workwithmenow

[anonymousartist]

Morning. Have a lunch date with my friend. No time to pick yet, and if I do things right there won't be time the rest of the week because I have no choice but to suck it up and get this shit out of my apartment and into my mom's house 2 hours away. I hate moving. I doubt my sister will still help, wait, she still hasn't bought a car, or gotten these fucking couches out of here....why? Because she is incompetant and also went to fucking san francisco or something for the week with her church group. I won't get started on that. I need a shower so I can meet my friend for organic food. Mmmmm chicken salad!!

[anonymousartist]

My level of picking is going down lately. I'm getting better control. Dunno if it helps to write about it, but it probably does, to keep it in my head that I want to stop. I want to stop having the urge. Someday I will. Mostly I've been picking when bored or tired or a combination of both.

And I am stressing moving. I must do some packing today and hopefully make a trip up tomorrow with a carload.

I am really sad to be thinking about a guy I've known who will be leaving town as well, to move much further away, sad because we haven't hung out in years, and there is the chance of seeing each other this weekend but that is the only chance left, probably. And I should've left it where it was years ago. I shouldn't have tried and kept hope alive when it never was worth as much to him. I seem to do this: pick guys who don't care for me. But the ones who do are always so weird, they don't fit in my social life, and at some point become too much to deal with.

And I'm not sure if things are going to just end with that guy in va. He doesn't need anything from me, I don't know if he wants anything from me, and I'm not sure if I stopped bothering him if he would still attempt to talk to me, for anything other than a slight aleviation or boredom. And so I feel like maybe it's all the same thing over and over again. How much can I be to someone who'd probably rather I be hundreds of miles away? Someone who's literally married to his work. Someone who's obviously not going to jump fences for me even if I'd do it for him.

Of course my mind will change and then tomorrow I'll feel completely different all over again. I'll feel like I need him. And what the hell, I do need him. I need that "guy friend" because even though we only talk online he's the only one who remotely sticks around, who remotely seems to care at some level. I was so empty when I was searching for one. But it's not good enough and to treat it like it is is to fall into expectations that are less and less hopeful every day. And I'm not sure but I think he thinks he's better than me in some way, I think he puts too much emphasis on having a job, and the thing is, he understands just about nothing about the kind of work I do (ok I haven't done work in months but I've decided to lie to the world and say I'm "freelancing"). Because my work is fundamentally different. I wish people would understand more of what goes into being a graphic designer, or any kind of designer or artist (and I'm talking about people who aren't hacks) because it's not easy. And I'm not complaining that it's not easy. A challenge can be good. But people don't understand that we sweat where to put the space between letters. People think we press buttons and it comes out of our ass. But guess what? There is actual work involved! And it's a ton of work, and that's why we charge so much money

Maybe some people just rather believe that design is something fake that they can live without.

I rambled again. This is all due to a rather snide comment made to my unemployment last night by said guy. Something about "some of us live in the real world." Well, go on and live there, and when it bites you in the ass, don't come cryin' to me. I have dreams to fullfill.

[anonymousartist]

I'm feeling a little retarded right now that I haven't just stopped picking by now. I mean really, how old is this thread? Aren't I a little too educated at this point? Or am I really that impulsive? Sometimes I wonder if my sudafed habit when I was younger has anything to do with this.

My new reminder to myself: It's really not that fun.

I mean really, is it? It's a little pleasurable, but it's not as good as a day at the beach or a pizza or a good kiss or something. And I can certainly live wihtout. Ok, I'm soooo over it.

It could work. It could!!!!

[anonymousartist]

Well, I won't be seeing that one guy (not the one in VA), because he's already headed out of town. The crazy thing is I have really wanted to see him again for a long time but yesterday my feelings about it were very mixed. For one thing, he has a girlfriend and he's moving far away. I know I am ten times better than I was when I first met him, but what was I going to do, suddenly change his mind about me? He's leaving. And I haven't seen him in two years. Sometimes I felt completely cut off by him. Actually, I haven't really seen him in three years. He could have tried harder if he wanted to hang out with me. And I don't know if he just says he wants to do things when he really doesn't but if that's the case then it's just lame.

And I don't know if I care so much about what guys from the past will think of me now. I don't know that it matters. I need new things now. I still will probably go emotionally back and forth for a while with the guy in VA. Because that's all different though. But I'm not really in the mood to go out of my way to impress him either.

Maybe because I really do want to do it for myself, be healthy and thin and whatever. I want to be myself. I have style-finding to do. None of it's for him. And I can't be with him. And if I could, and it was just because I suddenly looked better.....well I don't want anyone who just wants me for that. He'd have a lot of work to do. Oh my......come to think of it, maybe it's not even so much a matter of not being able to have him.....maybe he just can't have me, at this point. And yet, even rubbing that in people's faces isn't exactly exciting me. There has gotta be something else to go for.

I guess this is where I've gotta be creative.

Oh yeah, and about picking: well did some grazing today. face looks like hell with red spots. I am keeping in mind how dumb it is though. It's truly stupid. I will stop soon.

[anonymousartist]

mindfulness.

I've been reading too damn many self help thingies tonight. They don't help. They must rely on first convincing people that something dramatic is wrong, so it'll feel like help. anti-glamour.

Anyway, it seems to all come down to pain and release. pain and release. And yes it must be repeated, because all I do is repeat it. The thing is, the real pain, to release it...how will I ever be allowed to scream that loud again? How will I ever be free of it?

How will I deal with this all, as an adult now. Not as an adolescent, or child, or college student.

And if I am becoming less occupied with my weight, am I becoming more occupied with my age? I don't even really feel I show signs of it, or at least not that any of it looks bad. So if I'm starting to worry, I must squash these unhealthy thoughts before they too somehow become debiliating. This is not a disease I will substitute for, this body image thing.

I will love.
I will be loved.
I will be light, and kind, and generous.
I will find the same in others.
I will have compassion.
I will be a reason for hope and not for doubt.

These things, these good things, however possibly contrived, make me feel better, and not the more damning thoughts.

I will have a mind for what I am doing. I will allow myself to make healthy decisions, choices. I will realize in the end none of it matters, and I can't go wrong, but I can go healthy or unhealthy. And I can learn from both.

Turning on the radio for a bit in the bathroom when I do my night time routine (sometimes I am so tired I don't want to brush my teeth. and now I am exhausted by anxiety) helps me keep from spacing out and taking forever. Helps me not pick. Helps me get through it. It must engage that part of my brain that's already drifted off when I'm exhausted. And yeah, I'm so rarely tired from a long day, more often just exhausted from everything.

--becca

[anonymousartist]

it's late and I can't sleep 'cause my mind won't shut off. I feel as if I've made the most terrible mistake in moving back to my mom's. I feel as if I have no support and no one will ever stick with me. And I am damaging the fuck out of my skin, even when I'm not looking at it I'm picking. This sucks so bad. I'm turning into this awful thing I don't want to be and I don't know how to pull myself out. I hate this situation. And the one thing (person) I really want I cannot have. And it's nobody's fault but my own.

[hoppe]

Becca

I hope you could find some rest.

I understand that you fear you are making a mistake by moving back home. But see it as something temporary. It will pass. Soon you will move out again.

I am sorry about the guy. Stop thinking that it is your fault. It is not. You are such a lovely soul. If he does not see that, to hell with him. And the same with the guy that did not want me. To hell with him too. I am not always having the highest thoughts about myself, but deep down I know I am special. And if he wants ordinary instead of special, his loss. Mine too, at the moment, but I will find something way better. And so will you. I hope you will find somebody that really sees you. Not someone that diminishes you and your art. Was he the guy that said 'some of us live in the real world'? Let him live there. Let him rotten in the 'real' world. Continue to go after your dreams.

I know, moving home is probably not part of your dreams. But it is temporary. And you know ... you probably do not want to hear this .... but I have no family to move home to. I feel my world is falling apart at the moment and I wish I had a safe, familiar place where I could go for a while and have someone pat my head. It is not going to happen. My parents are thousands of kilometers away. And if they were next door, it would still not happen. I do not know what your mother is like. I really hope she is nice.

Wishing you a nice day - with inner peace and confidence in your choices.



hoppe

[anonymousartist]

Nothing much to write. I got a call from the rental office. I'm not sure if this lady is actually nice or very very evil. She doesn't know I have inside info. hehehe. From what I've seen written on the list serv for my apartment complex things are really going to hell. Some people are having their patios torn up and some units are being filled with workers who make a ton of noise. So I guess even though I hate that this is happening at all I'm glad I'm getting out early. They are trying to make people miserable though. They don't want anyone extending leases because they are betting on driving everyone still in a lease out early. So I guess that is why I was never offered a chance to stay longer. What fuckheads.

The lady I spoke to on the phone recommended a website to me about job searches but the thing is I know she is involved with that site and she makes money off it. But she did give me her personal cell number. I'm so tempted to post such juicy info to the community list serv but I don't want to be a bitch if she was genuinely trying to help. Ha....I should turn it around and offer to redesign the site. Get money outta her instead! That would be funny. Well, I don't even know if I want a job in this area. I like it but I should try something new. Everyone else is going to try something new. And maybe my dreams are a little too big for this place. We shall see. And that's it, I need to see some things.

I don't think i've picked yet today. I will try to stop grazing. My skin seems to be asking to be picked....but that's only becaused I've done so much picking lately. It needs to heal. This is becoming displeasurable, which is a key to stopping, I believe.

[anonymousartist]

well, not much to report. I haven't had any really bad picking episodes though I have done it lightly. Mostly when not paying attention. I've gone at my arms a bit too, which sucks.

I got most of my phone calls taken care of and my addresses changed. I hate doing it. I handled the calling thing better than usual, navigated my way through, but it makes things feel so final. By Sunday there will be no cable, Monday no electric. I need to get out today and make a second attempt at getting my car's oil changed so I can pack it up and bring some stuff to my mom's. I think I showed up too late yesterday or something. I don't know, I hate the way this one place does it, and no one was around, so I turned around and went home. I only do it there because there's a shopping center.

I'm starting to get worried about money so as soon as I get to my mom's and have my computer repaired I'll be looking for a job to do. I think I'll drop off the ocmputer tomorrow, so I probably won't have it for a week or so. I don't want to let go of my internet access!!! But I'll probably be able to at least check e-mail from my mom's. Sunday is the day I'm done with this place. And oh shit, I need to go to the office as well and fill out some papers. I hate this I really do. Sometimes I lay in bed and wake up and feel robbed of my place to live. Honestly, I don't think I have the money to stay here anyway. I need to keep what I have saved for starting up a new place somewhere else. I think I can handle finding a job. Everyone else is doing it. I'll need something to do anyway. I'm also going to start running again as soon as I get back.

I brought up that "real world" comment with that guy. He said he wasn't being serious, in his non-serious way. The thing is if he is always full of shit, I don't know that I know what to do with him anymore. I am about 70% over him I think. I mean it's to the point where if I saw him I would need to feel pressured to feel good enough (which I don't care for anymore) and it would probably qualify as "weird". I don't know what to invest in him. Probably nothing. I can't give him anything. He doesn't want anything. I don't want to cut him off. I don't want to need him though. But I hate not having a guy friend and he is the closest thing even if he's not that close. I just can't get anywhere deeper with him and he won't let me. So what am I? Mindless entertainment mixed up with the occasional drama queen bullshit for him? This is probably not worth my energy. The thing is that I still want to be close to him. And the other thing is that his younger brother (who I have talked to longer online) is so different, actually quite sensitive. And it's easy not to have feelings for him 'cause he's young, and well, never came onto me. Ha. I don't know. This is the only guy I'm in contact with that I've known since I was young. It felt so important at one point. But I'm not on his mind nearly as much. The funny thing is I know the trick of being sarcastic all the time so people can't find vulnerable spots, so people don't take things seriously: It's my game too.

My bite feels fucked up again, as in my teeth. At first the fillings seemed to fix it but I think some of my teeth shifted again. I don't know, or maybe I'm used to it. I need an implant (new tooth) on the bottom but I can't afford it right now. it's about $2000. Maybe the new fillings on the other side will help. I'm paranoid as if my fillings are wearing down. I don't know, maybe 'cause I never had them before. Stupid. I should ignore it and it'll all be fine.

ok rambled enough. I'm sure I'm just using this as a chance to ramble. So I don't sound like a nut in my livejournal. Oh well. It does help me to come here to remind myself not to pick. I'll win. Oh yes I will.

[anonymousartist]

Well, I think it's ben hard for me lately to identify times that I'm at risk for mindless picking and take special caution. Before I know it I'm doing it sometimes, and I'll feel anxious so I'll keep going. Hopefully once I have moved things will clear up, I will feel less anxious. But in the next couple days I am taking my computer to get fixed (I guess tomorrow) so I am really freaked a bit by that as well. I don't want to be without my computer. I'm also quite worried I won't be able to get it online once I do get it back because I need to get a router working on my mom's DSL. I can't live without high speed internet. I simply cannot.

[anonymousartist]

still trying to stop picking, as per usual. Today is supposed to be the day that I take my computer up to get fixed, so let's hope that works out. I might come on here on my mom's comp at some point if I can remember the url, but then again I might not. It might be actually good for me if I stay away from the internet for a bit. Yes. Maybe write in a real journal, do some real reflecting. Though there's not much left to figure out about life. I know what I need to do.

[anonymousartist]

Ok, so I'm at my mom's. I finally got my computer back and internet going in my room (how frustrating!) My sister and I were in a very scary (but minor, with no injuries) car accident last week, when moving my stuff up. This guy rammed us late at night in a mcdonalds drivethru in a bad neighborhood and proceeded to run over a bunch of curbs, a small tree, and then hit a couple big palms with his hugr pick-up truck. We were just scared to death really. I'm not sure I care to recount it anymore.

I hate to say it but I've been picking quite a lot at my face. I blame the damn mirror in the bathroom for being too close! But I am noticing just how bad my face looks and it'll motivate me better to stop, I hope. I've also been eating too much junk. Just too much around. I hope to get back on track (hell, on track, period) soon. It helps to have my computer fully functioning. I've got some poppy music sort of elevating my mood now. And hell yes I can sink back into the internet. Haha. Well, it keeps me occupied.

Still think I love that guy. But I'm not expecting things of him, and I get to have a little hope I guess, just because he may end up in the same state as me again, eventually. But I guess it's all the way it should be now. No drama. I think. No bad feelings. And I'm not putting myself on hold for him. I totally wouldn't mind meeting some nice guys. But I need to get out of this town. I'm not attracted to these cowboy wannabes here.

The next step is to get out of this house. And I feel like stopping picking is also the goal I have to work on, along with some more weight loss. I will do it all, right? I'll do ok. I'm caught between the ideas of excess and misery. Pick one. heh. That made little sense but I liked the sound of it. I should write for the sake of writing. I miss it.

[anonymousartist]

this is my choice. When I pick, I choose to. I sometimes choose it every day. That's the thing, this is my choice. I can choose to make it go away too. I don't have to do it because I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't (even though I know nothing will happen). And I want to choose to have a clean pallette and clear aesthetic and not to damage my skin as it ages and becomes less able to repair itself. I want to take care of myself. My whole body. My whole mind. I want to oust unhealthy thoughts.

CHOOSE HEALTHY!

[anonymousartist]

I've been beating the hell out of my skin lately. No good! I guess I am in healing mode. Last night I treated with Desitin Creamy. I need to get a skincare regimin going. It's feeling dry lately because I haven't been getting dressed every day and doing the moisturiser thing and all. So that will be a goal. I'm so into the habit of picking lately even though I hate what it's doing to my aesthetic. Maybe I don't want to feel at all good about myself lately.

I hate how my grandparents and mother and hell all "adults" make me feel about getting a job, or, career, really. They don't even know what kind of work I do. Yes, they want to help. But they could really care less what I do. And I'm not trying to just find a random job. I am working on a career.

Everything's kind of sucking. Oh, and not to mention my fave band is playing a few hours away in a few days or so, they're playing new songs in concert, and I'm not going to get to go because I'm broke and stuff. Plus my friend went and bought tickets for her and her boyfriend and then told me to go try and get tickets next to her....well that was stressful and even when I tried to do it it didn't work out and I figured, oh well, venue sucks anyway. But I feel mildly down about it all now that I hear they played 5 new songs at their last show. Fuck. Whatever....it'll be more fun when they go on a real tour and schedule some damn Gen Admission shows (I really don't have the feeling that they'd play as well to a seated venue) and I'll know the words then, or something. More fun that way, I guess.

I'm really bored with online. There seems to be no one to talk to anymore. A few people. First it was too much, now not enough really. I do need to call one of my friends though, so I guess I'll do that, yo.

Fuckall, guess I'm just frustrated. Oh, and at this board kinda going dead too. Blah.

[anonymousartist]

i want to stop this shit. I really do.