shihui's journal--please support me!

[hoppe]

Shihui -

I am sorry you are depressed. But I know so well where it is coming from. I also often feel so terribly depressed because of this.

I have noticed how you often write that you are picking at 'healing' spots. I want to ask you why? What feelings have you connected with it? Are you trying to make them look better? As soon as I can see a spot is really healing and a 'nice' scab has formed I usually leave it alone because now I know things are getting better on their own. It is much worse with spots that just seem getting bigger and more infected etc - there I feel my intervention might make things better.
Maybe you can start to work on things one at a time and begin with leaving the healing spots alone so they will really heal?

I am worried about you, shihui. I wish I could give you some hope that things will get better. I believe they will. Even in my darkest moments I still have some belief that one day I will be out of here and I will be free and I will stop hating myself and my skin. You will too.



hoppe

[ameise as guest]

Hi Shihui-

I want to give you some encouragement, too

It sounds like although you never got to ZT, for a little while you weren't doing much damage to your skin -- try to remember that you can do this, remember how it is easier to do everything in a day when you don't have to worry about what people are thinking about scabs...

I know you never lost your self-consciousness about you discolourations, but I want to reassure you that they will fade... for me, they ususally fade a little within a week, then it is probably a month or two until they fade to normal or almost normal skin color... plus, like hoppe said, there mayb e a few stubborn ones that take many months, but I think those are the exceptions. I think that taking care of yourself and your skin helps -- eating well, getting vitamins, drinking water, and keeping your skin moisturized (I am almost sure drying-acne creams slow down healing).

I know it is hard to be patient, but they will fade... try to remember that being gentle to your skin will prevent the formation of more.

I also wanted to let you know I used to have trouble not picking on things that are healing... it is almost as if I think that because I caused the damage I can fix it, or make it better.... I would try to pick off dry skin, or big scabs hat can't be covered up well with make up...

I see that tendency (to pick on healing things) as part of what keeps the cycle going. Although I haven't been able to stop picking entirely, I have been doing well, and part of the fdiference has been not letting myself get into a cycle -- just raly beleiving that if I do give in to picking, it will get better & the very best healer is time, a few days.

good luck

ameise

PS I think in the USA there is some level of people pretending to study less than they do... especially in "accelerated" or "honors" classes, or difficult fields like medical school where here is lots of pressure....
maybe it's human nature -- not to want to seem like too much of a studier, or the fear that if youadmit to having studied for 6 months & then you do poorly, people will think less of you...

[sioned]

Shuhui,

I am so sorry to hear that you're feeling so bad. I promise you that things will get better. I know there are times when I feel so low that I just cannot imagine there was ever or could ever be a time I didn't feel that awful, but then when I am feeling a bit happier its hard to imagine that I felt so bad! The feelings will pass, honestly - just keep hanging in there.

I know it must be really hard to have to go to school each day. You know, at the moment my face has been so bad that I missed so many lectures because I couldn't face going and having to see people. And the lectures I did go to were in a dark lecture theatre and I arrive a bit late, sit in the darkest place at the back and then leave really quickly as soon as its over - I haven't spoken to anyone on my course unless I absolutely had to for nearly two weeks.
But I know cos you are only 15 and have to go to school it is more difficult for you. So many of the things you say remind me of when I was your age. I used to come home from school and just pick and pick to let all the frustration out. The difference is that I didn't realise I had such a problem. I totally denied I had a problem for at least 8 years and now I've spent the last 7 years trying to deal with it. But for you, even though it probably feels like a lifetime, you have only been picking for maybe 2 years (I think you said 2003).
Anyway - the longer you have a habit for the harder it is to get rid of it as your brain get used to reacting in a certain way - the fact that you haven't had this problem for too long and the fact you know it is a problem and are trying really hard to deal with it are such important things. Think of it as if you already have a head start .... you can definitely do this!

I've been reading over your journal and there were a few things Iwondered. Do you think it is worth trying to talk to your mum again about it. I know it didn't go too well last time but maybe if you say something about it again she might start to listen. You were also saying you have no products for your skin and I was wondering what exactly the problem was, I mean is it because you can't buy stuff without your mum knowing, or you don't know what to get, or there isn't anything available to you in the shops? Please don't take these questions the wrong way, I just wondered because I was trying to think of things to suggest - like if it would be possible for you to order stuff online or for us to send you some stuff. I know you said you think you're too young for make-up but I thought if you could maybe just get some concealer you could just put a tiny bit on the worst areas and it wouldn't look like you were wearing make-up but it would help make your skin a bit less red.

[sioned]

(posting this in two sections as my computer has a lovely habit of suddenly deleting everything I've written - its very annoying!!)

The other things I was just going to say was about the people there always commenting on your skin. I really think that is a big cultural difference compared to here in the UK. British people are so reserved they're almost backwards in some respects (just my opinion - hope i'm not offending anyone!). I've noticed this difference because of the fact that I have really bad scars on my arms from self-harm. Most of the time I keep them covered unless I'm with family or friends, but I am a student nurse and because of the uniform, when I am working in hospital people can see my arms. Hardly any british people at all ask me what happened, I think because they can probably work it out for themselves and so don't want to embarrass me by asking. It's also like there's an invisible barrier that you just don't cross when it comes to asking questions, especially to people you don't know, or don't know very well. But whenever I am working with non-british nurses (mostly I mean people from Asia and the sub-continent) I can almost guarantee that when they notice my arms they'll say "oh my god, what happened to you?" (or words to that effect!). At first I thought these people were being really rude but after it kept happening so much I realised that it is just a cultural thing and in some cultures its not considered rude to comment on other peoples appearence even when you don't know them.

I know this doesn't help you much in dealing with the comments - I just thought its an interesting observation (sorry for rambling!).

And as for the thing about everyone pretending not to work when really they are - that happens quite a bit here too. I think it depends on the school you are at and the atmosphere there. The first secondary school I went to it was really uncool to be clever or seen to work hard and I even used to lie about my grades (except to my close friends) so I wouldn't get called a swot. Then in the next school I went to I was really surprised because the people there all wanted to do really well and the ones who got good grades would often boast about it, which drove me crazy!

Just out of interest, what is the exam you have to do? Is it like our GCSE's? Are you taught in English or do you speak it anyway? (I mean, your English seems completely fluent to me and I'm always amazed that people on this board from non-English speaking countries have the most amazing English. I don't speak any other language except a tiny bit of french - and I mean tiny!)

Ok, I'll stop rambling now. I really really hope you start feeling a bit better soon. Remember what I said earlier about the fact you are already trying to fight this is sooo important - you will get there, I know you will, and I hope we can give you all the support you need.

Love Sioned xxx

[Nelly]

Hi shihui,

I'm sorry you've been feeling so bad. I know what it's like, since I'm also going through one of those phases right now. It seems like a lot of people have been feeling extra anxious over the past couple of days. I wonder if it has something to do with an outside factor such as the magnetic field of the earth, the phase of the moon, the sun... who knows.

Anyway, it's terrible that your mom does not understand your problem. I know my mom thinks I have a (physical) skin problem and she will comment on it once in a while, not in a negative way, but rather in a concerned, worried manner. Even then that makes me a bit annoyed. I can't even imagine what I would feel like if she laughed at me.. geez. I hope you don't take it to heart.

Anyhow, I recently bought this medicated ointment called Scarzone (supposed to diminish the appearance of scars), since I thought I had a few scars that weren't healing. I used it once and I think it helped a bit, but right now I'm pretty much ignoring those scars (I think they are slowly disappearing on their own anyway) and instead concentrating on creating new wounds. My point is, if you want, I could send you this ointment by mail. I think you'll have better use for it than me and I really hope it will help those stubborn scars of yours go away so you can feel better about yourself. Let me know and if you're interested you can give me your mailing address (email me at [e-mail] or post it here) and I'll ship it to you. I just hope your country doesn't have any sort of customs restrictions for medications like Canada does.

Nelly

[shihui]

hi! i'm so glad to see all of your replies. they really made my day

hoppe-
i guess the reasons why i pick at my healing spots are due to both anxiety/stress and also the hope of making them look better. usually i just feel the need to remove the healing skin. i don't really understand why i do that either. it's just an urge when i feel really stressed. but as for my scabs, i guess most of the time i just cannot tolerate having such thick brown spots on my face, that ppl will easily notice even at a distance away. i do try to leave them alone. that's sth that i've always wanted to do, but have never succeeded in. i too, believe that one day i will be able to face others without being self-conscious

ameise-
the part where you mentioned sth about fixing the damage done is what i go through all the time. although it's obvious that most of the times, the damage is never fixed. it either remains the same [if you're lucky], or it just turns out worse than before. the urge to get the damage fixed has always caused me to end up having a bad picking session. i agree with you that time is the best healer. unfortunately most of the time i just refuse to let time do the job as i think it's too slow and so i take things in my own hands. in the end i just keep delaying my healing process. but i just can't seem to break the cycle!

sioned-
i'm so glad you understand my situation in school. i was totally ignorant about my disorder until i found this board. i didn't even know why i kept picking! i didn't realise i was using it to vent my frustrations and i thought it was solely due to my vanity. and yes, i've realised that the earlier you realise it is a problem, the easier it is for the disorder to be cured. but i believe that it's a matter of time before we're all cured, as long as we ourselves, believe we can be cured

i'm not so sure about talking to my mother about it again, sioned. it takes me a lot a lot of courage to bring it up [esp when i hide my feelings and try to sound casual]. i've brought the issue up to her a couple of times already but it seems like she didn't really see the need of doing anything about it. i guess it's because she doesn't understand what i have to go through..despite me trying to explain.

as for why i have no products, it's mainly because the variety of products available in shops here are really limited. that's why i tried to get my mother to buy from her beautician. her beautician owns quite a range of imported products. actually i can go to the pharmacy to find products myself without my mother's knowledge. however...the pharmacist as expectedly would approach me and bring this sensitive issue up. it's like first she'll ask, "excuse me, can i help you?" i'll simply shake my head and thank her but she'll stand around for some time while i look around. then she'll ask,"do you want to get any products?" while making hand gestures around her face. ugh...it simply annoys me when i see that action and hear those questions. it makes me feel as if like that's the only thing they will ever notice. fortunately when i walk in to the pharmacy, most of the time i'm truly searching for facial products. imagine if i'm not..i guess i'll feel even worse. but i walk out empty-handed everytime...wanting to just bury my face and cry.

i have no knowledge of make-up. not even the basics..haha. i don't know what kind of concealer to use. but i guess the main problem is that i wouldn't dare to buy it. i mean, i would feel really embarrassed and especially aware of who sees me buying and what they'll be thinking. i don't even have the courage to walk in crowded public places..and i don't think i can order products online..i need a credit card or sth right? i think. and if the product gets delivered, my whole family will know about it...that's really embarrassing to me..

and yes, sioned! i really agree to what you said about the comments ppl around my region make. and i'm really upset that i have to agree because what you said is so true. it isn't even seen as rude to ask such a sensitive question like the one you mentioned. it's so terrible that many asians are so blunt and do not even realise that by not asking such a question, they're showing the person the most basic respect. i know it's improper of me to say such things about ppl whom come from the same region as i do, but such a culture irks me.

i used to hang around these friends who love to comment about ppl's appearances even though they do not know them. i was so affected by how they would critisize the person. i myself got more self-conscious day by day due to their comments on others. that period of time was just horrible.

as for the exam i have to take, it's called the O' levels here. i'm not sure if it's the same as the GCSE's you mentioned because i have no idea how the education system there is like. for us, we go to kindergarten when we're 4 and 5. then primary school from the time when we're 6 till we're 12. at 12, we have the PSLE to determine which secondary school you can attend from there. secondary school lasts for 4 yrs. so when we're 16, during the last year of our secondary school, we have to take the O' levels to determine the junior college we would attend. at the end of 2 years of junior college, we have to take another major exam called the A' levels to determine the university we can go to.

we're taught in english here. singapore's a multi-racial country. we learn english as our first languge and our mother tongue as our second. most from the older generation do not know how to speak english. they either speak in their mother tongue or in dialect. however, to speak truthfully, most of the young singaporeans speak really badly, despite being taught english in school. it's quite an embarrassment when foreigners talk to us.

oh wow. that was really long!

nelly-
i really want to thank you for your offer! however i really do not know whether i should accept it or not. it would be really nice if i have a product to remove my discolourations. but like i mentioned to sioned above, when it gets delivered to me, i'd be very embarrassed because my whole family would know. furthermore it isn't that nice to trouble you. but anyway, it's the thought that really touches me


sioned and ameise, thanks for sharing with me your observations of how ppl try to appear less hardworking. at least now i know that this actually happens in other places as well! and to all of you, thank you so much for your support. i really appreciate that you support me and believe in me! *hugs*

this entry is realllyyy long! i spent like 1-2 hrs thinking and typing out my reply!

[shihui]

now for some update on my picking situation...
picked on:

-the 3 bumps on my chin. AGAIN. 2 of them were scabs, and 1 was a hardened skin spot. i just can't seem to stop this cycle, i tell you. i left them alone for quite some time. then i messed around with one of the scabs. and it led to picking the hardened spot..and finally i just decided to get rid of the last scab as well. i feel so relieved but tremendously guilty after picking all 3 of them out. i guess the relief is not enough to cover the guilt.

but other than that, i left everything else alone. i didn't pick on the small scabs on my forehead. neither did i pick on the huge scab on my lower left cheek. i applied some cream on the 3 bumps after picking. i hope that'll help.

anyway i saw on one of nelly's boards where hoppe left a reply. hoppe commented on nelly's kindness for offering to send her scar treatment over. i can't agree more to what hoppe had said.

[Nelly]

shihui,

It's really no trouble for me to send that treatment over, especially since I believe you'll get much better use out of it than I would. That sucks that your family monitors the mail you receive. Are you sure there's no way around it? Like I could send it to a friend of yours and then they could give you the package without your family's knowledge.. I really want you to feel better about yourself. Let me know.

Nelly

[shihui]

nelly, i'm really so consoled that you're willing to do this for me. erm...i think i'll ask my friend to do me this favour by receiving the mail. hope she'll agree.

there have been 2 clogged-up pores that i took care of for yesterday and today. i used tweezers yesterday to try getting the gunk out..but i couldn't even after doing much damage to my skin. today i managed to get it out from both of the pores. it's so sick but yet so satisfying..ugh! i used the tweezers as well as a pin today!! that's really really bad. i didn't have the habit of using tools before that...but i found out recently that i could and that's when i started using.

the 2 pores are on my left cheek, and they're on the discolourations themselves. bad combination. the initial 2 bumps, if i'm not wrong, were caused by applying vitamin e. i have been breaking open the capsules and applying the liquid on my face. but because i've got so many discolourations on my cheeks, it's pointless to apply spot by spot. most of them are close to one another and some have even merged to form a bigger one. so i just apply the liquid over my both cheeks, and i only avoid applying the bigger areas of my cheeks that are not damaged.

the initial picking of the 2 bumps were subconscious. it was after some time that i realised i was picking on bumps that i had left alone for few days. that's when i had already sunk in too deep. thus i just decided to get on picking with tools. i believe that if i was more aware, i would be able to control myself from picking because bumps that have formed due to the vitamin e have been untouched [except for those 2], and are disappearing on their own.

though i'm not sure if the vitamin e has reduced the visibillity of the scars , i'm just doing whatver i can to help with the scar-healing. and so, i do not know if i should continue to apply the vitamin e.

[Nelly]

Shihui,

I've tried applying Vitamin E (from a capsule) on my face, but found that I wasn't getting any real benefit out of it and if anything, my skin seemed to be getting oilier from it. I think it's more benefitial to take the Vitamin E orally. If you can find Neosporin, Polysporin or some other antibiotic skin lesion ointment, I think that might work better (I know it's working better for me).

Nelly

[shihui]

thankf for the tip, nelly. guess i'll stop applying it on my face. it's causing more breakouts.

i feeling really sad right now. there's a dinner later..with my relatives. my face is in a very bad state and i don't want to go. i don't think my parents would believe that i'm sick. no matter what, i'm still not going. it's torturous to be self-conscious for the 3 hours that i have to spend with my relatives. it's even worse to have to face my so very pretty cousins and endure stupid comments about my face from my relatives.

and, there'll be another visit to my relative's house on 10th feb. 2 days from now. i guess i'll have to insist that im not feeling well for later tonight and 2 days later. if i had to feign sickness only once, it wouldn't be that bad. but now it's twice. and furthermore i have to feign sickness for like 3 days? i can't be sick today and not be sick tmr and be sick again the day after. it would be too much of a coincidence. and for an illness to drag for 3 days, it's got to be much more serious than a stupid headache [which is the excuse i was intending to give].

argh!! great. it's an hour before i have to leave for that dinner. okay. i'm gonna say i got a headache. as for the excuse 2 days later, i don't know. but i bet my parents won't believe that my headache is that serious or anything. they'd probably let me go this time, with a "are you sure you're not going?!", but i doubt i can get away with it 2 days later. life totally sucks.

[sioned]

Shihui,

I really wish there was something I could think of to help you out of your dilemma. I know there is nothing worse than feeling so self-conscious in a situation like that, and at least most of the time I can count on the people I'm with to not say anything. I'm in college at the moment and hiding out in the library during coffee break as I can't face anyone today either. Could you feign really bad period pains? It might be too late for that tonight but would it work for the next time you have to go. I genuinely have one day each month when I'm in agony with stomach cramps and back pain, no matter how many pain killers I take, but it would be easy to pretend (unless your mum knows when your period's due, in which case it might not work).
If you have to go out this evening, I know this is easier said than done, but try not to let it get to you. You can sit there and say yourself over and over - nobody here is any better than me, I have as much worth as everyone else here, I am beautiful as well (which I believe you are, from what you say, it sounds like its just your skin that causes a problem - so keep telling yourself its only skin - the things that are important are your smile, and your shining eyes and all the other ways your personality shows through. If you appear more confident in yourself, then people will be less likely to think you have a problem and less likely to comment (at least, that's generally how it works here).
I know what I am saying is soooo difficult to do, and nine times out of ten I would rather avoid the event than have to go at all, but when there is something I really can't get out of, I just try to forget my face for the time and be as confident as I can in every other way - I'm sure it makes a difference to other peoples perceptions.
I'm not sure if any of what I've just said makes much sense, but I am really thinking of you Shihui and hoping that either way the evening won't be as bad as you think it will. Take care,

Sioned xx

btw, thanks for answering all those questions I asked you the other day (sorry I asked so many) - will reply a bit more later, but will post this now so hopefully you get it while you're still online.

[hoppe as guest]

shihui,

I feel so sorry for what you have to go through. I have not had many family events during the recent years, mainly because my family is spread out over multiple countries, but the few times I had to face them, it felt horrible. And I remember one time, where I got comments about my face from a younger cousin, it really really hurt. You know, sioned is right, most people here do not say anything because they are way to polite, but children don't know better and they will say whatever they think.

I wish I could help you out. I know I said earlier that I often regreted not going to an event, and while that really is true, I know how much it hurts and I know how much you do not want to go. I hope you managed to convince your parents to let you stay home.

I am thinking about you. *Hug*

hoppe

[shihui as guest]

i decided to go for the dinner last night anyway. it wasn't that bad ;D what made me change my mind was some points that came into my mind after my last post. the dinner would be late at night and so the darkness will not make the damage on my face that obvious. also, i've been to that restaurant before and i know it has lighting that's more of yellow than those irritating white fluorescent lightings. another thing is that i knew that around 13 people were going to turn up. so i deduced that we would be sitting at a really large table [and we did], so they wouldn't be able to see my face that clearly.

yup. so i thought that it would be smarter to go yesterday and not go tomorrow. at least for tomorrow, i can give a sensible excuse.

i'm really thankful for your replies, sioned and hoppe.

sioned-
feigning period pains can actually work. but the problem is that i wouldn't want to do that in front of my father and brother. especially in front of my utterly disgusting brother. sigh..this makes me think of the past where he used to "accidentally" knock into me just to feel my breasts. ARGH. on mentioning this, i wish he would just die.

and the part about me being beautiful...well, i truly don't know. at times i feel that it's only the damage on my face that makes me look so bad. but at times i feel that i'm really so ugly and even if i had no damage on my face, i would look just as bad. oh yes, and i think it's true to a certain extent that when you appear more confident, people usually give your looks a miss. but i guess it's hard for me to be confident..i have really low self-esteem.

and futhermore, i think that people will still comment even if i appear to be confident, because they will know that the damage is done because i pick. it's not like i'm born ugly and the face i have is just part of me. they will know, that the damage wouldn't be there if i don't pick, because it isn't sth that was supposed to be part of me. and they will just think i pick because i'm vain, and not know it's a disorder.

hoppe-
i would be really glad if my relatives are as polite as yours. i guess people here are just really rude and blunt. so i think you can figure out if a child here would to comment when adults themselves already do. sigh!

to both of you, i'm so glad you understood my situation and empathised with me. i really hope to hear from you again soon!

[sioned]

Hi Shihui,

I'm so glad that last night turned out to not be so bad after all. You know, one day when we all manage to stop our picking, we can celebrate the fact that we will look forward to going out and being with our friends and families, instead of always looking for excuses to avoid them. This is my dream......

Well, at the moment to be honest I'm feeling pretty down and fed-up, and tired of all this - I hate picking! and I hate the way it makes me hate myself. At the moment I feel as though its pissing off the people around me too - aaagghh!
Anyway, I'm going to start my own diary now (I said I'd do it last saturday but I never got a chance - so, better late than never!)

I really hope you manage to think of an excuse to get out of seeing your family tomorrow. Take care

Sioned xx