Hecate's journal

[Hecate]

Thanks Hoppe for your support.Only another skin picker can understand what I'm going through.Wishing you all the best in the New Year Just got back from the party & it went OK.Somebody said my skin was looking good & that was a surprize.I told this person about my skin picking & I guess my skin has improved since she last saw me.I wasn't too obsessed with my skin but I was feeling emotional & picked a bit today.I'm aiming for ZT tomorrow & hoping to get through the first day of the 2005 pick free.

[hoppe]

Hi Hecate

I am glad you went to the party after all - and you even got compliments about your skin. That is great.
I hope you allow yourself to feel happy about that!

All the best in the New Year to you too.

hoppe

[Hecate]

I had a really emotionally difficult few days & just couldn't write in here.I thougt I've lost my partner 'cause she decided that she's had enough of my mood swings & angry outbursts.After a couple of days of uncertainty I'm grateful that we're still together & determined to work things out.

My picking is not as bad,tho & last 2 days were DG.I haven't been obsessed with my face & I'm grateful for that.It's healing really well & it seems like keeping my hands away is finally paying off.

[elisha14]

Hectate-

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I am thinking of you at this difficult time. I am also very proud of you for not letting this start a picking session.

Hang in there.

Best,

E14

[Hecate]

Had an OK day,picked a bit(DG) but my skin is looking good,probably the best it's been in 5 years.Aiming for ZT tomorrow & will avoid mirrors no matter what.Today,after washing my face, I looked at it in the mirror & that triggered my distorted thinking & I was overwelmed with an urge 2 pick at any bits that didn't look "right". I was lucky 2 get away without major damage done.While I was in that space I kept telling myself that I could always pick later,basicly,practicing the programe & it worked.I'm hoping that next time I'll be able 2 walk away from the mirror without even touching my face.I'm certain that that's possible if I work the 12 step programe 2 the best of my ability. One little step at the time & I'll get there.

[Hecate]

Unfortunatly my ZT attempt failed.Not sure about the extent of damage I can't have a good look, thanks 2 the low light in my home.Just realized that I don't remember when was the last time I've picked at night & it used 2 be my favorite time for picking until I've changed the lightbulbs.Anyway I did end up in front of the mirror & after picking at one spot found it very hard to stop looking for more.Today,for the first time, I was aware of the urge to pick before I got to do mirror & that's another important step in raising my level of awareness about the process that leads 2 picking.

[Hecate as guest]

After 5 years of building a life together she's left me. >:(Can't believe that I didn't mess up my face today,it's a miracle considering what I'm going through.

[hoppe]

Oh, Hecate, I am so sorry. I hope you two might still be able to work it out somehow. I wish I could do something for you - but New Zealand is kind of on the other side of the earth compared to where I am .... . But if you need someone to listen, I will.

hoppe

[Hecate]

Thanks Hoppe,I really need all the support I can get right now.I can relate to picking even tho there was nothing 2 pick at.I've just done that & have no idea why.My face was looking good before & I'm hoping I didn't mess it up too much.In few hours I'll know how bad it is.I probably have that need to look on the outside the way I feel on the inside & at the moment I feel pretty bad.Sometimes I still end up picking even tho I feel fine so that's a bit confuzing.

[hoppe]

Hi Hecate

I am sorry about the picking. I understand this feeling of wanting to look on the outside like you feel on the inside. I think I often picked because of it - I wanted the world to know, that I am not fine, that I am in pain. However, unfortunately people around do usually not understand the message. I think this might change if society became aware of CSP. I mean certain behaviours such as cutting are immediately understood by others as a sign that this person has emotional pain. Picking might one day too.

About the picking when you feel fine otherwise - I have not really figured that one out yet. I think it must have something to do with that I can not allow myself to become to happy. Maybe because I do not feel I deserve it. Or because being happy for me is a very dangerous state of mind - it can so easily be destroyed by others - so I think it is better that I destroy it first, then I do not have to fear anymore than someone else will destroy it... . I don't know.

Anyway, Hecate, I hope you are doing okay. I feel very sorry for you. I really mean it, if you need someone to talk to, for instance chat, I am in.

hoppe

[Hecate]

Thank you so much Hoppe.I can totally relate to what you're saying.My best friend has been a cutter for a long time & she picks at her face, too,but even she doesn't see picking as a real problem.I can understand how you would relate to an addict from the book you're reading.I'm a recovering addict & I believe that my childhood played a big part in development of my obsessive compulsive personality that is a characteristic of both OSP & addiction.

I'm having an OK day.My face is not looking that bad considering the picks from yesterday & some scratches from today.Still not able to do ZT,but I'm trying hard not to beat myself up about it.My relationship is on very shaky ground but there is a chance that, with a lot of hard work & keeping my mouth shut & my temper under control, it might be saved .I feel like I've got a lot to deal with,right now, & I really need to be gentle & kind to myself to make it work.I'm going to do a lot of praying & let my higher power take control.

[Hecate]

Still picking. Was even scratching my back while in front of the computer.It's just too easy to pick,there is nothing that I have to do to prepare myself for it.This is deff. the hardest thing that I was ever faced with & I've allready been through "hell".Can't believe that after years of wanting to stop picking I still find it hard to do even 1 day of ZT.My partner keeps saying that when I'm desperate enough I will stop.I feel desperate & still locked in this obsession.I know what I need to do but I keep forgeting.I don't feel like I'm making a decision to pick,it just happens & then it's too late when I remember that it's not what I wanted to do.I'm totally powerless & all I can do is pray to my higher power for this obsession to be taken away & trust that that will happen, in the same way it worked on so many other things in my life.

[shihui]

hello hecate. i cant stop picking for one day either. i find it so hard to do and im impressed by those who can actually not pick for days.

maybe taping the ends of your fingers will help...ive not tried that before but i shall when i can even find tape in my house [all of them seemed to have disappeared!]

i was thinking if i would to tape my fingers, i cant feel for anything to pick. even if i know there's sth there, it'll still be quite hard to pick thr a thick layer of tape. yup...just thought i'd share this idea with you, and of course with whoever happens to read this.

i was previously feeling discouraged because i failed to stop picking even for one day. but well, im aiming for that again tmr. so you too have to continue aiming for ZT!

[Hecate]

Was feeling anxioys today.Picked a bit the first thing in the morning,while still half asleep,so didn't have a good start to the day.Will hide the mirrors 2night so the same thing does not happen 2morrow.Feeling motivated to do ZT,really want to see my face healed from pick marks & I know I can do this.

[hoppe]

Hi Hecate

Thank you for your post in my journal!

I hope things are going better for you. If not, do not despair - this too shall pass!

Let me send you a smile - . Hope you will have a nice day.

hoppe