Hecate's journal

[hoppe]

Hi Hecate

I almost cannot read your post with all the colours... but in principle I like it. Why not give a little more colour to our posts - and maybe life in general?

I noticed the other day how I always dress so conservatively - white, blue, black.. the wildest is a little red. But I actually think I would love to go for the wild ones, purple, orange, green something....

I am glad you are doing DG. Hope you are still doing good!

h o p p e

[Hecate]

Had a good day,no real picking,scratched one spot but stopped myself before it turned into picking.Must be getting bether 'cause never before did I menage to get through 9days of ZT & DG combined.Seems like I've really have surrendered & accepted my powerlessness over picking & slowly I'm getting my power back.It's so much easier,now, when I'm not fighting it.I knew what I had to do for a long time but this time the shift happened on the heart level & I'm finally moving foward. Hoppe,I'm glad you had a good day.Btw,I've just figured out how to use the colours & got a bit carried away.

[Hecate]

Another good day & my skin is healing.So gratefull that I had no desire to pick.It's been [glow=blue,2,300] 10 days [/glow] since I've done any real damage to my skin.

[hoppe]

Hi Hecate

10 days - that is wonderful to hear.
I hope your skin looks beautiful, you deserve it!

hoppe

[Hecate]

Had no urge to pick today.Since that day of surrender, feel like I have been releaved from desire to pick. I'll keep working the programe & handing over my life to my higher power,she knows what's best for me.11 days pick free . I'm gratefull to be a recovering skin picker today.

[Hecate]

Have come close to doing some damage,today.Scratched a couple of spots & picked lightly at one but even tho I was tempted didn't go any further.It was a tipical setup for a lapse,with me being tired & in front of the mirror.At first I was admireing my skin, then started looking for flaws & soon had to drag myself away,fighting that selfdestructive voice wanting me to pick.That was a remainder that the insanity of OSP might crop up any time.I'm gratefull my skin is still looking good & I've got the tools of recovery to fight this insanity.

[hoppe]

Hi Hecate

I am sorry you were so close to picking - but it is wonderful you managed to get away. I think in a way it is good not to feel to confident but get reminded once in a while how easily this compulsion can take over again. In that way you will be more aware.

Hope you are feeling fine now.

hoppe

[Hecate]

This morning I woke up obsessed with picking & had a really hard time keeping my hands away from my face.I picked at 2 spots few times today & hated myself for it.Every time I pick I get more & more upset about it,even if I don't do damage to my skin.Just can't stand doing this to myself any more.One pick is too much & thousand never enough is what I can relate to,now.A month ago I was OK with picking at few spots that "needed" it,but not now.I'm close to surrendering completely.Starting fresh from tomorrow,ZT or nothing.

[Hecate]

Wasn't feeling well, at all, yesterday & 2day but did not pick.I've realized that when I don't pick the destructive part of me finds other ways to hurt me.Lately I've been doing so well ,my skin is almost clear,first time in 4 years , but all my anger & selfdestruction is focused, now, on my relationship. Got to find a bether way to deal with it,real soon,or I'm going to lose what means the most to me.I'm lucky my partner understands me really well & is very supportive but there are limits.My head has been pounding for 2 days & I hope to wake up tomorrow feeling OK.

[hoppe]

Hi Hecate

I wanted to respond to what you wrote about directing your anger and selfdestruction against your relationship. I feel exactly the same way! I wish I would not. But I have been so angry at my boyfriend during the last weeks. The less I pick the more I get annoyed with him, try to destroy what is good between us. Strange, isn't it?

But it is probably good that you are at least aware of it.
Hope you will be feeling better soon.

hoppe

[Hecate]

Guess I can say I had a DG day,not great but OK.My headache is gone & my skin is not bad after some light picking at a couple of spots.

[Hecate]

Started the day picking,while still in bed.I got woken up by loud noize coming from my neighbours & that's what triggered my anger & then picking.The noize is still going on & I feel terrible 'cause I've damaged my skin.Wish I didn't get it out on myself Feel like I've allready messed up my day.I'll do my best not to pick for the rest of it,tho.

[Hecate]

My little insanity attack has passed & I'm back to "normal" feeling OK.I forget, when I'm in that state of mind, that I can't trust my perception.Got to remember to do nothing & let it pass 'cause every little flaw is magnified in my mind & I become obsessed wiith making it bether & end up making it worse.Same old story,but I still keep fogeting to use the tolls when I actually need them.My skin is not looking that bad at all & when I think it does I got to remember that it's just one of my regullar insanity attacks & wait for it to pass.Easier said then done but I've just got to let go & when I surrender entirely this obsession will be lifted & I'll be restored to sanity.

Just got to walk the walk now.

[Hecate]

Had quite a few days of doing damage to my self & I'm feeling stressed & depressed.I don't understand what has changed from a week ago when I had 10 days of ZT. ???I'm not picking as much & my face is looking bether but every time I mess up I feel worse then ever.I picked today at few spots,didn't do much damage to my skin but it messed up my day.I'm not even sure if I'll go to the party tomorrow,so might stay at home hiding my face.My partner & people around me say it doesn't look that bad but my perception is different & I can't help it.I don't trust them 'cause they don't understand what's going on with me & sometimes I'm angry with my partner for not taking this seriously & for helping me stay in denial all these years.I'm angry with myself for all the damage I've done to my skin & I'm sick of fighting it (OSP).

[hoppe]

Hi Hecate

I am sorry things are not going so well for you. I know all about this feeling - last week things were so good, why do I mess up again now... . But you have to remember that if you managed 10 days of ZT last week, then you can do it again!!

You mentioned that you feel angry with your partner for helping to keep you in denial for so many years. I sometimes feel the same way. I have been with my boyfriend 5 years, and I have been picking during all that time - he must have seen it, how come he never said anything, never understood what was going on...? But I think we have to realize that this is very hard to understand for people outside. You partner might seriously never have seen anything wrong with your skin. And even if, she might have thought it is just a pimple, nothing serious - she might not have realized that you were doing this to yourself, and that you actually could not stop it even if you wanted to.

I hope you will feel better soon and will be able to go to the party you mentioned. But do not force yourself against you will. Listen to your inner voice - what do you feel like, what do you want, need... . I think that is important to be able to get better.

hoppe