shihui's journal--please support me!

[shihui as guest]

thanks for your reply, sioned. hope you're feeling better right now..i feel frustrated that this disorder is affecting my life way too much too.

managed to escape from the dreaded visit to my relatives' house. i actually cried in front of my father. didn't say anything...and he didn't know what was the problem either.

got really angry at my brother yesterday...punched the wall a few times and now i have really bruised knuckles. i think abusing myself is the only way to relieve myself. i think i deal with anger by punching walls and stress/anxiety by picking. i realise that i pick when i do my school work...it's like i have to pick in order to think of the answers to the questions there...sometimes when i'm posting replies on this board, i pick too..it seems like thinking of what to say when the words don't come out easy makes raises my anxiety level. i wonder why! i mean, it's just so absurd...

feeling pretty down now...as for what i've been picking on for the past few days:

-3 bumps on my left cheek. they're just beside each other. easier for me to move on to the next when i'm done picking on one. sigh..they look pretty swollen up

-one on my right cheek. doesn't look that bad i guess..

-excess skin on lower left cheek. not much damage either because it's just excess skin. but previous picking has left a nice dark brown spot there.

-two bumps on my chin. one of which had been picked on a lot of times previously. the other is a new bump. looks like i'm going to have more picking sessions with that new bump.

-couple of my forehead and nose. i don't really care about those since the skin there is generally thicker. no scars will be left..and the skin heals fast.

-one on my upper lip. another new one that i've been picking on. so i guess like the one on my chin, i'll have more picking sessions with this one too. also, the damage seems pretty obvious...

i guess that's quite a lot of picking done over the past few days. it's like every single part of my face have been picked. my cheeks, my chin, my forehead, my upper lip, my nose. sigh! i rarely see people who post here cover all areas of the face in just a few days, while i do that so very often.

[Nelly]

Shihui,

I'm sorry you're feeling down. Just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one that picks her whole face on a regular basis; the rest of us probably just aren't very specific about it. Pretty much every time I have a thorough picking session (which is once every couple of days on the average), I spend 1-2 hours on it and obviously I cover every square cm of my face. I don't always create deep wounds everywhere I pick, but usually when I'm done my entire face is covered in red blotches. Yuck. That's where the antibiotic cream (polysporin) comes in and helps reduce a lot of the redness overnight.
I hope you're feeling better. BTW, when you're angry maybe you can punch a pillow instead of the wall.. That way you won't hurt yourself as much, unless the pain is part of your anger release, which I hope isn't the case.

Nelly

[sioned]

Hi Shihui,

glad to see you got out of visiting your relatives, but sorry to hear you felt so angry you punched the wall. My brother used to wind me up so much when I was exactly your age (fortunately we get on great now but while we were in school he drove me nuts.) He used to make me so mad that I would pull my hair really hard and bite myself just so I wouldn't hit him or break something in my anger, and once I scratched my face so badly I had to make up excuses for what happened to it. This really isn't a healthy way to deal with anger and I'm really sorry to think that you are going through the same thing I used to.
Maybe you could try punching a pillow instead like Nelly suggested or just do something that makes you totally exhausted so you don't have the energy to hurt yourself. One thing I find sometimes works is running on the spot as fast and as hard as I can until I literally can't go any more and although I might still feel angry it takes away that initial need to act out and maybe hurt yourself (ok, so I probably look pretty silly doing that and when I was still living at home my mum would shout up to me that she thought the ceiling was going to cave in on her - but if you can do it, its worth a try!)

I also pick my whole face all the time too! Right now I have two big holes in my chin, one at the top of my nose between my eyebrows and one on my cheek. I also have several smaller scabs and blotches on my nose, cheeks and forehead! so don't worry, you're not the only one who messes up their whole face!

I hope you have a better day tomorrow - take care of those knuckles..

Sioned xx

[hoppe]

Hi Shihui

Just a quick hello. Hope you are having a good day!!

*Hug*

hoppe

[shihui]

hi nelly, sioned and hoppe! thanks for all your posts. you guys made my day! i guess i'll try punching pillows instead. i hope it works. my knuckles even hurt to punch soft fluffy pillows dammit. but i like the feeling of rubbing my bruises. okay..i wonder what's wrong with me. haha..that not-so-intense pain feels quite comfortable. oh yes, it really looks silly to run on the spot very fast, sioned..hahah..but i thought that it's a good way of venting your frustrations [just tried that a moment ago ;D]

picking for today:
-the 2 same bumps on my left cheek. no damage though

-1 healing skin on right cheek. not much damage, but still...

-1 spot of excess skin on nose. i was doing minor self-exfoliation. that's not even near serious picking. so,

-that 1 bump on upper lip. didn't do much picking on it...but previous pickings show much damage.

school was qwertyboringuiop!! but all that posting on other ppl's journals have made me so hyper-active! so generally i'm feeling good

hope it's the same for you guys too!

[shihui]

have picked quite a little more..

-one scab on the chin..not much damage done..but a sad smiley for this case because i've been trying so hard to resist picking the scab...and in the end i gave in

-one scab on right side of face..still bleeding right now

the worst thing is that i have an emerging bump on my upper lip. damn..another one. i hope i'll leave it alone and not make it my new picking spot... have been touching it a lot after i realised that it's gonna emerge really soon and i think i actually made it bigger and redder. hope it will go away and not form a new whitehead or sth..though i don't think that'll be the case.

[hoppe as guest]

Hi shihui

I am at work, but I just checked the board and saw your post. I am really sorry about your picking. I wish I could help you in some way... . I really think you can stop picking. I have had some pretty good days, and if I can do it, everybody can.

I am wondering if it would help you to have a ZT partner?

Hope you are done for today (with picking). Wishing you a nice evening/night (it is late at your place, isn't it?)

take care,
hoppe

[hoppe as guest]

Hi shihui

Have not heard from you in a while. Are you okay?

hoppe

[sioned]

Hi Shihui,

I just posted for the first time in about 5 days and I noticed you haven't posted for a while either - hope everything is ok and you're doing well. I've got tonnes of college work to do - maybe you have too. Well, don't work too hard....
hopefully hear from you soon

Sioned xx

[shihui as guest]

thanks hoppe and sioned for your replies. hoppe, actually i do have a partner. she's dreamer. but so far we've only talked online once! guess it's due to the time difference...when i come home from sch, it's already evening. and it would be past midnight there. sioned, yes...i have been busy for the week. i have had 4 tests this week and there's a lot of homework to keep me occupied this weekend. couple more tests coming up next week.

things are still the same i guess......no major picks, but no one day without any picking...my discolourations are the ones that make me depressed. i read lauryn's replies in my threads about tanning. i realise what a big mistake i made to actually go tanning. now it's like my scars will be there forever and will never fade...

part of me is still holding onto that little hope of having clear skin by june. the other part of me knows that my scars will be there forever. i read the entry i wrote on jan 31st, in which i stated i have like 30-40 small brown spots on each side of my face. i just counted. no reduction in that. in fact i counted all the way to 53 on the right of my face. didnt count those on the left because i knew that it wouldnt be anythiing better.

oh yes. i received the package from nelly already. the point is not really about the present but actually the thought! it's just so heartwarming. heh..my scars dont seem like they'll ever face...so i feel really guilty that she spent her money and time to ship the treatment over. it's called scar zone btw. but anyway, thanks nelly

sigh..feeling confused and hopeless about my face right now. it's at pts of time like this when i feel like giving up. i try to stop picking because i want to have clear skin and not be self-conscious anymore. but now it's like my scars are permanent and there's no aim for me to stop picking. if i continue to pick, i know things will just be worse and my face will be in a greater mess. but even if i stop, it's not like things will get better. i might as well stop going against myself and give in to my temptations. whether i stop picking or not, im not gonna benefit much. i'll still be self-conscious for both cases.

[Nelly]

Shihui,

I'm glad you received that scar treatment, but I'm sorry that you don't find it very helpful.. Are you sure you've used it long enough to be able to tell, though?

I'm sorry you're feeling hopeless. I wish there was something I could do to help you.. Is there anything you can do to relax your body and your mind? Like taking a bath or making a nice cup of tea?

Have you considered trying Ken's exercises? I'm still not really sure how they work on a subconscious level, but I know that after I did them for four days in a row I started feeling a lot more positive and peaceful. I haven't done the exercises for over a week and I'm still feeling good. Maybe you could give them a shot?

Wishing you lots of strength and peace,

Nelly

[novabee]

Hi Honey!!

Don't worry--I'm 21 and still going through the same things you are. Don't think that any medicines will automatically help--you must come at peace with yourself first....Also--I've had complete strangers comment on my face before too!! At this point in my life tho, I just hold my head up high and not care what others have to say---If someone can't like me for who I am, they aren't the kind of people I want to be around anyway...Don't worry though, I promise you that things will get better--it may feel like a rollercoster sometimes, but I know that everything will be OK.

[shihui as guest]

thanks for your replies, nelly and lindsey. i didn't really mean to say that the scar treatment isn't working. i've only used it for a couple of days so i guess it's not possible to see any results yet. what i meant was that my scars are so old and so deep that i doubt any scar treatment will help. unless i use sth really potent or i go for some operation, these scars will probably be permanent. nelly, i've tried ken's exercise before. i did it for like only 2 days then i stopped. i want to get back to doing it but i'm just such a procrastinator.

sunday noon here. have picked on:

-2 fresh new bumps. one below my right nostril and the other just above my right cheek. i think they'll become new picking spots. so that's a sad smiley for the 2 bumps.

-bumps on the left side of my face. around 5-8 of them there. small but concentrated on an area. been picking on them a lot. they'll just form discolourations even when i stop picking on them.

as for what i've been picking on for the past few days besides those listed above:

-bumps on my chin. around 2 to 3 of them there. just cant seem to leave them alone. hope i can as of today.

sigh..tomorrow will be a new week. 5 days of school. 5 days waking up and going to sleep, dreading to see ppl around the school.

hope everyone else is doing fine. love you guys.

[sioned]

Hi Shihui,

I'm sorry you're dreading the week in school so much - I really sympathise as I know exactly how you feel. As I wrote in my diary, for the first time in goodness knows how long I actually don't feel like I need to hide from everyone today but I am so scared of how easy it is for everything to go wrong again. I will really pray for you that soon you'll not be feeling so bad about going to school. I really hope this week won't be as bad as you think. Take care

Sioned xx

[shihui as guest]

thanks for your kind words, sioned.

basically, i did quite a lot of picking. sigh..

-1 scab just above my right cheek. mentioned it as a bump in my previous entry. not much damage, but i think another scab is going to form again.

-1 scab below right nostril. mentioned it as a bump in my previous entry too. no damage. doubt i'll pick on it again anyway.

-bumps on left side of face. have been picking on them for quite some time. i mentioned them in my last entry too. most of the bumps have gone away. but there are 4 left that ive been picking on. however 1 of them is further away then the other 3. so i leave it alone most of the time. those 3 are my main picking focus now. and they form an obvious triangle i tell you!

-1 newly formed bump on my chin. sucks when my chin is already in quite a mess. no damage, but i think hard skin will be forming on it and i will most likely peel that off and start the whole cycle.

-1 bump on left cheek. not much damage though...

i pray that i'll leave the last scab on my face alone. it's on my chin. and i hope that no scabs will form. though i pick on healing skin too, i think it is easier to resist picking on healing skin than on scabs. gahhhh! i just hope i'll leave all of them to heal. and hopefully they heal FAST!

this is a busy week again. i've got a chemistry test tomorrow. haven't started preparing for it though i was supposed to do so an hour ago. guess i'll go now.