stick it to her.

Anyway, there will always be cruel people out there who will try to hurt you, possibly due to their own insecurities, but don't let them get to you. I'm sure those who really care about you would not treat you like that and that's all that matters. Forget about everyone else.

I recall seeing a movie a while ago in which one kid asked another really fat kid why he stank so much, to which the fat kid replied "It's a blessing, actually. God made me stinky so that I could tell who my real friends are, as they would never reject me because of something so superficial." In your case the appearance of your skin (which most likely isn't as bad as you perceive it anyway) could be considered a means for you to weed out all those judgemental people who aren't worthy of your friendship. I know it's hard to get over inconsiderate remarks like the one you mentioned, but I suppose you could look at your situation as a blessing and put a positive spin on it.

Anyhow, I'm sorry if I'm not making any sense. I hope you're feeling better.

Nelly

[shihui]

nelly, that story's really meaningful...but such things are harder to accept in reality...sigh...but i do appreciate your efforts to make me feel better, and i'm sorry that you receive such comments as well...

things are getting even worse. my face looks terrible......had to take photos for my passport today. i wanted to kill myself after looking how hideous i look in the photos. i don't even look human....i got so disappointed that i went home and picked more. now i'm looking worse than ever.

i really detest myself....i was slapping myself in the shower...i guess the only person i've slapped is myself. if only i knew how to love myself...i wouldn't be picking anymore. i hate myself because i pick. i pick because i hate myself. i can never get out of the cycle....

[Froglet]

I think it might help you to find some support Shihui. You shouldn't be going through this alone. Does your mother really understand what is happening. Maybe its time to print out some info, sit her down and confess everything. Maybe, if that seems to hard, you could write it all in a letter to her, so you don't get side tracked. Im sure if she knew her daughter was suffering so much, she would help you find a doctor. Probably she knows a little that something is wrong, but won't admit it to herself. It is sometimes hard for parents to face up to these things properly.
Or could you seek help by yourself? I think that you have to do this for yourself.
I think you've realised that you can't beat this picking until you change the way you percieve yourself. Physically restraining yourself from touching your skin is just not enough... you have to heal your inner self first. I know that sounds real corny but its true I think.
I am thinking of you Shihui,
I hope you feel better soon.
Lara x

[shihui]

lara, i'm really grateful for the replies you've given me ...i really need all these support. i did tell my mother about it. i told her everything that i could think of and i cried while i did that. but she just doesn't seem to be trying to help me. i told her i want to see a doctor...but she just kept quiet about it. i've asked her to bring me to see a psychiatrist a few times, but in the end nothing is done abt it. i guess i have to do it myself after all. and i'm scared to do this all by myself...and yes, i do think that she doesn't want to admit that there's much of a problem. it is true that i have to heal my inner self first...i guess that's the only way i can stop.

i have a major paper on monday...

all i feel about myself: ugly, ugly, ugly. i think i'll find a doctor myself after my paper. i'm scared it will not help...it's the only hope i have left. i hope i will be given medicines to help me stop...but over here the doctors like to think that teenagers of my age are just exaggerating their situations. the other time i tried getting sleeping pills and the doctor didn't prescribe me any and till now i have trouble falling asleep. sometimes i feel that the only people who care about me and whom i can talk to are all of you in this board.

[hoppe]

Hi shihui

I am sorry I have not been on the board for a while. I am often thinking about how you are doing.

It makes me sad that your mother does not seem to want to help you. It takes such an effort to ask for help in the first place, and if you then not get it ... it must be very frustrating. I am glad that you are not giving up though. If you can get help on your own, please try to do so. It would make me so happy to see you get better!!!

I hope your paper on monday will be fine. Good luck with that!

hoppe

[Froglet]

Hi again Shihui, ;D
How are you doing?
It is hard sometimes to get people to take you seriosly when you're young. Looking back at myself at that age, I can recognise that I was deeply unhappy with my life and myself, and I often found myself thinking dark thoughts. I remember trying to tell my mum that I thought I was depressed, but she just said, so are we all, and brushed it off. My family was an unhappy one, and I think she and my father where depressed at the time too, so they perhaps where too preoccupied with their own troubles to see mine. I think I also didn't make it clear to her how serious I was, but its difficult to talk about when you feel like that.
You need to try and fine a way to get some support though... whether you try talking to your mum again, or organise yourself. It is worth a try one way or another. You could take to the doctor info you have found on the web, if you are worried he won't understand. It is scary to go to the doctor, but they are there to help you. Try and get a nice lady doctor. I always feel more comfortabe talking to a woman.
Hope you are well,
Lara x

[shihui]

hoppe, i missed you so much! you've not been updating a lot, are things going better for you? the paper was quite terrible actually. oh well, we shall see!

hey lara , i'm sorry that you had to go through times like that alone, without your parents' support. but it's okay, you won't have to go through them alone because you have us!

i went to the hospital yesterday. they got me a guy to talk to me first and i had to tell him my problems before he referred me to a psychiatrist to handle my case. it was really hard to open up to a guy...but i managed to do it

the psychiatrist i got is a female [lara, i feel more at ease talking to a woman as well!]. basically she dug answers from me, but it wasn't that bad besides the fact that i cried quite a lot. she told me that i have depression and gave me prozac and lexotan or sth. can't remember its spelling.

i'll have to wait and see if the meds work. i hope they do. but whatever it is, i'm glad that i've got myself a psychiatrist to help me get through this. i think it's the depression that drives me to pick and not the other way around.