shihui's journal--please support me!

[stilltrying]

Shihui, it's so hard when my skin still looks bad even when I didn't pick. It will take some time to even out without picking. Having a breakout sounds super frustrating. I don't know what works for you and what wouldn't help, but having a goal helps me. I have always been able to stop for a little while but mostly by obsessing over the bumps I could pick once the event or time limit was reached.

Some areas I picked, even with getting a chemical peel done, are still uneven and clearly scarred. I had to decide what was enough. I can't get perfect skin back. I can get skin looking good enough that people won't stare or comment.

I really appreciated your support, too. I hope I can help you a little, even just to know that someone else has gone through this.

stilltrying

[shihui]

thanks for your kind words nelly, amylou and stilltrying! yes nelly, i think my skin takes forever to heal...ugh...probably much faster if i don't constantly pick on healing skin. by the time i finally stop picking on that healing spot, it's too late. the scars would be too dark to fade away. i really don't wish to wait for years for them to fade...i just wish that they'll fade in weeks' time...but i don't know if that's just an impossible wish. amylou and stilltrying, i'm sorry to hear that both of you have to go through the same awful and frustrating situations. man..when can we stop this.

blenheim, my friend's friend, after much struggling, has left us to join God on 11th march, 5:05am...sigh............it hurts me to think that the 'last login' date on his friendster will remain as 26 february 2005 forever...

i encourage everyone to download and print the chart moratorium has done up! it's in the support board. i think it's a good way to keep track of your daily pickings. i've started keeping track since yesterday. yesterday was a ZT day...erm...actually it wasn't. i did pick quite a bit, but i decided to be lenient with myself and thus labelled yesterday as ZT. today it would be too obvious that i'm lying to myself if i would to call it ZT. i picked much more than yesterday. so i guess that marks the hideous face on my chart.

tomorrow i'll be going to do some community-involvement project near the beach with my friends. they're intending to stay after the activity to play at the beach. i'm really tempted to stay as well but i'm afraid the sun will darken my spots. i know i can apply sunscreen...but part of me wants to get tanned! i've always wanted to be tanned and because of these stupid scars, i've avoided the sun a lot. if i would to stay and join my friends tomorrow, the sun will be there to taunt me. maybe i shouldn't join them after all? if i apply sunscreen, i don't think i'll enjoy myself to the fullest anyway since they're having a tanning session tmr.

what do you think? should i join them or not?

[amylou]

oh the chart is a great thing! Oh yes do got and have fun..get your mind away from picking. The sun is good for you. This will get you out of the house and away from the mirrors! have fun!

[stilltrying]

If you can go, you should. The sun won't do anything to the scars that would be so bad that you shouldn't enjoy yourself at the beach.

[hoppe]

Hi shihui

It's been a while since you have written. I wonder how you are doing? I think you had a lot of stuff going on in school, maybe you are totally stressed?

I hope you went to the beach that day and had some fun. You deserve it.

hoppe

[shihui]

hi, i'm back. not that i had disappeared actually [in response to what hoppe wrote in her journal]...i was just tired to post because things are still almost the same just that i'm more in control right now. which is really good!

before i continue, thanks to yall for the replies! i did go to the beach the other day. IT WAS GREEEAAATT!! the sun is besides the point. it's the fun that i had there with all my friends. yep. i agree that being out keeps me away from mirrors, amylou! i'd probably spend the time picking if i didn't join my friends at the beach. stilltrying, i did enjoy myself! loads in fact hoppe, life is indeed getting more hectic for me. work from sch is tiring me out. and looking at the schedule for april, i can see that i won't have much time to rest.

okay, as i was saying previously, i'm more in control now. i decided to divide the faces on the chart into 6 parts each. each part is allocated for a certain time. i found that doing one day of ZT still requires a lot of effort for me. so as long as i do ZT for 3-4hrs, i can mark a clear face for one out of six parts. for the past few days, my performance has not been constant. i figured out that if i just stay away from the mirror, i can be pick free for almost the whole day with ease. comparing my performance with my past, i'm certainly doing much better now. but the damage does not seem to have improved..hmm.......i don't know.

it'll be 8 mths before i get my final exams [o levels] over and done with. mid-year exams here are a mth away. its importance is nothing compared to the o levels actually, since the mid-year exams are school-based. the o levels on the other hand are nation-based. but i still have to work very hard for the mid-year's.

sigh...i still have lots of sch work to be done. it's 10:45pm here. i guess i should leave now to get them done. my productivity rate is way too low!

wishing all of you, who are still hanging ard this board, a better day tmr.

[shihui]

i'm sick of picking...i'm sick of myself picking...i just hate myself.

this whole thing is a game. i want to win it. and i can even choose to win it. but why do i refuse to?!?! victory lies in my hands, literally even, yet i just REFUSE to and allow myself to fail time and again.

i want to just get my skin scraped off. i want to go for a plastic surgery and let plastic substitute this damned skin of mine. i'd rather live with a non-living skin, than to live with a living one that looks worse than dead. but i know, that i won't go for a plastic surgery after all...i know i'll either suffer through life with a skin like that or just kill myself.

i'm feeling really sad and helpless. i don't know why i have to do this to myself. i may tell myself and to all of you that i do this to deal with my stress, anxiety, depression and all the other negative emotions. but isn't this just an excuse? everyone else experiences these emotions. but most of them just deal with it without picking, probably by not doing anything at all. then why should i be the one who deals them by picking?!

why do i have to go through all of this...

[stilltrying]

I don't know what to say but I did want to post something to let you know I support you. It's so hard!

stilltrying

[amylou]

I know how you feel, you have gotten so far, keep trying..at least you realize what you do is wrong and harmful to your body, but everyday is a new day and you WILL over come it..it just takes time, courage and strength..and you have all of those! I hope you healing and i hope you feel better! You can do it..I have started working out and it has really helped me

[hoppe]

Hi sweet shihui

Your post really touched me, especially when you wrote - "let plastic substitute this damned skin of mine. i'd rather live with a non-living skin, than to live with a living one that looks worse than dead". I feel your pain. I wish so much I could help you. Nobody deserves to suffer in this way. I don't have to much positive energy these days, but whatever I have I will try to send to you. Please stay strong. Every nightmare stops at some point. It must. Speaking of nightmares, I had one last night, where I saw a note in the newspaper declaring my death and a picture beside it of me being dead. It looked horrible. I screamed and screamed and screamed until I finally woke up. Death might sometimes seem as a solution, but I ensure you it is not.

A big hug for you - close your eyes and feel it : *HUG*

hoppe

[shihui]

dearest stilltrying, amylou, and hoppe, THANK YOU!! your words mean a lot to me and have really made my day. i know that when you were replying, there may have been a chance when you yourself was having a bad day too...and yet you took the effort to encourage me. that touches me a lot! hoppe, i certainly felt it there was a tingling sensation when i really did close my eyes to feel..and your dream was really scary... i guess anyone who had such a nightmare would wake up screaming...screaming really badly. i hope that you won't have such nightmares again!

have not been picking excessively since the last post, but still there's damage. overall im feeling quite good today...but then again, every time i think of my reflection in the mirror, with all my scars, i feel depressed. heal quickly please! but i think 'quickly' seems to be asking for too much. as long as all my damage now can heal in future, i will be happy enough. but the possibility that they'll never heal brings me into a self-hate mode.

currently i'm typing with taped fingers. i'm using opsite flexigrid from smith&nephew. it's thin yet tough. stays on firmly and it's waterproof. feels more comfortable to have them around your fingers than plasters or scotchtape. oh yes, transparent too. i have only started using this method today. but so far, for the past few hrs, things have been quite good. i left the thumb, index and middle fingers of my right hand un-taped though. because it's quite distracting when i try to write...

i hope this method lasts...maybe you guys can give this a try.

[Nelly]

shihui,

Thanks for your post in my journal. I think I will always be too scared to commit suicide, although sometimes I can't help but contemplate it. But really, things could have been a lot worse, so I believe it helps to concentrate on all the good stuff that happens to us.

That's great that you've found these finger bands. I hope they work for you! Wishing you lots of strength and positive feelings,

Nelly

[ameise guest]

Hi shihui,

Thank you for your note and for checking on me.

I am glad that you are feeling more positive, too. sometimes it is amazing how simple things like finger wraps can help break the pick-cycle & get us on the healing/ recovery track.

I read about the bad day you had last week -- wishing for the plastic skin & that legimate question: why did we have to get stuck with this rotten picking habit & way of dealing with stress, etc...

I am sorry I didn't write back at the time... I guess I was having some stressful days myself and I also wasn't sure how much you were on the boards these days (but looking back, obviously, you were on there that day -- so I'm sorry I didn't respond).

Anyway, I am glad you are still out there (& her on he boards) & feeling better.

best wishes,

ameise

[hoppe]

Hi Shihui

How is it going with the taped fingers? I am happy you are not giving up but continue to try and try again! You will get through this.

Glad you could feel the hug. Wish I could give you one in real life, but that will not be possible anytime soon, I guess.

Hoping you will have a good day with sunshine and lots of inner strength.

hoppe

[shihui]

I NEED SOMEONE TO SAVE ME RIGHT NOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

arghhhh!!!! i'm on the verge of crying. i've never ever picked THIS badly before! HELPPPPPP!!!!! i'm feeling so sad...very very sad.......

i skipped sch today because i picked really badly last night, hoping to give myself a day for the skin to heal. and yet i did the same today!!! but no...i cant skip sch tmr again....

i don't know what to do...why....i cant believe how terrible my face is now...the whole left side of my face is red...i've been picking there for the whole day!!

if only one of you are here right now to console me...i'm so worried about sch tmr...i'm so upset i've been picking...SO MUCH. help.......