workwithmenow

[anonymousartist]

ehh, getting frustrated that I can't just be done with picking already. My skin is getting a lot better. I guess I'm getting more control. I guess I can't expect to be able to do it all at once and be perfect. I guess I really have to drop that expectation, since it seems to hinder me. Getting frustrated at some other things, but nothing I won't get over I guess.

[anonymousartist]

Oh shit. I just realized that next week I am going back down to the city where I went to college to hang out with some friends. We will probably be going out and drinking and looking cute. Shit, I need clear skin! Now I know I can cut down drastically on picking if I really try. I will have to keep this all in mind. I want to be able to wear something sleeveless and not feel like a scabby freak. Boo to scabs.

One week. It's enough time. It's amazing the difference even a couple days makes.

[anonymousartist]

Ready for bed, treated with aloe and concealer with salicylic acid. Going to work hard on this the next week. I want to be cute on Friday! haha. Well, it's really not such a bad idea to envision clear skin to help me stop picking, as long as my actions mirror my intended result (ie I can't keep picking and at the same time feel like I'm making progress and will have clear skin, and like, whoa, that could actually be a major revelation but I don't care to elaborate at the moment. Ok, maybe I do. Here's the thing: when I really hit a major turning point in losing weight and my body image, it was because I started seeing new features of myself, cheekbones, shoulderblades, collarbones, and I got a hunger for it. I wanted more. I wanted to see it through. I wanted it bad. And I know now that no matter what emotionally was going on, what reasons I had no control, it was ultimately eating and not getting enough exercise that made me gain all that weight in the first place and wishful thinking could only do so much. When my actions started mirroring my intentions I started to see more and more results. I have to do this with picking!!!)

So, wishful thinking will not stop picking.
I have to act in conformity of the results I want to achieve.

Obvious: yes.
Still needs to be drilled into my head anyway: yes.

[anonymousartist]

Not perfect or anything (isn't that a dirty word anyway?) but so far I am rockin' the ZT. Looking in the mirror and seeing nicer skin. Only a few minor picks. I guess I didn't have to leave the really bad spots alone all that long for them to get themselves under control. My chin had been getting really raw. So I feel more hopeful now.

Trying extra hard to stay off my face is helping me to also try and stay off my chest and arms and anywhere else (wow, I guess I really am an all-over picker. c'est la vie).

I'm tired. Stayed up too late last night. Have been spending too much time on the internet (not even doing or finding anything interesting). I think I should get some books to read. All I really got done today was some swimming and some dishes. But hey, it's something. Felt a lot more relaxed watching tv without the computer in the rooom, heh. My mom wasn't around all day and the minute she walks in the door I'm tense.

Whatever, I'm going to get up earlier in the mornings and have more time to myself and only me. I like an empty house. I've liked it since the first time I was left home alone (I had a pretty big family growing up). I've always liked some time to myself.

I'm excited about going to hang with friends Friday! And like, actually excited, not anxious. Good stuff.

No perfection. No pressure

[anonymousartist]

Still not perfect, but I'm still kickin' it, I guess. Better skincare, less picking = better skin.

My mom made a comment about my skin being clear. I told her it was because she wasn't around to stress me out yesterday. haha. Partly true.

I need to get out of here already, but I can't deal with everyone's attittude towards it, including my own. So fuck 'em. Trying not to worry about the results. Trying mostly to work on the beginning phases.

[anonymousartist]

damn picky fingers! oh well, try try again. had a good run today. Actually got up early. Was pissed at a bunch of people last night. I give up on these crackers. Haha. Better off without a guy than attached to ones who don't care. I think I have a raging case of PMS.

[anonymousartist]

not doing too bad. A couple relapses here and there. But I guess improvement is the important thing. I'm not sure if taking the asprin helped with anything (only tried it once so far) but it might have done something. I'm hoping it'll help my razorburn. I'm not sure if it upset my stomach though, and if that continues I won't be able to keep taking it (I really never take the stuff).

No running today. It's raining on and off (tropical storm off the coast) and I think I've got shin splints that need resting anyway. Gaining weight all of a sudden, but it's probably muscle + water + PMS. blah to that. Makes me paranoid even though I know I'm not really doing anything crazy enough to make me gain a lot of weight (or fat, anyway). Oh well. I bought a bunch of healthy food yesterday so I should be good to go. I'm going to make pita wraps

[anonymousartist]

Things are still about the same. Going to hang with friends tomorrow and not going to worry about it. My face is looking a lot clearer which is nice.

(that was the lamest ER commercial I've ever seen).

My mom managed to piss me off again. I whined at someone about it and cried a little. He wasn't much help, but I needed someone/something. Could be worse though. I bounced back a bit. Last year I probably would've wanted to kill myself over it. I just can't stand the way things are. I can't wait to get out of here. I need to make it happen myself, which is difficult/scary. I don't have much guidance. I could really use that.

[anonymousartist]

I know I haven't updated this in a while. In the past few days, despite a mean bout of PMS, my skin, at least on my face, is quite clear. I'm picking much less, very little, even. The compulsion is still there. I still want to. But a little conscious effort is helping. (Can't get desired results if actions do not match intentions). I guess I shouldn't try for perfect, but I want to stay in this space. I feel much more confident going out with my skin not looking a mess. Not that it matters how confident I am going out, seeing as I still hate this town

It's probably helping also that for one, I've been running. It helps me get my mind and body working better. I feel much better on days I run. It's also not so hot out so I'm not sweating as much when I do run, and I bring a baby wipe with me so if I do sweat a lot I can wipe it off my face immediately. Oh, and I've been sticking to a better skincare regimen, just washing with Neutragena Pore Refining Cleanser in the shower and before I go to bed is helping (sometimes I'm too lazy to wash before bed). Although, I don't really recommend this cleanser because it can make blemishes feel a little harder to the touch. When I first started using it I noticed it was a trigger for me to pick my face. Helps also on days where I bother to get dressed (sad, isn't it? But I like my pj's) I moisturize and then put on some Neutragena powder with salicylic acid (haha, I'm not a Neutragena rep I swear! Some other companies like Avon make this too, but there was one I didn't like as much because it didn't have a high enough concentration. The Avon one was good though).

I dunno if I'm still being jerked around by that guy or what. Is it jerking around if you're conscious of it and still kinda want in, just a little? But anyway, he went on leave, and of course didn't have seeing me in his plans, which sucked. And then he moved. No way I would drive out to where he is now, so that's not a worry. But I think he's going to be doing something else with himself in the near future. Life's not treating him well where he is. I want to move somewhere other than here. I have no idea if we'll ever end up in the same place at the same time again (only a chance meeting a couple years ago). It's possible though. Does it really matter where I stand on my feelings for him if there's no one else? It's not like I'm throwing away opprotunities to be with him. (I'm throwing them away all on my own, most definitely). It's not like he would even tell me to do so, or let me, or be useful about it either. He is a waste of my time, but I like wasting it on him. Maybe I just never got this kind of attention from someone I felt this strongly for. It's not like there's someone else though, that I'm shoving away or anything. I wouldn't mind finding someone else. I dread for him to find someone first. That sound you'll hear will be my heart breaking.

I need some tea and some breakfast. I gotta get out and hit the pavement. I'm sticking to this damnit. My stomach is getting smaller!!

[anonymousartist]

Falling back a bit into this ole habit. Feeling a little down (didn't have my caffeine today, didn't do anything useful, probably won't hear from what's his face, refuse to IM him first tonight. Stupid games, go in circles).

Going to try and get some work done. I need to always get started earlier. I would get so much done.

Keep on truckin'.

[anonymousartist]

Hi, and thanks for reading. I really haven't been updating much. I am feeling the need to attack this more full force as well, if for no other reason than I'm sick of seeing red (or faded purple) spots on my body and I need to take responsibility for the fact that I am causing them. Plus I know full well now that I cause more breakouts by picking and not letting the skin heal itself. I guess I'm just becoming more conscious of the fact that I am causing this, and that if I want it over with my actions have to match my intentions. And I do want it over with. As I get older I just don't heal as fast and I want clear skin already!

As far as the guy being worth my time or not, it's complicated. I moved from NY to FL when I was 14. I knew him up in NY so he's just about the only connection I have who's about my age from there. It's a connection I'm not really ready to give up and he does have potential as a friend. There's some kind click with him that I don't feel from guys down here. But on the other hand he's not interested in me quite as much as I am in him and he's not incredibly open to me. I'm in a place right now where I'm not interested in anyone else (I hope to be leaving this town soon). But if things don't progress I'll move on from him.

Good luck on your journey towards not picking anymore. I'm certain we can do it. I mean, we started it, right? So we can end it.

[anonymousartist]

Goddamndamn (new word). I had this large coke at the movies, so not just large coke, movie theatre large coke. I don't drink that much caffeine usually, so I'm not really falling asleep (in fact, I think I'll pop a benedryl, oh yes). It's 4 in the morning! grr.

I've taken to reading. I've ordered books to read just for the entertainment value of moi. Something about it's supposed to shut off the ego, the thinking part of the brain (this is not my original idea in any way shape or form). I think it is having some effect.

I was thinking (ooh there's that devil word) that maybe I still pick despite better judgement because I'm not ready to have smooth skin. I have a bit of an attitude. I hope it comes off as edgy. Maybe in a way because I'm a little hard on the inside, I can't help but want to be a little hard on the outside. And perhaps this is a way of expressing it.

At least one good thing has come up. Through some writing I did on my livejournal, I realized, and am starting to embrace, that maybe through the right channels, I can learn to love my work again. No, I'm not working a paying job yet. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't enjoy the process of finding one and that I shouldn't find my own pieces and things that I create to be fulfilling. Fuck the doubt. Fuck the criticism. Fuck the fear. I became a designer (them's authoritative words) because I wanted to learn design and I still want to design. Furthermore, I want to design as an artist (and fuck the idea that as a designer I'll never have another show. I am an artist, still. I am a designer. I have the goddamned Bachelor of Fine Arts to prove it). There are projects I want to love and be and do and publish and show. And I'm not going to live under everyone's stigma that the the next part of the road has to be a bumpy, shitty portion.

And while I was trying to sleep, in my waking, I guess I never fell asleep, I finally worked out an idea for my leave-behind piece (this is generally the piece that gets a person a job) and it's my idea and it's not based on every other idea I've seen and I see it working and I am actually excited to work on something new. I've already done the rough sketch so I won't forget what I was after). I've also come up with a couple "me project" ideas.

Now what I've got to do is embrace PROCESS. There is not perfectionism in this gig. It's times like these when I come up with all these ideas that I wonder if I'm bipolar or some shit. But I truly think and hope that I'm hitting a paradigm shift of sorts. I hope I'm coming into my own adulthood as a strong, caring, capable woman. The thing is, for all my fear, I'm so not incapable at all of things. I didn't realize until I did my internship and saw how little others knew, just how much I knew. And tonight I was talking to this guy, I'm sure the info I gave him he will pull right out from under me instead of involving me in his project, but it's not like he couldn't have looked it up on the web or something, and it's not like I gave him creative ideas, but he had a business in mind that was in the same realm that I had in mind for starting of my own, and as I told him these things, I knew that I knew enough to go about doing this kind of business, if indeed it is still truly something I want to do. Although, I don't believe I want to do all the work myself. The thing is that as a designer, I am still young, and surely there are things I could learn from more experienced designers, and it may be good for me to get a job working for some. But maybe I can pull off this business as a side while I am looking. I may re-visit the whole thing.

ciao babies. I don't do the Italian, though. French is the only foreign language I ever took, and for some reason it's the only one I really feel any warmth for. Though I love me this Dutch guy and it is also hella sexy when a guy speaks Russian. I mean, pure sex. I dunno. Anyway, time to go back to this sleep thing. I will never drink that much Coke again.

[Spring Angel]

Hi,

Read your post. Design can be a crap business, because it is very hard to keep all the players happy, and if you are codependent like me, it's tough. I work on the "client" side now. I find that I get a lot more respect working for the client than working for a design firm. This after 26 years of working for design firms. I work for a big utility company now, and I have carpet and furnishings reps falling over themselves to get our business. What a change!

I also had the experience of wanting to do my own business, but not wanting to do it alone. So because I am so codependent I allowed myself to be talked into a partnership agreement, and had to kick the fraud out after 8 months, after which he sued me for a quarter million dollars. I think it took me five years to pay off the attorneys bills, and those were just the bills before my general office insurance stepped in and picked up my defense. So my message of experience is, look before you leap, and anything you can do with someone else you can probably do by yourself, and also, if you seem to be smarter than the average guy, you probably are and why would you need them in business to suck off you. You know? I learn all lessons the very hardest way though.

Hope you don't mind me responding on your progress thread. Love ya, miss ys.

luv,

Spring