ameise's occasional journal

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

I was very impressed by what your did with your lipstick and your scar the other day. I believe that facing it is better than pretending that it is not there. This is probably the only way to finally make peace with it. I am considering to do something similar with my scars.

I want to let you know I am really sorry about your dog. I do not know how bad it is, but I hope he will be with you for much more time.

Wishing you are really nice, pick-free, sunny day.

hoppe

[amiese as guest]

Time of post 5:20 pm, Wedesday 02/18/05


Picking since last post: a little


Picking incidents:
2 whiteheads... I had picked at a few whiteheads last week, and with these two additional, I felt like: why not? it's not like I'll be ruining a pick-free streak... I did leave the one alone that I was determined to leave alone & it went away quickly. I have also scratched at a couple pimples on the side of my face (I'm having more pimples than ususal) - this scratching was not while looking in the mirror, so they do not consitute CSP for me (still, it would be better not to touch them)

Last picking "session": Around 4 pm, sunday 01/16/05

Wounds from picking: a couple of the whiteheads I squeezed earlier in the week are not completely healed; the skin is now raw on one of the pimples I scratched

Natural breakouts/ blemishes: quite a few, more than normal... possibly too much sugar lately. unpleasant feeling -- I feel like running my fingers over my face all the time & like scratching at the forming bumps.

Overall feeling about the condition of my skin: okay - although my skin doesn't feel so great or healthy, there are no major wounds/ sores and, perhaps more importantly, I don't feel obsessive about it... I have been going to work without make up and generally feeling like my blemishes are within the realm of "normal" -- things that come & go, that other people probably don't even notice


two things I've been wanting to note:

1) it has been a long time since I have picked at my own house. this is odd because up until recently I had never picked anywhere other than my own house. Instead, lately, when I have picked it has been in the bathroom at work or at my boyfriend's bathroom I thiink the main reason for this is that the light in my bathroom is fairly soft & I got rid of the handmirror that I used to sit with in front of the windows. The light at work & at my boyfriend's - on the other hand - shows more flaws. I also suspect that I may be letting myself pick a little at those places because I know I can not let it turn into a long, destructive pick-session. Usually, I have to leave the bathroom & go to my desk or see my boyfriend again. If I move in with my boyfriend as planned in April, I will have to do something about those lights.

2) talking to my therapist about my one big scar started to make me feel better about it. At one point it dawned on me how it was No Wonder that I still feel so self consious about it -- 1) it is linked to this CSP which I have been ashamed of for so long and 2) I haven't had anyone to talk to about it... my feelings about it, my perceptions of it, etc have been completely within my head... sort of a large-stage for them -- I'm not sure if I can explain what I mean -- I guess just that without talking to anyone about something, it is hard to get any perspective. Talking to my therapist made me feel better in part because she told me she had scars on her face which she once felt self-conscious about... she asked me if I'd noticed them... I had noticed one, but I don't find it "ugly" & it turned out the one I had noticed is not the one she has felt most self-concsious about (which goes to show how our own perceptions & others perceptions differ)-- but she also says she no longer feels that way about them -- which encourages me... also just finding out that other people have your same fears/ self-consciousness makes it seem so much more manageable... it makes me think it would be helpful to be able to talk to lots more people about my scar, and about whatever they are self-conscious about - I wish I had the courage to do it...

when i read on this board about others talking to people about CSP, I don't know why I am so afraid... actually, I kind of know: it is a vicious circle -- I feel my CSP is "worse" than some because I have created a bad scar - it really shows the depths (literally) to which I have gone.... I think I could talk about it much more easily if it were something I didn't feel had caused sort of irreparable damage (that is largely why it is shameful)
-- yet, the vicious circle part is: I think that if I could talk about it, and talk about my scar, that I might start to feel the "irreparable damage" is not so much worse than the ways other people are "damaged" -- I know this logically now, but I don't really feel that way. I guess just starting by talking with my therapist is helping though...

amiese

[ameise on the porch]

Time of post 12:45 pm, Wedesday 02/23/05


Picking since last post: a little


Picking incidents:

On Monday evening, I picked probably 3 or 4 clogged pores and one gathering of white sebum...

It was a response to frustration. I was having a day of homesickness for some of the landscapes of the east coast that I love (like the appalachian mountains). I wanted to go hiking - but where I live now, that requires a far drive. I talked to my boyfriend about whether he thought he would ever want to live nearer to nature... He is more attached to his job & his house than I thought. He was having a frustrating day painting his house, and wasn't such a good listener. After we went out for dinner, I felt alone & upset that he didn't understand how important it is to me to be able to be refreshed/ sustained by natural beauty/ hiking/ etc.... I was probably also feeling a build up of stress/ worry about my dog's illness.

I came home & picked those several spots. I stopped myself before I did any damage -- however, if I had been at a mirror with more intense lightening, I am not sure if I would've stopped. It was an effort to stop, not to look for more... because of the satisfaction, release-like feeling of getting the sebum out.

It is kind of good that it was an effort to stop... I am glad to know I was committed to putting forth that effort. I am glad to be reminded (by temptation) that I am committed to not harm my skin anymore & to hopefully get over the obsession as well. I am grateful it didn't turn into a true, long pick session, but feeling those feeling of wanting to keep going was also a little scary.

Last picking "session": Around 4 pm, sunday 01/16/05


Natural breakouts/ blemishes AND Overall feeling about the condition of my skin:

As I noted in my last post, I have had more pimples than usual, mostly on my left cheek near my jaw (6 of them!). I have resisted picking them -- it has not been so hard, because they aren't forming "ready" heads. It is pretty easy to know that squeezing them would only make them worse. However, I have scratched at them a little throughout the course of the day(s) -- making 2 a littel raw. Between the rawness and the fact that they are there, I have felt that my skin does not look that great. nonetheless, as I said before, I have also felt like it is within the realm of "normal"... people get pimples, afterall, and, I have NOT BEEN WEARING MAKE -UP TO WORK! I feel like this is a good sign of peace/ acceptance of my skin. Also, I haven't noticed anyone looking at the pimples, so it also it helping me see how people often don't notice or care about these things on others.

Why I have been breaking out... I'm not sure. It seems to be going away. I had the full-moon theory - it is a full moon today, but these pimples came over the last week, preceding the moon... It feels like something from the inside... hormones maybe. maybe stress about my dog's diagnosis with cancer. Maybe the extra comfort/ endorphin-boosting-chocolate I've eaten in response. I'm glad it seems to be settling down, though.


Wounds from picking: two of the pimples I scratched have a little rawness/ hole in the skin remaining & some dry flaking skin. they are nearly healed, though


I wish I had more time right now to respond to others posts - but I have to go back to work.

however, my BEST WISHES to all of us.

ameise

[ameise]

time of post: 10:45 am Friday 2/25/05

picking since last post: no
2/23 was a ZT day
2/24 was a ZT day


The reason that I am posting is: in looking back over my journal entries, I noticed that there was often a tone or a theme of : "well, I picked a little, but things are looking up, healing, etc..."

And I started to feel a little worried that I am *kidding myself* in thinking that I am getting over this obsession when, in fact, most of the journal entries start with "picked a little."

But I think that part of the reason my journal seems to show a continued course of picking, when I feel like I am doing better, is that I always post after I pick -- I feel I need to document it/ own up to it.

So, I decided I am going to make more of an effort to post a little when I haven't picked, so that those times are reflected in my journal, too.

My skin is intact, I don't think I will pick today. Maybe I will look into scar repair sometime soon. If something helpful could be done, I do think it would help me come to peace with my skin.

ameise

[ameise on a rainy night]

Time of post 8:55 pm, sunday 02/27/05

Picking since last post:
Friday 2/25 - one pimple
2/26 = ZT
2/27 = ZT

Picking incidents:

One pimple/ big whitehead on my temple... it just looked like squeezing it out would help. I think it was the sort of thing lots of non-skin-obsessed people would do... but something I know is the CSP Danger Zone... The squeezing wasn't really damaging, but I don't think it helped, either.


Last picking "session": Around 4 pm, sunday 01/16/05

Wounds from picking: Only one minor spot - that one squeezed pimple on my temple has a little rawness at the center. (In order to report that, I just had to get up to go look in the mirror to check if it was healed completely or not... a good sign that I am not obsessively paying attention to my skin

Natural breakouts/ blemishes: thank goodness, none that I have noticed or feel... (I think my skin has gotten over its recent break-out phase)

Overall feeling about the condition of my skin: good - I don't feel like it is interfering with the quality of my life, I rarely feel self-conscious about people noticing it

I think things are going well. Today, however, I thought about the times earlier this year when I was caught in the pick cycle, at home & picking & then steaming my face, applying hopefully magical combination of neosporin & aloe, checking, etc... I remembered the feeling of restlessness or malaise that would often lead to me getting up & getting a mirror & scanning all over my face for any pore to empty.... the scary thing is that even though life is so much easier when my skin is in one piece, I still felt the appeal of getting the mirror & going over all the skin - how it would feel satisfying, cleansing, engrossing. Luckily, that mirror has long been thrown away... I think I would resist, anyway. But I wonder when, if ever, the urge will go away, lose its appeal.

[shihui]

i'm so happy for you that things are turning out great! seems like there was nothing depressing in your last entry. i hope things stay this way for you!

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

I am glad you are doing so well!! I hope it will last.



hoppe

[ameise as guest]

Just a quick update, because things are still going well, and I want to count and document my enjoyable days of ZT.


time of post: 10 pm March 3rd

picking since last post: no.

So,
as noted in my last post
2/26 = ZT
2/27 = ZT

and now I can add
2/28 = ZT
3/1 = ZT
3/2 = ZT
3/3 = ZT


so it's 6 days... and it hasn't felt like a strain.

I know there is almost certain to be more picking here & there. And also, I know the point isn't in accumulating "zt perfection" but rather in the trying and the intention to release this obsession which is non-helpful. But I also want to note to my future self and anyone else, this ZT is feeling good.... part of what is good about it is I am not forcing it,it feels natural no to pick . I sure hope this feeling on non-interest in my face is where I am heading for the long term.

goodnight

ameise

[Nelly]

ameise,

That's really amazing that you've managed to go without picking this long! Way to go! You're an inspiration to me

Nelly

[shihui]

ameise, i seriously think that you're on your way to 21-day ZT soon! hope to see your next post stating that you've added another 6 days of ZT to your collection.

[ameise as guest]

I haven't posted in a while because my dog's health has been declining. All I have wanted to do is spend time with him, and cry - between those things and having to work, I've made time for little else -- not for posting, but not for picking either.

My last post was 3/3 - I was at 6 days of ZT.

I have been noting my picking/ not picking on my calendar - SO

3/4 = ZT
3/5 = ZT
3/6 = ZT
3/7 = ZT
so that was a total of 10 ZT days.

Unfortunately on
3/8 I had a huge pimple, I believe it was of the type described by Nelly on her brother's forehead...
I gave in & popped it (I had resisted it the day before). But I stopped at the one. I didn't damage the skin by popping it - it didn't seem to make it worse - the next day it looked better; now it is totally healed -- but I do wish I had resisted, so I could have seen that it would go away on it's own.

oh well, I did get back to ZT

3/9 = ZT
3/10 = ZT
3/11 = today = ZT so far.... I have been feeling more tempted today because of this stupid lighting in my boyfriend's bathroom . I feel confident I can resist, though, and change the lightbulbs soon.

thank you, Nelly & shihui for the encouragement... as you guys know, it helps to know other people are glad for your progress...

I am sorry I am not posting much/ posting in your threads... I really have been very upset about my dog & balancing that with deadlines at work... It's a rough time. But you know I am wishing for your strength to be pick free many hours and days.

ameise

[ameise as guest]

I am sad.. I picked two spots for about 25 mintutes today. It was a true pick session...

Time of post: 4 pm saturday 03/18/05

Picking since last post: yes

Picking incidents:
For some reason I seem to be breaking out the week after my period these days. Last weekend I picked a couple ready pimples at my boyfriends. I felt bad but not terrible -- I had been doing very well. Lately I've been very occupied with taking care of, thinking about my sick dog. I have also had work deadlines & stress with writing I have to do for work. So, although I picked a little that day, I still felt like I was doing a good job overall with doing the things I needed to do... getting work done in spite of my sadness. spending quality time with my dog... I only spent about 5 minutes on the picking... then the rest of the week, I also had a numer of small picks. It didn't feel as good as ZT, but it didn't feel out of control. I was only spending a few minutes, I was still going to work without make up, etc. I knew I wanted to get back to ZT, but I was having all these small breakouts & I guess I also knew I was using it as a little bit of an escape, a pressure-release valve, to get away from the dog-worries & work-worries.
On friday I developed these two pimples that hurt... they just hurt. I messed with them a little on friday, and I felt forgiving of myself... because they hurt as a result of the built up pressure of the little subsurface infection/pus... I had the thought that picking was somewhat natural: any creature would try to relieve the hurting by getting the infection out. But then this morning I went beyond this semi-normal grooming- I intentionally set down for a pick session -- I sat up on the sink to do what I could to get whatever I could
out of those pimples.
It could have been worse; 25 minutes is not as bad as hours; the damage is "medium."

Another contributing factor to picking today was: my boyfriend's most significant ex-girlfriend (they were together 5 years) will be visiting tomorrow, with her husband & child. I don't think I have any reason to feel threatened/ jealous, but I can't help but imagine I will be compared. Earlier in the week, thinking about her visit stopped me from picking -- I told myself I don't want to feel self-conscious about my skin when she is here... but that logic stopped working.
so her visit is another reason I am upset about this. I will have to meet her feeling self-conscious

Picking today makes me feel like this is thread in the fabric of my life that will always be here. maybe that is okay. it is one thread among many -- other threads are my relationships - with my boyfriend, my dog, my friends, my writing projects are another thread. Work is a thread... etc. and the best I can do is invest in taking care of those other threads... if I am putting my heart & time into those things, they will flourish & there is less time & space for the picking thread...
but today I am sad that it can still surface, rise up & become a major thread.
Given that I only probably have a week or two left with my dog, I am determined not to let picking become the main thing on my mind these days... I want to focus on being "present" with him during this goodbye-time.


Last picking "session": Today, 3/18/05, this morning

Wounds from picking: those two spots are raw & red & swollen

Natural breakouts/ blemishes: a few others.

Overall feeling about the condition of my skin: blah

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

I am sorry about the picking. And also about your dog. I can imagine how painful it must be for you to lose him.

I really hope you get through the next weeks without anymore picking.



hoppe

[ameise as guest]

March 19th

I have not picked any more at those spots, or any others.

Things are going as well as I could hope: My first application of make up was adequate this morning, so I was only a little late to meet my boyfriend & his ex & her family. Driving over there, I felt anxious about my skin, and some feelings of "why am I in this position of self consciousness about my skin again?" But I also felt that it was somewhat different... I didn't feel back to where I have been in the past... I can't think of how exactly, but maybe I felt more confident that I would put this behind me & get out of the pick-zone more quickly than I have at times in the past...

So, meeting his ex went much better than expected - I liked her, I think she liked me, and I felt we connected without feeling that my awareness of my skin was blocking a connection.

I have been leaving these second-skin bandage patches on my two wounds all the time I have been at home & I think they are healing well.

I am hopeful. And my dog is feeling good today.

ameise

[shihui]

ameise, i'm glad to hear that things are positive!

take good care of yourself. hope to hear more good news from you soon!