shihui's journal--please support me!

[hoppe]

Shihui - I am here. Sweetie, I am so sorry. Maybe you feel like chatting? You know where the chat room is?

Big hug!

hoppe

[Nelly]

shihui,

I'm very sorry that you have picked so badly. I know that you are feeling pretty bad right now, but I really hope that the redness will diminish soon so you can feel positive again.

Nelly

[shihui]

thanks for your replies...hoppe, sorry that i didn't get to see you online...

things are still as bad. have been picking on those already red spots since my last post. i cant remember when my last post was...i think it's only 3 days back..but going through each day seems like going through a week.

sigh....feeling very sad. have only been picking the left side of my face...that whole area's red..and brown...this kidn og skin does not look like it should belong to any human...a monster perhaps...

saw some schoolmate staring at my face when we had a little conversation.

i'm not putting in any effort to resist picking at all..for the past few days, have just been giving in to picking easily without much thought. i look into the mirror after that and weep over the damage, but i still don't stop picking. i'm so tired....

i'll be starting my tuition lessons again tmr...i so look forward to meeting new ppl and let them see my ugly face.

[amylou]

i am very sorry that you are doing so bad..i know i hate it when people stare..i truly wish you strength and healing hang in there

[ameise as guest]

Hi Shihui -

I want to send you my best wishes, too. I understand how easy it is to lose the motivation to stop picking when your skin still has discolorations... but remember that you have had better times -- try to summon up some energy to take care of yourself, and relax & remember that you are a smart, wonderful, & insightful person. Skin isn't everything, but I know yours will look better in time.

Ameise

[hoppe]

Shihui - I am so sorry. I wish I could make things better for you in some way. It is sad that we live so far away from eachother.

You are in my thoughts.

hoppe

[shihui]

well, things are still not turning for the better. just picked pretty badly...but i hope the redness becomes less obvious by tmr. sigh...still stuck in the cycle.

i guess it may be due to the stress im facing now. school examinations are coming up. life is currently so terrible...i get less than 5 hours of sleep a day.

picking makes everything worse because i get upset over it, and i'm also wasting my time when i pick. i always pick when i do my work, and doing this only makes me work slower. guess that's why i have to sacrifice so much of my sleep time. if i don't pick when i do my work, i think i can finish everything shorter by a few hrs as compared to how i'm managing now.

i'm still picking at this point of time...argh...

[hoppe]

Shihui

I am sorry. I understand these are stressful times for all of us - examinations and lots of other things. I have two coming up myself.

Every time I read your posts, they somehow break my heart a little. I wish so badly I could help you. Is there anything I can do for you?

hoppe

[Angelfish]

Hi Shihui,

Sorry you are going through such a difficult time now. Your posts break my heart too. I am glad you found this site. Best of luck. I hope you are able to find help and support here and in your life. I am here for you.

Sincerely Nicole

[shihui]

hoppe and nicole, thanks for your posts.

hoppe, i don't really know what you can do for me. just be here i guess
nicole, welcome to the board!

i'm sorry that i'm breaking your hearts by my posts...but i'm so glad that i have you guys by my side.

things are still bad; they never get better. just took a look after my major pick...i refused to accept that what i saw in the mirror was really me. i do that everything anyway...nothing new. i do hope my face doesn't look that bad......sigh....

i guess this will just go on and on...i want to see a doctor, but i don't know how to go abt it. i'm not brave enough to make appointments and whatsoever. i told my mother to set an appointment with a doctor. she doesn't seem to be doing anything abt it. i'm irritated.

i know this is none of her business. i think i'm just trying to get someone to push the blame to. i'm tired of bearing all the responsibility. i'm tired of knowing that ultimately, i'm the one in control. but because i lose control everytime, i suffer when i look into the mirror. everything is just me me me. the temptation comes from me, the abuse comes from me, the consequence is on me, the pain is in me. i just want to scream at someone that it is their fault that i'm in this shit.

examinations are coming in less than 2 weeks' time. i'm stressed by that, and even more stressed by the fact that i can complete much more work in a day if i don't pick. seriously, a lot more work could have been completed over the past few days since i've started revision...examinations for all 9 subjects, testing on this year's and last year's work. it's hard enough to complete revision without such an obsession...

furthermore, i don't have much time to sleep. currently i sleep an average of only 4 hours a day. it's only during the weekends when i get to really go to sleep. being tired during the day just makes me pick more.

[Angelfish]

Shilhui,
After I posted on your journal, I thought of some ideas that helped me when I was in school and under a lot of stress.
1. Wear gloves when you are studying-- it's cumbersome but it beats picking
2. Get gel nails -- this makes it more difficult to pick.
3. Remove all mirrors from where you study -- so you can't see your face. Get rid of any magnifying mirrors. They're evil!
4. Study in a public place -- like a cafe.
5. Study with friends.
6. Monitor your picking so that you know what your triggers are. Try to eliminate what triggers the picking.
7. Don't painc or beat yourself up-- it only makes it worse.
8. Take out the lights in the bathroom so you don't pick in the bathroom.
9. Get rid of any tools you may use, like pins and tweezers.
10. Be your own advocate -- make a doctor's appointment. Keep after the doctor. If you have to, sit in the doctor's office until he or she will see you. I wish I had when I was in school.
Skin picking is important because it is causing you pain and interfering with your life. Make the doctor see that. Make your parents see that. If you can't get an appointment right away, try to notice what situations make you pick and avoid them.
When you monitor, write down the time of day you picked, the duration of the picking, your thoughts before you picked, your emotions and where you were. These are all examples of triggers.
These suggestions are of a few things to try until help arrives. Good luck!

[amy lou]

how sweet of you angel fish! i am sorry shihui! but try to go to the doctor..they don't judge..they are there to help..they want to see you suceed and help you get better

[hoppe]

Shihui

"...the temptation comes from me, the abuse comes from me, the consequence is on me, the pain is in me....".... - again and again do you manage to express things so well, so clear. I could be my words, yet I feel I never manage to express so much with a single sentence as you can do it.

Shihui, you are often in my thoughts. One day your suffering will be over. I can feel it deep down. I wish I could make it better already now, but I cannot. But I will be here, in case you need someone to talk to.

A smile for a kind and sensitive soul:

hoppe

[hoppe]

Shihui, how are you?

hoppe

[shihui]

hello everyone. thank you angelfish, for all your ideas. i've started going to the library to study. it does help control my picking, but i still pick. even in public places. but i'm certainly much more controlled there. but still, there'll still be points of time when i stay at home without anything to control me. and congrats to you too for having a boyfriend and for being determined to break the habit.

amy lou, i will go to the doctor after my examinations are over. well...i hope i do...anyway, congratulations!! i read about your upcoming marriage. work towards that significant day of your life to control picking!

hoppe, you're such a wonderful friend i'm still doing badly unfortunately. i've read your journal and i can see that you're going through a seriously bad time. i hope those ppl would just be more responsible...but don't give up hoppe. continue trying to find professional help. i wish that things would get better for you soon...esp with the terrible fever and tooth.

i'm in the midst of my examinations. things suck. i'm so stressed up and i'm running out of time to study. i need to leave soon to go to the library to study. probably from 1pm to 9pm. i have 4 days to complete my revison for 7 papers.

my face isn't turning better still. still picking, even in the library as mentioned above. but i know ppl will stare if i just indulge in my obsession. i'm having rash on the right side of my face. ugh. it's itchy and the bumps are with my pimples. a whole mess that irritates me.

it's so hurting to see ppl look at your face and not your eyes when you talk to them. they think you don't notice. all i can think off when ppl do that is "what are they thinking abt my face? are they disgusted?"

i'm pretty sure they are. it's not about looking ugly alone...it's about looking disgusting.

the weather's not helping. it's so hot and humid outside. that makes everyone edgy. double tension for me. i feel like exploding.

hope all of you are doing well. a hug going out to all of you, especially dearest hoppe. nelly, if you get to read this, i'm here to wish you good luck for your mini-plan! i'm sorry i don't have the time to leave individual notes in your journals. i hope all of you got to read my message.

okay, i have to go get my face washed and leave for the library. i hope today will be a productive day.