ameise's occasional journal

[ameise as guest]

today is 3/29/05

Over the past several days or week I have been very busy with work (finishing writing a chapter of a report) & with taking care of my dog, who has lymph cancer.

That last pick-session was about a week and three days ago now.

I haven't picked at all in the last 3 days or so, thankfully. And my skin is now pretty much healed & intact & feeling healthy.

For a day or two right after the pick session I was distressed enough/ frustrated enough with myself to avoid picking entirely, but I was still checking frequently on my skin & the healing process.

And then probably for about the 3rd till 5th day after the pick session, I did end up picking at about 4 spots...
In part, it was because the close-scrutiny of how the wounds were healing made me extra-aware of all other emerging whitehead & pimples.

One of those days when I was examining an oncoming pimple, I suddenly noticed how "normal" it felt to be 2 inches from the mirror, focused on this one little pimple... and I also remembered how during my runs-of non-picking days how that just wasn't part of my routine. How I didn't feel the need to look that closely, and how, after many days of ZT, the first pick actually feels strange.

I guess I realized the difference between the picker-state of mind and the non-picker, and how when you are in either of them, they become normal, the normal brain-pattern.

I think that is kind of obvious, but it was good to remember, while I was in the midst of the picking-mind, that being scrutinizing like that can become the anomaly, not the norm.

Two other things I want to note for myself, just to keep track of patterns, etc:

That last picking session and skin-conscious time was at least partly in response to the fact that my skin was breaking out, pimples were even hurting… and when I thought back over my days of ZT, the fact is that there was not much to pick. I know my break-out times come and go & the extent of pimples that I get would not drive most people to do damaging picking… but sometimes I wonder if I should do something to try to stop all break-outs, if that would enable me to be pick free for a long time. I don’t think I will because for the level of break-outs I get, acne medication seems too extreme. (I'll just keep trying the usual eating healthy/ water-drinking, gentle soap, etc) I guess it’s progress that these days I seem to mostly avoid picking at just clogged pores, etc, and am driven to pick primarily by real pimples.

The second thing I want to note for myself:
In part, I think part of the reason I engaged in that pick session is the following:
For the past 4 or more months, I have mostly picked at my boyfriend’s house (when he is not around) and I have not picked at my own house. I think the main differences are lighting & placement of mirrors, but it also became a pattern/ routine… I was in the habit of not picking at home & in the habit of, sometimes when he would go out, going to his mirror. And I am going to be moving in with him at the start of April. So, I think, in part I had that pick session at my own house to show myself that picking is not just associated with his house… maybe to see that I could go into pick-zone, but then pull myself out of it—to encourage myself that if I can go from picking to not-picking here at this house, I can also do it over there.

Long post.

Good luck everyone.

ameise

[hoppe]

Hi Ameise

I know what you mean, how either state of mind becomes normal. I have also noticed that.

Hope you (and your dog) are doing well.

hoppe

[ameise as guest]

It is Sunday, april 3rd.

I had to say goobye to my dog yesterday. His sickness had progressed to a point where he was unhappy & not going to get better. A vet came to the house & gave him a death-with-dignity drug.

As you can imagine, that is all I have been thinking about. Not thinking of my skin & not picking.

I am not sure if I will have much energy to write for the next several days, but I will check in & read about how everyone is doing.

I wish everyone good luck & strength & happiness.

ameise

[hoppe]

Ameise - I am so sorry. I know it was to be expected anytime soon, but it must still be so terribly painful for you. I hope you are not alone right now. Is your boyfriend with you?

I also hope you do not resort to picking as a way to cope with this loss. However, I know how strong you are, so I don't expect this to happen. Please stay strong!

Sending you a caring smile.

hoppe

[ameise as guest]

april 8, 2005

I haven't picked at about a week, I think -- I am not keeping count on the days, but I know it has been since before my dog died...

I think that taking care of him, and then seeing him go & being remeinded of what is important in life has helped.

I have also been busy moving over to my boyfriend's house.

I am glad I am starting out there in a non-picking period, since his bathroom has been the place I have most often picked in recent months.

We put a little bud vase (that belonged to my mother, she in on the other side with my dog, too) with three yellow-peach rose buds on the bathroom window... (my bf doesn't know about CSP, he just picked the buds to be nice), but I think it will help remind me to pause before I might pick & consider whether I really want to....

good luck everyone

Ameise

[ameise as guest]

Sometimes it seems that posting here that I am doing well, or particularly “having many days of ZT/not picking at all” is really good way to jinx myself! Ug/ Blah. I picked at a number of spots last night– not badly – no broken skin or damage (just a little redness), but still that feeling of having fouled up.

What prompted it was that I was getting some break out-bumps. One quite large on my forehead one smaller near my big scar that hurt a little & that I had been touching all day (checking on it with my fingertip). When I got home (to a house where I knew I’d be alone for hours) I saw that the little hurting one had a whitehead forming – I didn’t squeeze it – I just stretched the skin around it & some white pus came out… I guess that was so “enticing” that I couldn’t resist the bigger one as well as attempting to clear out a few other forming bumps.

I didn’t finish this post yesterday – it is now the next day… I am not feeling very bad about this – as I thought, there wasn’t really damage, I didn’t feel the need to wear cover up afterward.- just one spot that turned into a bigger pink bump.

I can’t help but want to think I’m still learning lessons from each “set back” – this time:
- at this point, it really is break-outs that make I hard to resist picking;
- even though the death of my dog has me aware of what things are really important, the little details of life still make up the minutes of a day – and it is possible for a little picking to fit in…<br>- another barometer of when I feel bad about the picking I have done: when I don’t feel like I have to wear cover-up as a result, I usually feel like I haven’t done something “so bad” – I am not sure if this is a true measure of the fact that I have sotpped myself from being too destructive, or if it is just chance.

I know I don’t feel anywhere near as bad about this slip-up as I did about the time I picked in the middle of March. I know that time I did some damage. I am glad to have this journal to sort of see the differences/ patterns…<br>
I enjoyed Nelly’s quote the other day “If it doesn’t make you feel like killing yourself it can’t be that bad” – this pick- event didn’t, it didn’t make me feel the full depths of remorse, nor like crawling in a hole.

I hope it’s good that I didn’t feel those ways (decline of CSP), rather than just getting “desensitized” (although I’ve done this so long, I probably would’ve gotten desensitized before now).

Lastly, this overall did not feel like such a big deal – I am somewhat surprised my post about it is so long --- I hope that just reflects my earnest effort to look at this CSP honestly, from lots of angles, and hope that by – I guess – really seeing it for what it is, it will lose it’s hugeness, it’s Obsession-making-quality.

That’s all,

best wishes, everyone.


ameise

[ameise a guest]

Although I know I am probably tempting the picking-fates by saying so, I will report that I have been doing well since my picking event on Friday.

Time of post: 5:00 pm, Wednesday 04/12/05

Picking since last post: very little

Picking incidents since last post:

One clogged pore, one ready white bump; about 2 minutes total

Last picking "session":
Around 7 pm, friday 04/8/05; about 25 minutes long

Last damage-causing, skin-self-consciousness inducing picking "session":
3/18/05; about 25 minutes long

Wounds from picking:
no – a couple rejuvenating flaky skin or slightly red skin places

Natural breakouts/ blemishes:
nothing noteworthy

Overall feeling about the condition of my skin:
good

The breakouts that brought on last Friday’s picking are all gone – I think they were pre-menstrual (although my skin has been acting strange for months, breaking out post-menstrually)… right now it is in a calm state, though.

It is so much easier not to pick when my skin does not feel like there are these little globules & plugs rising to the surface, as if they need to come out…(immediately).

Otherwise, still thinking about Tsunami, my dearly departed dog.

Good luck everyone,

ameise

[ameise as guest]

Just a quick, positive update because I have to lave for work.

Time of post: 8:00 am, Tuesday 04/19/05

Picking since last post: no

Last picking "session":
Around 7 pm, friday 04/8/05; about 25 minutes long

Last damage-causing, skin-self-consciousness inducing picking "session":
3/18/05; about 25 minutes long

Wounds from picking:
no

Natural breakouts/ blemishes:
yes, some, nothing huge -- they seem smaller today than yesterday

Overall feeling about the condition of my skin:
I'm glad not to be picking... although there are some breakouts, they don't seem very important or interesting

I want to knock on wood, here... my positive posts have sometimes been followed by slip-ups -- almost like I get too optimistic & let my guard down. So I promise myself to stay aware & be careful...

I think that moving in with my boyfriend is helping... I am not entirely sure why, because I was doing most of my picking here at this house anyway (when he would go out) .. I just feel I've had less oportunities...

but also less oportunities to read and post on the boards...

I just checked on everyone... my best wishes to everyone. I hope the spring motivates us all to be free to enjoy the sunshine, the air, etc...

take care,

ameise

[ameise guest]

the picking urge is upon me a bit -- I lured myself away from the mirror by knowing I could get something pick-related by coming to the boards...

It is Thursday April 21st, 10 pm

I have done well with not picking lately -- I just checked my previous posts and I think it has been about 8 or 9 days with either no picking at all or maybe one or two clogged pores....

Just a few minutes ago, however, I spent about 10 mintues at the mirror on about 7 or 8 clogged pores & bumps... not so bad... if I can manage to shower 7 get to bed without any more picking, I think I can consider it a "victory" in avoiding a more serious pick session.

The urge started earler today, at work - I squeezed two clogged pores & ridiculous as this sounds, the phrase "just for fun" ran through my mind. I have had a few small pimples near my temple for several days, but for some reason, they weren't bothering me.... but today... first the urge to clear out the pores; then later I felt a sore clogged pore on my nose while at a movie. it was a thing that was slightly sore & sensitive to the touch -- it is a place and type of blemish I used to get fairly often, but haven't had in a while. It seemed kind of strange that the sensation of that type of blemish is so familiar, how it feels to run my finger over it, how I feel the need to release the pressure of it.... Well, I came home to an empty house & I more or less knew I was going to try to fix that bump --
so I tried to...
but as it turned out, I couldn't really tell which pore was the one that was sore with it's clog....

it lead me to the others, though.

but now I'm away from the mirror. not such a big deal, no damage or skin breaking....

I'll keep trying.

If I'm trying to understand my skin and my triggers -
it was forming blemishes that drew me to pick
but I don't know why I cared about them more today han yesterday or before.

perhaps they were increasing....

perhaps it has something to do with the full moon coming in 2 days (I sometimes think my skin breaks out more with full moons... if this is possible, I don't know. Maybe it's more likely my brain chemistry changes with the moon.)


Good night.

ameise

[hoppe]

Hi Ameise

I am sorry about your picking! I hope you did not pick anymore after your post.

I like your full moon theory. Let us know if you ever discover a truly significant connection.

Hoping you are doing well.

hoppe

[ameise guest]

Thanks for your post, hoppe.

I am glad to say that I didn't pick anymore that evening!

I think I did one more clogged pore the next day at that bright florescent-lit mirror at work -- but it was not a big deal in my mind... not obsessing... the urge-phase is going away or gone, I think

Time of post: 11:00 am, Saturday 04/23/05

Picking since last post: one clogged pore

Last picking "session":
I am not sure if I consider the 10 minutes at the mirror on 4/21 a "session;" -- before that
Around 7 pm, friday 04/8/05; about 25 minutes long

Last damage-causing, skin-self-consciousness inducing picking "session":
3/18/05; about 25 minutes long

Wounds from picking:
no – a little dry skin on nose

Natural breakouts/ blemishes:
one painful bump near my hairline... it is getting smaller today.

Overall feeling about the condition of my skin:
fine...


I had a negative & a postive realization on my drive home yesterday:

the negative - I have not been in the midst of the skin-obsessed pick cycle (where there is damage I am constantly checking & trying to heal & feeling self-conscious about & that leading me to pick more). Although that is a godd thing -- it occurred to me that I am in a way still in a "cycle" - whether it is a cycle of a couple weeks, or a month, or occasionally longer -- the cycle is still that I pick a bit & then feel bad about it & that strengthens my resolve to quit... and then I don't do it for some length of time, but then I do again.

So I am afraid that it seems like the place I get the motivation not-to-pick is from the after-picking regret...
And the resolve wears off & the pick urge still is part of me....
I am glad I haven't been picking severely (usually not breaking skin, and usually stopping after somewhere between 5 - 25 minutes instead of hours....) but it also occurred to me to worry that less severe pick sessions may result in less post-picking determination to stop.

In other words, after a 30 min pick session that leaves some irritation, I may swear ff picking for a month... but after a 10 minute session with no real damage.... will picking look "not that bad" in just a week ...

well, I know all I can do is keep trying.

the positive realization:

I realized that if my picking stayed at the level it is right now for the rest of my life, that would be okay.... It is a Problem, but a managable problem. I don't really feel obsessive-compulsive about me skin... everyone has things abou themselves that they feel self-conscious about, would like to change & have a little bit of an unrealistic self-impression about....

I feel like picking & skin self-consciousness at this time in my life are comparable to other types of self-image problems that most people suffer from...

so it is nice to realize I am okay with this... I can accept myself & my picking the way I am & it has been my effort & intentions that have gotten me to this point.

But what it troubling is that just because I am here now, there is no guarantee that my picking will not get worse & become an obsession again..

I wish I could have a guarantee like that -- I think that would help me relax... if I could know it will never be any worse than this.

that is all for today.

good luck everyone

ameise

[ameise guest]

Tuesday april 26th, 5 pm

I have been doing pretty well, but not perfect - I think I need a little renewal of intentions.

Over the past 3 days since my last post.
I picked 2 bumps & one inflamed pore. Probably a total of 10 minutes of picking, on 4 separate occasions (I visited on of the bumps twice… that one is now a little infected).

Overall, my skin looks fine, this picking hasn’t felt out of control, but I also felt the need to report it & renew my intention to pick as little as I can, to try to let the ZT hours expand…and the picking moments be just little blips…<br>
Good luck to everyone.

Isn’t it strange that there are so many of us that can’t just stop? Is it that the compulsion is so powerful? Or that we don’t really want to give it up? Just wondering a little about this strange shared behavior….

[ameise as guest]

Time of post: 3:30 am, Sunday 05/1/05

Picking since last post:
none!

Last picking "session":
semi-"session" = 10 minutes on 4/21; before that
04/8/05; about 25 minutes long

Wounds from picking:
none... all healed, functional, breathable, intact skin

Natural breakouts/ blemishes:
no... it's the lucky part of the month

Overall feeling about the condition of my skin:
fine, good.

So, I think this makes for 4 or 5 pick-free days... it feels so much better not to be picking, much better even than picking "a little." I hope I can remember this.

I think it is because I am less skin-focused... but also because I feel guilty when I pick at all...

As far as being less skin-focused these last few days, I am having a hard time telling whether not-picking makes me less skin-focused or whether it is just easier not to pick at certain times, perhaps due to hormones that affect both with my head & skin ....

It's a little frustrating that I can not-pick for several days, but the urge eventually comes again even though I am not "feeding it" by picking...

Well, I suppose I should just be glad things are going well now & knock on wood for the future.

good luck everyone,

ameise

[running2stndstill]

Thanks Ameise for posting when things are going well. It is so inspiring! And for posting your ongoing challenges. It is very helpful.

Best wishes,
K

[ameise as guest]

Time of post: 12:00 noon, Monday 05/9/05

Picking since last post:
very little, last update was over a week ago-
I think 5 of the 7 days were ZT

picking events:
-emptied 1 pore

-scratched at 1 hair follicle bump for less than 30 seconds & stopped myself!!

That's it for my face!

I also squeezed one bump on my knee, also for about 30 seconds... stopped because it didn't seem "promising" & I was in the shower & didn't want to waste water... I don't really count this as CSP as my problem is my face in the mirror, but I am noting it, because I think I did it as a "replacement" -- the fact that I squeezed the bump when I found it (yesterday) shows that I am somewhat feeling the urge...

Last picking "session":
semi-"session" = 10 minutes on 4/21; before that
04/8/05; about 25 minutes long

Wounds from picking:
none

Natural breakouts/ blemishes:
several whiteheads, one big bump... it's hormonal/ menstrual


Overall feeling about the condition of my skin:
fine - I'm very glad it's in one piece because I haven't been picking, but these current whiteheads, etc are hard to resist... I really hope they go away soon -- it will feel good to see them subside without messing with them.... they are so ready/ripe, though, I suspect a scrub with a washcloth may pop some of them. That will be fine, too.

whoa... I am at work & someone just opened my office door while I had this site up without knocking... it is lunchtime, so it is fairly appropriate to do personal internet stuff, but my heart sure did speed up for fear she'd see the title of the site... she was about 7 feet away at the door, so I don't think she could see the page.... it would have been too obviously something "bad" or "not allowed" if I'd closed the page suddenly.... I don't feel it was really rude of her - she is very nice & probably just didn't think I'd mind at all....the funny thing is, I think she is someone who picks a bit.... I have no way of knowing if it is an "issue" for her, but I have wondered.

I hate that on top of having CSP I feel shy about it & it sometimes leads to heart-pounding, adrenaline rush moments...

good luck everyone,

ameise