workwithmenow

[anonymousartist]

quick update (I'm tired as hell!)

Trying to remember to tell myself to stop picking all over again. Hard to catch myself lately, but easier to stop myself. I'll just keep reminding and see what happens. I don't wanna take any measures like sticking notes everywhere right now because for one I know how fast I learn to ignore them and for another I don't want to spook myself into doing it in defiance.

Been mucking up my diet a bit as well, but it's possible I need the change a bit. Time to go back to full speed ahead with that. (Hmm....since weightloss and picking are so tied in right now for me since I am trying to achieve both goals, I think I'll tie both into this thread. That way I don't need to bug everyone on my livejournal friend list with what I ate and crap, hehe. Not that I would list that in full, 'cause I be laaaaazy). It seems like picking and screwy eating habits and lethargy tend to be more like symptoms of me needing to get a hold on overal anxiety and achieve overall self-improvement. So I guess I need to kick anxiety's ass too! Damn, so much, so much. Must get it all going though so I can work on some projects I keep thinking about.

[anonymousartist]

Doing better today. Face is still annoying me (think I've got PMS acne) and arms look like hell. I took a bath in milk, bubble bath with dead sea salts, and some anti-septic bodywash stuff. It all seemed to soften up the bumps I've got now. I've stopped myself a number of times but haven't been able to truly stop picking all day. This just isn't going to go away like magic. I'm making my goal to stop myself every time I notice I'm doing it even if I chose to do it, and that's it. Not going to worry otherwise.

I actually got something useful done today! I cleaned half my bathroom. I've lived in this apartment a year, the place is a mess, I still never even unpacked some things. I'm going to try and throw out or use up some stuff in my bathroom. It's all cheap shit anyway, I don't know why I get down to the end of something and don't finish using it, like I have to conserve or something. Oh well. At least I did something. It may be that it's the time of year that I usually have to pack up and move, but if I keep a pace here I could really make progress with my lazy self, since usually it's like the last two days before summer ends when suddenly I need to do everything. It's nice to do things when it's not the last minute, to be busy and have all the time in the world. I had to pull this motivation out of my ass (since living like a pig hasn't encouraged me) so I'm pretty proud.

I didn't spend too much time obsessing about my diet today, and when I did start (because I know I think about it all too much) I realized I don't have to worry about if I can stick to this tomorrow, or stop picking tomorrow, or get anything done in the long run, but I can keep things working today. I can get things accomplished, and I can plan what I eat and I can work on not picking today. There really is something to the one day at a time thing. We just have to handle things on short terms and we can do anything. I don't know why this is or why it never truly clicked with me before. Maybe it's 'cause our brain chemicals aren't meant to run in anxiety mode all the time. It's kinda like leaving your car on with the engine racing. We need to give oursleves fuel and engery and hope for the future. Whatever gets in the way we can deal with, but it's not happening at the moment, so r_e_l_a_x.

[anonymousartist]

I can't wait.

My skin doesn't look good right now. I haven't stopped picking yet. I want to be able to say I used to do this. I want to be comfortable in my skin and see myself in the body that I live in (have to figure out who that is, if there is anything to that). I want to be able to say that I made changes and I chose to take good care of myself and I found love in everything I did.

[anonymousartist]

I don't think I really did bad at all today. I put doing my paper off way too long so now I am up late. But, I know at some point at least I really wanted to go running to the mirror to release some anxiety. But I didn't go have a picking session (I had to resort to something more naughty.... ) so that is a major accomplishment. It's so stupid this anxiety thing, though, even when I try to push it back it still feels like I'm going to die (not quite literally) and I just get so stuck. I don't know what the hell to do about it. Wonder if I've tried doing nothing yet. Maybe I'll give that a go. Maybe I just need to focus on doing better and do it as often as possible 'til it comes natural, it just feels like it won't.

Anyway, I smell icky now 'cause I put full strength desitin on my arms (out of the not icky kind) and I'm hoping my arms clear a bit more by tomorrow morning. I don't want to have red spots in class again, though I'll probably have a few. And treated my face with anti-biotic pads. Put some retin-A on everything tonight as well. Figure I might as well just use up all the old prescription stuff I have 'cause it's not doing any good in the cabinet and treating regualrly until I can manage to break myself of picking might help, at least make me focus on something else. I'm not terribly good with routine though.

[anonymousartist]

Yesterday was good in picking terms (very exhausting in regular terms as I got up too early and went shopping and was so tired I wanted to cry). I barely picked at all (some after a bath) and I don't think I really messed up anything cosmetically. I guess I was just too busy all day or something and when I got home all I wanted to get to was dinner and relaxing.

I'm going up to my mom's tonight. Going to see my sister in a play. I've had problems being there before (but only for one night this time) so I'll try to stay the hell away from the mirror!

Life is getting busy and it's not bothering me too much which is strange. I'm going to make the best of things. I still need relaxation and alone time but I think I'm getting over the depression I've been trying to get over since last summer. Also it probably has to do with trying to kill the anxiety thing. I can't tell the future damnit, and it doesn't matter what people say or think, I have a life, the only thing I have to do is live it, I don't have to live up to anything. No one really says how people should live (well people do, but I don't think they are doing so great themselves).

rambling....so anyway. ta for now.

[anonymousartist]

I guess I went through somewhat of a relapse recently but I'm feeling stronger about not picking so I'm starting this up again. Time to cut this off (wow, I accidentally typed "shit" instead of "this"...where did that come from?)

I've been working on diet (ok slacking on diet) and exercise lately and I think both of these definitely make me stronger, at least in other parts of my life. I'm starting to let anxiety drop out a little. If I drop the anxiety I drop part of the desire to pick.

I want these things I hate to cease. I wanna love myself.

[anonymousartist]

MUST NOT PICK AT ARMS!!!!

I have my first day back at school tomorrow. I have some spots on my arms. Trying to heal them quick with Retin-A Micro. I really really don't want my arms still messed up by tomorrow and there's a good possibility for clearing up if I leave them the hell alone today ('cause I realized yesterday I needed to let them clear up ASAP). Wearing long sleaves to school isn't an option in 90+ degree heat.

My face has got a few weird/annoying spots. I think I need to re-read this whole thread and then try as hard as I can to just quit. Being emotionally attached to this is not the best thing in the world right now so I'd like to toss it out while I feel I can.

[anonymousartist]

stressed out again...
'cause my car is fucken dead...
in the school parking lot...
and I'm cracked out on Benedryl...
cause it's supposed to help me sleep...
but it's not working...
I hate my car battery...
first day of school was fine 'til that...
Only had a slight panic attack while being late to class...
felt like I was passing out...
went anyway...
gonna be late tomorrrow...
friend picking me up...

I wanted to pick to deal with this. I did pick my face a little. I don't know why. But I wanted to rip up my arms. But I'm frustrated, 'cause they're not healing as fast as I'd like, and under the god-awful school bathroom lighting even the healing spots were red. What I've done to myself sucks bad. I don't want picking to be a part of my life anymore.

I have suspicion that Benedryl may help stop picking, but I'm not sure. It seemed to work when I was coming down off caffeine and got into a picking daze last week. I was having an allergy attack so that's why the Benedryl. Now I'm just on it 'cause I knew I'd be too anxious to sleep right. Guess I have to try though. I'll probably pass out anyway 'cause of the pill.

[anonymousartist]

Wow, the boards are crazy active tonight. I am so tired. I should totally be sleeping. For being this zoned out I guess it is better to be online though than in front of a mirror.

I just don't think I can get used to this school schedule with 9am classes 4 days a week (I had enough trouble putting up with that 2 times a week). It's just so constraining to have a bed time before I'm tired!!!

I wish the whole world would be content with waking up at 10 or later. I mean really, the world is supposed to be getting easier. Why work so many hours for so much less money to fund so much more.....shit?

Mmm...I know what I'll do. I'll maybe go look for a post I was gonna respond to and then I'ma go hit my bed up (I only have a three hour class to get through tomorrow) and I'm gonna have some Berry Cheerios (the cheap kind...I just discovered them ). Mmmm.....cereal....the non-fat comfort food!

[anonymousartist]

I think i'm like addicted to this site now.....but my skin is clearer.

[anonymousartist]

Damnit. Just as things are clearing up a bit, I go and pick. I was really staying away from my face all day until tonight. But it's my arms that bother me. And I picked my lip too. Oy. I'm tired and stressed.

I think I am gonna really start the 21 days thing. Picking just feels pointless now. Stopping even feels a little pointless (well, I don't think I care about my face that much anymore). So I might as well just do it. Someone mentioned the AA thing and I think I was missing the point before. If I can go one day, then I can go another. I can go a day without chocolate so surely I can go a day without picking 'cause I like chocolate much better!

[anonymousartist]

I have PMS. I have PMS acne right now. I cried like a baby yesterday. I have this big zit (the kind that made my chin swell up last time). I don't have anything good in medication to put on it. I've squeezed at it a little, but it's nowhere near poppable, and you knwo what? Haven't squeezed harder! Yes, that is progress. Really...if I pick this thing, it'll only start to look like crap, right? It's not bothering me much. I need to just start to ignore my blemishes, distract myself, and do something else. I haven't been bad about my arms either. Have a lot of little tempting keratosis spots. I think sometimes I think I can get away with just picking one. Guess not though, when i really think about it. 'Cause one is never enough and one left will never be enough. Time to give it up. Throw it away. Do something more fullfilling.

[anonymousartist]

I needed to get away from my arms. I have some homework to do. It's not too stressful, I guess. Well, it is stressful, but it's not as much as I'm making it out to be, yet I propel it to the point where I'll end up sleep deprived, regardless.

But anyway, un anticipation, I kept picking at spots on my arms. My face isn't great either today, as I've not slept much since yesterday. But my skin was getting so clear. It's time for a concentrated effort. I am hopefully going to go to a couple of concerts next week (my favorite band in the world is going to be in town). I want to go to two shows and I want to have clear skin for them!!!!! Maybe this is novel. Maybe I'll fuck it up at the last few minutes, but if I can stop when I'm just too busy why shouldn't I make myself stop when I really want to?

Damn I wish I could let myself go to bed right now....maybe I can budget homework into other classes....hmmm....halfassing. It's all half-assing. Maybe I should just take a break for dinner and then charge on for a bit. I'll get a decent number of hours of sleep, I guess. Maybe I'll rush in the morning so I can sleep later for a change. It could happen. It could work.

[anonymousartist]

I messed up my skin a bit today after it was almost clear...and now I'm having an anxiety attack over schoolwork.

[anonymousartist]

Ok, so I went out and bought some Desitin Creamy today (I was out) and I'm going to keep applying it to the areas that I've messed up. Maybe now that I've had to spend some money I don't have on healing I'll be less apt to pick next time.

I think this air conditioner is broken again It's incredibly annoying and is adding to all my stress from school. I wanna have a huge anxiety attack