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Post by anonymousartist on Jun 1, 2005 10:42:21 GMT -5
reminder to myself to be pick-free today (maybe it'll help to write it down).
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Post by anonymousartist on Jun 1, 2005 21:48:34 GMT -5
picking is no longer going to be my friend. Sorry, picking.
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Post by anonymousartist on Jun 5, 2005 10:13:19 GMT -5
time to get back to the err....goodness of zt. heh. Haven't been so good about it lately. Been bored and stressed, and nursing a tooth I had out.
But anyway, it's morning (AKA 11 AM) and I haven't picked yet (only treated a bad looking spot with desitin) so I'm going to start anew. Yay. 'Cause, you know, tank tops are good.
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Post by anonymousartist on Jun 6, 2005 17:20:30 GMT -5
la la la. not doing so bad. not doing so good. But if I remember to do good, I'll do better. Last time when I went a few days, it felt a little like magic, it felt a little like it just happened. Maybe I was just excited about a stupid boy (who, I'm not so excited about now that he seems like he wants out of the picture, or something. wasn't it eaiser when boys just did something gorss or threw something at you when they didn't like you?)
anyway. that's all I got. I recently redid my livejournal theme and nothing's spectacular about it yet it's the only thing amusing me right now. *sad*
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Post by anonymousartist on Jun 7, 2005 21:20:00 GMT -5
time to focus on healing again.
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Post by anonymousartist on Jun 10, 2005 14:00:06 GMT -5
not doing too bad lately. Not putting too much effort into ZT either. But then again working at it in the upswing might be just enough to keep me elevated when I hit another low point. So here we go again. No pressure. Just trying.
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Post by anonymousartist on Jun 11, 2005 17:53:47 GMT -5
i can't think of a spot on my body where I ever want to see a pick mark again, but the one place I absolutely cannot afford to pick at again at all, ever (and I mean this, yo) is my legs. The spots turn dark and purple (and I have very fair skin) and they don't seem to heal, for ages, possibly not even at all, some of them. So no more leg picking! None of it. Slip all I want but not on my legs.
can't wait til the day I forget I ever had this problem.
Damn I'm starving.
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Post by anonymousartist on Jun 12, 2005 13:12:03 GMT -5
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Post by anonymousartist on Jun 17, 2005 11:19:36 GMT -5
well things haven't been so great because who can resist a pms breakout? Not me! But the thing is I have to learn to resist, even if I want to pick at the time. All that matters is that I don't do it. Not whether or not I want to, but that I don't. It's the same with my weight loss. I can think, "mmmm.....chicken wings!" all damn day and no matter how much I think about it, imagine the flavor and texture, but as long as I don't fricken put it in my mouth I will be able to lose the weight!
So here's to creative imaginative techniques where I may need them (hell, pretend to scratch an itch and an itch can go away). Here's to not picking if I have to whine and cry and force myself not to (if I have to whine and cry then isn't there something else going on that I need to deal with anyway???)
this stops now.
And on a personal level because I'm totally obsessed and don't know what else to do with this energy, I've decided that trying to stay away from this guy I want and get over him is a pointless game. Fuckall if he isn't the one who talks to me first. Fuckall whatever people think guys think. He can handle me being forward (he has from the beginning). I think he can actually handle me, period, who I am. I don't need to play games to try and get myself to either make him prove something or get over it when things were going just fine playing by my own rules. The thing is I also can't really rely on him for shit. But he's what I need right now. He's what fills my head. And damnit no more thinking "i don't think I can get my way. I never get my way. This is too long of a shot to try." Fuck it. I'm going to get my way! And it is too long of a shot....but I'll just keep shooting 'til I hit it. Damnit. That's right. And if he does blow me off. I will fucking tell him off. I don't know why I can read all the signals and all my friends can read the signals and yet I'm still on this one, but I am. I want this guy. I want him even if all I get is to use him. But I really want way more. I want everything. And I don't really see the point to hiding it.
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Post by hoppe on Jun 18, 2005 0:12:01 GMT -5
Becca, I like your attitude. If you want him, go and get him. Let him fill your head. Get absorbed in feeling excited and happy and in love. Even if it might only be temporary, these are the things that make life worth living.
Good luck. Also with not picking.
hoppe
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Post by anonymousartist on Jun 18, 2005 10:33:41 GMT -5
thank you hoppe. I was starting to try and hold back with this guy. I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere. I've been told in the past so many times that I'm "too forward." And so last night I decided screw it, I don't care. I'll be who I am and if he doesn't like it tough. It turns out he doesn't care about all that. So I don't know if I'll truly get my way in the end, but I pretty much told him I'm going to, and he pretty much didn't turn me down. And yeah, I'm not ready to just get over it and hurt and stuff when there's still a possibility of me getting my way. Anyway your post makes me feel better about the whole thing.  I don't have any deep insights into not picking for today (its still morning so its a new day, despite my not so great efforts the past few days, so anyway). *sings* "not pick-ing la la la!" |
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Post by anonymousartist on Jun 19, 2005 12:17:08 GMT -5
not much to update. my skin looks like crap (or did yesterday, haven't much looked at it this morning). a reminder why picking sucks. also a reminder that at least it hasn't been this bad in a while. I've been doing better at not picking and so...
going to get control. yes I am. is all good.
and i am confused on the boy front. stupid boys. no one will have sex with me (that's not true. total strangers will, but I won't).
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Post by anonymousartist on Jun 20, 2005 17:03:05 GMT -5
not much picking going on. Not a ZT. But ok. It'll happen. I'm resisting better. Same old same old but I feel I should update so it'll help me be mindful of it.
I'm changing my hygeine routine a little. More dental care obviously. I am switching to Nutragena Pore Refining cleanser twice a day instead of rotating it with cetaphil. It seems to work better and keep my skin clearer better that way. Plus, I found some clear, no additives (besides a little alcohol) aloe gel and bought a BIG bottle since I can't find it any other time of year (I had bought a green one but it had other additives and smells like those friggin green lolipops you get at the bank). Plus, it is a very cheap product (two years ago I paid $1 for a small bottle and it lasted a long time).
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Post by hoppe on Jun 22, 2005 6:54:16 GMT -5
Becca,
It seems things are difficult with this guy ... . I am sorry. Guy stuff can be so hard. I am in a weird place myself right now. Am about to break up a long relationship. Kind of sad and kind of necessary at the same time. And I have developed a big crush on someone, who does not want me.... .
I think the best thing is to be yourself and say things by their name. Rushing is no good, but just waiting, wating, waiting and holding your breath if something ever will happen or not - it can be so exhausting. I was straightforward myself. I told the guy I want him. He turned me down. It is sad, yes. I was day dreaming a lot about him .... what if we have a future .... it made me feel good ... hopeful ... even happy in some way. And now that feeling is gone. But I am happy that things are clear now. I can start getting him out of my system.
hoppe
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Post by anonymousartist on Jun 22, 2005 11:21:43 GMT -5
Oh hoppe,
except for your break-up, I am in the exact same place. And yes I realized the other night that this is very exhausting. I told this guy a while ago about my feelings. He didn't outright reject me. That makes it harder, because the only real reason he will use is distance and my little brain just runs over and over ways to get around that. I know it would be mean to me, but I wish he would just say something's wrong with me, something I can internalize, some kind of burden I can take, something I can blame, something I can really be mad at him for, so I can get over it. I am thinking about letting him off the hook. The thing is I have history with him, and he's the only person I have that much history with, and I want a friendship at the very least and he does want that. Its very hard for me to see a future with anyone else right now because where I will even live in the next few months is unresolved. I think I am getting closer to being ready to let it go. But I kind of feel like I'll always have a little hope for something impossible and that scares me, because I had that so long for someone else who turned out to be a big disappointment in the end. This is a different guy though, and maybe I just shouldn't compare apples to oranges.
Thank you for your response.
Oh yes and on the zt front, well its morning so I guess I'm ZT right now! Maybe I'll try and make it last through the day. I really don't like my face broken out but my arms and erm...other body parts, are clearing up. I also went running yesterday and it felt really good though I almost pushed a little too hard at the end. Its not insanely hot so maybe I will get to go again today for a bit. I'm also working on cleaning the apartment 'cause I got some obnoxious notice that they want to check for termites (exhausted since they sent LATE NOTICE). fuckers. This apartment company pisses me off so much I'm almost glad they kicked me out. But anyway my life feels nicer when cleaner. I NEED THIS WHITE SPACE. And my kitchen is clean for the first time in I don't know how long! I need to do this all anyway and start packing since I have no choice but to move out at the end of July.
anyway,later.
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"no fingers! leave my chin alooooooooooooooooooooooone!" 
