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Post by amylou on Feb 28, 2005 11:12:55 GMT -5
just keep trying..at least you made it a day..i know i can't say that  |
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Post by hoppe on Feb 28, 2005 12:15:35 GMT -5
Hi Shihui I am sorry you did not manage another day of ZT. But you can do it again. Don't tell yourself - now that you picked today it does not matter anyway and you can go after it all - I often do that mistake. But ZT does not have to be counted in days. Count it in hours. Start the next HOUR of ZT right now and be proud when you managed it!!! Wishing you hope and strength!  hoppe |
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Nelly
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Post by Nelly on Feb 28, 2005 12:19:25 GMT -5
shihui,
Wow, that's really amazing that you did a whole day of ZT! Try not to be so hard on yourself for not making it through the second day. And instead of thinking that you can break the ZT cycle any time, try thinking about how you're progressively increasing the amount of ZT time. It's not the occasional failures that matter, but the progress you're making in between and specifically the realization that if you can do ZT for one day, then maybe next time you can do it for 2 days in a row, and then 3 days and so on.. I'm very proud of you. Keep it up!
Nelly
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Post by ameise as guest on Mar 1, 2005 0:53:03 GMT -5
Hi Shihui-
thank you very much for your post in my journal... things are going well for me now, but I still really appreciate the support... I know that hearing from others helps inspire me to avoid picking.
honestly, this board (and the feeling of connection to others in the same boat) has helped me more than going to a therapist... I hope I can be helpful to you, too
Congratulations on your day of ZT. That is wonderful.
I also have to agree with nelly & hoppe that you should not be hard on yourself for not managing day 2. I think that is one of the most entrapping things about the pick-cycle... once I have messed up my skin/ broken my resolve, I often feel like I might as well keep going, and that all is lost. I also think that getting away from that mindset is very helpful in breaking the cycle. You don't have to be "perfect" in not picking... just try for as many ZT hours or days as you can, and gradually I think the ZT times will outnumber the picking times... until the picking is hopefully gone (we all hope for that).
I would recommend locking up or giving someone else that pocket mirror... I got rid of a hand mirror several months ago and I have been very glad that I did.
good luck,
ameise
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Post by shihui as guest on Mar 2, 2005 5:50:09 GMT -5
hey, thanks for ALL your replies! amylou--i think you have had completed a few days of ZT before. guess it was because of your breakouts that caused you to keep sinking into the cycle again. but i can see that completing a few days of ZT isn't totally impossible for you! hoppe--i read in your journal abt the deal. i really don't know if i would be better off without my pocket mirror, because i feel that at times i cause more damage without a mirror than with one, because i cannot see what i am picking. i dont know how true that is...maybe it's all part of my self-denial so that i won't have to give my pocket mirror up. maybe you guys can give me some ideas as to whether i am lying to myself or not? nelly--your idea is great! i guess i was being to hard on myself. but i think if i would to count by hours, my day will feel very long. so i guess i'll count by every 4-5 hrs. thanks nelly! ameise--thanks for your encouragement! yea..this board is also very important to me. without all of you people, i'm sure i would not have made any improvements since the day i started picking. as for the pocket mirror...i've talked about it in my msg for hoppe. i don't know if it is better to give my mirror up or not. i'm afraid the damage made without my mirror will be more serious than if i pick w/o it...esp when the desire to pick gets really strong.. okay...so i mentioned in the msg for nelly about breaking my day up. for weekdays, i wake up at 6am for school. so my day shall start from there. this is my new day-organisation: ZT1 : 6am-10am ZT2: 10am-2pm ZT3: 2pm-7pm ZT4: 7pm-12am as for today... ZT1: managed! i rarely pick in the mornings ZT2: didn't manage... -2 bumps on left side of my face. i've been picking them for 1-2 wks already.  -2 bumps on chin. i've been picking them for as long as i can remember. ZT3: didn't manage... -small clogged up bump on lower right side of face. was caused by a darn mosquito bite. don't pick on it that often...but still frequent enough to keep it there for 1-2 wks. 
-some excess skin here and there. not much damage.
ZT4: no idea. it's only 6:40pm here. maybe i'll come back to update later on abt it..maybe not.
i'm feeling very bad about my skin right now...the scars upset me so much...everytime i go into my school toilet where the lights are bright, white, fluorescent lights, i get really demoralised. these lights are the most wicked, but they are also the ones that show you reality.
the worst thing is that i feel that they'll never be gone because i've damaged them further by sun-tanning. my tan has faded away since quite some time ago...and i realised that some faded old scars that had almost gone away, suddenly appeared after i started to go sun-tanning, and have not faded since then. whereas for those new scars caused by spots that i had started picking only AFTER i stopped going for sun-tanning, they are fading away... |
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Post by ameise on Mar 2, 2005 15:45:35 GMT -5
Hi shihui-
I just wanted to suggest that maybe what we see in the white-wicked florescent lights isn't "reality." Afterall, if we all lived before the advent of flourescent lighting, we would never see that perspective... so, in a way, it wouldn't exist.
I know I sound like I'm talking about the Tree falling & the forest & Does it make a sound... but for me it was helpful to realize that those un-flattering mirrors are not the truth... they are just one view, and it can be a view limited to maybe 5% of our time or less if we can spend time in non-bad-light places.
a girlfriend of mine (non-CSP, but she does have self-consiousness about her skin, break-outs etc) once told me that she got ready to go out in the unflattering glaring bathroom light, because she thought "if I'm satisfied with the way I look in there, I'll know I only look acceptable everywhere else."
I, however, have decided that I don't need or want that view of myself... it only makes me feel bad about myself, which probably strips away some of the natural sparkle in my eyes, the beauty that comes with feeling good & confident...
(obviously, I am advocate for Good Lighting & its importance)
good luck today, shihui
amiese
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Post by Dreamer on Mar 3, 2005 2:38:38 GMT -5
Dear Shihui,
I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in a long while. I hope you are doing better. I'll try to be better about actually posting on here.
Good luck,
Dreamer
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Post by shihui as guest on Mar 5, 2005 10:13:28 GMT -5
thanks for your replies...
this will be a short post...not in a great mood right now. every time i look into the mirror, all i feel is disappointment. all i think to myself everytime i look t myself in the morning is that nothing since the day before had changed. the damage would never go away. not even the slightest bit. i can't be bothered to keep track with my progress because i've made none. i've been picking a lot..even on small harmless bumps. i don't have any motivation to stop this obsession...i got so mad at the damage that i started hitting my face. if only a miracle would happen...but i know none will...
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Post by amylou on Mar 5, 2005 23:41:59 GMT -5
don't give up..or be so negative! Your doing great...Just keep trying..eventually u'll get there! we love u! hope, love and stregth to you! Your beautiful! |
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Post by ameise as guest on Mar 6, 2005 19:20:54 GMT -5
shihui -
please try to remember that what matters most is trying... and reading your journal shows that you are trying.
you sound so upset with yourself - I wish I could help. I also wish you could get your mother or another family member to try to understand... maybe they could help you, or support you, or help you to go see a counselor (I do)... it just sounds like you are really being hard o yourself and having someone in person to talk to or to give you a hug would help... but if not, you do have our support here on the board
please don't feel so bad, I know progress feels slow or non-existent, but you're so young -- you have years and years for the scars to fade, etc...
I don't know quite what to say, shihui.
just know you are beautiful... your thoughts in your journal are, and outside, too, remember that others have called you cute, etc... it is just that we are so self-critical.
please take care of yourself
ameise
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Post by shihui on Mar 7, 2005 3:25:47 GMT -5
thanks for your encouragements, amylou and ameise! ameise, i have told my mother about this problem before, but so far she hasn't really shown support. but she is helping me by not mentioning abt my face that often, though i know that if i ever have a really bad face pick one day [hopefully never], she will mention about it. i'm feeling so much better now. i managed a full day of ZT yesterday! it wasnt really ZT..picked a littleee bit. but i guess if i don't count it as a ZT day, i'll not feel rewarded. but today i picked. not too much though. i tried sooo hard to resist, but i still gave in. hmm..if i manage to control my urge for the rest of the day [it's 4pm here right now], i'll call it a ZT day as well, despite the minor pickings. what gave me the motivation to not pick was actually a friend's friend of mine...he's lying in hospital right now, struggling for his life. he's got a blood clot in his brains and he's now in coma. he has gone through quite a few operations. the first operation only had a chance of survival of 20-30%, yet he survived it. his heartbeat had stopped many times before, but he managed to be revived. until once, his heart stopped and he was too tired to struggle anymore. the doctors thought his brain was dead. he was put on life support and there was a plan to have another operation, as a last chance to revive him. however just on saturday, the doctors realised that he was STILL fighting very hard and his brain wasn't dead! his heart began to pump normally and his blood pressure went back to norm. however oxygen level in his brain is still low. he has fought so hard and has come so far. he's only 19 and is a successful young man who has earned the respect of his friends. this is only a summary of what had happened over the past week. if you would like to know the details, you can go to www.lioneltock.blogspot.com this website is created by his friends to show their love for him and to show his own strength in fighting this battle. also, if you would like to know more about him, you can search through friendster. his name is blenheim. type that in the user search and you'll be able to find his profile. it was him that made me realise that a person's determination can be so strong that he can overcome all obstacles. though he's still in coma right now, i have strong faith in him that he'll wake up some day. i told myself that i'll be such a disappointment if i cannot overcome an obsession, when someone out there i know indirectly can overcome such ordeals. |
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Post by Dreamer on Mar 10, 2005 2:33:32 GMT -5
Dear Shihui,
I'm so sorry. I have been the worst ZT partner ever. I will try to actually get my act together and start posting again. That story about your friend's friend is so touching. Good luck with ZT!!!
dreamer
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Post by shihui on Mar 10, 2005 3:46:14 GMT -5
hey dreamer! i wonder if you've seen my private msg for you. i was thinking that if you feel uneasy about posting here or you just don't have the habit, we can always communicate through private messaging! i hope that'll work out. i'm not feeling good now...i'm breaking out and my right cheek has quite a number of pimples. probably ard 4? and the most irritating part is that it's causing my whole right cheek to redden. that highlights my scars and all my other imperfections. i don't know why this is happening. maybe it's because i've been touching them and thus causing the reddening. but i don't think i touch on them that often to actually have such a reaction. i got so angry with my face i started doing all kinds of weird things just now. hitting mirrors, hitting walls, pinching myself, trying to force myself to cry. i would have felt so much better if i poured everything out...but i just couldn't cry. i teared, but it was not to the extent that everything is released. i'm feeling much calmer now...but still in a bad mood. i have been doing quite well for the past few days...i have been picking still, but quite little. i just don't get why my skin still looks so bad!!!! it's like everytime i read posts on others' threads about their achievements over picking, they'll comment on how much better their skin is looking than before. it would only be normal if that's the case. but why is that not so for me?! i just don't get rewarded for doing well. arghhhhhhhhhhh how on earth am i going to get my motivation to stop this damned obsession if i don't even see the benefits of stopping it? man.... i hope i don't sound offensive in what i typed above...sorry if i do! i'm just sooooo frustrated over this! okay..i feel better already...thanks if you're reading this. next week i'll be having my sch holidays. not like i'll get to rest much. though i won't have to attend sch for one week, i have so many other activities on. out of 7 days, i have 5 days of cocurricular activities. 3 of the days i'll be having full-day courses for my cocurricular activity. and dearest teachers have given us enough work for me to be occupied during the remaining weekend of the week. what a time for me to relax |
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Nelly
Full Member
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Post by Nelly on Mar 10, 2005 9:31:06 GMT -5
shihui,
I'm sorry that you've been feeling frustrated. Maybe the composition of your skin is such that it takes it longer to heal than some other people's skin. Maybe your skin is extra sensitive? Well, I imagine things will get better; they have to. Just try not to cause too much new damage... And if in a few years your scars are still there, perhaps you could look into some surgical solution. There's always a way out. Just remember that your skin isn't everything and that it's your personality that shines through and really matters. I know that's hard to see when your face is a mess, but don't give up hope.. life has a way of working itself out.
Nelly
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Post by amylou on Mar 10, 2005 14:40:11 GMT -5
I hope your doing better! Don't get so down. Do you work out at all. I started to work out and I have been feeling sooo much better. Just try to keep yourself busy so you don't pick..i find that the times i am bored i go in the bathroom and 20 min and a red painful face later i am not only bored but hating myself because i created this much pain. I hope you feel better. I wish you strength and hope! love ya!
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