ameise's occasional journal

[ameise]

Today I started posting in the 30-somethings thread & without planning on it, I wrote several long paragraphs on my history with picking -- apparently it's a topic that I might benefit from writing about.

I will paste the picking history that I wrote below.

As an update/ account, I have had a ZT day today, and DG yesterday... things feel good.

Picking history:

I first learned of the concept of squeezing clogged pores around age 11, I think -- my parents showed me on their own skin, on their noses -- one of them showed me & then the other showed me they could do it, too. I can't remember or imagine why it would have come up -- little did they know what they would start. Both of them were semi-pickers... it was not an obsession, they did not damage their skin, but they were familiar with the urge & practice of squeezing blackheads, etc.

I tried squeezing my own pores after seeing my parents get gunk out of their pores, but I did not actually start to pick my own skin regularly until I was about 14 or 15. (I also went through a phase of pulling my leg hairs... I kind of wish I'd stuck with hair pulling... I can tell it's the same purification/ detail focus impulse).

Around when I turned 30 I was shocked to realize I'd been picking about half my life.

It was, & still is, a little bit encouraging for me to remember, though, that I have gone through phases (twice for over 2 years) when picking was not an obsession -- and ranged between a managable problem to non-existent.

Nonetheless, since first becoming a picker in highschool, I have never lost my self-consciousness about how my face skin looks.

My picking was worst between ages 17 - 20, and I did more damage to my skin during that phase than I have since. I am glad that I have I learned to be a bit kinder to my skin. And if I have gone from truly damaging to less damaging, that encourages me that I can also move on to not damaging.

However, during my worst phase (ages 17 - 20), I would keep picking a things until I either dug something out or made such a mess of my skin that I couldn't see/ find what I was digging for -- creating deep wounds, and scars that remain.

There is one scar in particular that is the worst, and that particularly bothers me. I can still remember parts of the process of picking that wound. I remember that I picked off some healing scab-like things to try to make it smoother/ more coverable, and it seemed like that was a turning point where that wound suddenly got a lot more serious. I beleive it got infected after that. The scar that remains is right on my cheek & to me seems very noticeable.

Although I have some other smaller scars, it is that one big one that really bothers me. I think the others look like they could be from run-of-the-mill-acne. Of course, as a super skin-conscious person, I don't like those smaller scars, but I can accept them. However, I feel like it is the one big one that almost keeps me in a non-peaceful relationship with my skin -- I feel I will always be self conscious about it, and I also feel because it is there it draws attention to the fact that my skin is not perfect... and makes the other scars more noticable, etc....

My therapist would say it is my obsessive eyes that make that scar out to be so big.... but I think other pickers would understand and agree.

---I will write more another time -- my eyes are starting to hurt.

ameise

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

I like the name of your journal! It made me smile. I hope it is okay I put a few words in - I will keep it short.

I am sorry about the scar. I really feel your pain and understand you very well. I also have a few scars that make me miserable - they are not big and I still have hope time will make them look better - but none the less, they cause me grief and pain. And I cannot believe that because I messed up during a few seconds/minutes of my life, I will have to suffer for it forever. But I guess that is how life is... .

I was wondering - if that scar causes you so much pain and if it really is the thing that keeps you from developing a better relationship with your skin - might it be possible to try to fix it surgically? My knowledge in this area is very limited but you might know more.

Sending you a smile and hoping you are doing fine.

hoppe

[ameise as guest]

I am feeling good about recovery.... it has been 2 weeks since I last picked substantially. In between have been days of ZT & DG... I think most have been days of ZT ... and without the urge to pick, too.


Hoppe - thank you for writing in response to my last entry. thanks also for understanding.

After I logged off after writing about that worst scar of mine, I kind of thought that if a bunch of therapists/ psychologists read what I wrote, they would probably think that is was part of my mis-guided thinking to assign so much significance to one scar...

I could see that it could be part of the same tendency to assign a huge amount of self-consciousness to any wound I have created. that wound becomes the center of my world. So in a way, I could see that maybe I am doing something similar with the big scar....

But I am glad, hoppe, that your response was to think that maybe trying to fix the scar would be a possible way to alleviate things... because I have thought about that & even mentioned it to my therapist & she doesn't think it's crazy -- she thinks it could be part of a process of self forgiveness.

However, the process of looking into scar doctors seems overwhelming... I actually had a dermabrasion treatment when I was around 21 -- I don't think it was very helpful. So now if I wanted to try to fix this scar, I feel like I'd have to be thorough in looking into different possible procedures & different doctors... and while I could certainly do all that stuff if it was some other problem/ some other surgery I needed, the weight of this issue, the shamefulness of having to expose myself to multiple doctors -- it just seems very unappealling.

I think it would also best to wait until I am feeling little more solid in becoming non-compulsive about my skin.
I haven't created any major damage/ big permanent scars in many years.... but I discovered 2 weeks ago that the obsessive part of me is still within me- the part that can keep scanning for pores to squeeze, and find it satisfying & then feel panic & anxiety about the condition of my skin.

It seems possible that that part of me will never be completely gone. But I would like to go for longer than a few months without it surfacing...

I would like it if I could count on myself to break the cycle somewhere & to not have it grow into a big looming shadow... I mean, even if the part of me is always there that gets the urge to look for clogged pores, and even if there is part of me that would always be satisfyied by emptying them... I would like to count on myself to either stop myself from squeezing EVEN THOUGH it's satisfying.... Or, if I don't stop myself, to count on myself to accept that I went down a path that I know is not the healthy choice for me, but to not become totally obsessive about checking my skin, trying to fix the damage & cover it up ... to just accept my skin will now look damaged for several days, and those are the consequences, but certainly not the worst situation in the world....


Two weeks ago when I picked, I did not succeed in stopping myself. I pretty much kept squeezing things until there was nothing else with sqeezing/ emptying potential. But I was a bit gentler than I have been at times (though not gentle enough, if there was such a thing) But more importantly, I think I made some progress towards not staying in the skin-obsessed world for too long. I worried about the damage I had done quite a bit for a few days (because of a holiday event at my boyfriend's sister's house & then an old friend's visit) but overall, I think I let it go much easier & quicker than on many previous occasions.

Hoppe wrote something recently about how she felt less angry with herself for picking -- and that she used to thnk that would lead to more picking, if she didn't get angry at herself, but now she's thinking a forgiving attitude may be better.

That is what I am feeling, too. I think that letting it go quicker, not being too upset over "what have I done," helped me to leave the skin-obsessive world, making more picking less likely.

Good night & good luck, all

ameise

[ameise as guest]

Today is Jan 10th..

That means as of today it's been 18 days since my last picking session...

I have picked almost nothing in that time.

Since the 6th, the last time I posted, the only thing I have touched was a small whitehead on my nose... perhaps I could have left it there, but popping it did not make me feel obsessive, did not make me want to look for more, etc.


I have felt almost no urge to pick over these last weeks. It's actually hard for me to imagine having a major pick-session again... it doesn't seem likely that I will ever again get into that obsessive-picking-state-of mind. it seems so far away.

which is a nice feeling

at the same time, however, I felt similarly before the last time I picked...

so I will try this time to be aware that just because I feel like a non-picker now, that doesn't mean I'm in the clear...

last time I was not in the clear.

But it is also probably good to examine this non-picker feeling/ state of mind... maybe I can soak it up, soak it deeper into my conciousness while it is here.

that's all for now.

ameise

[shihui]

it's really good that you're doing so well! 18 days since your last picking session is really a good progress, and it means today will be your 21st day! if im not wrong, the aim of ZT is to reach 21 CSP-free days. and well, you've just completed a course that all of us here are trying to complete! congrats!

[ameise as guest]

Thank you, shihui for your kind words...

Yesterday, January the 16th, I picked a bit more than I would consider DG -- maybe DLG (doing less good)

Up until then, I was pretty much ZT for a couple weeks...

I am not terribly dissappointed that I picked. I did not really do any damage. My skin just started to break out a bit, and I felt the urge to get the little plugs out...

The fact that I picked did not send me into a state of obsession & regret & self consciousness about the condition of my skin.... and, right now, I feel like that is half the battle.

I picked at two different times yesterday - the first time for about 20 or 25 minutes right after I got up, and the second time for about 5 minutes later in the day.

They were kind of unusual feeling pick sessions in that I was consciously allowing myself to go ahead and pick... I was thinking: I know I'm not supposed to do this, but I am going to let myself -- I didn't feel at risk of "going too far." Probably that is not true. I think I am always at risk. So, having that feeling was probably not a step toward recovery.

However, I did not get all nervous & anxious while picking... for many years now, every time I have picked I have experienced a lot of tension & anxiousness WHILE picking, because at the same time I am getting satisfaction from pore-purging, I am simultaneously thinking "I shouldn't be doing this" and feeling very guilty & almost jumpy as if I could be caught (even if I'm home alone).

So, yesterday, because I had consciously decided I was going to let myself pick, I didn't have that same level of guilty-angst... and I actually think that is a good thing, because I think part of the brain-pattern/ brain chemical addicion for me has to do with the rush of the anxiety.

A few other things I want to note:

I wonder why my skin was breaking out... up till now I have observed it breaking out pre-menstrually (this was post menstrual). I also sometimes think it breaks out with full moons (not sure if this is possible/ true).

I also want to acknowledge that trying to understand my skin like this is part of my excessive focus on my skin.

Nonetheless, that is Where I am now; plus knowing when to expec breakouts may help me to understand that they come and go... So I will go ahead & complete my thought about it: perhaps this break out was caused by drinking more caffeinated tea.

But the main thing that I want to note about this & other break-outs -- sometimes my skin breaks out in this way that it feels like an opportunity for all the stuff that has been collecting under the surface to come out... with that type of break out, it feels like all the stuff has moved close to the surface & gathered together in condensed plugs that are ready to come out.
This is different from some other types of break out where there are more vague bumps, maybe they hurt, etc....

So yesterday my face felt like it was in a phase of break-out where nearly all the blemishes/ clogged pores were gathered into this state of being ready to come out...

It was that situation that I decided not to resist picking.... it felt like an opportunity to get those things out while they had gathered at the surface. I guess the truth is that they would come out on their own... I am not sure if I believe that. But I guess it doesn't matter. Either they would come out or not... And the things that make me pick are wanting them out, and also the satisfaction of seeing/ feeling them come out. And I know i should break that satisfaction link.

The other point I want to remember is that I picked in my boyfriend's bathroom just after he left for the day.

This is typical in that it's a way I "appreciate/ make the most of" having the house to myself.

It is also typical in that the lighting in his bathroom somewhat encourages picking -- perhaps a motivation for me to talk to him about CSP can be that I would like to try to get a different light in there.

This has been a kind of disjointed post.

oh well

take care, best wishes, any readers.

ameise

[shihui]

hi ameise

i too, have noticed that i always break out before my menses come. i think it's got to do with the hormones being more active than usual when your menses is about to come, causing the break outs. my desire to pick hasnt really got to do with the lighting. however i realised that under yellow light, my skin seems to look better than under bright white light. i dont know if it'll be the same for you. but if it is, you may have less desire to pick since you cant really see much problem there with yellow light.

good luck in telling your boyfriend about this.

[ameise as guest]

I am going to try borrowing portions of hoppe's new format -- it seems like it encapsulates many of the things I am trying to keep track of.


TEXT 12:30 pm, Tuesday 01/25/05

TEXT No

TEXT Around 4 pm, sunday 01/16/05

TEXT 1 tiny raw place from scratching a blemish (not in front of the mirror, not true problem-picking for me)

TEXT: yes, 4 or 5, some of these on my neck, sort of far-under the skin ones... it is a full moon (to test that theory/ pattern)

TEXT good

A thought I had that I think I want to think more about: sunday evening I took a bath. I haven't shaved the hair on my legs in a long time, so they are pretty hairy. Usually, I think they look prettier when they are hair-less, smooth. But looking at them in the tub, it felt nice to have the hair fully grown out, how it is naturally, the amoutn of hair, the growth pattern -- an expression of "me," of my body's natural state. Then I thought about my one worst picking picking scar -- and I asked myself: does it feel that way, too? Even though I normally see it as a flaw, can I see it as part of me that feels good to allow to be totally natural, what it is....My skin felt healthy, in the steamy bath my pores felt open... and I thought, can I picture that scar there & know that skin is "breathing" & it's serving the function skin is supposed to function (protecting my insides)... so, can it feel nice to know it is just me as a naturally am?

and, unfortunately, the answer (so far) was no ... and the realization part was that the reason is that I don't feel like it is "the natural me" -- unlike my leg hairs... it feels like some extra non-me bad thing imposed on me.

Perhaps if I get to a point of peace with picking, with the process that brought it there, that process and all the experiences wih picking will feel like part of what has made me me. .. and so the scar will feel like a "natural" part of the whole me....

we'll see.

ameise

[ameise as guest]

huh.. my format titles didn't work out...

they were supposed to be:

Time of post 12:30 pm, Tuesday 01/25/05

Picking since last post: No

Last picking incident/ session: Around 4 pm, sunday 01/16/05

Wounds from picking 1 tiny raw place from scratching a blemish (not in front of the mirror, not true problem-picking for me)

Natural breakouts/ blemishes yes, 4 or 5, some of these on my neck, sort of far-under the skin ones... it is a full moon (to test that theory/ pattern)

Overall feeling about the condition of my skin: good

[ameise as guest]

Time of post 4:00 pm, Tuesday 02/2/05


Picking since last post: A little


Picking incidents:
I left the blemishes I had as of the last post alone, but as they were going away, they left these little bump-plugs. Last thursday I picked/ squeezed about four of those (about 3 minutes, in the bathroom at work). The next day, I experienced some dissapointment at work - I found out I was not included in a meeting of some more "upper-level" people. It made me feel like I am not taken seriously enough/ valued enough at work. I went right into the bathroom and picked at about 3 more of those bump plugs. I could see the connection between feeling disappointed & my feelings being a little hurt & then going in the bathroom & engaging in a little picking because it would be totally absorbing & take my mind off the dissappointment. This seemed like more of a set-back for quitting than picking that is purely physically motivated (when I just can't stand looking at a bump, etc). Today I squeezed one bump (also at the bathroom at work... the flourescent lighting in there is not helpful.) With the bump today, I thought: I don't have to squeeze this, I can leave it alone & that will add to my CSP recovery strength. I walked away from the mirror to use the toilet. Then, back at the mirror to wash my hands, I thought: "what does it matter if I do? I know I'm not going to have a pick session right here/ right now/ I'm not going to squeeze so hard to break the skin... I'm just going to get the little gunk out of that one bump & that will be it. What does it matter." So I did it. I know that's not good in that it reinforces the need, the satisfaction-connection in my brain.

But what was somewhat good about all these pickings is that they were minor (probably between a few seconds and 3 minutes), that I didn't damage my skin, and that they didn't make me self-conscious, regretful about my skin.

When I went ahead and squeezed the one bump today, I was kind of thinking, if I didn't have CSP, it wouldn't make any difference in the world if I squeezed this bump...

But of course I do have CSP.

I am hoping that by tracking these things, being aware, it will be less likely that I will slip from these few picks into a pick cycle.


Last picking "session": Around 4 pm, sunday 01/16/05
( I am not sure what my exact definition of a session is, I seem to know when I feel I have engaged in one... probably something longer than five minutes, where I get sucked in & don't just pick a blemish a notice, but start ot scan my face for more blemishes, more pores to squeeze, etc)

Wounds from picking: 1 tiny raw place from scratching a blemish while driving, not in front of the mirror, not really "picking" for me

Natural breakouts/ blemishes: no

Overall feeling about the condition of my skin: good

I enjoyed Margret/ coolhandluke's observation today that instead of saying to herself "I am going to let you relax by picking" she is going to think " I am going to let you relax, I am going to take care of you by not picking" -- and I realized that some of what I crave in pick-time (alone time, being alone with picking) I am also getting by reading on this board....for a moment I realized I was sort of in the same alone-bubble here on the computer... and I need that. so I am grateful for the extent to which the board can provide it.

ameise

[ameise as guest]

Time of post 7:30 pm, Monday 02/7/05


Picking since last post: Just once, a little bit


Picking incidents: On Friday 2/4... it is funny (ironic), I think I saw a stop looking at bump backhead in my rearview mirror that morning & it felt good to notice it & to be able to resist picking it -- to look away & get on with my day. I even mentioned that I felt good about that in hoppe's journal. But then - I think that same night - when I got to my boyfriend's house (where the mirror light shows a lot of irregularities -- right after he went out to walk the dog, I found that spot & about 4 or 5 others -- just little cclogged pores or whiteheads - no damage/ skin breakin -- but it is dissappointing I immediately took advantage of that mirror when he went out.



Last picking "session": Around 4 pm, sunday 01/16/05

Wounds from picking: 1 tiny scab, the size of a pinhead, where a big clogged pore was

Natural breakouts/ blemishes: no

Overall feeling about the condition of my skin: good (not wearing makeup on a daily basis, only for special occasions)

headache at the moment, so must stop looking at the computer.



ameise

[shihui as guest]

hi ameise. i understand the part you mentioned about feeling disappointed of taking advantage immediately when you're alone in a room. that always happens to me!

hope you're feeling and doing good.

[sioned]

Hi Ameise,

I just wanted to say hello (I've not posted in your thread before!) and that whenever I read your posts I keep thinking you have a brilliant way of being able to describe things related to your skin and picking that I would really like to be able to express too! One day soon I will try and write some of my thoughts about these things too, but the last few days I just haven't had the energy!

Anyway - just wanted to say hello and hope you are doing ok!

Sioned xx

[ameise as guest]

Time of post 7:00 pm, Wedesday 02/9/05


Picking since last post: None at all! (it's only been 2 days, but I'm still glad to say so)


Picking incidents: Last picking "session": Around 4 pm, sunday 01/16/05

Wounds from picking: none

Natural breakouts/ blemishes: a few small (my period started today)

Overall feeling about the condition of my skin: good

tomorrow in therapy I think I will try to talk to my therapist more about how I feel about my one big scar. She acts like it is the "obsessive" me that is blowing it out of proportion... I know that is somewhat true, but I also think it is truly worthy of my dislike.

Last time I was there she said she had the sense I hadn't forgven myself for what I have done to my skin - and that may be part of why the scar bohers me so much. I think there's some truth to that, but also there is part of me that doesn't blame myself entirely, I also feel it is just Unfair that that time in front of the mirror, when I was quite young (19 or 20) has let a permanent, noticeable scar. (although I also realize it is not as unfair as plenty of other people's challenges)

Sioned - I want to thank you very much for you post in my journal... On the boards, it is so valuable the way people repond when we are going through hard times.... but right now I feel like I am doing pretty well, but,nonetheless, I feel like I want support, maybe congratulations... I was thinking of starting a thread to ask for it. There is now one else in the world (besides fellow pickers) who understands the *accomplishment* of not having harmed my skin, or having gotten stuck at the mirror for more than 5 minutes, for almost a month....

So, sioned, just knowing that you relate to my journal & are following my efforts felt like the recognition that I was wanting... thanks.

(I may have to log off suddenly if my boyfriend arrives)

One last thing - after my last therapy session where my therapist & I spent a while on my one big scar, I decided to try something unusual to get an estimation of what it really is, how big it really is: I colored it in with lipstick & then pressed a piece of white, coffee-filter paper on it, to get an "imprint" of it.... a couple things intersting about that experience:

1) I liked the way I looked with it colored in -- I think I spend so much mental energy trying to sort of convince myself it is not there, making it blurry in my mind's eye -- that to just see it out there, delineated in bright red, was sort of liberating....

2) it is truly as big as I think -- maybe I will measure the imprint later. I think my estimation of the size and shape in my mind are accurate... (I felt my therapist thinks I am overestimating it, but maybe she just means I am overestimating the significance of it...)

3) the shape of the imprint was very familar to me. I often think it looks sort of like the sahpe of the african continent... this is true, I think.... on the imprints (I made 2), they aslo looked like they could be butterfly wings... that's a nice way to think of it (but it what the imprint does't show is the fact that it is an indention on my face, with a shadow.... blah.... so it's easier to see the imprint as a butterfly wing...)


ameise

[ameise as guest]

Time of post 9:00 pm, monday 02/14/05


Picking since last post: a few whiteheads, damnit.


Picking incidents: This weekend I started getting a number of whiteheads.
saturday (2/12) evening, getting ready to go out with my boyfriend, I squeezed one on my chin. It didn't come out as easily as I thought... it wasn't as "ready" as I thought & there was a second little sebum plug in there.... squeezing it & having it not come out cleanly/ simply actually made me not want to touch any others, which was good.
The next day however -- I'm not sure why -- maybe that first one looked like it needed a little subsequent squeeze... I don't know - but I went ahead & squeezed all the others... it didn't take much time -- just a few minutes before showering, and then a few minutes a little later before brushing my teeth. Ugh, then today (the next day) I got a tiny bit more pus out of one... which seemed to Help/ make it go away... I'm not sure if I'm glad it helped, or if I wish it had made it worse to teach me a lesson.

Last picking "session": Around 4 pm, sunday 01/16/05

Wounds from picking: about 6 small spots that were whiteheads, are now tiny holes/ red spots

Natural breakouts/ blemishes: a few in addition to the white heads I "took care of" -- I seemed to break out more toward the end of & after my period this month (last month, too) - could be a new hormone pattern or maybe it's that I was eating more sweets than usual the week before my period.

There is one whitehead left on my forehead that I am determined not to pick... I want to use it to remind myself they do go away on their own.

Overall feeling about the condition of my skin: I feel my skin looks okay - the red spots are not big, to me they look like spots any non-CSP person could have. But
my overall feeling about CSP is: somewhat annoyed.

It was a fairly stressful and sad week - my dog was diagnosed with lymphoma.

I don't really think that had much to do with my picking those whiteheads, though.

the picking I did was not "severe" - I haven't felt the need to wear make up, to keep checking on the spots, or really to try to fix them (only when I have gone to the bathroom & seen them) - but I'm not really thinking about them otherwise -- not obsessing about them ---

but what I AM thinking/ obsessing about is: why did I pick them? Why sometimes does the idea of squeezing a pore/ whitehead seem uninteresting & pointless & counterproductive, while other times it seems so satisfying & neccessary?

Do I really want to give this up? maybe not. I don't want to go through the obsessive times, or big wounds... but if I knew I could go ahead & squeeze out occasional whiteheads & clogged pores without being at risk of entering a true, damaging pick session -- the truth is: I would want to keep doing it .

I guess I need to use the past a guide, and know that a little picking leads to more. I guess that is why I feel so irritated about it... even though it didn't really harm my skin much, I guess I know it is not good for the "healing" of my mind.

and yet, there is really part of me that feels like: So what? I'm going to get the pus out of whiteheads if I want to. It's MY face - I can do what I want. Plenty of people would do the same. Why should it be such a big deal?!?

But I'm not sure why I feel so indignant, defensive... I guess I am indignant towards the part of myself that thinks ultimately no amount of picking is okay

I am having a hard time finding the balance between not "beating up on myself" for a few spots, yet being determined enough not to pick those few... how to put forth enough effort to know I am actively trying to get over CSP, while also being gentle & forgiving with myself.

I am grateful that it has been about a month since a true pick session. I am grateful my dog is still feeling well & I had better go cuddle him while I still have him with me. ( I just got a sense of gratefulness to hopefully replace that indignation.)

good night.