shihui's journal--please support me!

[ameise as guest]

Hi shihui-

I wanted to put a reply in your journal to thank you for responding to mine.

I know what you mean about wanting to come to this place, this website, because it is a place where every one understands & can relate to the concerns of a picker.

Unfortunately, after being on the computer most of the day at work, I do not like to spend too much time on the internet at home.

So, I do not write here everyday, but it is still nice to be able to come here.

I have not read your entire journal, but I wanted to chime in along with hoppe, that from what you write, I think your skin is not as bad as you think it is...
for example, like hoppe said, I am sure your tutor was being sincere and that he, and others, do see you as sweet looking... there is so much more to us than our skin. Sometimes when I am happy, and feeling healthy, I can feel that it is what is inside of me that is shaping how I look to others... like the way people glow or look radiant when they are happy... that happens on a level that transcends our skin...

Also, if people ever complain to me about their skin, I take that as an indication that they do not see my skin as being completely "off-the-charts" bad.... because if they did see my skin as sooo horrible, they probalby would not bring up skin/ blemishes at all... does that make sense?


I also want to reassure you that it really sounds like your skin and scars will get better -- you are young & your body can heal itself well, and, if they are mostly just discolorations, they will fade.

Best luck to you,

I'm glad you found this board

Ameise

[shihui]

thanks ameise! your note was really encouraging and i think they really make sense. others have commented that im pretty before. but that was even before my face landed in such a state. ive stopped hearing such nice comments. some of my closer friends even joke about me looking ugly. although they were joking, it must have been true to quite an extent. no-one would actually joke about a person being ugly if she's really pretty, right? so...yea..i guess that my tutor didnt notice those marks on my face since i wasnt sitting that near him. if he did, i think he would take back his words.

by the way, what does "discolorations" really mean? is it just another term for scars? or are scars and discolorations 2 different things?

today has been quite a pick-free day. i picked a little, but there werent any major pickings. the weekend is here soon. i hope i'll allow my skin to heal during this weekend, and not pick on it.

we're all looking forward to having a clear face, dont we? so yes, good luck to all of you out there!

[hoppe]

Hi Shihui

I am glad you sound more positive.

About the scars/discolorations. I think you call it a discolouration if the skin only has a different colour than supposed to (darker or lighter than the surrounding skin), but if there is nothing else different, i.e. the skin is not raised or has holes. A discolouration is still a scar if it stays for a long time, but the chances of it fading in with the rest after some time are quite high. The holes on the other hand, if you have any that is, .... well, I am afraid they stay unless you get some more drastic treatment.

I hope you will have a nice weekend (is it friday afternoon at your place now?).

hoppe

[shihui]

hi hoppe! thanks for your reply! it was friday afternoon when i posted my previous message. it's now friday evening already. GMT 8+ over here i think.

im so glad to know that the ones i have are actually discolourations. nd i dont have any holes on my face! lucky me. will these discolourations fade away after a few days? or will they only fade away after weeks/months? heh..im SO eager to see positive changes.

picked a little since my last post. no damage. ;D still 6 more hours to go before saturday is here. shall pray that i wont give in to any desire to pick during this remaining time.

[shihui]

im in my bad mood right now..sigh...im feeling ugly today. though i didnt pick this morning, somehow i think that even if i have perfect skin, im still ugly. im ugly even without acne and scars. feeling lousy about myself..may be due to the bad hair cut i just had too.

have looked into the mirror a lot of times since i woke up today. i didnt pick. my main focus when i looked into the mirror this morning wasnt my scars. it was actually the general ugliness of my face.

wonder when these scars will disappear anyway..

ive looked so many times into the mirror that the image of my reflection is stuck in my head right now. i hope this rotten feeling of myself will go away soon. of course, together with the scars.

[shihui]

have not been picking much for the past few days [over the weekend] until today..ugh...

school just makes a mess out of my life..and indirectly, a mess out of my face. i came home from sch and started picking. managed to stop myself and go take a shower. usually i'd stop picking after i feel fresh. but it didn't happen today. i continued to pick. i just felt the need to release all my tension.

fortunately i didn't ruin my face that much..just a little damage done. phew..

worse still, i'm breaking out. i guess it's because my period is about to come..grr...furthermore it's just the beginning of the week. 4 more school days to go before the weekend is here...i really dread going to school...i am so embarrassed to face people when talking to them, and i am always thinking if they noticed the mess. i can't do anything to cover it up...i think i'm too young for make up and stuff...though i really hope that i can hide the mess.

[hoppe]

Hi Shihui

Have not heard from you in a while. Are you okay?



hoppe

[shihui]

hi hoppe! thanks for your concern. yes, i'm okay

it's just that i've been pretty busy this week and i foresee that i'll get busier week by week. there's a major examination that all of us who are 16 have to take at the end of the year. the teachers are loading us with work. furthermore we have to put in a lot of efforts ourselves. some have already started to prepare themselves at this point of time, though they refuse to admit it....

somehow it's inbuilt in the ppl here that they like to lie to others about their progress in their studies, so that others won't worry that they are lazing around too much. in a way, that will benefit those liars because the ppl around them will be thinking that it's okay if they haven't started to prepare because others haven't either. but the thing is that, most of those who said they haven't started preparing were just lying.

i don't see the point why ppl i know still have to ask "have you started preparing yet?" when they know that the person is just going to say she hasn't, whether in reality she has or she truly has not. and when that person answers she has not started preparing, the person who asked will not believe either. that's because the person who asked will somehow know inside her that ppl will lie about their progress, because she does that herself. i know this whole thing sounds silly, and i don't know if it is practised in other countries [though i think it isn't practised], but it is true.

okay...that was a lot of ranting on sth not related to face-picking. but i felt i had to get it out. i'm so irritated by how everyone here is so...i don't know what word to use actually...shrewd maybe? even i do that. and that bothers me. i hate lying, but if i don't, i'm going to lose out too. sigh..........i hope you guys will give me your opinions about this. is the same thing happening in other countries as well? if it is, i guess i can't run away from it even if i would to leave mine.

back to face-picking. i've been doing pretty well lately. have not done any ZT, but at least i pick very little each day. and that's good my scars don't seem to be healing and so my face is still quite in a mess. it's the weekend and i hope there'll be no/little picking...i need the time to rest after 5 exhausting days from school and for my skin to heal. so i can't afford to waste my time picking.

[hoppe]

Hi Shihui

Thanks for the post in my journal!

I saw you are online just now - I thought maybe you would like to chat for a while?? There is a chat room on the site.

hoppe

[shihui]

i guess i missed you, hoppe would love to chat with you though.

sunday morning here. realised that i've not been picking much since 21st jan. though there was this entry that mentioned about having quite a bad pick, i think it wasn't that serious . but anyway, it is true that after school, i have the desire to pick...just to help relieve the tension. dreadful monday is almost here..sigh..

condition of my skin is still not improving despite not picking much for the past 9 days. furthermore, i know that for those 9 days, i've only picked on a few. most of my healing skins have not been picked on for even longer than that..probably for 2-3 weeks. they're currently discolourations...but they're not fading. probably they'll never.

[hoppe]

Hi shihui

Don't worry, we can just chat another day, right?

Hope your sunday is/was okay. I guess it must be evening by now. I am sorry about your discolourations. Don't give up. Mine often take months before they are completely faded. I have this particular nasty big one on my left cheek which is from october last year .... . Patience is the word, I guess.

Sending you a hug and strength to make it through the next week of school!

*Hug*

hoppe

[shihui]

i picked a little again today...

picked on:
-2 small bumps on my chin.
-1 healing patch on left cheek. didn't pick on this for long. got the skin out and that was it. no bleeding. looks like another thicker layer of skin is going to form.
-1 semi-healing patch on lower side of left cheek. picked on this quite badly. it bled.
-1 healing mosquito bite on lower side of right cheek. not serious at all. guess it's because it's just a mosquito bite and i didn't really pick on it before that.

erm..listing down the things a picked...seems like i picked quite a bit after all. and to think i was doing good for the past one and half weeks. this is around the amount i pick every day of that one and half weeks. damn...

maybe i'm doing not bad after all...since it's been quite some time since i picked till i bled [though one bled a little today]. and so, scabs have not been forming. i don't think a scab is going to form at the one which bled a little since it didn't bleed THAT much...yea..i'm trying to reassure myself that i'm doing well down here..haha

what bothers me most are my discolourations. i've got 30-40 small brown spots on each cheek/side of my face. i emphasize, EACH. around 10 on each cheek/side of face are larger than the rest of the smaller spots though. that's about it i guess. shall end here.

[hoppe as guest]

Hi Shihui

I am sorry about your discolourations. I really hope they will fade with time. I am actually sure they will. You are so young. Your skin will heal.

I read your other post, where you try to find an excuse so you do not have to meet with your relatives. In a way it breaks my heart to read it. I have found a million excuses in my life for not doing something because I felt my skin did not look good enough. But I will be honest - most of those times I regreted deeply that I did not go. I think you should really consider it. I know that it will be hard. But I wonder if it not would be harder to lie and have to live with that lie??

I am thinking about you and hoping you have a nice day today!

hoppe

[shihui]

thanks hoppe, for your reply to my post! i really don't think i'll regret it actually, because this would be my first time avoiding meet-ups with my relatives [if i would to really feign illness]. for the past few times when i visit them, i end up regretting that i went because i'd receive comments about my face from them that really hurt me. i want to avoid hearing such things this time round...thanks for your concern anyway, hoppe. i really appreciated it.

i can't stay for long...probably for only 10 minutes. i see a few of the members online right now--Sioned, Susan and hoppe. unfortunately i don't have the time right now to plan a chatting session with them maybe they're already in the chatroom right now.

have been picking a little more than the past few days today. picked on:

-3 bumps on my chin. 2 of which i picked yesterday too [have been picking on the same 3 for quite some time already ]
-1 supposedly healing patch on my lower left cheek. picked on it yesterday. it didn't bleed as much as it did today. the blood wouldn't stop flowing, i tell you! i'm pretty sure there'll be a big scab by tmr. i have been picking on this for a really long time already. around a month and half i think. i'm just not giving it enough time to heal
-1 healing patch on my left cheek. picked out the healing skin yesterday and did the same today. i stop picking after i remove the healing skin, so there's not much damage done.

i think it's a good idea to list down what i've been picking, as a record, and adding smileys to depict the seriousness of the damage done. at least today i didn't pick on my right cheek, which i did yesterday. i hope tmr will be a better day. same for all of you guys out there too

need to leave now. bye!

[shihui]

i'm not in a good mood right now...very affected my the condition of my skin. i've been continuously picking on the 3 bumps at my chin and the the scab on my lower left cheek. have also been picking on my forehead. things are really bad right now. i have a huge scab on my lower left cheek and 3 smaller ones on my chin. my forehead's in a pretty bad condition as well. i have the strong urge of picking another healing skin at my left cheek.

i don't want to live like this..with a face i don't want others to see...i want to wake up in the morning seeing a miracle on my face...but that'll never happen..i wake up every morning seeing my face in a worse state than before, knowing that i'll have to face others like that. i hate being self-conscious all the time, especially in front of others. i don't want to face anybody at all...but that's impossible. i thoroughly hate life.

i don't wish to live that long to wait for everything to be fine...