Hecate
Junior Member
Posts: 84
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Post by Hecate on Jan 14, 2005 5:00:34 GMT -5
Had an OK day but didn't menage ZT.Picked at few spots,very lightly,probably no damage,exp. still not able to break the cycle.My skin's healing well as I pick a lot less & I'm really hoping to be able to stop soon.When I accept my total powerlessness over picking ,on the deep hearth level, the cycle will be broken.Guess just got to go through the process & be gentle with myself.
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Hecate
Junior Member
Posts: 84
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Post by Hecate on Jan 15, 2005 6:30:41 GMT -5
Another DG day.Skin is healing good but I seem to be stuck on few picks a day.Hoping that the next phase will be ZT but I find it really difficult to get there.Keep forgeting that "one pick is too many & thousand never enough".I know that I've improved a lot but I wish that this process would speed up.
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Post by shihui on Jan 15, 2005 11:11:44 GMT -5
yea..the process is tough. but still, continue working on it!  |
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Post by Hecate NLI on Jan 17, 2005 4:50:03 GMT -5
Don't feel like writing about my picking 'cause things are still the same.For the record I've picked today(still not sure of the damage)& I've had a DG day yesterday.Will try not to think about my skin or scars 'cause I feel like it's just feeding my obsession.
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Post by shihui on Jan 19, 2005 4:31:39 GMT -5
Will try not to think about my skin or scars 'cause I feel like it's just feeding my obsession. i find this line really helpful! ever since i read this entry, i reminded myself that i would be, as you put it, feeding my obsession if i would to even think about my skin or scars.  |
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Hecate
Junior Member
Posts: 84
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Post by Hecate on Jan 19, 2005 5:47:09 GMT -5
Shihui,I'm glad that my post has helped you.Hope you're having a good day. I feel like things are starting to get better for me.Had a good day,probably 'cause it was well structured & that helped lower my anxiety.Menaged to catch myself before the obsession to pick got out of hand & I got through it without acting it out. Feel like I'm breaking the last bits of denial about my OSP & that will ,eventually, set me free.I need to take seriously the first warning sign,that I'm aware of, to be able to brake the cycle.That means stopping as soon as I feel my hands on my face or my back 'cause the next step would be going to the mirror & I can't afford to do that.Untill today I was still fooling myself that I can cope with having a look in the mirror. 99% of the time that will lead me to picking but I was in denial about it.In NA they say that doing the same thing time & time again expecting different results is a simptom of insanity & denial keeps this insane behavior going.I accept that there are few things that i simply can't afford to do if i'm to stop my OSP & at this point, I'm willing to anything it takes to stop this obsession.Not touching my face & holding the mirror in a particullar way so I can't stare at my face is a small price to pay for freedom.
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Hecate
Junior Member
Posts: 84
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Post by Hecate on Jan 21, 2005 5:25:35 GMT -5
I was PMT the last few days & feeling really anxious & depressed.Glad that's over but I'm starting to lose hope that I'll ever be able to stop this OSP.Feel like I'm running out of options & nothing seems to be working.I am picking less but can not stop,not even for few days.Picked at my back for the last 2 days & that seems to happen when I'm trying hard not to pick at my face.My therapist mentioned that my face is looking better but I'm not able to notice any improvement,probably 'cause of the nature of my desease & focussing on the flaws.After almost 2 years of therapy I'm still picking & don't know why or how to stop,it's simply not going anywhere.Guess I'm really negative tonight so I wont go on.Hoping this will pass soon & I'll have a couple of pick free days.   |
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Hecate
Junior Member
Posts: 84
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Post by Hecate on Jan 22, 2005 4:39:07 GMT -5
Didn't pick at my face but scratched a couple of spots on my back.Hoping that this time I'll be able to leave my face alone for long enough to let it heal.Can't figure out why this time around it's so hard for me to do even one day of ZT.I've done 10 days of ZT, about a month ago, but since then I found it impossible do do even 1 day of full ZT.My skin is looking better but I feel stuck,picking only a little bit but every day,just enough to keep me in this viscious cycle.
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Hecate
Junior Member
Posts: 84
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Post by Hecate on Jan 24, 2005 6:12:03 GMT -5
Starting to think that there is nothing I can do to stop the picking.It might just stop in it's own time but i've got no expectations,just going to do the best I can.Today my face WAS looking good,almost clear & even tho I was aware of what I was doing, could not stop myself from messing it up.I'm really angry & feel that picking is totally out of my control.I give up trying to control it & hopefully it will stop controlling me.If it was that easy!  |
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Eyahnah
New Member
17 and just as messed up as everyone else.
Posts: 17
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Post by Eyahnah on Jan 24, 2005 13:37:32 GMT -5
I went so many years thinking that one day I just won't want to pick but that's not how it goes. The trick to it I think is to do things that keep that excitement up and motivation up. Also, finding something else to do with your fingers like typing on here! Perhaps sewing, drawing, or writing? Breakdowns are the worst and all we can do is learn from them. Like, how were you feeling before you picked? Sometimes, when I'm in front of a mirror, about to pick, it's enough to just stare at myself and ask "what the hell I think i'm doing." Never ever give up though. You said you had stopped picking before so that means you can stop again. I know there is a dorky quote out there about a winner being some one who falls, gets up, falls, and gets up again. No one said this was going to be easy but there is one truth. WE CAN DO IT! Alright, I'm done being preisty. All my strength and love to you!~
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Hecate
Junior Member
Posts: 84
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Post by Hecate on Jan 26, 2005 9:22:22 GMT -5
Eyahnah,thanks for the support.Hope you're doing well. My face is clear exept 2 spots that I haven't been able to leave alone in the last couple of days.I'm deff. not giving up & now that my PMT is over I'm feeling a lot better.Hoping for a pick free day. |
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Hecate
Junior Member
Posts: 84
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Post by Hecate on Jan 29, 2005 8:32:41 GMT -5
Been doing well,not exactly ZT but close enough.My face has cleared up & I've spent less time in front of the mirror.Guess I'm not fighting it any more,just faking it(pretending that I have no desire to pick) & soon,with the help of the goddess, the obsession will be gone for real.Keeping it simple ,a day(or a minute) at the time.
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Post by shihui on Jan 29, 2005 10:43:15 GMT -5
good to hear that you're doing well, hecate |
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Hecate
Junior Member
Posts: 84
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Post by Hecate on Feb 2, 2005 6:56:36 GMT -5
Can't bring myself to write,feel like I need a brake from the journal.Things haven't changed much,still picking in cycles.Trying to be gentle with myself & focus less on the picking.
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Post by Hecate NLI on Feb 13, 2005 5:50:51 GMT -5
Been doing really well lately,my face is clear exp. 4 a couple of red spots from the last time I've picked.I stopped keeping track of my picking & some days I even forget that I've got OSP.Guess I'm going through a really good patch & I hope that I'll be able to maintain this non OSP state of mind.In a way,harder I try to stop harder it is,so now I'm doing it the other way around.
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