shihui's journal--please support me!

[shihui]

im 15 and living in singapore. im not sure if im the only asian here, but i think i may be. i think i may be the youngest here too! i started picking my face since 2003, but i think it got worse towards the end of that year.

i think there are only a handful of people who suffers from OSP in my country. i dont know anyone around me who has it. im really glad i found this website as i didnt know there're such support groups around.

because of OSP, i cannot bring myself to look at people in their eyes when we talk. doing that makes me feel that im rude and im afraid i'll give them a wrong impression. thus i even avoid talking to them unless i really have to. i avoid meeting new people as well as going out. it feels like people are constantly looking at my face and it makes me feel really insecure and inferior.

i may have been influenced my mother as she picks her face quite often too. however her condition isnt very serious. she pops the zits but does not pick on the scabs nor the flakey skin. the insecurity my brother gives me and the stress i face contribute to what i am suffering from now.

it's quite discouraging to know that there are not many medicines available for acne/scar treatment around in my country. singapore's really small and we dont have a variety of most stuff. i want to quit this bad habit soon and stop those inferior feelings i have right now.

[shihui]

okay..im gonna try the not-picking-for-24-hrs thing. so for the whole of today, i must not pick and tell myself i can do that tmr. and when tmr comes, im gonna tell myself the same thing. i really hope that im determined enough to do this till i stop the habit of picking.

[shihui]

i just came back from the pharmacy..empty-handed but with a really broken heart.

why do ppl i meet always point to their faces and ask me to get sth for it?! I KNOW I NEED PRODUCTS BUT CANT THEY STOP IT?!?! arghhhhhh. it's not as if i dont know it. so stop pointing to your cheeks and remind me that my face looks terrible!!!!

i went to try to find sth that can help my face. i was feeling quite motivated to do sth abt my damned face, looking around, until that stupid saleswoman came up to me and said the usual lines like every stranger who meets me would say. i know i may be overreacting because that saleswoman was just doing her job by trying to sell off some products, and that i probably could have gotten sth thr her recommendation, but i just cant accept the fact that everyone realises how ugly i am! it seems to the only thing that ppl realise when they meet me.

so im back home. feeling really depressed now, and im picking my face again. i hate myself. anyway i doubt any product will help make my face look better because the main problem actually lies with me picking my face.

i currently have 2 scabs, coz i picked out 4. and all 4 are just gonna turn out to become scabs again. i have countless of brown and red spots. and all these are just on the left cheek. i wonder who has worse cheeks than mine. im such a ugly freak

[shihui]

i mentioned previously that i picked out 4 scabs and there were 2 left. i just picked out the 2 too.

im so looking forward to seeing the new scabs forming again. those dark and hard scabs that stay on your face so that everyone will be commenting, either out loud or in their minds. sense the sarcasm?

[pickish]

Hi shihui

I understand how you feel, I was the same way when I was 15--but I'm very impressed by you because you have the courage to talk about it. I was so ashamed of myself back then, I pretended like it wasn't happening, and did everything I could to hide it.

And people are so cruel sometimes. I don't know how to help you feel better about that, except to say that you'll never be able to control what other people do or say, but you CAN yourself--words, actions, thoughts...and the most important thing is to try to be positive. Don't let anger or resentment or negativity get the best of you. You are more than just your skin, and it seems to me that you have a pretty smart head on those shoulders!

Hang in there, and just be gentle with yourself.

[Hecate]

Hi Shihui

Thanks for posting in my journal.At one point I've menaged ZT for 10 days & giving my skin a chance to heal had an amazing effect.It's the best feeling beeing able to look at my face & actually admire it instead of hating what I see.I have faith that soon I'll be able to do ZT again.Recovering from OSP seems to be a gradual process but I'm sure that we CAN recover.Acknowledging that there is a problem is the first step & I admire you for having courage to do that at an early stage.I understand how it feels thinking that everybody is judging you & in my expirience people are too busy obsessing about themselves to notice my imperfections.Self-centeredness & obsession is a big part of OSP & most of other OCDs & it took me a while to learn to deal with that & I'm still in the process of learning to be gentle & kind to myself & love myself the best I can.I know now that what other people think about me is none of my business & that makes my life a lot easier.Hang in there & I'm convinced that soon,if you haven't allready, you'll get through the day pick free.

WE CAN DO THIS TOGETHER!

[shihui]

thanks for your notes!

ive not been picking a lot for today and i hope everything will turn out better each day and not worse.

i have a question too..is it true that the longer you pick on this particular area of skin, the longer the scar will remain after you stopped picking there?

if it's true that the amt of time spent picking that area will actually affect the amt of time the scar remains, around how long can you afford to pick on that area before the scar formed becomes permanent?

well, as you can see, im really worried that even after i stop picking, my scars will be there forever. i want to be hopeful abt my skin..how long do normal scars take to heal anyway [if they ever do]?

putting my qns aside, tmr i'll be having new tuition lessons. the tuition will be carried out in a group. i dont enjoy meeting new ppl, so i really dread tmr. i hope things wont turn out that bad and my tuition mates and tutor wont remember me for my skin. although i wont know what they are thinking, i still fear of whatever critisism going inside their heads. i guess the least i will do is to not pick my face, esp for tmr since i have to meet new ppl and pray for the best.

it's such a relief i can pour all my troubles here, knowing that there are ppl reading this who understand. heh..and i would really appreciate it if you guys help clear those doubts that i mentioned!

[shihui]

this post is dedicated to hoppe, and those who suffer as much.

i read some of her past entries, and although both of us dont know each other, my heart wrenches to read her entries. it's really unfair that she had to go through so many horrible events in her life. just so unfair..

i believe there are many out there who probably suffers as much as she does, while there are really lucky ppl who do not suffer from such emotional and mental pains. worse still if those ppl suffer physically apart from emotionally and mentally.

i consider myself as one of the lucky ones. i do have insecurities, and i do have some negative experiences when i was a child which have left some serious impacts on me till now. but overall, im lucky.

it's troubling to know that life's so unfair. some ppl get all the harm, while some unappreciative ppl get all the protection. i dont know if you will get to read this, hoppe. but well, if you do, i wish for things to go well for you. we will be here for you. and just to let you know, this entry is not solely out of sympathy but also out of support. you will receive peace and strength to overcome all obstacles. -hugs-

anyway i just realised that hoppe left a short note for me

also, i think im posting too much on others' threads. haha..i should post less. on the other hand, i cant really help shorten the amt of time i spend here because this place gives me a sense of belonging/security. over here, ppl can accept who i am and i can express my thoughts without the fear of what others will think. because i trust that thoughts of the members here are always supportive and positive. you guys rock, i tell you.

[hoppe]

shihui -

I feel I do not have the right words to thank you for your post. I hope you can feel how much it meant to me. It even made me cry, because it was so kind. I do not know if it is normal, but I often get affected emotionally if someone is kind to me.

I want to let you know that I am here for you too. If there is any way I can help you, please let me know.

And another thing - don't feel bad about posting in other people's threads. I think everybody here appreciates it very much if someone responds to them. I definitely do.

hoppe

[shihui]

dun mention it, hoppe. anyway, of course it is normal to be affected emotionally when someone is kind to you. the reason why we would be is probably due to the lack of concern shown towards us. thus small acts of sincerity and kindness will mean so much to us. im glad you read my post and know that im here to support you. hope you'll continue to read my journal.

this entry is going to be quite long. a number of things i want to say that have happened over these few days.

for the past few days, ive not had any major picks. although i had been picking, none of them bled or anything. i was quite hopeful abt my skin over the weekend.

however when i woke up this morning to get ready for the first day of sch of the week, i noticed that my face was full of scars. ppl who din pick/picked a little for a few days in a row would get their skin appearing better. but mine just seems even worse than before.

because ive not been picking much, there are no scabs nor visible raw flesh on my face [which is good]. however my face is full of dark, uneven brown spots. the scars, in other words. there are sooooo many of them!!!

argh. i was so frustrated and embarrassed to show my face when i went to sch this morning. sighhhhhhhhhh...if only things could become better and not worse...it feels like the scars will take FOREVER to disappear.

another thing that's troubling me. tuition. see, i started having tuition lessons since last week. it was my first lesson and my tutor actually said im really sweet-looking. he casually said that he should recommend his younger brother who's 19 to me. even though he may be joking, i find it really stressful. i do not want to be seen as pretty or anything, with a complexion like that. he probably didnt notice my complexion as he wasnt that near me.

i really dread the next lesson, which is this thursday. im scared that he'll realise that my complexion totally sucks, and i have like 20-30 scars on each cheek. sometimes i cant help but have this crazy wish that my scars will all merge into one big patch. that would at least look neater and less messed up than small uneven-sized dark brown spots all of the place.

i do not want my tutor to notice the flaw in me. neither do i want to date with his brother or anything like that. but im scared that others would change their positive impression of my looks after realising my flaw. i do not deny that i look pretty good. but it's seriously rare for others to say that when they realise my acne, scars etc. if my scars do not get better by this thursday, im going to skip tuition lesson for this week.

i know i cant keep running away like that, but i really dont want to ruin that beautiful image of me, that my tutor has. another thing, i heard some of my classmate fussing over one teeny weeny zit they have, which wasnt even obvious. when i heard that, all i could think was "gosh. if that's terrible, what's mine". the girl who sits beside me in class has good skin and she fussed abt one to me today. i had no choice but to just give a sympathetic smile for that one zit she has.

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....feb 9 and 10, we'll be going to visit our relatives. i really dread that day. my cousins look pretty and they dont have such horrible skin. it'll be so embarrassing. i know my tactless aunts will also question me abt my face...it's not as if they havent. like hello??? it's MY face. do they think i wouldnt realise all the shit my face has when i have to live with it day and night?! i guess im going to try feign sickness and pray that i dont have to go visiting. that's if my skin doesnt get better by then. but well, im pretty sure it wont...it always doesnt...good complexion was all in the past....

oh well, this sucks. as i was typing, i stopped every now and then to pick. at least they are now red marks and not dark brown skin that's has hardened. but im sure these red marks will just form the hardened brown skin tmr. sigh..

[hoppe]

Hi Shihui

I can recognize myself in what you are writing. As soon as there are no 'fresh' red wounds, the old scars become so much more obvious. As long as I have something that is healing, I completely focus on it and do not notice the skin around as much, but when it is healed, I get sad that even in a healed state does my skin still not look its best. Anyway, as I have been picking for 7 years, I know that most scars get much less dominant with time. Especially those that in principle only are a miscolouring of the skin - they will start to fade in with the rest of th skin. I would be careful though with to much tanning ... I try to avoid sun with scars that are fresh, because I learned at some point that it won't help them but rather make them stay. But I do not know if that is true.

I hope you are feeling better and will meet with your tutor on thursday. I think he was honest when he said that you are sweet-looking. And I am sure you will also be on thursday. You know, I think that most pickers get a completely wrong picture of themselves in their head - as if they only are made up of their wounded/scarred skin and nothing else. I recently complained about a spot to my boyfriend and he said - so what - that things makes up less than 0.01 percent of you - how can it bother you so much? I think he is right. You and I are much more than some skin!

I have absolutely no idea what time it is at your place right now, but I hope that you will have a nice day.

hoppe

[shihui]

thanks hoppe, i think i shld stop tanning. it's better to be safe than sorry. for it to become less obvious, around how long will it take? i dont mean completely fade away, because i know that would take months or probably even longer :/ i just want to know a rough estimation of how long it'd take to just lighten up, before i get impatient and start picking on my scars. oh yes, a really supportive boyfriend you've got there, hoppe!

i tried to not pick today..but the moment i got home from sch, i started it again. the desire to pick always comes after a long day at sch, and also after studying/doing assignments at home. i guess picking helps me relieve the stress and tension. studying here is just so stressful..sigh. hope that the remaining 5hrs and 30min left for today will be pick-free!

[shihui]

hi..im back. decided to pen down my thoughts after visiting some other boards. im quite affected after reading those recommendations on facial products. i wish i'd have the chance to obtain these products. besides a basic face wash and a bottle of acne gel, i dont have any other products.

i actually told my mother abt this disorder a few days after i found this support group. i told her that the reason i pick is because i have this disorder. i told her abt this support group that made me learnt many things on CSP. i guess telling her will make me less embarrassed when i have to face her after a bad picking session.

all of my family members have mentioned abt my face to me before. my mother knew i pick before i told her abt this disorder. i guess it's pretty obvious that i do just at one glance..she told me to stop it and said that im ruining my face. my father who works overseas comes back once in a while. during one of his return trips, he asked abt my face. i didnt answer. my second brother said that i have many scars and started giving really "kind and useful" comments. i feel like slapping him even at the thought of this. my eldest bro who works overseas too, came back recently. i maintained distances with him, hoping that he wouldnt realise my face. he did and just like the rest, he commented on it. every time i hear such things, i feel like breaking down that instant. sometimes i would feel like killing myself. my relatives and schoolmates dont make things any better anyway.

such comments just make me pick more. so much for being a perfectionist...anyway, i would really appreciate if my mother would to buy me some scar treatment product from her beautician. i dont have the courage to bring this matter up to my mother again, and so i really dont know how to ask her to get it for me. the pharmacies here have such limited variety of skincare products, unlike my mother's beautician who imports them. my mother knows abt my disorder, but why cant she just realise how much it affects me? if only she'd help...

[shihui]

ok..so i managed to ask my mother to help me get a product for the scars on my face. and she started to look at my face and say in that stupid tone of hers, "stop picking will you" and then she looked even harder at my face. then she continued "my god. you've picked until your face is in such a state."

i didnt look at her. i told her that it isnt sth that i want and she actually laughed. i ended up saying that the reason why im in this state is because of her and that this disorder is hereditary. in other words, i blamed her. although i dont know how true that is, buti do believe that it is. since young ive already known that there's such a thing called picking, because even before i was born, my mother has already been picking. i feel that picking wouldnt have been a part of me if it hadnt been a part of her. she takes good care of her skin now and so her skin has no scars or anything like that. although it isnt perfect, it's far better than mine.

if only i can isolate myself from the rest of the world for liek a year. im sure my skin will be scar-free by the end of it. i pick at my scabs because i want to look good the next day without any scabs. this may be true, as the fresh red marks are less obvious that thick scabs on the face. but this is only temporary. after that the scabs will just return or sth. if only i had the chance to isolate myself for a year. then for that whole year i know i wont pick because i would know that i have one year ahead to heal. i would not be paranoid abt ppl noticing all the dark brown spots, flaking skin etc in the healing, process. and so i wont even pick to try make my face look good temporarily. and being less paranoid will just mean being less stressed/tensed up, which indirectly leads to no picking. but, all these are just stupid and they will never happen.

my damned face affects my studies so much. every time i get reminded of how disgusting it looks, i wont have the motivation to do anything. just like now. i was supposed to do some work after this but i dont want to do so anymore. i dont have the mood to. this thing happens all the time and if this continues, i'll never be able to get all my work done.

i just want to cut my face off.

[shihui]

okay. the following entry will just be my rants, based on no actual statistics. it's basically nonsense..

i deserve to die because im ugly. ppl will be happy to see me because im uglier than them. im just a stupid crybaby who cries at every single comment made abt my face even though ive received countless of such comments. im lucky that if im in sch, i am able to hold back my tears if i ever hear them say anything, until i reach home. i am jealous of ppl with good complexion. no guys in my country would like a girl like me because there are far too many pretty girls here. the only guys who would want me are those who are desperate for girls or just have nothing better to do. many of my friends agree that if one pretty girl and one ugly girl would to go for a job interview, the pretty girl will get the job. though i stated my opinion there and then that that is not true, my friends still said "looks are important". to think about it now, looks are important. even if they are the not most important, i know that over here, character can never be more important than looks. im a stupid problematic girl who has been a loner for 3 years in sch. first year, i was a confused idiot who cried almost every day. i didnt even notice that until the next year came. as for the second year, i realised i had depression. i did nothing to it anyway. my insomnia got worse with my depression getting better. and for the 3rd year, i have CSP. this is the 4th year. it'll be the same as last year i guess. either that or just CSP plus some other shit. i miss those days before that. to speak frankly, i hate the ppl in my country. yes, i cant be bothered to keep that in me any more. ive been wanting to say this, but i always dont because it's just so...not right. but now i cant take it anymore. i hate the ppl here. i hate asians. i think that asians are stupid ppl who slog 3/4 of their lives not knowing why they live for. i think that asians are materialistic, superficial, shrewd, hypocritical. of course, not all are like that. but for those asian countries who are more modernised already, i think that that is the case. i'll probably end up in jail if some asian politician reads this, but i wont because they wont know who i am. so there. ive ranted enough.