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Post by anonymousartist on May 22, 2005 10:48:01 GMT -5
well, since I haven't quite gotten out of bed yet today and been tooling around on the internet (I have a powerbook that sits next to me when I go to bed 'cause then I can play music or movies or whatever) and so now is the perfect time to remind myself NO PICKING. I'm on ZT and I mean business! Donald trumplike-bad-hair, BUSINESS!
mmmm......beautiful clear skin. think it with me people. we can have it.
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Post by anonymousartist on May 22, 2005 13:19:26 GMT -5
oooh I almost just did one on my arms (I was totally grazing come to think of it) and I said "no, don't pick at it" so one down. caught myself. I dunno about my cleaning rule, that probably won't work, but I'm trying to get some cleaning done today anyway.
Ever notice how we see these tasks like cleaning as so immense (well you do if you're a procrastinator and you only do it when it all has to be done at once) but most of the daily maintenance type of things only take a few minutes! A half hour a day and my place is livable. If I put in a couple hours, well I imagine I can get a lot done so I'll only have to put in a half hour a day. Oh, I will get this straight. I will.
And I won't pick!
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Post by anonymousartist on May 23, 2005 12:12:01 GMT -5
did not do so perfect last night (two obnoxious, sort of irregular for me inflammations on my face with tiny whiteheads. they were screamin' to be picked, and god it hurt!)
But this morning, doing quite well. I'm seeing my arms almost CLEAR! and I've resisted a couple of very easy to pick white heads. I hope I can keep this up (pish, I know I can, it's just a matter of DOING IT rather than talking about it).
And everyone should read the selfinjuriousskinpicking book link that Froglet posted in the tips for quitting board. It explains exactly what we're doing to our skin and I know that it will help me to stop when I think about how my body is supposed to heal itself, and that I'm only hurting it by picking.
*repeats* Picking will never do me any good.
Kickin' ass. Have some faith!
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Post by anonymousartist on May 24, 2005 11:02:45 GMT -5
do it baby do it! .......or something.
Morning again, or afternoon, depending how you look at it. I did pretty damn well yesterday. Barely picked at all. Had a late night stint with a couple zits above my eyebrow (damn I hate that too, distorts how my eyebrows look).
I also went out for a walk even though I wasn't sure I wanted to. I ended up doing a bit of running, and actually made almost an entire lap around my building! I was really cool, finally hit an endorphine high (I also bought some clothes to run in, but I really need to go looking for sneakers today because my anke hurts like a bitch, from not enough shock absorption I assume). In fact I wasn't feeling too well last night at all, and I may take it as a sign to slow down for today (and do some fun clothes shopping....oooh! I should bring my ipod!).
I also did an at-home french manicure last night. First time doing it (I used to do them by eye-balling it) so they don't look perfect and I need to totally re-do a couple, but it was fun. I think taking care of my nails will help remind me not to pick, plus I want to grow them out so my fingers will look longer. They do actually grow, I just neglected the poor things forever. And I like that hard feeling to them when they're done. Hope it might help me stop picking as well, partly because I'll pay attention to my fingers before I put them to my skin, partly for the relaxation time, and partly 'cause it reminds me how my best friend stopped biting her nails and how she is working to make them look healthy again (since it is the same kinda disorder, ya know?)
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Post by anonymousartist on May 24, 2005 22:47:50 GMT -5
anxiety rears its ugly head....
so my toilet has been running constantly. Ok, well I live in an apartment. I could just call maintenance. *wrong* I hate calling maintenance. And I hate having to clean the apartment so maintenance could come. Actually, I let the stupid thing run for quite some time before it started leaking through the flushy thing. So at that point I figured, what the hell? I probably just needs a new rubber thingy (flapper) so I bought it, put it in, but it didn't fix the problem! Probably because something on a valve broke by just me touching it (really old parts here). So that wouldn't shut off at all, and so I turned the water down (after almost flooding the bathroom) so it just wouldn't run as much. That was working, but the water running was constant and annoying. So today I bought a new fill valve, (another few bucks, really) and fixed the damn thing (lots more work). Hey, it stops running now! BUT!!!!! Mother fucker.....the pipes and shit are so fucking old there's a small leak near the water shut-off valve. And no I won't be taking apart any of that shit, because that would be serious damage if I fuck it up, plus I'd never be able to shut off the water so I'd just flood the whole fucking place. But now there's this new bastard leak and more wet floor and now I'm just gonna hope there's some kind of threading I can use to seal it off (I don't care if the parts move) 'cause now if I call maintenance I'm going to look like a dick for having replaced stuff myself. I hate the world. I hate not owning my own stuff. And I'd write about this in livejournal but I'm a little embarassed and I just updated that. And yeah, it made me want to pick SOOOOOOO BAD! And I resisted. But I did pull all the nailpolish off (after having to actually scrub some of it off 'cause there was old nasty rubber parts in my nails. yuck!)
ok, just plain annoyed. doing ok not picking though.
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Post by anonymousartist on May 25, 2005 22:08:14 GMT -5
I'm having a bit of a hard time resisting at the moment (as in, my mind is playing tricks on me, telling me to pick some whiteheads, which of course wouldn't have existed at all if I weren't trying to stop picking them. This is the trap, it's like I've saved up a bunch of "good ones" to get at. But if I do it, I gotta start all over again!)
So anyway, I need to remind myself:
So far I'm kicking ass. It's a really good reason to keep going!
My skin is HEALING itself. Let my skin do the work, not my fingers. It can do the best job itself.
If I don't pick anymore, I won't have scabs and I will have fewer breakouts, period.
My whole face looks pretty when it's clear. When I have red spots it creates a different, distorted gestault.
I am beautiful from inside out.
If I keep going, eventually I won't want to pick anymore, and this urge will GO AWAY.
THIS PARTICULAR URGE WILL PASS
this urge may be a sign that I need something else, right now, maybe sleep, or rest, or meditation. It may mean I need food sometimes. It may mean I am anxious sometimes. It may mean I am hurting emotionally sometimes. And I may not always be able to have all of the things that I need or want at the time, and in those times where I can't find comfort, I will seek compassion.
Picking cannot really make me feel better, it cannot heal my skin, and I CANNOT DO GOOD BY PICKING.
I am convinced of these things and it is my choice, I am taking control. I can do this, and it doesn't matter how or if it's perfect. It's a journey, and I can do this.
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Post by anonymousartist on May 26, 2005 9:30:59 GMT -5
just a morning check-in to reaffirm the above. Going to cleanmy apartment today (perfectionism, whatever....I'm going to get as much done as possible) and either go walking, running, or swimming (looks like the weather might suck today, so running might win).
Oh and I didn't pick last night. Mornings and nights are the hardest. Nights because well, they're nights. I usually am tired but somewhat restless and stressed (I bet meditation could seriously help me out). Mornings 'cause something will itch or irritate me and I'll forget I'm not picking anymore. I gotta remember that I don't have to be in a picky fingers mindset anymore. And I'm putting benedryl on anything that itches, to hopefully help me forget about it.
currently listening to music (Gomez) and wishing I could talk to a specific someone online.
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Post by anonymousartist on May 26, 2005 21:18:12 GMT -5
night time update: still doing good but I really wanted to go at a spot on my arm, and I picked a little at blackheads (the texture was annoying me). But that's pretty much it. I just did a hair removal cream on my arms and face so I'm sure there will be challenges if that causes breakout (which it probably will). Oh and I have a big-time sunburn (which sadly I did on purpose to even out this farmer's tan that makes me look stupid in short sleaved t's and sleaveless. That's the only way to get my skin to tan at all. I'm going to buy a good sunscreen and stay protected from now on.
Oh and keeping bottles of nailpolish around (I keep peeling it off my nails) has been distracting me from picking a bit, serving to cure boredom. It doesn't do damage like picking so it's better than picking.
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Post by loop da loop on May 26, 2005 21:22:53 GMT -5
Past couple of days haven't been totally great. The other night I had an ugly-ish slip later at night. Wasn't so much of a problem yesterday, though. Going out of town to my mom's for a couple days. Last time I did that I really fell victim to the damn mirror in her bathroom that I could get right up to. Man, I sound like I'm trying to re-condition a cat or something (which is near impossible so glad I'm only human  ). I think once I get back from that trip the pressure will be off and I can really concentrate on stopping without starting again just to not stop, make any sense? I also got my nutrition book in the mail and it had some tips on behavior modification (for diet, of course) but when I get back I'll type some up and apply them to picking. Should be good fun. |
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Post by loop da loop on May 26, 2005 21:26:42 GMT -5
Thankyou, oops, im shocked, i have at last found what Ive Needed for 27 YEARS..... Cheers artist you helped me already.x
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Post by anonymousartist on May 27, 2005 19:54:05 GMT -5
I'm glad this is helping you. It's helping me a lot right now, to stay on track. That said: DAMN THIS THING ON MY ARM!!!!!! It wants to pop. It's givin' me a lot of trouble. About three days down, and I am losing some urge to pick at all, which is fantastic. I also went running today. And my nails look pretty good sans a chip (I did a french manicure last night. Makes me feel all glam and pretty ). I'm not going to give into this little bastard on my arm. I have a feeling that giving in to one is like giving in to the whole thing again, and I want to quit. I don't think I can totally resist though so I'm going to put a band-aid over it. Whatever it takes. I'm trying to stop the bad habit without creating any new bad habits and that's all that matters. |
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Post by anonymousartist on May 28, 2005 14:14:54 GMT -5
just an update:
wearing a bandaid on my arm. I really don't even want to pop this thing (not that it doesn't feel pressurized) but I'm covering it so I don't even do it by accident or without thinking. Most of the whiteheads on my face are teeny tiny and no one would ever notice them (I wouldn't, without a compact mirror). I'm doing fairly well considering I also did a hair removal treatment so the skin is a bit irritated. There's a spot on my lower stomach giving me trouble. At least its easy to cover up. So showering and changing clothes are the danger zones I have to remember.
Amazing how I'm more motivated to stop just because I have stopped for a few days. I have to remind myself that I'll have to work harder to get back here if I start again. My skin on my arms is almost scab-free. (I'm ignoring any little clogged pores, as I should, if I want to stop picking at them).
So in the moment I'm strong, and its all about stopping old tendencies from flying back in the window. But whether I want it bad enough or not at any moment, I can't have this be over without staying stopped, and I want it over.
I also need to work on my diet and I'm giving myself a break from running today (possibly tomorrow too 'cause I'm going to a concert) even though technically my goal isn't to run, but to walk at least an hour a day, so I guess I really could. But I keep letting it all take too much time and I need to get some cleaning done and I want to work on some yoga and stretching tonight so that my body will feel more in balance, and hopefully I'll also get more restful sleep, and just, well, live happier. 'Cause monday it's time to start business hours! Yep, my time will be spent working on my own business and researching to look for any other jobs I might want. I need to start making money.
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Post by anonymousartist on May 29, 2005 12:00:07 GMT -5
damnit this is harder than I want it to be right now. The thing on my arm...still there. Actually, if it gets bigger I am going to pop it and treat it with anti-biotic, only because it might be infected, but I'm sitll holding faith that it'll go away on its own before I pop it. Now this damn thing I discovered on ym leg (razor bump with whitehead) is actually an enflamed part of an old stretchmmark too, so the whole area is kind of sore. I want to get it OUT!!!! Damn damn damn. Oh and I went at a few spots last night, partly 'cause of a breakout on my temples, of all places, but I didn't go at my whole face. So there. It's just my hands are trained at this point to go look for these things and pop them, and it was kinda fun to pop them, so now it's like all this "fun" is saved up, and I am trying to resist all of it. And I have to keep telling myself, I want to stop, and whether I like it or not at this point it's over. I'm done. I'm stopping now. I don't want to be a picker anymore. But on the plus side, my upper arms show basically no signs of picking and are almost totally clear and I'm going to wear a sleaveless top tonight Rock! --muchos luv, becca |
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Post by anonymousartist on May 30, 2005 10:48:21 GMT -5
i was picky as hell yesterday. Finally went at it, not everything, but too much. I guess I was feeling a little shitty, plus I was too tired. Not so sure what to do with myself lately. But no picking so far today, and I'll definitely try my hardest to keep it that way. And I did get to wear that sleaveless top yesterday. And a good thing, 'cause it was hot as hell in the concert venue I was at. I think I have a good tolerance for heat but all I could think about during the opening band (which was really good btw) was how uncomfortable I was. Ah well.
Nothing left to do but try again. Learn from this little failure.
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Post by anonymousartist on May 31, 2005 12:26:06 GMT -5
time to update!
Well, notice I get looser on updates when I'm not doing so well *oy* Had a late night or two, fell back into the habit. Time to start resisting again. There's so many reasons I don't want to pick, and well, besides that tiny little pleasure, there's no reasons I do want to pick. It's like trying not to scratch an itch, and all I have to do is promise myself that it will go away (and I know it will). So, I went about 3 or four days doing really well before. Time to get back to it on a serious level. I want clear skin again (yes, it was virtually clear!) And I don't want to have to think or worry about it if I go to VA to see my guy friend or whatever he is since I'm obsessed with him.
Haven't been running in quite a few days so I should get back to that as well, or at least walking. I'm sure I'll feel better.
It's hard being in the place I'm in right now. Not sure what to do with myself. The one thing I'm pretty sure of I'm not sure I can have. Just know I want it. Reality's going to hit soon.
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