ameise's occasional journal

[ameise as guest]

Thursday June 23rd

A week since my last goals.

If I get through the rest of today without picking ( I think I will, I'll go to bed right after posting), I will have hade 5 out of 7 ZT days this week.

The 2 days I picked a little were Monday & Tuesday.

I am pretty sure my picking on Monday was less than 5 minutes, and I didn't do any damage, so I feel it was within the limits of my goal that I set for myself - I think it was one whitehead & then a slightly inflamed clogged pore on my nose & then I managed to very rapidly empty about 8 more pores next to that one (all in less than 5 minutes! I was a little disappointed in myself - I was doing it for satisfaction, I enjoyed it -- but I did stop myself.

The next day, I think I did 2 blackheads & then stopped myself.

No self-harming body picking or ingrown hair extraction.

However, 5 Zt days is good.

I will stick with the same goals for next week, since I am meeting them, but not exactly easily.

I also have another, more long-term goal: I want to have skin that shows no lingering red marks from any damage, skin that is free of any indication of recent picking. Right now, my skin is in one piece, no wounds, no raw spots, but there is a red spot from a pimple last month ... I didn't even pick it much, but i think it was the picking I did do that made it raw, and caused it to leave this red mark... I know it will fade in a month or so... so I hope I can avoid doing any damage at all until it is completely faded.... and the point is not to have "perfect" skin... because I can't, I can't get rid of my scars, and I will have new breakouts, some wrinkles, too -- but the point is I would like to have skin that shows no sign of recent harm... just because that will mean: no recent harm, no recent non-peaceful encounters with my skin. and this doesn't mean perfect ZT, just no damaging that leave marks...

I want to take a second to focus on the positive -
the long-term positve progress I have made with picking.

1) I thought again this week about how I no longer pick in such damaging ways as I used to... I don't do anything that would cause scars anymore. If I do break my skin, I realize I have gone too far, and I no longer continue to try to dig around in their, get to the "root," I haven't had a sore that I prevented from healing through active intervention in a long time.

2) It has been a fairly long time since any picking wounds have made me either late (because of trying to cover them) or not want to go out with people. As for not wanting to be seen/ hiding, the most recent thing I remember was probably at least 3 months ago... I didn't want to go out to a restaurant with some friends & rather requested that we (my boyfriend & I) stay home & watch a movie....but it wasn't even a spot that was that bad. I just didn't feel like feeling self conscious in the least.
The most recent time I can remember when I did have to do a make-up job that made me late & nervous... it was when I met my boyfriend's ex... that was also when my dog was really sick, so that would have been late March...3 months ago... (not that long, but I think the last time before that was last summer... because when I was driving over to meet this ex-girlfriend & thinking "I can't believe I am back in this I having this self-conscious-late-because-of-wound-&-make-up situation," I now remember that I was thinking of the the last time it happened: the phase last summer when I was in that position several times. )

Not so bad. Not interfering in my life so much, but obviously I still have a lot to think/ say about it, since I have written so much.

I wonder if writing these entries helps me process -- of course it must somewhat, but i wonder if time writing about it kind of processes the knot in my brain, breaking it down like a wheat processer pulverizing wheat seeds into flour... it's a nice thought -- since it's my brain maybe it's doing that if Iwant it to.

ameise

[shihui]

i'm really happy for you ameise. you're making such great improvements. congrats! i wish someday i'll be like you, posting such positive outcomes of my week.

[ameise as guest]

Hi shihui -

I almost don't want to post this, because I don't want to make you feel in anyway that picking is insurmountable... but I have to:

I picked a little that night after that positive post! It was really kind of crazy -- I felt so postive about making progress. But I also think writing and thinking so much about my skin can be kind of a trigger... nonetheless, I think I have to keep this journal: I almost think I have to get to the point were I can think & write about it, without it triggering me -- like 'exposure therapy.'

anyway, the picking was not so bad - I didn't cause damage, BUT it was more than 5 mintutes (more like 15). IT started with me checking on that one red spot that I wrote about -- I wrtoe about looking forward to it fading, so I would feel there was no evidence of recent harm. so, I leaned in to check it out & discovered a remaining bump or clogged pore - to my picker-mind it looked like it was prevening the spot from disappearing ... so, I tried to get it & them for whatever reason, I used that I'm-picking-now, might as well try to get all the bumps, clogged pores since I'm doing it anyway...

I feel lucky there was no real harm, not even particularly dry skin...

But because I picked for more than 5 minutes - that means I did't mean my last weeks goals.

For this week (Friday & Today) I have been doing fine - no picking so far.

To try to be forgiving of myself, I told myself tha part of what this journaling & these goals are for is not to be perfect, but to observe & learn what hold CSP has on me... and of course, to hope it lessens and lessens. But I am also presuming there is some value in just honestly observing & that in doing that, just that good-faith effort will, like I've said before, help untie the knot.


So, we'll see how it goes with the goals this week.

again, four weeks of meeting my goals is sort of my bigger goal -- when I do that, my reward will be to ease up a little in my tracking & watching of myself... I will see if I can go for a while without this exact monitoring (which in itself can truly be tiring.)

Good luck everyone.

ameise

[hoppe]

Ameise

I am sorry that you did not reach your goals. But it seems your are forgiving yourself for it, and that is very good. And overall you are still doing so incredibly well - that is wonderful.

Good luck!

hoppe

[ameise guest]

Hi hoppe, thank you for your note.

yes, overall I think I making my way out from under the 'picking shadow' -- I don't really have thoughts anymore about how my life will be after I no longer pick, because the picking that I still do hasn't been bad enough to interfere with my life... It is mostly a problem just for the moments I am picking & then the guilt. Sometimes I also lose sight of the progress, and just feel frustrated that it is still difficult after so long…

But, the more manageable it becomes, the more I can handle the idea that this could be a tendency/ behavior I will have to be conscious of for a long time -- it has become part of me, part of the fabric of my thoughts, but it can be a small and relatively harmless problem.

ameise

[ameise as guest]

Thursday June 30th, 2005
The end of my week-long goals.

I definitely abided by the goals this week. I am not exactly sure how many days were ZT, 3 or 4. But on all the other days, all I picked was one white head, one clogged pore & I gently scratched a little at one white head & at one little clog/ bump. Definitely no more than 5 minutes on any day. The closest I can to any “danger-zone” was when I was plucking some dark hairs near my nipple – those can really be troublesome: I think I am justified in not wanting them there – so I pluck them, they sometimes become ingrown, etc… so, I did create a tiny raw spot in trying to pluck a semi-ingrown one last night – but I could recognize that I could be moving into an unhealthy obsessive practice & stopped myself.

I’m GLAD the week went so well.

I was thinking that after I have slipped up a little, over the next period of time. It is always easier to abstain…I guess I am just extra-cautious & aware & reminded of how it doesn’t feel good/ isn’t worth it to let myself down. I kind of wish I could get over that “guilty/ letting myself down” feeling, too, though. I wish I could choose not to pick just because I know it is better for me in the long run – without the guilt, etc, if I do slip up. I guess I am getting better at forgiving myself, too. The less control CSP seems to have over me, the easier it is to forgive myself for any individual slip up.

Good luck everyone.

ameise

[ameise as guest]

Wednesday July 6, 2005

I was out camping and hiking for the extended 4th of July weekend. This was good for skin & picking. I have been pleasantly surprised lately at how my skin doesn't break-out as a result of every little change… for example this past weekend I forgot my own soap & of course washed with a different water source than usual and also used lots of sun screen. I have gotten a few whiteheads – but nothing major. It used to seem like my skin would react to every little change in products/ water with many breakouts – perhaps I just care less about the breakouts, or perhaps my skin is more resilient because of less-picking, or perhaps just because of time/ getting older.


So far this week I have only squeezed 3 whiteheads (ones that I think resulted from the extra sunscreen)… never more than 5 minutes at the mirror. However, all three were on different days, so I think only 2 days have been entirely ZT… Tomorrow has to be ZT in order to meet my weekly goals. Also, I just squeezed at one of them this morning, after having first squeezed it yesterday… it wasn’t quite a straight-forward/ ready white-head – so I really should have/ should leave it alone.

This post is my little late-in-the-week “vow” renewal. My vow is to renew my commitment to my week’s goals.

Best wishes everyone.

[ameise as guest]

Thurs July 7

I felt very picky last night... (it is right after my period ended - I want to look back..& see if those are picky times). I prodded/ pulled at/ picked at some hairs & clogged pores around my nipples - this seems to be my alternative to face picking lately -- it was okay - didn't cause any damage, just something to be aware of.

I also picked a couple clogged pores & 3 more white heads (including that one again that was still bothering me). I am not sure whether doing that exceeded 5 minutes -- my guess is that it was right around five minutes... (I did look at my watch when I stopped, and the last time I had looked at it was 15 minutes before.... when I was still out in the yard & hadn't come in or gone to the mirror yet...so I KNOW it was under 15 minutes, but I think it was closer to 5) In fact, what stopped my was the thought "I am going to exceed 5 minutes & I'm going to miss my goals & I'm going to have to report this -- I don't want to report a big setback." It's kind of strange -- that ... I don't know what to call it -- shamefulness of possibly failing -- is what stopped me. It helped my see that forcing myself to document & share with others every pick does discourage me from picking -- and I also stopped because in a way I am tired of documenting/ tracking/sharing every pick.... and I thought "the sooner I meet my goals for 4 weeks, the sooner I will try easing up on the precise monitoring"

So -- whether it was 6 or 7 minutes or 4 or 5, I am going to consider it a Success -- because I stopped, went out for a walk, didn't do anything damaging, and my goals process was the "rescue rope" that I used to get away from the mirror... So if I can manage a ZT day today, I will consider the week overall a success & move onto next week's goals.

Another little thought I've been having lately- it is clear that it is a lot easier not to pick when I am busy, out, away, etc. and that I am most at risk for picking when I am home alone --- yet, I CRAVE alone-time, and I don't want to give up time home alone, because that me-time feeling is kind of what I think I sometimes get or look for from picking ... I'm not sure if this is making sense in words. It's just that it seems a little ironic, or paradoxical or something. I guess what I'm thinking is that if I totally deprived myself of home-alone time, in order to avoid picking-temptation, then the need for alone-time would build up & that is sometimes what feeds the picking urge. However, I am not sure how to get the "cycle" to work the other way -- where I am getting enough satisfying alone/reflection time that I don't feel the need to have picking time, yet I am not tempted by the alone time. I guess the way is just resisting, practicing.

I am home alone today, I don't feel tempted, but perhaps I'll cover the mirror for good measure - like a prevention-gift to myself.

The other thought - yesterday, when I almost got sucked into picking ... I knew I had the rest of the evening & today off -- there are many things I want to do... I've been feeling like I would like a lot of time to sort of organize personal projects, life-goals, creative writing, etc... I have the overall sense that I am not living up to my potential -- creative potential.... but I am also afraid to try to do so & to discover that it is not in me... that I cannot generate things that others are interested in reading or seeing. So, last night I realized or remembered that another role for picking for me is a way to "sabotage" myself. Bring up another issue/ problem to deal with that inhibits me from really trying to focus on the things that I would most like to tend to....(but am scared of failing if I do).

BUT NOT TODAY! Up goes the sheet over the mirror!! (I am being intentionally silly with these emphases)

best,

ameise

[ameise as guest]

I haven’t felt like posting today because I have to admit it in print: I exceeded 5 minutes of picking yesterday. So far this week, I had 2 ZT days, 1 DG (I think I squeezed a whitehead & a blackhead) & then yesterday – gosh, the total was probably around 10 spots, at different times over the day, probably about 15 - 20 minutes total at the mirror. My skin was breaking out in this particular way that it sometimes does… I have written about it before… it has to be some particular hormone cycle or convergence of hormones-moon cycle-food …. I am not sure – however, all of a sudden every little bit of clogged pore in my face seems to come to the surface & look like little yellow plugs… to my CSP mind it looks like such an irresistible opportunity to get rid of them all… ah well.

I went to a meditation retreat this past weekend & one thing that was said was that our addictions, and working with them as our teachers, helps safeguard us from complacency.

I thought it was encouraging to think of my attachment to CSP as a “teacher” – it does feel like a continual education about my mind, and the gaps between intention and execution, and how things shift from one moment to the next….

Well, I am not feeling totally devastated/ disappointed, probably mostly because I didn’t create any damage… in part that is probably good luck, but also means I am stopping myself before harming myself… which is good.

Although I have missed my week’s goals, I haven’t interfered with the longer term-goal of improving CSP to the point where there are no marks on my face that show recent wounds. There is still just one red spot gradually fading.

I guess I will just do the best I can for the rest of the week & then start another week’s goals.

[ameise as guest]

Hmm – I haven’t posted in a while, I think I’ve even lost track of my weekly goals-monitoring. Oh, actually, it’s a Thursday (the usual day I end the week./ reset goals), July 21st.
It has actually felt good not to post so regularly, not to track and count every ZT or every blackhead I squeeze (honestly, though, probably the part about not counting every blackhead has been more enjoyable than not counting ZT days). I am not sure if I want to go back to the careful, exact goals-tracking, even though I said I would do that until I met my goals 4 weeks in a row.
I want to record a summary of the last two weeks:
I had a bunch of breakouts, which I wrote about in my last post. One of them was right at the one remaining left over, red spot. For days I didn’t touch it, but I did scrub extra hard when washing, which I think led to flaky skin/ irritation. Eventually, a head formed on it. I had an important one-on-one work related meeting coming up & I hated the idea of having that irritated pimple. I decided squeezing the head might make it leave faster. I did it, which caused a little hole, the next day a little more pus was in there, and I squeezed that out, -- after that, I let it be and it healed. I actually don’t think the way I dealt with it was so different than the way a lot of people might squeeze a ready pimple, but my thoughts about it were pretty obsessive & self-conscious….When it looked its worse, I kept checking on it, felt I needed to cover it with make up, checked on the make up, washed it a lot, etc. And equally as bad, at one point, when I first squeezed it & discovered that I couldn’t really “fix” it – it was still an inflamed bump, with a raw spot… I knew messing with it extensively wouldn’t help, but I had such a strong urge to Work on it, to take matters into my own hands & purge out the clogs, etc, that I ended up squeezing several pores on the other side of my face, as an alternate outlet…. I’ve noticed that before – once I have one significant blemish on my face I get far more focused on all the other minor clogs & bumps that I can otherwise generally ignore.

So, doing that, and those few days when I couldn’t stop worrying about that pimple were unpleasant, and I could tell it was the Obsessive part of this. I am glad that although I was obsessing about it, I didn’t really do any seriously damaging picking… it was never exactly a wound, but just a flaky, irritated, sore bump that made me feel uncomfortable in my face skin…

Other than that thing, and the response of clearing out a number of other pores that one day, I have been fine. That sounds kind of contradictory, but it is true… It feels like there was sort of this “struggle” with this one big, hurting pimple that formed on it’s own… I did get sucked into worrying about it & messing with it a little, but I didn’t get sucked onto doing any really harmful picking, or digging – the two times I squeezed it, it was just one or two quick pinches to get whatever would come out – but there was a lot of self consciousness, and also some times I picked off the flaky skin. It became one of the major focuses in my life for those days.

But when I say that I have been “fine” otherwise, I mean that I resisted touching it for a while, and once it started to heal, and I could see that it was healing, I was not very tempted anymore to intervene, it has receded quickly to something that I am not worried about…

I read a post recently that said we will resist, we will learn what methods help us resist, we will slip up, and then we will apply those methods again and get back away from it/ back out of the picking hole… I guess I feel like getting out of the picker’s mindset happened especially easily this time, almost naturally, as if that is also now becoming a more well worn path – leaving the obsessive thoughts/ focus behind.

Another realization I had a couple weeks ago when I went to a meditation retreat – the speaker talked about addictions, and I realized or remembered that I am not only addicted to the process of picking my blemishes, I am also addicted to having an ongoing story line in my head about my skin: my skin looks healthy, I feel good and free OR my skin is a mess, I am held back from things… I am just used to having that cycle to be one of my focuses… when I feel my skin is bad, waiting for it to be better, being determined to treat it healthily, is something that gives me direction…. I have realized this before: one thing that is hard about letting go of this is that there is no new narrative “I am doing well/ I am not doing well” that replaces it….
Strange.

For now, because I am not feeling skin-obsessed, and I want to maintain that, I am going to make week-long goals that are less specific, actually quite obvious : my goal for the week it to pick as little as possible, and to let go of any skin-obsessed thoughts when they come into my head.

Best luck.

ameise

[hoppe]

Ameise

I am sorry you still experience obsessive moments. I really hope they will disappear with time.

I have been thinking about what you wrote - that you felt the need to pick a particular outbreak because of an upcoming one-on-one meeting with someone. I often think in similar ways - I pick because I have to meet someone/go somewhere in a couple of days and I trick myself into believing I can just manage to 'fix' things before that. I want to stop thinking that way. There is no need to pick because of some appointment or something in a couple of days. I make myself believe that by picking I prevent the outbreak-associated anxiety that otherwise will affect me during that meeting/appointment - but it is wrong. And the anxiety that comes with a picked face is usually much greater anyway. I hope we can both liberate us from this pattern of thinking.


Thank you for still caring about me. I will get through this some day.



hoppe

[ameise as guest]

Hi hoppe!

Thanks for the encouragement & understanding.

So far, this week has been a fairly easy one, CSP-wise... CSP at a low level (sometimes I feel like it's a tide that rises and falls... I can practice and make progress towards resisting, but sometimes the tide of the urge-to- fix-my-skin just becomes to high, too strong...)

anyway, it's the 5th day of the week, and so far I squeezed a little at one pimple & at one clogged pore... just a short time at the mirror, and I'm not having obsessive, self-conscious thoughts.

This one pimple I have does bother me... I think I'll be able to leave it alone from here on out, though.

The state of my skin:
Two weeks ago I had many breakouts, they went away & now I have 2 more, the bigger one that bothers me & a smaller one that is dissappearing as quickly as it came.

I record this because I am still trying to figure out if there are patterns or at least characteristic amounts of time that I can expect to have breakouts & no breakouts...

I think if I can be aware of seeing breakouts come & go, I can start to let go of the idea that I need to Take Charge of my skin...

Well...

best wishes, all

ameise

[ameise as guest]

UGH- goddammit!

(some "graphic" pick-details below)

I did squeeze that pimple again - not for very long, but I was not as gentle as I should have been.

So, after I wrote that I thought I would be able to leave it alone, I spent sometime reading on the Selfinjurious picking site. I found that I was scratching at the dry skin/ scab on that pimple as I read. I decided that it was okay -- I logically knew it wouldn't be totatlly healed if the skin/scab came off, but somehow I thought it might be far enough along, would be smoother, etc.

So, eventually the scabby skin came off, I looked in the mirror & I could see that there was still an infection bulb & one of those little white filament-like things clearly visible. I considered doing nothing. But I went ahead & squeezed the infected glob. My mind went to the possibilty of trying to extract the filament with tweezers... but I have told myself I would never do that again... so I did not. Thank god. I squeezed at the infection a little more later & then felt very bad about it.

Today it is okay - a fairly small scab, not inflamed or red....

But I am dissappointed & confused... on one hand, I can see some progress I have made -- I guess I really believe I won't ever use tweezers again, or do terribly destructive picking. However, I keep finding out how deeply rooted this reaction to pimples/ clogs is...

When I try ZT, it works for a while, but it feels like I am a little at war with myself.

I have this sense that this is a lot about self- judgement & because perfect ZT does not seem possible, trying leads to more self judgement & self criticism...

but without strict ZT rules I also keep seeming to stumbling back to scenarios where this behavior is so first-nature....

when I pick, I think I am thinking "I'll take care of this, and in the future I won't pick anymore." Maybe what I need to do is bring greater awareness to the moment I am tempted - to realize this is the only moment I have to decide one way or the other.

feeling a bit self conscious again today about this scab, I feel like the crazy person, doing the same thing again & again in spite of the fact it makes their life worse not better....

So as not to fall into feeling completely hopeless, I have to remind myself that I haven't missed work or avoided people because of this in a LONG time, I haven't spent hours and hours picking or obsessively checking, washing, steaming, putting on creams, etc....

I guess that is progress. But I feel like I have been getting caught a little bit a lot lately... and I don't know why, I don't know what is needed....

The other thing I am a little comfused about it, on one hand visiting these support boards is very helpful to my mind & heart, but I also think they trigger me a bit... it is hard to know what to do about that... maybe only visit when I anticipate not-being alone afterwards...

I don't feel obsessive about this particular spot - just irritated & dissappointed with myself.

There are certain kinds of pimples (that hurt, that I can feel all day even when I don't look in the mirror) that it is very hard to leave alone...

I guess I just haven't learned to do that yet.

Blah. I guess we all have our struggles.

Ameise

[ameise as guest]

Last week I had a pick-session… on Wed July 27th.

As I wrote in my journal, a couple days earlier I had one pimple that I had squeezed too harshly, leading to a scab. I was feeling very focused on it… trying to hurry up healing with disinfectant, creams, washing, etc… Although it was just one spot, I felt so self conscious about it, that I considered not going into work for half the day… giving it more time to heal first – but I did go in & was glad I did. However, I had the opportunity to leave early, so I did… it felt so good to go home, wash my face & know that I was all alone, had the place to myself, no one to look at my skin, etc. I went and bought those moisture seal-in bandages (for burns) & covered it with one of those. (These few days I was staying at a place I was housesitting, so I wasn’t at home with my boyfriend). I was kind of aware of the fact that this is one of the things picking “gives” me – an excuse to duck out of daily life, and sequester myself in an alone-time-bubble… so, from 3:30 pm until 10 pm I enjoyed the bubble, even went out in public to a knitting class without feeling very self-conscious. But then at 10pm, nearly time for bed, I started examining my skin. I had covered the one problem spot with the breathable-bandage, so I couldn’t mess with it…. But I had such a strong to desire to “fix” that thing, but I knew I couldn’t do anything to speed its healing, so I ended up squeezing other pores as an alternative…

In part, I was thinking that as long as I was gentle enough not to break my skin, that maybe there wouldn’t be any real harm done. In part I was really aware of just how good/ satisfying it felt to get the little plugs out – I was thinking: this is why I do this: it feels so good, nothing else feels like this. I noticed how the plugs often time seem to burst out, with momentum… that makes it seem like they need to get out, like it’s good for them to get out. And I guess years ago when I first developed CSP I thought that pore emptying was a helpful thing to do for my skin – so, the satisfying experience of seeing the stuff come out was also coupled with the idea that “this is good, I am making progress toward better skin” … In other words the physical satisfaction used to be paired with a positive thoughts… I think that is part of why it has become so deeply engrained.

Now, the logical part of my mind knows they always fill up again, and I thingk the squeezing process harms my skin, deprives it of health moisture, etc.
Anyway, I wasn’t sure that the pore-squeezing I was doing was really going to have bad results… and I decided to let it “run it’s course” – to just let myself do it until I wasn’t interested anymore, there was nothing more to squeeze… I felt that was the only way to be done with it for the night…

So, the next day, my skin looked horrible – no broken skin (just the previous pimple scab), but almost one whole side of my face was red & irritated & inflamed. I decided to at least stay home in the morning, after a couple hours I decided to take the whole day off. At first it again felt like staying home was what I needed: reading, relaxing, my irritated skin covered in the soothing bandages. But I was also quite anxious about how long before my skin would look acceptable: I had a friend coming over that night, the next day I was scheduled to meet up with another old friend for a hike, and the two days after that were a wedding/ get together in the mountains.

At some point during the day, I checked under the bandages… I realized that I could not see my skin objectively at all. One minute I would think: maybe it’s not that bad, the next minute I would see my face at an angle, shiny with Neosporin & the irritation & shininess seemed to make all the existing bumps & scars look so much more noticeable… it was really strange I couldn’t tell if I looked like a monster or not that bad. I was sure that without make up, if anyone who knew me saw me, they would say “what happened?” But I wasn’t sure if it was to the point where strangers would wonder or if it could pass for some normal variant of acne… the point is: I could see how CSP makes me completely lose perspective on myself. Mostly, I felt it was really bad… like my friend who was going to stay over would definitely notice. And, to my own disbelief, I ended up squeezing out a couple spots that had either been brought to the surface by the squeezing, or made more apparent… I couldn’t believe I was doing that, knowing that squeezing had gotten me to that state, but I also couldn’t resist the feeling that if I could just get everything flat/ empty, the recovery would be quicker, or something like that.

I became aware again of the powerful pull of the Cycle of it… when my skin is such a mess, it is like I can’t stop looking at, checking it, can’t go away from the mirror – like I am going to discover some way out, something I can do to make a dramatic improvement… It is so much on my mind, it is all I am thinking about, and I can’t bear not to be looking at it --- if I’m not looking at it, I’m wondering how it is…and then I have to go check. Gosh, I don’t think this is quite capturing it… when I was feeling it, I felt like: this is such a horrible feeling, it is like being trapped at the mirror, like an animal in a leg-hold trap… I wanted to make sure to write about it, as a reminder…. I didn’t have the energy to write about it at the time, but I wish I had talked in to my little cassette recorder – so I could really remember & look back on it as a warning…

Among people I know in real, face-to-face life, I have only ever told one ex-boyfriend & my old therapist about this. I haven’t told my current boyfriend of 1 and a half years, nor any other friends. One of my goals for July was to write a letter telling my boyfriend, as well as one to my closest friends. I only got as far as an outline.

So, on Thursday with my face so inflamed I was kind of panicking…it felt like an emergency, I felt like I was going to have to tell my friend who was coming over & she was going to help me tell my boyfriend… I thought: maybe this crisis is a good thing, in that it will force me come out of the closet about this. I have always felt it would be a lot easier to tell when my skin looks acceptable… but I felt I couldn’t hide it, and most of all I SO MUCH wanted someone to comfort me… I wanted to be able to say “I’ve had a terrible day with my skin,” and for someone to hug me and say it was okay, not as bad as I thought, etc.

Eventually, I tried to see how I would look with make up on, and I wasn’t good, but better than expected…. I ended up not telling anyone, just having a regular visit with my friend… and it was pretty good, I didn’t feel very self-conscious. She slept over & the next morning (after sleeping in the burn-bandages) I even said goodbye to her without make up.

There was one last brush with the cycle/ the mirror, etc… getting ready to go meet my friend for our hike, I again noticed bumps… this time some that had been brought out by the squeezing that had hairs in them… I plucked some of the little face hairs coming from inflamed bumps… little bits of plug seem to come out when I do this, it makes things flatter/ smoother --- again, I couldn’t believe I was doing it, doing anything that could irritate my skin… I stopped myself after not too long, but it had made my skin redder again… an hour before I had faced my friend without make up & now I felt it was needed again to see anyone.

Alas, I put some on, and went for the hike… as with the previous night’s dinner with my friend, it went fine, better than expected, I felt self-conscious at moments, but overall fine.

The fact that both of those experiences being around people were better than expected reminded me how useful it can be to have interactions with the world – to see that I am not being treated like a gruesome being… and that maybe in my CSP/ bathroom world I have lost a grip.

That was one thing I kept thinking over those two days: I need to get a grip. I am really “tripping” on this….. etc.

And then the wedding weekend went fine too, not zero skin self consciousness, but I spent some time with people without makeup, at times my even felt healthy, moist, and a little radiant (!?), which is how it feels today – here at work, with no make up.

Gosh it was a horrible roller coaster of days in my mind. I could feel the adrenaline in my system from worrying. On the day I stayed home (the peak of difficultly) I had difficulty going to sleep, I was so worried about it – I thought it felt like I had been given an adrenaline shot in the heart. I guess maybe it was like a panic-attack about what I had done to my skin, about the fact that I had done this again.

I am kind of motivated to try a period of ZT again, but also this experience made me realize that the little picks here & there are not really the problem – the problem is this obsession-this craziness, self-consciousness, isolating-ness, etc…. It made me think I should not feel so guilty about the occasional picks because they really don’t matter—it is the obsessive pick sessions, the picking that is affects my skin & psyche enough to throw me totally off kilter for days. But, of course there is a relationship between the little picks and the crazy-pick-cycle…. I’m not sure I understand it yet, though… is it really the same pick urge that leads to both?

What this really made me think I need to do is to confide in some of my close people, especially my boyfriend – I saw how I lose perspective & how interaction with the world can help with that. I know I can’t expect other people to cure me, I know that for some people on the board, telling others has added more strain – but for me --- because this has always been a lot about secrecy, and shame, and hiding --- I really think opening up is critical step… I don’t know why it so hard for me, but it really is hard to imagine.

Well, those were some challenging days alright. I had hoped I would never get pulled so far into the vortex again… but I did. Being back out, I feel it’s okay – I am human, we all are, being a picker is not a terrible crime. I just wish that I never had to go through the confusion of it anymore & I wish I could have the time & energy for positive things, etc…

And I wish the same for everyone else, too.

ameise

[ameise as guest]

Time of post: 6:00 pm, Tuesday 08/05/05

Picking since last post: yesterday, 2 whiteheads & a pimple

All were "ready" -- I had a job interview the next day & they were in obvious places (one accentuating a scar). After having had a bad picking session last week, I would have probably totally left them alone until they went away... but because I the job interview I felt like I had to do something to reduce them more quickly...I squeezed them quickly & did not cause damage or obsess about them ... I feel okay about it - I don't regret it. I would rather not have had them there in the first place, but I think I was less self-conscious after having sqeezed them than I would have been goign to the interview with them there.


Last picking "session":
Wednesday 07/27/05; over an hour -- follow-up picking the next day, Thurdsay 7/28 & a little more pulling of hairs in bumps on friday 7/29

Last damage-causing, skin-self-consciousness inducing picking "session":
same as above

Wounds from picking:
not really... tiny dry skin/scabs on the whiteheads & pimple I squeezed yesterday

Natural breakouts/ blemishes:
no -- all are going away

Overall feeling about the condition of my skin:
Pretty good... it's not perfect, but after having such a brush with the obsessive CSP mind last week, I don't care about what my skin looks like so much... I am feeling like it's fine, good enough, I'm so glad not to be in that hiding, panicking, regretful state of mind right now....