workwithmenow

[anonymousartist]

Ok, I hope no one minds if I keep a journal here. It's going to encompass probably whatever thoughts I have about picking that I want to share, and it's cool with me if people want to comment/start a dialog.

While I want to tackle the ever-present goal of stopping picking, I'm not going to make quitting cold turkey my approach (that's not to say I'm giving myself a daily allowance, either). That could be because it's uncomfortable to say goodbye to this indulgence, and also I am going through finals right now, and other stresses. It's just not realistic.

But that's the thing, there is no realistic "right moment" to "just stop". I look for those moments all the time, for everything (I have weightloss issues too).

So here are my thoughts on picking for today:

I have been treating with some leftover erythromycin pads because I felt my squeezing had caused an infection. I should probably continue this a while longer to make sure everything is completely treated since it's an anti-biotic.

I am also thinking I might buy some desitin and start using that consistently on my skin. I haven't had a true routine in a very long time. I wash wtih Cetaphil now though (good stuff, I really like it, but eventually it did manage to dry my skin a bit). And when everything feels more stable I'll let myself have more days/nights where I'll just allow my skin to breathe.

I've also learned something about habit changing (just because I had a random learned habit I had to change that had to do with my typing--still being corrected). We put so much stress on changing habits straight-away! Well, with this typing thing I found even though I didn't push myself on changing the habit (because it seemed like a pain in the ass) that just being aware of wanting to make the change eventually slowed me up in the bad habit and gave me the second or two needed to think long enough to manually correct myself until it is now correcting itself!

My point is, even though picking is more than just a habit, there are habits invovled. And to change these habits (maybe we're working on the wrong side of the brain or something) it doesn't take all these mind games and panic attacks about when and where. What it takes is a MINIMAL amount of conscious effort, sporadic correction of the habit, and TIME.

The thing is our habits aren't something we can talk ourselves out of in a moment. They're things we've designed ourselves to do in the background without thought. It takes little actual thought to program new habits over time.

So that's it. I know, I'm wordy. I hope I can help myself out here, and maybe some others. I always write about my problems and that helps me fix them, but picking is something I generally tend to avoid writing about because it's not something I'm ready to share with just anyone (though I have more than half a mind to blow the whole subject wide open--there's so many people who do it and hide it and there's nothing to be embarrassed about). In this format it'll be most helpful and maybe someone will get something out of it if anything happens to work.

[raerae]

ive already got something out of it ... what you wrote about habit changing made a lot of sense. rae xxx

[sos]

Hi AA-(just for short),
I would like to blow the whole thing of CSP open too...
I know more people would feel better and get help if it was more public...
ox,
sos

[anonymousartist]

Oops, i've been crap about updating!
Thanks guys for reading and replying.

So in between then and now I've been through finals, which was just way too stressful and tiring to try and enforce any non-picking resolves...I knew I wasn't going to win. (Two all nighters in a row at the end of last week...just now getting over the fatigue).

I did stop myself a number of times, but when it got to stressful I made allowances, but really I was too busy to pick much. My arms started healing up a bit, and I had not realized until then that I hadn't seen my arms clear in a long time now! I didn't realize how often I really had to be picking to keep them in such a constant state of irritation ('cause really it only takes a few days of leaving things alone to heal). I'm excited to have clear arms sometime soon.

I'm at the point where my resolve is weakening, so I guess I really need to keep journaling to remind myself. I treated my face tonight with Desitin (after washing with cetaphil). It's been icky and I've been tempted to pick yucky spots too much (places that just get irritated and don't even really pop). I don't know if it's still PMS or what but I need some kidn of regimin to treat, even if it's not the right treatment at the moment.

What I'm reminding myself now is that I just need to keep stopping myself whenever I can. The thing is, there's never going to be some big moment to stop me cold turkey like I always thought there would (maybe there rarely is for anything). I still believe the passing of time and changing the habit is the biggest factor. It's going to be gradual, sort of like if I had an obnoxious itch (I get psoriasis on my legs sometimes and I used to scratch...'til I found out how bad it hurt a couple days after) that if you make yourself stay away from scratching long enough, eventually it goes away and at some point you forget it was there to begin with, and you're no longer even aware of the fact that you sucessfully stopped scratching it. Well it'll be like this with picking, if I just at some point stop it long enough (I probably never did before because it never really had a consequence of hurting really bad where the only solution was to stop).

I guess that urge to pick is more like the itch here. So I have to stop picking long enough to not get the urge anymore.

So that's it for now.

[anonymousartist]

Haven't updated in a while...

I think I went through a couple days where picking was a problem, but the past couple days I've been able to stop myself a few times, have little urge. I need to watch out for that powder compact in my bathroom...I tend to pick it up any time I walk in the bathroom and look in the mirror (the other mirrors aren't close enough). Actually, now that I think about it....

I pick up that little mirror to scan my face for places to pick when I go into the bathroom and look in the big mirror and start thinking about insecurities (I'm a bit overweight so I start thinking about when I'll be thin or something).

Yesterday I noticed that correlation and put that little mirror down. I think I used it this morning but only for two very tiny spots and I stopped myself from having a go at blackheads ('cause there's only enough of those to let me go on forever and totally irritate my whole face) so I still consider myself to be having little victories.

My upper body I'm having a little trouble with once in a while. My arms are clearing up again, though! I think I can honestly say right now I don't have the urge to pick at them even though those little bumps that were the reason I started on them are showing up again. I have to let them be though, if I want any of it to clear up.

Almost nothing is inflamed until I make it that way!

So I do have to have the control here. I'm still going to have automatic responses to pick sometimes (the amzing thing about it is the way this behavior modifies itself no matter how many stops we put in place. Like when I started using the compact mirror it was the first time using only one hand became pleasurable, or how even though my nails are cut right now I could still go at it).

The key here is not to see anything as failure and continue making this fade away my goal. I can't give up because of a setback and decide to wait for the next big epiphany that will never come. I can't let pressure make my decisions. I can't forced myself to do anything and I can't treat this like an illness that can't be cured because it is a behavior that can be changed.

[anonymousartist]

Last night I did some writing in my online journal. I didn't feel like sleeping, and writing around on the boards made me feel like I had to "fix" a few things in that little world. I needed to make that mode of expression open so that I could feel like I was getting somewhere by writing in it. (If anyone wants the addy pm me or something, do we even have those here?) I thought I might decide to be out with the picking thing but I didn't...it didn't fit into what I was writing. The poin t is, I felt like I was writing in a meaningful way again and it was nice as hell.

Now that I think about it, though, maybe it's better that picking isn't so publicized. It allows us to have forums like this one that even though they're public enough to access by anyone, no one's really going to voyuerize it too much. We have a sort of private yet open place to get help. Imagine how obnoxious it would be to suddenly have every commercial on TV be about the latest stop picking scam medicine. Why on earth would we ever want to become the next low carb diet?

Anyway I'm bored so that's why I'm updating. After I think I'm going to turn on some music and try to relax. I just watched Mean Girls....and well, don't we all sort of love being mean to each other? It is very crazy. Like here for example, and I have no right to say it but I know I'm going to anyway: It was a pretty decent movie but Lindsay Lohen (sp?) is a crappy actress and she looks like Malcolm in the Middle. Wow....I'm a bitch. But this is the exact reason no one should worry about their flaws, because people who point them out seriously only do it to be bitches. It makes us think we're powerful or some shit. Being a bitch used to be frowned upon.....

Sorry, tangent. So when I got up this morning and went into the bathroom this morning I looked at my face in the mirror (I had like two healing blemishes that I noticed but they weren't bothering me or really disturbing my complexion) and then I went for the little compact mirror for closer inspection and of course found some teeny tiny whiteheads...prime for poppin' type stuff, the kind that would hurt just a little...but then I ended up not doing it. I looked in the big mirror again and thought....heh...almost my whole face is clear, why would I want to ruin that? That felt pretty damn good, when the urge passed, even though it still feels insecure.

Of course one of my friends called a bit later trying to convince me to get this really rediculous job that I had always joked about getting and so then after that call I stressed about it a bit because I really don't want to have to stop everything and try to get this job (because besides it really was ridiculous) and those little zits that weren't even big enough to be noticed got popped and now I have red spots...

I'm not pleased with how they look and I know what made me do it. And I think those are good signs. Even though I'm still compulsively picking at things I'm finding blemishes more and more annoying (omg some asshole must've hung friggen wind chimes outside I am so pissed off at my neighbors right now! -- Little sounds really irritate me) and I'm starting to see this in the obnoxiously practical light that, if I'm so bored that I need to resort to playing with my body in this way (because in essence sometimes that's what it is) than I need to find something else to do. Guess I really have to start getting busy with better things, even if they are things that make me anxious, and just remind myself that I will feel accomplished when they are done.

So that's that.

(now how to I go about relaxing without missing or longing for someone or falling asleep?)

[anonymousartist]

crap. I was pretty bad today. I guess not so bad, I stopped myself eventually. *sigh* If I can stay away from picking for the rest of the week I'll have clear skin for my sister's graduation, which would be really good because half the town I went to high school in shows up for those things, and if I run into anyone I want to look nice (wow....I lost 30 pounds since high school).

I guess I sort of have this ideal vision of what this summer should be like. I want to take advantage and then I go ahead and let things that stress me out get in the way, so then I get stressed that I'm not enjoying myself because I shouldn't enjoy myself. I should just go ahead and live out my little fantasy summer and head for the beach every day and start my own silkscreen business and take good care of myself.

I did some reading a while back about cravings in the Dhammapada (it's Buddhist scripture for those unfamiliar). I can't really imagine kicking any cravings, but supposedly they are bad news (it makes sense to think about it....cravings make us miserable until we relieve them). Maybe neither indulging nor depriving myself of the things I crave are going to change it though, there must be another answer. When I have something I want to do, craving do slip me up, and they do seem to be connected to emotions, but I haven't figured out how to relieve (or even totally define) the emotions that bring them on without diving into some kind of comfort food or movie or something. I mean....how does one who lives alone cure loneliness? How do I cure boredom without stressing myself out with something unpleasant to do? Maybe I only think things are unpleasant because I actually fear doing them, and maybe even being good at them...too good at them. I don't know if I fear that I will obsess over them or if I already do.

[anonymousartist]

crap! I was really pretty bad today. I shouldn't make goals for myself, like to stop now so I'll have clear skin by the end of the week, because I always sabotage those.

Oh well, no good to beat myself up about. Treated with erythromycin pads. Going to stop complicating simple little tasks for myself and just do them.

[anonymousartist]

I was doing really good today 'til I sat down in front of the tv and got a bit bored after dinner, I guess.....actually, more indecisive.

I didn't pick anything until at least 6pm, when I came home after going to the beach for a walk (which was fun, but damn it was too hot out, I think I'm going to have to start doing that in the morning and bring more water with me).

I guess I'll have to make evening time a time to really be careful. If I really feel and urge to pick I'll remind myself that my goals shouldn't change between morning and evening and night ('cause I really did make sure I didn't pick at all this morning even though there were some spots I could've gone at).

Really though, it's not too too bad. I'm still not picking at everything I used to go at. Still can't believe what it had come down to, and how much I must have been picking on a regular basis to feel like my skin is more clear now than it was (and it is). So even just keeping all this in mind and keeping a go at stopping is helping even when I do defeat myself, because it is lessening the degree.

Still kinda wish I had had a whole day behind me now. Try again tomorrow.

[anonymousartist]

Past couple of days haven't been totally great. The other night I had an ugly-ish slip later at night. Wasn't so much of a problem yesterday, though.

Going out of town to my mom's for a couple days. Last time I did that I really fell victim to the damn mirror in her bathroom that I could get right up to. Man, I sound like I'm trying to re-condition a cat or something (which is near impossible so glad I'm only human ).

I think once I get back from that trip the pressure will be off and I can really concentrate on stopping without starting again just to not stop, make any sense?

I also got my nutrition book in the mail and it had some tips on behavior modification (for diet, of course) but when I get back I'll type some up and apply them to picking. Should be good fun.

[anonymousartist]

So I survived my mom's house for 4 days. Actually, things were good. I did, however, put some depilatory on my face before going (well and other umm, areas, such as legs) and I must've left it on too long 'cause DAMN did I have itchy spots. I went crazy trying to stay away from my face, expecially since I had a graduation party 3 days into the trip to attend (umm, well, it was at my house 'cause it was my sister's party). My skin was broken out and itchy and in retrospect, I guess I didn't do that bad. Afterward I totally wrecked my face though. I admit it wasn't very interesting though, maybe I'm reconciling the need to pick?

So now I'm back at my house. My skin got hella dry on top of irritated. I put some desitin on it tonight. Hopefully the scabs will be lesser tomorrow and I'll start allll over. Haven't been terribly bad about my arms, but I definitely have a problem with them while watching tv (usually when I'm thinking I should be doing something other than sitting).

[anonymousartist]

*sing with me now*

crap crap crap crap crap crap. Crap crap crap crap crap.

My car is broken. I'm not sure how broken (and won't know 'til I can get it, probably tow it, to a shop). But broken enough to stress me out. Stress is bad for picking. I still want to stop picking. This is going to become more of a challenge.

crap crap crap crap crap.

Maybe I can spend some of my long weekend babying myself. Taking care of myself, trying not to anticipate, trying to kill this anxiousness. I don't really want to worry that my car may have to be junked. I have a feeling it'll turn out ok. I do tend to worry about damnation though. That's how I am.

I should meditate on worrying or something. Worrying won't change it. Being emotionally upset before I really know whether or not I can deal with this is not going to change things. Ripping up my skin is not going to be all that comforting (yes it will).

I feel strange trying to see the positive angles of this. Yet I already see them coming out. I'm afraid to admit them to myself becuase it's not my usual self. I am desperately afraid to be healthy. I'm afraid to be glad that I have good friends after I've felt so screwed over by other friends.

I'm more afraid to not be afraid of my surroundings than I am actually afraid of those surroundings.

Three.

I had to stop at a scary gas station last night. My car was barely running. I had to go in and pay cash. I was shaking getting out of the car but I got in, I interacted, I got out, FINE, even when my car was getting stuck in the middle of the street.

A creepy bum (he didn't really look like a bum) seemed to follow me and my friend today, while talking to himself. Probably a schizo or something. He wasn't really following us, or maybe he was at first. But we kept a good distance. Fine. Everything was fine.

Then some creep at the post office eyed me up. Apparently he yelled some shit at my friend, too. But I cautiously ignored the fucking creep and nothing happened.

I can handle myself and situations. Maybe I can crack this anxiety bullshit. I think I am starting to feel more faith in the expressions I want to make. Maybe that's making the difference. This quiet artisitic growth (I haven't done any tangible work with this creative burst, yet). I'm starting to hunger for it now though, to put myself out there, to accomplish some of the things I truly feel like accopmlishing. To not sacrifice everything I want and feel to an anxiety or a pain I suffer.

Some people seem to have this misunderstanding of Karma (or maybe my interpretation is off too). It's not some magical way that the universe pays you back for everything you've ever done wrong. It's a way of consequence. It's a way we suffer at our bad deeds for some reason. If I robbed a bank I might set off a chain reaction of people pissed off at me enough to send me to jail. I didn't just end up there. If I talk behind someone's back there is always the chance they will find out. If I bring ease and comfort to someone their ease and comfort will make them more apt to do good work with themselves and this could in some way effect me. If I take care of myself others can take my cue. If someone hurts me, it is part of their bad karma. Anger or hate toward them doesn't hurt them. They only hurt me because they are already suffering. So I know I shouldn't fear. This is the reason never to fear bad things.

So why do I fear the good things? That they could be taken away, that if I try I might fail? What kind of suffering is that? Is it attachment?

I need to give myself the freedom to heal and the freedom to fail. There's no reason to prolong my bad habits jsut to fuel a progression.

Myself, my car, my surroundings, my skin, my body, have had much abuse done to them. They fail me sometimes because they've been mistreated. They deserve compassion and many chances to change, many chances to heal.

[anonymousartist]

I haven't updated lately because I didn't feel like I was making a lot of progress (ok I was slipping more backward) but I'm ready to jump back on this. I'm having one of those nights where I don't feel restful enough to sleep and I have a zillion things to write about. I'll probably hit up my livejournal too when I'm done (It's at www. livejournal.com/~luvlorn if anyone is interested.)

Tonight I managed something pretty good. I grazed for spots on my back and found a few that were very tempting and I stopped myself. I questioned it, but I still didn't do it! On one hand sometimes I view this whole compulsive behavior as just a habit, something I could toss if I just keep reminding myself to stop (when I was a child I peeled my nails all the time, sometimes 'til they were too far down and hurt. It was sort of the same type of behavior. I really liked doing it. But when i decided I wanted to stop, all I had to do was remind myself every time I caught myself doing it to stop. Now I only do it if I have a rough or broken nail surface that's annoying me, and it even feels wrong to peel a nail off. It's just not something I'm compelled to do anymore). But for some reason I do have an attachment to picking that makes me question if I really want to stop at all. Hate to say it but I enjoy it more than I do clear skin. It scares me to think what it'll be like to have really clear skin and no longer have anything to obsess about fixing on it.

Damn, losing my train of thought. Whatever.

So there's this issue of time. I've always been not so fond of time, plans, time management. They stress me out. So I am pretty sure deleting or changing a habit requires the element of time, as I've written about before. I'm now thinking that what makes us pickers and not just people who are annoyed at a pimple or pore, often is the issue of how much time we spend at it. We often zone out so much we can't feel pain (maybe we are trying not to think about painful things) and we allow ourselves to lose track of time for long lengths. Maybe there is something our brains are doing during that time that is necessary to us in some way. So I'm thinking that any replacement habit needs to be something that requires enough time to allow the brain to do whatever it was doing while we were picking (and maybe if we give this time with something loving and nurturing to ourselves instead of destruction we will eventually be better at keying in on it. Or maybe we just can't fall for a fake happiness).

I think the lack of time it takes to slap ourselves on the wrist and say no to picking (or also compulsive food cravings in my case) is what is making them impossible to work. Because if I actually argue with myself for a while my mind can be changed, assuming I don't try to use that as an excuse to cut myself short.

Also, my compulsion o pick or eat are often part of a tendency to want to spare time. Most people call it wasting time. To me it's a lifeline. I want to blame indecisiveness sometimes. But I often hit up the mirror because I don't know what to do next, or more importantly, I don't know if what I think of doing next is the "right" thing. How could it be the wrong thing? Isn't this my life? Aren't I an adult? Aren't I intelligent? Why can't I just do what I really want to do and live my life the way I envision life being right for me?

I'm trying to figure out what it is that stops me from being me.
That's another thing. I was thinking of something random, oh yes, it was the guy I was "in love with" in high school. All of a sudden I thought, that wasn't me! I mean, it was. I was obsessed. But he's not even the guy I go for. All I did was try to convince myself that I wanted him. All I've tried to do is convince myself that I should conform to this and that and whatnot. And this picking thing, is it me? Is it an integral part of who I really am? Who the hell am I? That could become very confusing if my recent education that partly relied on what graphic design and typography was not good is any indication. It could take a while of deciding what I'm not to figure out what I am.

And that's where I'll take it to Livejournal 'cause I wanted to write about art and some other things in there.

[anonymousartist]

So far today I'm messed with some body acne, grazed my back a little too much, probably would've picked at that one spot I had avoided picking, but it doesn't have "that texture" anymore.

But! I went to the mirror and I have a decent sized whitehead on my nose. Normally I wouldn't be too pissed at myself for picking something like that, but I knew why it was there: 'cause I squeezed other spots on my nose in that area. So I said to myself, "I caused, not going to pick it" and so I managed not to. I also avoided other little tiny whiteheads when I caught myself looking for them in my compact mirror.

Basically, I know I'm just going to have to keep at making efforts.

Oh! and I had the stupidest dream last night (it invovled some cracked out family stealing my computer and selling it on e-bay!) but in it I had picked a spot on my cheek and my whole side of my face swelled up something aweful. Then I told someone what I did and they gave me some benedryl cream to make it better. (I totally know this was based on the time my chin swelled up because I squeezed at it too much and caused an infection).

[anonymousartist]

I took a break from trying to "ZT" for a bit. I've still been trying to stop picking, but I've slipped a lot. Time to get back to stopping permanently.

I went to class today and had to sit in a pretty crampy space (usually I can get seats with no one next to me in the auditorium. I looked down at my arms and the crappy flourescent lighting just highlighted the red marks on my arms. Now sunlight highlights scars. I want them clear by my next school day on Tuesday, so I can also get some hair removal done.

Earlier this week I was in a very picky mood (and kinda snacky, too) and I meesed up my face for the first time in a while. Like, messed up to the point I had turned tiny white bumps into big ugly infections. They hurt and they were annoying and I hadn't remembered how much they hurt. I think I am emotionally detached enough from this now to leave it the hell alone. Picking has been hurting me, and maybe I'll never realize how much...I mean, I used ot have really bad eating habits and those hurt me enough to put on about 80 or so excess pounds. I'm cleansing that as much as possible now, trying to lose the weight, and stopping picking goes with it too. I don't know what gets in my way so much of doing these things for myself, but whatever they are, I'm not going to let them anymore.

I can heal. Yep, I can. I'm going to. Healing is beautiful.