workwithmenow

[lin]

me too....
(ie: in response to previous post by anonymousartist)

I wish I could wake up one morning and find my "old" body back. I used to have nice skin once. boo hoo.

[anonymousartist]

I've been beating the crap out of my skin lately. Even zoning out. I know the reasons....frustrated with being here, letting myself be bored, the mirror in the bathroom that's too close, not being in a good routine and the breakouts in general, the picking making the breakouts worse. This sucks. I'm kind of at a loss for what to do. Maybe I'll start reading the other boards. Maybe I need more activity and concentration on not picking. I'm still know I'm going to beat this thing. I don't like it. I need to give myself control. I think I'm also going to read all my old posts in here. I know there was some stuff that helped me before. Maybe I just need to come in this thread and ramble away just to keep myself reminded, but I'm tired of thinking about problems. I'm so sick of them all. I think I'm going to try to take a break from instant messenger. It distracts me. Seeing that guy's sn distracts me. I'd take him off my buddylist but I know I'd just get curious and put him back on later (I've done it before!) I'm getting over him but I'm not over him. I guess I feel like I need to make some kind of decision regarding how to feel about him in the future as well....why? Things might actually change one day. I know I won't do or deal with anything that makes me uncomfortable, anything that's already been tested. I need to keep out of my mind that whole, "someday I'll be perfect and he'll see what a mistake he made" attitude. Things wouldn't work anyway.

I have to go back to the dentist on Thurs and I'm scared. It causes me a ton of anxiety. My mother's been driving me nuts too. I haven't had very many panic attacks since school ended, but she gave me a bad one yesterday, mixed in with social anxiety. I wanted to back out of hanging with some friends really badly (there were other people I didn't know that I wasn't sure if I wanted to hang out with) but I did go hang out and we had fun so I'm glad I went. Really my girlfriends are helping me to make a resolve not to try to change my relationship with my mother anymore....why couldn't I see until just now I was only making things worse? No, it'll never be what I want it to be and it SUCKS. And I'm entitled to whatever resentment it takes to get over that. But I can't change her. I can only change myself. And I can only do better and I can only get out of here.

I think wallowing in depression and denial and anxiety is sort of a half-reality. Some kind of hiding state of mind. It's not helping me. I don't know, maybe I'll cry every day I'm here when it feels appropriate but I will get out of here.

I think I'm going to spend a little less time worrying about what others think of me and more time figuring out what I want for myself and working for it. I deserve it. Everyone does.

[anonymousartist]

I am doing absolute CRAP at not picking. Can I get a "AMEN"? ------"A-MEN"

Where did that come from? Anyway. Yeah, I feel like treating my skin is like patching it back together. Maybe I should stop picking it apart. I am really starting to pay more attention to how this makes my face not look so pretty though (maybe I didn't spend enough time clear when I was younger, plus I had acne). But anyway, I want my prettiness back! So yeah.

And now I'm going to be gushy and stupid about that stupid boy. Ok, I felt like he was seriously ignoring me for over a week. Who knows, maybe I was slightly ignored, but he seemed busy anyway. And then last night I left him some dumb message to his away that I shouldn't have. But today he IMs me and like we chatted for about 4 hours. So my dumb fears that he might have actually been going out of his way to ignore me I guess were unfounded. And I dunno, I'm just playin' the game now. I'm not gonna expect anything. I might hope for something. But I really do want to keep him in my life. There's something familiar about him. I still can't help but wonder why I keep having to fear being ditched or ignored....and I know why, because wow, every guy I've been involved with for some time has treated me like that. And this guy, well he's been a dick a few times, and I've told him off, stood whatever ground I had, and he hasn't dropped me like I'm nothing, at least. I mean I know better than to get too sucked in, I think. I hope. Ahh, but that's the thing...I have hope. But it could just be hope for a friendship too. It's nothing crazy like it was before. It just makes me sad that so many guys have acted like they wanted to be friends only to not really care about me that I have to be so suspicious of every guy now. And I think I'm going to work through that. And I wanna drop my guard and not need that reassurance all the time. And I'm just glad for once I haven't been judged as, "she's desperate and trying too hard and I'm not gonna bother anymore." God, what fuckers. It's so much more healthy to be able to have fun and not need the drama, so umm, I'm trying not to go creating any drama. I really like this guy. Picturing some kind of future with him togetherforever type of thing doesn't really work, but that doesn't make everything hopeless. He seems to be stickin' around. And who the hell knows, we could be in the same city at the same time some time. I just really really needed a healthy relationship with a guy, even if it's just friendship. And if things ever do progress it's better they progress naturally, because I'm not comprimising anyway.

A set of ideals is an endpoint. It's writing the story knowing where it will lead. It's knowing the ending. It's taking out all the suspense and all of the life out of it. Perfectionism is not a way of living but a way of working and sucking the life out of things. So why don't I just start here and let myself be suurprised once in a while?

anything can happen.

[anonymousartist]

La la la. I'm doing a little less picking. Ok, today I caught myself actually wanting to do it for the sake of fun and having something to do. Didn't think I'd get back to that point (don't think I was ever at that point). But I'm going to try and put the health and aesthetic of my skin (because I also feel happier when my skin is clear) ahead of that. Gotta work for consequences and not desire, right? Makes sense, but so difficult.

I survived the dental torture without a major anxiety attack. (lame, but talking with that guy for hours last night, I'm sure helped pick up my spirits and probably helped me not focus on the anxiety. Becuase it just seemed like things were ok between us and I had no reason to worry.) I also made sure to eat some soy because I think there is something to that whole Inositol thing. Although I don't know how I would've managed to get in the car and go if I didn't know it was a long car ride and I could listen to some music the whole way (Damien Rice is soooo soothing. I love his voice). Driving helps calm my nerves.

The thing I realized in the car was that I know the anxiety is getting better. I know this wasn't as bad as the last attack, in fact it was only very slight. It was just the building up of adrenaline. (Adrenaline Bitch could be a cool title for something). And rationally (rationality being such a failure to anyone with anxiety) I know if it's getting better, then I've seen the worst and it can keep getting better, and if it can keep getting better then there's no reason to feel bad about it anymore and maybe no reason to have them at all. Of course, yeah, thinking doesn't stop a chemical reaction that makes you feel like you're going to pass out 'cause you're body is getting ready to either run like hell or kick the shit out of something, which really SUCKS when you're waiting for a dentist to come in because you know you aren't going to do either ('cause in my case I told one off when I was 12 and never came back and that's why I had so many fuckin' cavities!)

I don't know, maybe if I can get through all this I can help someone someday. And dear lord I am certainly not the only person who has this problem with dentists, specifically. Every time I go in there someone is trying to argue their way out of having any kind of serious work done on their teeth which like are really fucked up and need to be pulled. I don't want to be one of them in the future.

So anyway, the good news is that was my last dentist visit for 6 months and they did the cleaning and fillings in an hour, so it was quick. I'm a little sore but not like last time. I only needed one novocain shot (thank god. last time I wouldn't go numb on one side and my jaw was TMJ'ed to hell). And my next appointment is only for a cleaning. I also might need a wisdom tooth out and I still need an implant but that'll come later when I get a job and some money. And after all that shit's done, you can bet your bitchass I want some nice, cosmetic whitening or something! I just have to keep being a dental nazi 'cause having bad teeth is scary, expensive, and not cool.

So anyway, stop picking and start flossing.

I need to go to bed.

[anonymousartist]

I want great skin. I don't want perfect skin. But I want great skin. I want improvement. I want things to get better. So to get this I have to cut back, cut back, cut back some more, and stop picking. And feeling healthy is going to feel so much better than the release I get from picking or the guilt I feel afterward.

[anonymousartist]

So anyway, I slipped up since the last post but I had been doing better, and now I feel I'm doing better again. So, it'll accumulate I hope. I need to pull my life together. Picking's not solving any of my problems. And I do want clear skin. I guess like my weightloss thing, what my friend told me was true: I won't do it 'til I really want it. And yeah it is part as selfish as that. Man, when did life get so screwed up that I'd feel unjustified in wanting to be healthy? When did anyone's life get like that? It makes no goddamn sense. Loss of innocence my ass. There's no reason to always be in pain.

[ashenn]

you are my hero!!!

[anonymousartist]

Haha. thanks Ashenn.

Just a sort of thought. I'm still grazing about picking a bit. Not too bad. I actually got dressed and got out of the house today to help someone run errands.

But anyway, looking in the mirror tonight, I dunno, maybe the lighting is just different in my mom's bathroom, but my skin's starting to age. I know, I'm only 23, and wrinkles and stuff aren't a big problem in my family, which is great, but my skin's starting to look like my mom's, and don't like it. I don't like where it's tan (the tan lines that refuse to go away). And the coloring starting to get uneven. My skin always seemed to bounce back before. I never really felt much consequence to picking. I kind of just saw through all the spots (I was so used to them I guess, I used to pick so much and had a bad complexion for a long time). But it's not going to anymore. These consequences of picking are going to become additive -- maybe permanent. And well, I know everyone's obsessed with tanning but I'm very pale, and well, I wouldn't mind just having very white, clear skin. So, the thing is, the results of picking are going to become worse and worse. I'm only going to get older (and I don't want to become obsessed with that...it's sort of weird for me to see these changes, on top of which, my entire face shape changed since the last 10 pounds I lost. Oh! And I am still losing a little weight. I'm getting back on better eating habits too. I still need more exercise but I do get in the pool). But anyway, if I was doing damage when I was younger, I didn't see it and I didn't care. And is it any surprise? I did a lot of damage to my body when I was younger. I gained so much weight and I didn't take care of my teeth and I put my skin through so much.

So I don't want to do any more damage. I really need to continue working at not picking anymore, and not act like everything's ok if it's not.

I also had another thought. Sometimes when I get all perfectionist about stopping picking and convince myself that I'll really stop forever, I'll say something to myself like, yeah this'll be my last pick. And then of course it's like it's got to be a good one (and if it was a good one I'd just want another). Really though, that's not realistic. I don't need to put that pressure on myself. I mean even if I quit cold turkey tomorrow what are the odds I go through the rest of my life without popping one more zit? But that doesn't mean it'll always have to be a habit or a coping mechanism or give me more enjoyment than I can control. There are plenty of things I enjoy that I am capable of living without for as long as I need to.

I'm starting to do better things for myself. Not everything has to be a crisis. I don't have to start at the finish line either.

That's it, yo.

[anonymousartist]

well I was doing ok not picking but then I seriously spaced out this evening. I think maybe 'cause I'm sort of neglecting basic needs like staying hydrated and getting up and getting things done. Anyway. I'm gonna try yet again to go to bed a little earlier (well, earlier than 3 am). I really really need to get my ass out of bed at an hour before it gets too hot outside and get some decent aerobic excercise. I am losing weight a tiny bit at a time despite not being in the best of routines, which at least makes me feel happier. Yeah so, that's it. Try again tomorrow. Really try. That's all I can do, right?

[anonymousartist]

just a thought....

...I think it sucks that I look at these red spots in the mirror and think, "all I have to do to get rid of these is leave them all alone" and so far I can't. And then I feel slightly stupid. Picking goes on the list of, "not the smartest moves I've made in life." But I'm only 23 and I hope I don't have to really take responsibility for all that goddamn shit just yet. I just hope I can escape it before time catches up.

[anonymousartist]

off topic and all.

I hate bush and I hate his fucking war.

[anonymousartist]

So this morning I woke up a little earlier than usual. I definitely need to exercise more. I felt groggy when I go up but well rested for once. I'm sure it helped to have tired myself out yesterday by trying to keep a little busy. Anyway, I survived the morning trip to the bathroom and even with an ugly sore that wants to be picked (hah, yeah, like it has any feelings) I left my face alone. So, nice start anyhow. It's a little hot out and I'm not sure if the weather will be finicky and I have sore muscles from running yesterday (first time I went in a while) but I think I shall try and get out again today. I wanna keep it up. Even if I only walk it'll do me some good. Hmm...I should make a playlist or something for my ipod.

[anonymousartist]

Well, thank you desitin for undoing half the work I did on my face last night. I spaced out again. I hate when I do that. I'm probably not drinking enough water lately and I tend to become retarded when I do that.

I'm picking a little, but I must just keep trying to stop. I'm starting to feel really bad about trying to flatten this big one even though the only thing coming out is the clear liquid which I know is really my skin trying to heal itself. Yeah, I'm not helping it along. Stupid!

Anyway, I think I'm going to go running or something. I kind of need to. And it helps me a lot with just, well, everything. Helps keep my head clear.

And holy shit at New Orleans. Its just hard to even believe what's going on there.

[anonymousartist]

Ok so I'm doing good today so far. Only obliterated one tiny whitehead which honestly just disappeared at the touch of a fingernail. I popped the shit out of the big thing on my chin last night and hate to say it but it's doing better than it was. I treated it with concealer with salicylic acid. There's a thing my temple which is probably more like a hive and a little hard to keep hands off but there's no change of popping it right now and perhaps I will pass on trying altogether. I'll try not to do any of them anymore.

Waiting for the sky to clear up so I can go for a walk or go running. I was dropping weight like crazy. I think that is over. I'm gaining muscle and so I'll probably start to gain a little weight and loss will slow down. Plus I don't think I was eating enough which is never good. Things get so much less encouraging at this point. But if I keep going I'll keep losing weight. I figure at this point if I keep working at this, I could really hit my goal in two months. I weigh about 166 today. Five years ago I weighed 215. My goal is about 145. I might like it a little lower but I might not need to lose any more weight after that. I might still want to. But I'm not going to kill myself over it. But also, my way of getting there is healthy and makes me feel happier in general so hopefully I will keep up these habits anyway. I can just sort of start to imagine a day where I start realizing I have to eat more to remain active and to stop losing weight. I don't want to be overly skinny. I want to be healthy. Muscular would be great, but I might have to change my routine for that, although by then I may have the means.

This is all helping me step up my game in getting work done on my resume (the current part of my bigger project) as well. It's also tiring me out at night so I can fall asleep earlier, although I keep waking up in the middle of the night. I guess that'll go away when I get into a better routine as well. I'm hoping it'll also help keep stress down and give me a more restful sleep. More restful sleep = less stress overall too. Maybe I just need to do more work so I can feel satisfied at the end of the day.

Also need to keep my mom from breathing down my neck about any of it. This is my life to manage and I certainly can't manage it under her. Mainly because she's not the manager type. She merely tries to tell me what to do without any sense of reality or spatial relations. Obviously I can't just snap my fingers and have it all done or I would already, damnit.

Ok, *stops rambling*. While I wait for the damn weather to decide if it's gonna be shitty, I guess the dishes could use doing.

And I am loving this Tom McRae cd which I hadn't been smart enough to listen to yet.

[anonymousartist]

I should have gone to bed hours ago.

Here is the thing: picking does not fit in with my current belief system. I do not believe that it is at all healthy to be ripping apart my skin, not with all I know. And if there's anything that's motivated me recently, it's health. So I don't care what I'm "saying" with my skin, walking around with it fucked up. It's not good to take out pressure and anxiety on my skin. If I need a better outlet I need to find it, and I need to find it now.

Of course this all differentiates from the simple habit and compulsion of skin-picking, which I think can only be beat by simply not repeating the action.

just thoughts.