workwithmenow

[anonymousartist]

I need to break some tension. I need some balance. I need some rules for myself. Just something to think about.

I need to let my skin do the healing, because that'll do the best job. I need to stop with the nervous habits. I need to stop having so many nerves because of things I'm too pussy-assed to do.

I need to get over a guy, and I don't think I will. I'm already telling myself if I give it enough time and I become better looking....then maybe he'll go for it? But do I want someone who will only go for me if I'm better looking? I mean, giving him more time to know me, yeah, that's reasonable. He does want to be friends. I think he didn't ever really mean anything too malicious at me. I did go drama queen on him a few times.

Also, I don't know if it is because I lost weight or just a freak of nature type thing but my hormones went crazy this past week. I somehow managed to go through a second PMS just after my period and sometimes when that happens, all I want is sex. Add this to a guy I can't have and a guy I can have that I don't want and a whole lot of other unsatisfying things in my life and I just went crazy. And the reason I think that it is screwed up hormones is because I thought i felt that little pinch that usually means ovulation just after my period (and thought, that's weird. wrong time for that) and a week later I'm spotting a little. And it just explains the crazy moods and everything.

I'm dispapointed I can't have this guy, and I think I was scared I could have him at the same time. I don't wanna waste all my time on him, wanting him, not being able to have him. I swore not to do the unrequited love thing. I guess I'm not in the way I did with that other guy (who wasn't good enough for me, so he was a waste of time, right?)

But its not like I'm waiting for him. If something equally good or better or something I think has a chance comes along I'll take it. Just, this guy that is after me, i've known him for years and he's harmless (if anything i push him around too much) but why does he stick around and not other guys?

*sigh* Whatever. I'm like a totally different person than I was 6 months ago and I have current crush i need to get over guy to thank for it. He inspired me. And I'm not going to try to change him, just accept him for what he is, a fun guy to talk to, but he's not letting me get in his head. And maybe I need to be more laid back about people in general. Something about love and diversity. I want to love everyone.

[onedayatatime]

This habbit is like alchoholism. It is something you will always have and live with. But you can live without the picking. Just take it day by day or minute by minute if you have to just like an alcholic does. i hope you don't mind I read your journal entries. It seems you can go days without picking but then all the stress of daily life adds up and you go to work onyour face/body to relieve te tension.

You can quit cold turkey. I have done it. Remember your body is the most important thing you will ever own. Treat yourself better than anything and anyone else. Your worth it!!!!

[anonymousartist]

thank you for your response. You are right about the day by day, and I think that is the only way to take anything. I mean of course I can go a day without, right? So I can go another and another, just, only one at a time. I will try to take up more of that mentatlity.

And of course I don't mind you're reading. That's why I post, so people can read.

--becca.

[anonymousartist]

i have a bit of renewed sense of wanting lear skin today. I guess those spots are just mucking up my face (and other areas) too much. Well, it should help me to quit a little more today. I guess I've been doing it so much a little out of boredom and stress. Everything's coming to a head lately, and the one thing I really wanted (just a dream, i guess) I can't have. And yet, I still want to think that I can, somehow. Its just too impossible as of now. And I just want to love him without him thinking I'm crazed or something, I mean, I want to love everyone.

I went running yesterday. I'm getting better at it. Lighter on my feet. My ipod froze about a mile in and I kept going anyway (didn't know how to unfreeze it at the time so I was worried about it possibly having a head crash). I guess I won't go running today. I don't know. It's already hot and threatening to rain. I should've forced myself to get up early. I also have just so much stuff to work on right now. And I'm such a procrastinator. I have to get ready to move. I hate this, I really do.

A little at a time!! <--maybe that has to be my new mantra.

[anonymousartist]

man, wish I'd put more effort into this. I guess lately I don't much care if I quit or not. Kinda lame. Except, I do want clear skin. Maybe I have to really want it to have it. I'm just feeling weak on all points lately. Life's changing, and I'm not terribly excited about it, at all. *sigh* I have so much to do now though. I have to move. I have to pack. I have a million things to do. Yuck.

[anonymousartist]

reminder for me not to pick. lame but hey maybe it'll keep the thought in my head. Things are starting to clear up. I'm not as bad lately. Ok, new goal: outlast PMS this month! Those breakouts always mess up any progress I have. Although I dunno if I'll even get it this month because my schedule went a bit crazy earlier this month. Whatever.

Add to the stress and whatnot: the soundcard on my computer is busted. This means I'll have to go without for a while, and also I will either have to do work while I wait on getting it fixed, or wait on doing work to get it fixed. Either way it throws a spoke in my job hunt pretty much and makes me all sad

At least I have my ipod that I bought off my friend (with her whole music collection on it) so I can listen to music still (I hook up to my tv speakers). And I can back up some stuff to it (probably just my music collection, and put the rest of my stuff on DVD or trash it. 'cause I don't want to risk apple fucking up and losing my stuff).

Funny how things fall together, moving, the computer breaking. Is it all just a message to throw some shit out? Too much shit polluting my life, leaving me suffocating while trying to hold on to the important things.

And my attempts to get over that guy; all in vain. See, it only hurts. No good coming of trying to dislike him. And while maybe its a waste of time to care for him, its a waste of time trying to fill the void with people who aren't doing anything good for me. So I have to move on, but I don't have to forget about him. But I have to find another way to take care of myself. And if somoene better comes along, well, it won't hurt anymore, will it?

And I think I am in sort of a poisonous friendship with a guy. The guy makes these sweeping generalizations all the time about men. And it makes me hate them all. And, I don't want that. I don't need that. This guy diguised it all like he cared about me but now he won't even say any of it (basically 'cause I let him have what he wanted from me, and then he decided he didn't). Now wait a second, which one's the asshole? I mean really. And I must know none of it's healthy 'cause I'm picking fights with him online. All for no reason. Trying to kill some need for emotional outlet. But I'm probably trying to find a way to cut him out, instead of keep him in. I'm not learning anything from him. And what does he know? He doesn't have a ton of male friends. I have trouble trusting women who don't have female friends (because usually they can't hold a good friendship with me either) and guuys who don't have male friends (because they tend to have a skewed idea of who they are and what a man should be like).

I guess I'm used to navigating friendships with guys, because I end up friends with the not so strong kind. And they don't work out. I just become a whiny pile of mess. At least with this guy who I want to have more with (he wants to be friends) he doesn't let me get away with it much. Maybe even though I've been a pain there could be something functional there. I need to stop pushing his limits though. There is a time to stop that shit. Its hard for me to trust guys though.

[anonymousartist]

Ok, still picky but urges are definitely becoming less. I've noticed I must be making progress, even though I don't feel it so much, because areas of my skin are staying much clearer. So some day, I'll make it.

Doing my nails more regularly again and when I get all pissed off, end up peeling it off. Serves the purpose that picking would, but no damage to my skin (maybe a little to my nails, which I'm also trying to grow long. They get about halfway there and break, but that's because I don't take care of them well enough. This is me trying to take care of them as well. I love how strong they feel after a few coats. Like fake nails almost, except real (I don't like the idea of fake nails. My friends used to get them and...yuck).

[anonymousartist]

Not much goin' on. Daily reminder not to pick (lately I've been going at my lips a bit, not a problem but I should stay away before it becomes one). My face has been a bigger problem lately than a lot of body picking. I really don't like what it does to the aesthetic effect. I went out yesterday in a sleeveless shirt (with less weight, my arms look better, i have shoulders, though I need to work on the posture more, collarbones, shoulderblades. Things I hadn't seen in years. It's sometimes amazing the changes that suddenly take place in five pound incriments. Maybe 'cause I'm not all that tall, heh) but anyway I was gonna wear the damn shirt anyway so I didn't pay much attention to whether or not I had picked my arms, but on inspection, there's not much going on on that surface. I know I've been picky on some of the small spots, but I haven't gone crazy I guess. The sad thing is I have a bit of a tan now and I can see tons of spots that have no pigment....yep, scars I didn't think I had (my skin in naturally very pale). That's kind of sad and more of a reason to stop. Hopefully they'll fade someday, but why continue to make it worse?

I haven't been trying that hard not to pick lately but its time to try harder because I could get rid of this once and for all. Its really becoming time to let it go. I don't get that much out of it. Besides, it's time to grow the hell up and be more responsible and learn how to do all sorts of things I don't really always want to do. There's nothing really that attractive about adulthood to me, some people get so uptight, but there's also nothing really cool about someone who keeps getting older and can't act it. Of course, I need to learn to do all this and keep perfectionism the hell out of it. I don't know how many things I've tried to complete to perfection 'til either I got it or I just didn't care anymore because it was too much, and all things I didn't necessarily want to do and didn't have to do. I'm out of school now. I'm free. I could care less right now if I move up some magical career ladder so long as I find a way to support myself comfortable. All I have to worry about is how to live daily life. Why are people meant to push so hard? Its not important.

I gotta start makin' plans, living by them, giving myself the time to shut off as well (which actually I made a new rule: no work after 10. Then its time to wind down, have dinner if I hadn't already, and get ready for bed). Of course last night anything was thrown out the window 'cause I ended up at a friends' cookout, which was really fun. I had a really great buzz the whole time. Got home late though, with a bad headache which made me carsick while driving so I felt awful when i got home and couldn't even eat the food I had picked up 'cause I was really hungry before. I know I totally let myself get dehydrated. So I slept late to recover and all. But its time to stop putting things off. Stop feeling fear. There's no good reason to. I'm beginning to understand more of what fear is anyway: its really nothing. It's this terrible feeling of something unknown, speculated, but nothing. I mean of all the things I've been through in my life, the physical pain wasn't what hurt the most. It was the fear. It was all the things that could've happened. It was having parents who made threats. It was ultimatums. It was everyones stories about how everything went wrong and was so horrible. And it was never a faith in my own strength and character. I'm only afraid of what's unknown. And what's unknown: simply, nothing.

I can do anything. But I don't have to do everything.

[anonymousartist]

Well I'm up early. Let's whine about it, shall we?

I was finally getting to sleep last night around 12 (a normal time for once) and my friend calls. Now she had the best of intentions, because she had just bought concert tickets to see my favorite band and wanted me to come (her tickets are for her and her boyfriend) and she wanted me to buy one next to her. But the online thing wouldn't let me buy a single ticket in her row. Their hotline is only open business hours so I had to call this morning to find out if I could get a seat next to them. The problem? I have bad phone anxiety. After that I couldn't fall asleep. And I was having reservations about going anyway 'cause it's a pretty long trip to where she lives and I don't have a job and it'll cost out the buyt by the time I'm through with everything and I'm sooo stressed about moving that anything just about puts me over right now (I'm tempted to call salvation army and have them take the furniture my sister wants off me 'cause she's being a pain about getting a u-haul now and trying to put more work on me). Anyway, so I didn't think I'd be able to wake up early, but I did, in a bit of anxiety, so I decided I ought to stay awake 'cause I should go running before it gets really hot. So I got up the courage to call ticketbastard (the call went fine actually, I need to get over myself) but they don't have seats next to my friends (only about 5 seats down) so anyway I guess I'm not going. The sad thing is that usually I would jump through hoops to see this band (one time someone had to get me in through management because I was supposed to be on the guest list but wasn't, haha) but its always so stressful! But anyway, I have a couple friends who are big fans so I'm going to see if they want to go, and if they do we can get tickets together. There's still hope. The thing is I'll be living at my mom's by then and I feel oh so pathetic about it and I know that job hunting and not spending money needs to be priority and chasing a band all over the state may not be the best idea (plus I wouldn't be surprised if they schedule a show closer to me, at a better venue. Seriously, seated venue for a rock concert?? Fuck that. I want to be by the stage! And if the crowd sucks and they stay seated, then the whole show will suck 'cause the band really feeds off crowd energy. That's why their last show in St Pete was so good, 'cause the crowd was awesome).

So anyway, I guess I found some pussy-assed way out of some stressing that I can regret or worry about later. But I totally shouldn't. If things aren't right they aren't right (and not much is so right lately). I also want to chicken out of dealing with Kinkos and getting my portfolio done but really I want the damn thing done so I'll see about that and getting my computer fixed soon. I will miss my computer! I can probably go by the school and use one of their computers (fuck if they know I'm not a student) but I'll only really check e-mail. Suck suck suck. Suckety suck. Hmm, I owe some people e-mails too.

Watch I'll move all my shit to my mom's and get a job and apartment two miles from where I live now and end up trucking it all back! Whatever. When I get a job I'm buying new stuff. This apartment is full of cheap shit but I'm so mad about getting kicked out. I hope they don't sell any condos after they rennovate. Fuckers bought up the last decent apartment community in the area.

oops i forgot to post this.

[anonymousartist]

Couldn't wake up early like I was supposed to this morning. Kept thinking, wanting to be with what's his face who's too far away (yes still getting over it. probably won't get over it 'til I can stop saying I need to get over it). Amazing how no one ever got my hopes so high and let me down so far.

Very stressed about moving. I went through my clothes last night and have a couple loads of laundry to do before I head off to Orlando to help my friend go through her stuff (she's moving. I'm hoping I fit in some of the clothes she doesn't fit in anymore as I need a new wardrobe). My sister is giving me shit about getting the furniture picked up (she wants it. I don't) so I'll probably have to call Salvation Army unless my friend can come get it (but damn, they moved it in for me, and I remember we were saying how it wasn't worth the trouble at the time!) So my sister is being stupid and we both need to grow the fuck up but one of me is enough for me to deal with! I can't handle her shit on top of mine. Especially when I am trying to stop being such a fuck up.

But being out of town should be good for my picking, because I doubt I'll do much of it at my friend's apartment. The out-of-town syndrome. And my skin could really use the break. After I come home though its going to be pack like mad time. And actually I'm trying to pack some shit today to bring up to my mom's after I see my friend. Or maybe that makes it more difficult? I mean is it really a shorter trip from her house to my mom's? Maybe not. Maybe I should wait 'til I get back and take a full carload to my mom's. Might not be a bad idea. But at least I've gone through the clothes. And I need to do that laundry 'cause I've needed to do laundry for quite some time!

*sigh* how lame of me to be watching Dawson's Creek and eveyrone's moving or whatever and I'm thinking, "I want someone to eat pizza on the floor with my last night here." And I know who that is and I know it won't happen. I haven't talked to him in like a week. He wasn't around, then I tried to avoid looking pathetic, and now I won't be around. And I'm so lame. Sooo lame. I'm a little embarassed about the whole thing. Knowing I wasn't playing the game right and pulling shit anyway. Knowing I needed to be more patient. (and now come to think of it not knowing if he's one of those people who throws the word friend around like it doesn't mean much). But I have grown in some way from it, just haven't quite bloomed yet. Although I know part of the reason I let things go to hell, even forced them down the drain, was knowing that once I find a job all hope is out the window, even though it was out the window anyway. I wanna say I just wanted to find out if I really wanted to be with him, if I could have what I wanted for once. But life is changing and I'm not as fat as I used to be and now when I go out more and more guys come up to me and when i'm done losing weight, I'm gonna look really hot (I look pretty good now) and all options will be open. I hate that aspect that makes me feel like I'm doing it for the wrong reasons though, when I know I'm really doing it for the right reasons, because its healthier, and it feels better.

I haven't been running lately. I have to promise myself that I'm not going to get afraid and give up running when I go back to my mom's. I need to promise myself I won't get idle. I need to make sure nothing will same old same old. Oh its not the right environment. But who knows what it'll lead to. I have my eye on Ft. Lauderdale or the Bay Area, but something tells me I need a change, and Ft. Laud might be the way to go. Or maybe I will just say fuck it and send a resume out to some people in California anyway, even though I have no idea what I'd do if I moved there. If only this guy I want was moving somewhere I genuinely wanted to move....I would so go for it. I'm that lame. But even if I found a job where he is he's leaving in a couple months and I lose. I always want what I can't have. i_just_can't_have_it. I have some bastard growing up to do.

Fun how this turned into a huge ramble, like I need it so bad, just to write. I used to be able to do this in my livejournal but everyone knows me there. It's too easy for them to judge me somehow. Or I'm not being true to that love it or leave it attitude. Or there's just nothing special about it anymore. 'Cause now everyone does it and its not cool anymore. *sigh*

Damn I'm hungry. I need breakfast!!!

[hoppe]

Becca

Just wanted to tell you that I love your posts. They are always filled with so much insight.

At the moment I can relate a lot to you. Have a guy in my head and cannot get him out ... . I cannot have him. He is to far away. He does not want me. But I think about him all the time. Cannot stop it. If he had asked me, I would have moved across the globe to be with him. But he did not .... .

hoppe

[anonymousartist]

Thanks, hoppe.

Guess we're in it together with these guys. I guess it is possible for me to get over him, sometimes I think it would just be weird to be with him now. I acted really immature about it and now I'm a little embarrassed. But other times, I wanna think just about him and wanting to be able to be with him and love him. Of course, I can't. He doesn't agree with my "geography is crap" philosophy and there's nothing I can do to change it except be a good friend and be the best person I can be, and find ways to make myself happy. There's a lot of reality I don't want to face right now but I'll find a way to handle it.

As far as picking goes, I've been crap about it. Healing a bit because I'm at my friend's house away from home. But I have my own room here and bathroom so its not like privacy is taken away from picking and I was PMSing so my skin was shit. Omg I haven't eaten this much chocolate in months! My out of town eat whatever I want policy is goin' crazy. Ah well. I leave tomorrow and then its back to eat everything in my apartment before I have to move it or throw it out. And last night we were up sooooo friggin late. I got to the point I couldn't effing control it.

And *sigh* he IMed me tonight to ask if I got hit by a hurricane. Haha, he'll probably get it worse where he is. At least I know now I'm not the only one doing the IMing. I was kinda getting insecure about that again, since I acted like a desperate whiny brat at him a week or two ago. (ha, and he had some weird dream with me in it the other day he said....ha...I invaded his subconscious! That's gotta be a step in the right direction). I think it also helps me to feel more over him when I feel like I'm the one who messed it up. heh. Maybe its just not the right timing. Maybe we really don't know enough about each other. Maybe he doesn't realize my willingness to go to semi-extremes is just an adventurous thing and not a "crazy" thing. Hah. And he probably does think I'm crazy, 'cause when I was younger and we knew each other in person....well.....I acted fucking crazy. It was all an act. It's still all and act. I think I am just very.....post-modern. But most people don't know what that means. It doesn't really have an official definition anyway. Well, to me its the fun and interesting anti-establishment anti-boredom stuff. And I love it.

Alright. I'm out. I'm busy watching tv and hangin' w/ my bff and trying to bring back the mostest ultra-coolest 80's hairstyle (no, I'm not high).

loves!
--becca

[anonymousartist]

updatey-ness:

Oh, well not much to update on. back "home" at my apartment I have to move out of. Sleepin' on my couch today, I feel so much like I don't want to move. Ugh. Well it'll only be temporary. My next place, I will get brand new stuff ('cause none of the stuff I have is worth anything, except the electronics, which are easier to move than furniture). Had dinner with one of my younger sister's last night and got on well. My other younger sister is being a pain in the ass. I miss hanging with my best friend (and playing with her puppy) but I think I hung around a little too long this time anyway. So today I'm lazy-ing it up in my own space, which is a mess, so maybe I'll get some cleaning done yet.

I found out that I may have had a legal right to extend my lease here. I'm not even sure if I'm past the deadline I would've had to meet. But damnit. I hate this apartment company now (they are converting to condos) and I don't have a ton of money left and I don't want to give them more of my money and I've already made plans to move out. I just don't know. I feel like I need approval or something. I need to talk to my mom I guess. Fuck though, it costs too much to live here and I don't want to deal with this company. They come in to apartments for no damn reason all the time. I hate their guts. Maybe the sooner I get out the sooner I can move on. But I don't wanna live at my mom's (it'll be more motivating for me to get a job though, being somewhere I hate. There's definitely no night-life to distract me). And I don't feel like putting up a fight with this apartment company either. They already refused to renew my lease and they are reportedly ignoring people's requests to stay (it really sucks how they are treating people. This complex is really big, has two parts, one on each side of a little island, and many residents have been here for a very long time, kids have grown up here, some of the elderly residents are homebound. It had a nice, "community" feeling to it. When the hurricane knocked out power last year I felt safe sleeping with my windows open (not on a normal night though....heh, 'cause there's a bad neighborhood nearby). It's right on the water. It sucks what they're doing here. SUCKS.

Going to concentrate more on not picking even if I don't feel like it. That's the thing. I don't need to want to stop picking for the results to come from not doing it. And I want the results. Yes, the results. At least I'm not pms-ing anymore, so now I'm just fatigued. Oh how fun. And can't forget....a week and a half isn't very long. I'm in a time crunch. FUCK.

[anonymousartist]

Doing good so far this morning. I did "examine" my face in my compact mirror but I had already made the decision to dab on some liquid concealor pen with salicylic acid in it (with my finger) on any spots with a head or "something in them." I think it is the best treatment for me. I think since I haven't been in the get up and get ready for school mode since school ended, I'm not quite in a good skin treatment plan and it's been leading to break-outs. My skin is also clearing much more now that I'm not PMSing.

I haven't bothered to get up early and go running in a while, which sucks. I'm quite stressed. I may lean on a little comfort food sometime within the next couple weeks. I dunno, it'll make me feel better, get more stuff done. I'm in a bit of an unusual circumstance, and my weight loss is my mission, and it doesn't need to be perfect. Yes, THAT IS IT! I need to take control of how I will manage things.

Here is the attitude I have to follow: I can get anything done that I want. I get to control how the things get done. I need to decide on timeframes, and move toward them. And separate tasks. It doesn't all have to be done at once. No perfection.

Ahh, and now, I'm kind of feeling weak and I've go a bit of a headache so I'm going to take something and some water and maybe rest for a while. I dunno if it's anxiety or what (maybe the caffeine I had a couple days ago leaving my system) but I just don't feel well.

And a reminder that it feels good to be confident about having clear skin. I can do this.

[anonymousartist]

morning again. I don't think I've done any picking (already up and hunting for food). Err. I feel lame for thinking, "I should really stop in case I get to see *insert guy* and damn I don't really have enough time to heal." Like it matters. He's moving slightly further away than the other guy that I want. Oy, can't win. Well I don't really know how much I want either of them anymore. But in terms of mr. virginia, well, we are "friends" of some sort, and I need to drop my insecurity bullshit. Because if we are going to be friends, then it'll probably be for quite some time (I don't see myself dropping him anytime soon. I don't have history like that with anyone). Who knows.

I still want to fantasize though........ *sigh*

I guess last year when I swore off being romatically interested in any guys from my past, I was right. And I should've kept it that way. I need a new crowd to run with.

What's really sad though is that my girl friends and I are going to be geographically split up, pretty much, pretty soon. Hell, i'm starting it. I miss them already! I mean, I used to see two of these girls every day at school and they're the ones who have really been around for me, and I've been around for them. It's too sad to think we may not get to all hang out again anytime soon (we'll probably get together this week). I am used to being away from my best friend, but these girls changed me for the better in a lot of ways. They made me more confident. They made me love myself. They gave honest criticism about my work. They stuck with me when a whole group of people who said they were my friends decided to ignore me. So, obviously they come before any guy who I might not see again who I haven't seen in a long time anyway because he wasn't really there for me.

I'm just going to keep with my "geography is crap" philosophy and know that we'll all get to hang out sometime again. It's not that big of a world.

And its really scary knowing I need to move on, somewhere, anywhere else. There aren't good jobs where I live now and I'm being kicked out anyway.

Wow, I wasn't expecting to cry about my friends. I wasn't expecting this time to really come, I guess. And I wasn't wanting to be alone.

I don't know. I don't know if it's true that I have a guy friend finally who wants to be my friend (I guess he does, or he'd ignore me, or not IM me). Time will tell. And shit, after all those years of not even talking and then getting closer, maybe it's a soul-mate-ish type of thing. I'm guilty of believing in the back of my mind that some day again we'll be in the same city somewhere. Maybe this country is just too big. He was right that there's nothing to base a relationship on, and not something worth fighting distance for, except I couldn't tell him I just knew there was, because I'd sound crazy. And maybe I'd have been wrong, but I wanted to find out. And all this time I worry about it turning out like Steve. Steve who refused to be open with me. Steve who was deep down lying to me. Steve who ditched me and then blamed on me. Steve who was never good enough for me, who changed completely, who decided I wasn't good enough for him when he wasn't good enough for me, who replaced me with a new best girl friend (he lives three hours away and she lives ten minutes away....ironic, isn't it?) What a blemish. What a spoiler of guy/girl friend relationships for me. I love having a guy friend. And maybe having one that I had to whine to for attention all the time just changed my whole dynamic about it. I guess everyone teaches us something. And some people teach us to be wonderful and others teach us to be lonely or mean. He taught too feel confident because I could never be his. I was only a good friend to him when he had whining to do. And of course I was always a good friend to him. When his now fiance was in a mental hospital and I didn't even know if I wanted to be friends with him anymore and he needed support I was there for him because he needed it.

Maybe there is positive learning to be done from a bad influence but maybe one should never stick around that for too long. He was a wrecking ball in my future relationships. Last time I said something about losing weight to him he said it was what I always say. Yes I always said it. Yes, and I knew I'd be right one day. But he wanted me to believe I could never have it, I guess. I'm sure it all made him feel better about himself.

Things are different with this guy, and no I'm not going to do the unrequited love thing, 'cause I said I wouldn't, and I don't know, maybe it would just be weird if I were to be with him romantically, because before it was just a fantasy and the fantasy was crushed. I don't know. I'll have to take life and see how it happens. Because he's not ditching me. And I feel weird changing things about my behavior because of him what the fuck, maybe he's right? I mean what good did it ever do me to be a dramaqueen? What good did it do me to throw myself at men? What good did it ever do me to secretly feel not good enough for a man? What good did it do me to put anyone on a pedestal while feeling totally unconfident?

And if I have any hope of there being a chance left its that we don't know each other allll that well. And I guess in that sense its safe to recreate myself. Maybe it's safe to dream. Maybe it's safe to feel safe. Maybe I've never really felt secure around any guy before. I think I'm actually going to stop testing him. And while I'm trying to figure out and become who I am, I guess he'll figure out who that is. Because I'm still trying to figure out how to communicate that to people.

Man do I ever ramble on and on about this.

I just want that one revealing moment where everything falls into place so bad. I want that moment where me and a guy just fall in love. Isn't that what it's all about?