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Post by anonymousartist on Sept 21, 2004 15:27:48 GMT -5
Ok, so I've been dong relatively good. I wanna butcher my face at times though. These concerts have me a little panicky. Why do I have to feel so on edge for something that's fun? Why do I punish myself? I gotta work on calming down.
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Post by anonymousartist on Oct 3, 2004 16:47:27 GMT -5
eww i've beeen pretty picky today. I think I migth be PMSing. I want it to be PMS. I wanna blame it alllllllllll on PMS. I just gotta remind myself to stay off, I guess. Keep reminding myself. It's getting easier. My skin's getting clearer and I don't wanna botch that every chance I get. Eating healhy has gotten a lot easier too  |
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Post by anonymousartist on Oct 24, 2004 18:28:03 GMT -5
Ugh. I've been doing some bad picking the past few days. I really need to keep this journal up right now, I guess. Maybe daily updates will help me keep my eye on the goal, which is to stop completely. I feel like if I don't now I won't ever so I'd better keep at it better.
Partly I'm doing this 'cause I'm procrastinating again and driving myself crazy. I don't know why I do this. Why can't I just sit down and start something? Why do I have to think things to death without finding a real solution? Why do I wait until the last minute and have to find myself so fucking tired out? I'm ruining my life here. Maybe it's 'cause I don't think I deserve a good life. Maybe I don't know what any of it is for anymore. Maybe I'm just not feeling the passion in anything I do anymore. Our whole generation is about being boring and it's so frustrating.
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Post by anonymousartist on Nov 12, 2004 11:12:59 GMT -5
I am gonna start this up again. I was feeling better a few months ago and lately not so much, so time to remind myself to do good, healthy things for myself and to stop picking! There's just no reason to hold onto this habit anymore, yet I do. I need to stop getting caught in my head and stop getting caught in the mirror.
a quote I really like:
"The goals, if you can call it a goal, because it's something I try not to do, I try not to look into the future too much. As a song writer it's fatal to look to far ahead as to what you're going to do because you get locked up in your brain and music comes from the heart. I am continually trying to get out of the way of the creative spirit and just let it flow. Whatever that flower looks and smells like will be what it will be and there's not much more to say about it other than it will be what it is."
-- Eddie Kowalczyk
I sort of want to apply that to my schoolwork. I want to stop letting my anxiety and apprehension get in the way.
later, kids.
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Post by anonymousartist on Nov 12, 2004 13:23:25 GMT -5
so what do I know I end up having a small picking session shortly after I post. Ah well. I am trying to remind myself to do this for my health (that and eat healthy too, and get some exercise). Anyway I probably really need to start watching myself...having all these random dizzy spells todya. I need to do homework today otherwise I might be tempted to go out shopping for a bicycle, which I really want to start doing, to get fresh air, feel like I'm going somewhere, lose weight. I wanna work on my business that I want to start....I want to screen print t-shirts and sell them online. I'm so afraid I'll fail though. So afraid. I guess since I have most of the materials if they don't sell I could just give them away for christmas or something? I would so love to do this, why don't I just do it? Why don't I put myself first? Little bit of faith....I need faith in myself. I need something.
And I'm all lovelorn and pissy lately. Time to ditch the current thoughts of current guys and go out looking for new again. It'll make me feel better to just give up on things that aren't working. Yep, stop trying to work with them and throw them the hell out (like when something isn't working graphically....it's for a reason....there isn't necessarily a way to make it work. I have problems with that. I think I differ with my professor 'cause he seems to think "the solution is in the problem." It's not quite creative that way. I think the problem is with the problem.
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Post by anonymousartist on Nov 13, 2004 21:08:34 GMT -5
I'm stressing doing homework but I kee telling myself to do it tonight because it's saturday and I can't do this whole anxiety mess again on sunday (I really can't...I have to have something printed by monday). So at least if I end up staying up all night tonight there is always some of tomorrow left over for sleeping. I have too many projects hanging over my head.
I'm doing better with the picking. Some here and there. I need to concentrate on healing. And if it comes down to a next time, I must absolutely remind myself how much it bloody sucks to have all those flakes of dry skin and scabs peeling off during the healing process. Make-up doesn't love it.
I just want to have some peace. Some real peace.
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Post by anonymousartist on Nov 13, 2004 21:54:58 GMT -5
Oh look, I'm back.
Well, haven't started on homework yet. Should get to it, eh?? Well I am already feeling less stressed, because since I'm doing it tonight I can really look at the proofs (yep, gotta print lots of proofs if I wanna know what I'm looking at). I guess I could lighten the load a little more even if I figure on getting the printing done tomorrow evening instead of morning. yep, less stress!
And the real trick to all this? I went on a music downloading spree and got a bunch of GOMEZ I haven't heard (and yes I will buy every single album they make as soon as I make the money to do it). Umm....I am in love! Ok, so my fave band is Live but I was thinking how kinda sad it is that there just aren't any of their songs available that I haven't heard (unless someone has a boot of their All Along the Watchtower cover...that would be sweet. I'll have to check for it but I doubt it). Anyway so I definitely haven't heard all of Gomez so there is still the excitement. Ok positively ranting about music but for a while I just haven't been able to feel it. And at the moment, it's hitting me just where I want it to in the get up and dance around like a moron kinda way.
now what's more stressful is that I really actually wanna get working on my three other projects, and I just don't know or feel like I will ever have the time to carry them out! *frown face* I will try though. Yep, I will. Soon as this bastard newsletter project is dead and gone, dear jesus I am effing sick of it. The "client" it's for can take their arts council and shove it.
--Becca
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Post by anonymousartist on Jan 26, 2005 19:16:38 GMT -5
*bumpity*
Well. I'ma start this up again 'cause I just had a pretty shitty pick/trich fest (and I'm usually not into trick....it's hair I don't want anywhere, like leg and such, but still, unreasonable behavior!)
But my arms were looking pretty good today. I didn't slaughter them. But now they'll have new red spots. I think that's why I started the tweexing and pulling, to try and do less picking, but it just fed the desire.
So anyway, I'm going through a lot of shit latley so it might help to keep a journal again where I can whine about things (althoough maybe I'll write in my livejournal, but I don't want to write about picking in there).
That's gonna be it for now. I'm havin' an insane craving for some McDonald's and I'm gonna give in already.
Later.
-Becca
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Post by anonymousartist on Jan 27, 2005 16:29:24 GMT -5
ok, so my skin had been getting annoying to me, itchy and whatnot, so last night I decided that while I was watching Ashlee Simpson and was pretty done with everything else for the night that I was going to do I would go ahead and give myself a facial. So I did a clay mask, I moisturised, and I felt lots better, having clean skin and cleaner pores.
I switched regular moisturisers so I think my skin went a little bonkers over it, even though i know the one I switched to will be better 'cause there's no fragrances in it and I used to use it before (it went crazy last time I switched 'cause I bought the wrong one). And I kinda kept hands off this morning too. I was a little bad, but not too bad. I also did the salicylic acid foundation and powder and bothered with make-up. So, yay!
My skin may not be perfect, but I feel like I've done something to heal it and like it's a bit clearer, faster. My pores were driving me nuts.
I just also made a phone call about the internship I am trying to get and stupidly forgot to say I was in Graphic Design when I left a message, but oh well. I mentioned the girl who gave me the number so maybe that's enough reference. Hoping someone will get back to me so I don't end up in deep shit. That reminds me, I need to get an iron and ironing board in case I get an interview 'cause I have clothes to wear but I don't want them wrinkly!!!
ooooh, and I just remembered I have a cute skirt I can wear out clubbing tomorrow night with my bestest ever friend. I hope no creepy old guys get up all on me in it though. That would be uncool. I need to find a top to go with it. My legs are kind of a mess though, maybe it's not a great idea. Clay mask for my legs! whoohoo. Actually I'm gonna desitin them right now. It just looks a mess 'cause I get razorburn and then pick at it.
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Post by anonymousartist on May 19, 2005 11:19:28 GMT -5
Here we go again!
Been ages since I updated this thread. I've decided it's time to go as close to pick free as possible. Several reasons: no excuses. It's now or never. I'm out of school so I don't need it as a coping mechanism. I'm going to learn to manage my life and that'll include getting the free time that picking used to afford me. I also want clear skin, of course. (I also have my eye on a guy that I REALLY like. He lives out of state though.)
I'm working on my weightloss again as well. Not so good with the diet lately but I've been going running. I would walk before but since I sucked so bad at running I found it embarrassing and got annoyed that I could only do it for a couple minutes at a time. Well I'm getting better with the distance. I've found a good spot along the water to run (plenty of other people out doing the same thing) and I've got an ipod now (I love and need the music to push me along) so I'm walking/jogging and I have to say I really like it!!!!
One of the things I realize is that it's very important just to keep going even when I don't want to (I learned this from weightloss but it applies to other things). There will be results even if I don't feel the best at the time about getting there. I also think what someone posted on the boards about reminding me that this is my compulsion telling me to pick and that I don't really have to is helping a lot. The thing is if I exercise regularly and eat right I WILL lose the weight even if I don't always feel it (obviously I have a disconnect I am trying to correct here) and if I don't pick for long enough I WILL lose the desire to.
I still believe that habits are purely about how often you repeat them. If you do the same thing every day for long enough no matter how much work it is or how much you like it or hate it, it will become a habit and you'll just run on automatic eventually. If you stop repeating it for long enough (which is hard since it's on automatic) you will eventually lose the habit (possibly without even noticing eventually).
For me I think it's that cut and dry. I don't have any real emotional problems propelling this at the moment (have I mentioned that I'm HAPPY lately? And I'm MOTIVATED. It's so good to have lost the pressure of school.) I've managed to stop other habits like eating chicken nuggets every day or chocolate every day or peeling my nails (that was a long time ago).
So I'm ready for a real ZT now. I know cold turkey may be impossible but at every pass I want to be able to say "stop picking" to myself and stop. I want to cut back as far as possible and leave this habit behind. (I also don't believe that it has to be replaced with another habit). What I need right now is mindful awareness and love.
--Becca
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Post by anonymousartist on May 19, 2005 11:35:16 GMT -5
I should also add that picking is my coping mechanism for stress and anxiety. Even before school ended I think that an increase in inositol in my diet and being able to step out of my head and into a project (my thesis project) really helped me make a major stride with my anxiety. I've had few panic attacks since. It doesn't mean I'm tackling everything at once or just right, but I will. NO PRESSURE. I'm also not stressed out by school anymore since I'm done with it and I have some money while I figure out what to do with myself.
I thought I would end up having nothing to do once I graduated but I've been kept pretty busy and I'm enjoying it. When I go home, instead of worrying about what I HAVE to do for homework I'm thinking of things I want to do. I'm finally getting bored and finding things to do instead of finding ways out of doing things (well maybe not all things...my apartment needs serious cleaning!)
And I also need to get out of my perfectionist drive mode. I realized last night that I've had it for a long time and I think it may have come from my father. He used to make me and my sisters do hard labor when we were kids, like shoveling a couple feet of snow at a time, or hauling heavy branches. I remember that it wasn't ok to pull a few weeds a day, but I had to do the whole lawn at once, and I remember working frustratedly to get ALL the ice off the driveway (It was a very big driveway and I'm pretty sure we did all of it each time. I had a very sore back in fifth and sixth grades because of this). When my room wasn't cleaned I'd get yelled at on a saturday morning and told I couldn't eat until it was clean (I came up with the genius idea of shoving everything under the bed). My homework time was never broken up, just hours of working on it (and here is where I eventually got control because my grades were always very good). While these things were being reinforced all the time and I had a fear of being severely punished if I didn't do things right I didn't learn any real problem solving skills. I didn't learn time management. I didn't learn to organize things as I went. I learned to group things into huge and impossible tasks instead. And so no wonder when I picked my skin I couldn't stop, and when I wanted to lose wieght I wanted it all at once. No wonder my apartment is a mess because I expect to clean the whole thing in a day.
IT'S GOOD TO DO THINGS A LITTLE AT A TIME. and it's bad to get overwhelmed. It's good to relax. It's good to get enough sleep. It's good to eat right. It's good to exercise. It's good to let the skin heal. It's good to take care.
--Becca
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Post by anonymousartist on May 20, 2005 10:07:38 GMT -5
damn. You know what my problem is? I fricken forget I want to stop. I forget why. Or I just don't stop. I dunno. From now on, every time I catch myself, I must simply stop whether I want to or not. This will work. I will be successful. I want it damnit.
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Post by anonymousartist on May 21, 2005 12:55:14 GMT -5
ehh. not doin' so good, so just a reminder to myself: STOP PICKING, DAMNIT! hah, that should do i I'm getting cystic little bastards on my chin. Must be the sweat from the running I've been doing lately. Oh well, screw my skin, I'm losing weight and getting sun and it feels good. Time to go find something to do with myself (like get some exercise and clean this apartment before I have a serious allergy attack). |
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Post by anonymousartist on May 21, 2005 16:22:56 GMT -5
damn I am so picky. wish it would just stop! real tense about a stupid boy thing too. Oh well, I got to talk to a perfectly wonderful man overseas just a bit ago and well, it's nice to have one I can trust with opinions and stuff even if he isn't physically here.
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Post by anonymousartist on May 21, 2005 21:02:51 GMT -5
since i check the boards so much (i check a few things so much, I'm not obsessed or whatever) I might as well post as much. Still gotta stop picking. But I will! I know I can do this. And the best part is, once it's over, it'll be over. Like, I won't have to wonder, "can I wear this" which will be great because I'm thinner than I used to be and I want to wear tanks and cute skirts now! And cute dresses! CUTENESS SHALL OVERCOME!!!! (but right now that disgusting sink in my kitchen is about ready to overcome me with allergies so I must get a-cleanin'. Man if I cleaned instead of picked........hey.....NOT A BAD IDEA!!!!!
Ok, here we go (see how much writing helps, I hadn't thought of that two minutes ago). Every time I catch myseld picking, I gotta go clean a little something. And trust, there is always much to clean.
Luv!
--becca
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