ameise's occasional journal

[running2stndstill]

Hi Ameise,

Thanks for your post in my journal. And I know what you mean about posting from work- I don't do any of that anymore b/c we don't have any private computers, they are all shared. So everyone is always checking out what everyone else is doing.

Wow- resisting whiteheads is quite the feat. Good for you! How do you resist?

Keep it up,
K

[ameise as guest]

5/17/05

I have been away from the boards because of computer problems & lack of opportunity to post in privacy.

Unfortunately, I picked since I last posted...

It wasn't so bad & my skin is more-or-less healed, but it was pretty dissappointing to me because 1) I felt like I was running down the runway to lift off and fly up into to no-picking sky and 2) it really was a "session" ... and it made me see that those thought patterns, ways of feeling about my skin (the urge to empty every pore, to be thorough around a particular pimple, the ability to become focused on the micro-topography) are still a part of me, and can still be activated.

The pick-session was: friday 5/13, for about 40 - 45 minutes, then another 15 -20 minutes of steaming, re-checking, a couple more finishing touches...

It came about after I had been resisting an unusually bad series of menstrual-related breakouts that had been there for a week... I had been doing really well in resisting... only lightly scratching & pinching a couple bumps while making my 20 minute commute home... but no picking in the mirror.

On friday, though, it was as if I just reached my threshold of telerance for feeling like there were all these bumps and waxy-filled pockets on my skin. even before arriving home, I had made the decision that I was going to get rid of these things to whatever extent I could.

I went ahead & let myself try to get rid of every one ....

Again, something saddening about this: lately I have been thinking that in addition to having mostly pick-free days, something different about my picking is that I no longer "dig" -- I don't break my skin, I seem to have learned that I can make these subsurface things come out...& that trying to force that only irritates them more, they must come out or dissappear on their own

Well, for the most part, I still abided by those lessons.... but I did get really focused on one spot in particular, coming back to it, thinking more infection or clog cells might be ready on the second & third visit, also trying to clear out every pore around that spot, trying to make it all as even/ smooth as possible, thinking that would help in the overall state of the thing.... basically just getting into the state of obsession.

well, I didn't break skin beyond what occurred through the popping of the pimple-heads.

(sorry this post is graphic)

that night, my skin actually felt better, like it was finally free of the clogs,

but the next couple days it felt irriated, like there was this dry crusty layer & some spotes were more irritated...

reminding me: I can't fix my skin. I can change things, but overall the result will be no better. more likely worse.

I haven't done any more major picking, but over the weekend I was still quite focused on the spots, pulling off drying skin, & popped a couple resulting small whiteheads...

Now I'm ready to get back to the non-picker state of mind.... here I go.

also, to note for myself, the main thing that prompted me to give in & pick was being tired of resisting, fed-up with reisisting -- (I even had the thought 'my reward for resisting this whole week is now I get to pick').... but also friday I went briefly to a conference for work that drew my attention to the ways I am not fulfilled in my job, how in spite of 10 years of knowing what I want to do, never being able to find or get that type of job in a place I want to live..... the conference just set off this way of seeing a dichotomy of people with "meaningful" work and those of us whose ships have not come in... and I felt like "what am I doing wrong..."

so, those discouraged thoughts about my Life's Work almost certainly also contributed to my lowered-resistance to picking...

long post.

ameise

[ameise guest]

Little vow/goal
Since giving into the picking urge last Friday, I haven’t done any major picking, but I have picked a little here and there…. some resulting infections and trying to make sure all was thoroughly addressed. It is hard – one pimple that I barely touched healed with a bump remaining… as if there is still substance that need to be gotten out…. BUT – in a week and a day my bf & I are going on a trip to my home state – to see many old friends I haven’t seen in a long time, to go to the wedding of a fellow I once had a major crush on…. Possible pressure factors, but I am going to try to use it all as motivation… I want to be ZT until then – I will try….

[K not signed in]

Hi ameise,

Thank you for your honesty. And it sounds like you have such a great insight into your process and times that you might be more vulnerable. I find it is bizarre, like part of the brain just takes over, even though we have a part of us that knows we will not be happy with the end result. I guess we need to work on strengthening that part, just like a weak muscle.

Good luck on your prep for the upcoming trip. Do it for yourself most of all.

Take care,
K

[shihui]

hey ameise, good luck with the upcoming events. i hope everything will go well for you. and glad to hear that you're taking things positively, ameise!

[ameise as guest]

Thanks shihui & K

Shihui, I read in you journal that you are through the first round of exams... congratulations, and I hope the second round goes smoothly, without too much stress & anxiety.

K, I like your metaphor of the "the ability to resist picking " being like a weak muscle that needs exercise... that is a great way to think of it... because that helps remind us that even when we "fall of the wagon" the strengthening we've done until then isn't lost... we just encountered a point where the temptation exceeded the strength.



Let's see... I had the vow/ goal to be ZT until this coming thursday.

not quite...

Thank goodness I have been ZT/ pick-free with that one troublesome spot ... it is getting better, but the first days it just so much looked like it was going to remain as this perpetually tempting bump unless I could purge out what was still in there... I felt so much like I needed to get it out & then let it heal with a blank slate... but then I kept reminding myself that the days before I had tried to get it completely cleaned out/ empty & it didn't work & it just made it worse... so why did I think the next day would be different. And I am glad I resisted it... it's looking much better.

Unfortunately for my total ZT goal/ vow, I picked 3 little whiteheads (on separate occasions). I don't know... sigh.. I guess I was thinking that my last pick session partly resulted from this sense of build up... both a build up of clogged pores/ pimples & a build up of tension from suppressing my urge to deal with the breakouts..,

so, I rationalized that I would be just as well picking those 3 because then the stress wouldn't build up...

I am feeling quite uncertain lately about whether the best thing is to try to have no picking at all or to allow a little "normal" picking/ grooming....

It seems that sometimes I am vulnerable to having a little "normal" picking/ grooming turn into a slipery slope, other times I don't feel vulnerable to that.

I can't tell if totally suppressing all picking makes me more vulnerable to a "session" when I do finally give in...

I know that ZT feels GREAT sometimes....

who knows?

but, for now, things are okay

Oh, I had a dream about CSP last night... a little negative... I was watching a close up of two sets of hands sort of peeling a scab off a little csp wound... making it smoother, but leaving a little of it raw becasue the scab wasn't quite ready. In my mind came the thought "will they (the two people whose hands they were) ever finish their conversation about this/ about csp?" (for some reason I used the word 'conversation' - I think I meant 'mental conversation/ chatter about skin, picking, etc.) Then the thought changed to "Will she/I ever, in this life, finish this conversation with myself?" Then I woke up....

apparently having some fears that this is just "me"

ameise

[ameise as guest]

June 2, 2005

just back from vacation to Maryland

good news on not-picking...

my last post was may 22nd, and I reported having picked a couple of whiteheads a few days before ...

But I think it is possible that I haven't picked at all since then! (I am not entirely sure, because the week of the 23rd - 26th, getting ready for the trip, was very busy & I didn't have time to post/ keep track)

I know for sure that I didn't pick on vacation or the day before I left, though, so it's been at least 8 days, possibly up to 10...

It's because the trip was so busy... no time, no place to pick... but also no desire.... almost no thoughts about my skin, except when putting on make up for the wedding I attended, but even those weren't negative thoughts, just assessments.

It's amazing how being out of the context of your normal routine/ place can almost seem to dispel CSP entirely... I hope that these periods are good practice at not-picking, help strengthen the non-picking thought channels.

I am back at work, not as much time as I would like to read posts, but I am looking forward to reading how everyone is doing - I hope well,

ameise

[ameise as guest]

June 6th 2005

unfortunately I have not maintained zt since returning home...
on Friday at my boyfriend's mirror (I guess ours now), empty house, several small pimples and bump, but not harsh skin-breaking, probably about 6 - 8 spots... about 8 minutes, I think... I stopped myself at one point thinking about the boards, about everyone struggling with this same problem. But after showering I went to one spot (an old troublesome one from before my vacation) that I can frustratingly tell still has this little plug under the healed skin (blah. why do I see and care about these things?)

Since then, 2 little pimples/ spots yesterday, one blackhead today.

No, it's not ZT.

But, after succumbing on Friday, I was glad to realize that it wasn't just the being back at home, it was also the start of my period, a vulnerable time...

These picks weren't destructive... although one broke the skin a little, it wasn't much, I left it alone subsequently, it is fine now, I've been going around with out make up---

they've not interfered with my life...

except in the sense that I'm having this little voice in my head saying:

this is just part of you... you will probably always struggle not to pick too much, to keep picking within the bounds of "normal" grooming..

I am having a hard time knowing if the best thing is just to accept this as a likely life-long thing I'm going to just have to watch & watch out for -- rather than wanting to be done with it, to quit, and then having these slip ups feel discouraging....

oh, maybe picking is just discouraging, that is part of the package, and that's the part that we would hope we would gradually learn to respond to by not doing it, or by doing it much less...

None of this is big news,

But I think the value of this journal for me is to give me perspective… if I think “I am in the same hole as ever", to look back and see some up times; or when I think “I used to have this picking problem much more severely than now” to be able to look back & really see when was the last time picking made me want to hide – if it was really only a month ago, then that is not so far in the past…to remember I still need to be cautious, etc...

So this is where I am today.

ameise

[ameise as guest]

June 9, 2005

I think I have squeezed one pimple and one blackhead since I last posted 3 days ago. That is fine with me.

My skin is overall well, 2 naturally forming pimples, which I have left alone, perhaps still left over from menstrual hormones.

I read some stuff on the Self Injurious Skin Picking (SISP) website.

I read about their stop-picking-program that you have to pay to subscribe to...

I think the journaling I have been doing is pretty similar to what they recommend...

journaling to keep track of all your picking events... to see where & when you are vulnerable.

however, I don't think the "replacement" activities they suggest (like hand clenching) or the band-aid/ glove preventative would really help me... for me, it is so much about the specific physical process: the satisfaction & need to get the seemingly innappropriate clogs out of my skin (not just about releasing tension)... and when I decide I am going to give into the urge, it is a conscious decision, so the gloves or bandaids would come off.

The one major thing that could probably help is mirror/ lighting changes/ removal... but I can't change my office's bathroom. And until I tell my boyfriend I can't do much to the bathroom at home... perhaps he wouldn't question softer light...

But other things I took from the SISP materials...

1) they say that getting over CSP won't neccessarily mean ZT forever or always... it just means not having it affect your larger life in negative ways... I think I am well on my way to having that be the case -- at least for now, and most of the time.

I was glad to read that, because although I would love to just be entirely free of this, it also feels like less pressure to know that the goal doesn't have to be "perfection of no picking"

2) in their program, once you meet your "picking goals" for 4 weeks in a row, you enter into "maintenance mode"... I thought that was interesting: that 4 weeks is "enough" to be somewhere different with your picking.

also, again, interesting that just meeting whatever goals you set is good enough --- those goals don't have to be ZT... I guess meeting your goals shows that you are 'in control'.

So, maybe I will set a week-long goal:

Between today and next Thursday the 16th I intend to have at least 3 ZT days and never to pick for more than 5 mintues & never to break my skin (only allow myself 'cleansing'/ gentle extraction type skin-intervention if I need it/ want it).

I just had a momentary feeling of amazement again, like whenI first found this website, that there are so many with this very same problem.

so unexpected, how much better it would have made me feel -- if only I could have know those many times when this made me feel so alone when I was younger.

strange, amazing world & life,

Best luck everyone

ameise

[ameise as guest]

Let’s see,

My last post was Thursday, June 9th. Now it is Monday the 13th.

I had better get busy with ZT if I want make that 3-day ZT goal.

So far, I have been DG everyday -- I have been meeting my goal of not staying at the mirror for more than 5 minutes, & not doing any damaging, skin-breaking face picking…but I don’t think I have had a single day of ZT…I think I picked at least one little blackhead or something each day. I guess I haven’t been trying absolutely not to pick, just keeping an eye on myself not to move beyond the particular clogged pore/ bump that I decide needs to go.

So, the good, cup-half-full side is: no picking wounds, skin isn’t interfering with my life, & I am not breaking out.

The worst picking-related thing/ behavior/ choice I made: on Friday I got some disappointing news that a creative writing piece I submitted to a literary magazine was rejected… I guess I had my hopes up – and the news (along with some other rejections) has made me wonder if I have overestimated how interesting/ appealing my writing will be to others… and makes me wonder about the place for creativity in my life in general…

so, right after getting this news, I went to the bathroom – I knew I wouldn’t allow myself to touch my face, because I knew that with that feeling of frustration & disappointment, I would be prone to doing damage, but I did spend some time focusing on removing an ingrown hair on my breast/ near my nipple… it was deeply under the surface, and required extensive tweezer use, and caused a scab… but I’ve got to say it was truly satisfying to get it out… or maybe what I mean is: if I’d done all that scraping & digging & not accomplished the goal, it would’ve felt a lot more gross, a lot more like a non-worthwhile behavior than it did….and, doing that was a million times better (for me) than picking my face… I won’t keep checking/ messing with the scab – it’ll just heal because it isn’t something I have to be self conscious about all the time… digging at an ingrown hair is not good, and it’s something to keep track of/ be aware of (so it doesn't become a repeated pattern)… but it was a better choice than face picking.

Overall, I don’t feel like am I currently biochemically/ hormonally prone to picking/ focusing on my skin, but work and uncertainty about how to bring *creative fulfillment* into my life are feeling stressful & making me have an anxiousness & tension that I can tell could convert to picking.
So I am going to try to be careful.
ameise

[ameise as guest]

Wednesday the 15th.

Yesterday I was in such a “picky” state of mind… it was because I have a lot of work to do for my job, the pressure is on to complete it, but I have been having a hard time focusing — it’s a version of writers’ block. In part, I just don’t want to do it, and keep coming back to thoughts about how this work is not what I want for my “life’s work.”

Well, I am making progress with that work today, but yesterday I planned to work at home…(sometimes working at home really is the best way for me to get on-track & get my thoughts organized) but I didn’t want to do the stuff I had to do & I was having a hard time…every time I tried to focus on a section of my chapter that needed revision, my eyes felt blurry & it felt like things were closing in inside my brain (at one point it even seemed like the way I’ve heard minor panic attacks described).

First I took some time off & just read for pleasure in the lawn chair. But then I went inside to get-to-work… instead I went to the bathroom. I was determined not to pick my face, but I started examining the scab I created with that ingrown hair on my breast the other day. I ended up picking it off, even though I knew it wasn’t healed underneath. I guess I thought maybe the edges were ready to come off, which would leave me with a smaller scab, which I thought would’ve been better. But, really… why would I care? Why would I attempt to whittle it down to a smaller scab, knowing I was risking setting the healing process back. It’s not like a scab on my face that I am covering with make-up… I’m wearing clothes all the time, being naked only in the dark. Some of the choices I make really are crazy… there is this part of me that so much thinks I can take matters into my own hands and “fix” or improve them… but that so rarely proves true. I guess there is also some part of me that is also almost like a mad-scientist… I think there are times that my desire to pick at something is so strong, that even if you showed me a picture of how the thing would look when I was done with it, I still wouldn’t stop myself. So, anyway, after much cleansing & ointment-ing of that scab-less spot, I spent a bunch of time tweezing hairs on my leg…. Obviously, I was desperate for some form of picking, but I did not let myself pick my face. I leaned in to look several times. But the desire to pick my face was actually not that strong… some little bumps were tempting, but I knew my desire Not-to-pick my face was greater than the temptation of those bumps.

The picky-activities I engaged in reminded me of how one major cause for me is stress / deadlines -- mixed with not being able to focus – mixed with procrastination -- mixed with anxiety/ dissatisfaction with the extent to which fulfilling work/ art is a part of my current life.

I would love to think those seemingly impenetrable states of mind when I can’t seem to get through what I need to would go away, not be a part of my life, if I found the right work… but maybe not, maybe I just need to find the right way to deal with them. Eventually they seem to melt a little like blocks of ice, or like clouds parting… part of me would like to give myself license to just walk away from the task at hand when they come up, knowing I won’t be effective… because the alternative I chose yesterday, and have chosen often before, is picking in some form, because is can be so engrossing, entirely distracting. And if the alternatives are let myself forget about it temporarily or distract myself with picking, I know which is better…

The spot where I picked the scab off is okay today, but yesterday it did not look so good… it looked like it needed care & it hurt a little bit. I wanted to keep checking on it, as if one time I looked it was suddenly going to have improved. I also had this frustrated feeling of having been in that situation before… having a wound just like this is so familiar… I know what is needed. Disinfection will help, but mostly time… that feeling of want to speed the healing along…it was frustrating to be in that familiar place with a self-created wound.
But then I also thought, just because this is the same situation physically as other wounds, do I really have to be in the same place with it mentally… has all the effort I have put into not-picking, into trying to understand & get beyond it… has that changed where I am on this “journey?” And I thought: “yes,” it has to have… and, somewhat, that thought comforted me, and I was able to not think about the wound so much, and eventually do some reading that I needed to do, etc…

[ameise as guest]

Today is thursday the 16th,

one week after I made my first set of week-long goals.

If I can get through today without picking (I think I can) I will have managed the 3 days of ZT that I wanted.

I also managed to not pick for more than 5 minutes at a time or cause damage/ skin breaking on my face.

so, in a way, I met my goals...

But, what I didn't anticipate was that I'd be feeling extremely picky & would end up doing damage trying to get out an ingrown hair on my breast...

So, my new goals for this coming week:

Once again, for my face -

I want to have 3 days of ZT

I don't want to do any damaging picking, nor spend more than 5 minutes picking...

Since I have been finding myself very picky-minded this week, I don't want my goals to be too hard/ to add to stress, so,

For other parts of my body-

I don't want to do any damaging/ skin breaking picking or in-grown hair removal.

I don't want to spend more than 10 minutes picking anywhere else on my body.

If I am feeling very picky, I will let myself pluck hairs on my legs... to let that be my little private pick/ self-focused/ "purification" world.

Writing out these goals, they sound like the machinations of nutcase... but it WAS my 3-day ZT goal that kept me from touching my face at all these last few days...

Overall, in trying to stop picking, I have been very uncertain as to whether attempting ZT is the best way...

sometimes it seems that any picking at all sustains the mental pathways, and can become a slippery slope to increased picking & full pick sessions

sometimes it seems that forcing ZT results in a build up of stress/ angst that "explodes" into a bout of damaging picking

So, maybe a good thing will be this combination of allowing minimal picking when it feels "needed" by still practicing some days of ZT (to remind myself that it can be done, and can feel good, and has value)

I hope to one day be at a place with picking where I don't feel like I have to monitor myself.

ameise

[hoppe]

Ameise, I hope you will reach your goals. And I hope that you sometimes allow yourself to feel happy about the progress you have made. You have come such a long way.

Take care,
hoppe

[ameise as guest]

Thanks, hoppe. It always means a lot to know that you, or others on the board, are wishing me success.

And you know I am wishing the same for you.

Today is Monday June 20th.

I haven't picked since I last posted on the 16th, which is good -- but is has also been something of a whirlwind of days, part of the time out of town... so the busy-ness made it easier.

I am going to take a minute to review my journal… to look back on my most recent incidents that felt like CSP exerting an unhealthy influence in my life:

My last “pick-session” for my face was May 13th. (over a month – that’s pretty good for me, I think)

On June 6th I also picked more than I wanted to…it wasn’t a true “session,” but it was uncomfortably close… I could feel the slippery slope. (It was not really damaging, I squeezed about 6-8 blackheads/bumps for about 8 minutes, then dragged myself away, then went back for a couple more minutes, then stopped myself again),

Then there was the damaging ingrown hair extraction near my nipple on Friday June 10th, and the subsequent picking off of that scab on Tuesday June 14th. Ended up focused on that because I was really trying to avoid picking my face. The scab is still there, but healing well.

By going through these things, I am not trying to focus on the negative… I just wanted to 1) get a sense of how frequent these times have been recently and 2) also to just remember them, to remind myself that these are not states-of-mind and being that I want to bring about.

Good luck all,

ameise

[ameise as guest]

Also, worth noting for myself & my efforts to understand the patterns:

my skin has very few breakouts right now. Just one small whitehead...

It is 2 weeks and 2 since the start of my last period.

Maybe if I can see/ document that there will predictably be times when my skin is relatively break-out free, I'll be able to convince myself to patiently wait for those times when I do have breakouts.