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Post by hoppe on Jul 26, 2005 3:10:39 GMT -5
Thank you, ameise. You are a kind soul.
I have not been doing too well. Picking has been pretty bad. I finally managed to get a prescription for an antidepressant, but I am not sure I will benefit from it. I convinced a GP to give me an appointment even though I did not yet apply to change doctor. I have by now. Anyway, she gave me citalopram. I have been taken 10 mg for the past five days. The first two days all I noticed was that I felt slightly confused a couple of hours after I took it. But since then I have been feeling worse and worse. Most of the symptoms are like a giant hang-over. Terrible headache, heavy nausea, tiredness. I feel so dizzy all the time and have problems to concentrate on anything. Add blurred vision. I have problems reading. My pupils behave really strange, change size all the time. I am not sure if I should continue this stuff. Unfortunately, I won't be seeing the doctor again who gave me the pills. I have to wait until the end of next week where I have an appointment whith another doctor, which should become 'my' doctor if the application is approved (however, only until I change adress again ..... which could happen any day... . )
Does anyone here have experience with citalopram?
I have tried Zoloft and Paxil in the past and do not remember these kind of side effects. Weight gain was a big problem with Paxil, but that first becomes apparent after a while. I do not remember feeling so sick in the beginning. I would not be able to leave the house at the moment. Seriously, I feel so confused I would be afraid I would not find my way back. And I am only on 10 mg.
hoppe
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Post by hoppe on Jul 28, 2005 3:35:06 GMT -5
I kept on taking the citalopram. Since yesterday I am feeling somewhat better. Not as dizzy.
Picking is bad though. I do not even bother to try to keep myself from it these days.
hoppe
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Post by hoppe on Jul 28, 2005 8:20:55 GMT -5
I just realized: Yesterday it was 1 year ago that I registered on the site!
Let's celebrate my 1 year anniversary of trying to quit. (sarcasm intended)
hoppe
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Post by ameise as guest on Jul 28, 2005 13:35:32 GMT -5
Hi hoppe -
I 'm glad the dizziness is easing up some.
If you've been on the site a year, I have been here about the same ....
AND, I have to be honest, it has not been a good couple weeks for me... both last week and this week I had a blemish that became my "focus"...
when you wrote that you weren't even trying to stop yourself anymore... well, yesterday I didn't try either... I will write about it in my own journal later, but I just wanted to tell you I am right here, frustrated with you!
When I wasn't trying to stop myself, in my head I was thinking that instead of having this on-going fight against picking, that I need to start a new personal "Program" - Living with Picking.... I also sort of convinced myself that I was picking 'consciously' - trying to understand what I get out of it/ why it is satisfying alluring.... but, of course, today I feel differently.... and I feel that I just gave in to something that I Must Know By Now does not lead to good results!!!
I hate having to report set backs... it always makes it seem more inevitable that this is just something that I will always struggle with... Blah!
Sorry to rant in your journal,
well, here's wishing us both some freedom from the pick-demon....
ameise
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Post by hoppe on Jul 29, 2005 6:25:38 GMT -5
Ameise
I am sorry about your picking. You seem so close to letting this go completely! You have managed so much. But for some reason, the final letting go seems very difficult for you. Have you considered doing complete ZT again? Maybe the occasional pick here and there is what keeps this alive. I am thinking about you and wishing you inner peace!
I am doing quite well - maybe not pickingwise - but emotionally. The pills still affect me a little right after I take them and I get a little dizzy, but it is subsides quickly. Stomach is fine and head feels good.
hoppe
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Post by hoppe on Jul 31, 2005 3:20:04 GMT -5
Sunday, 10:15 am
Mind is doing okay most of the time. Had some bad moments yesterday though - cried. But most of the time I feel quite good - actually almost 'high' in some weird way. Like, in the evening, when I lie in bed and close my eyes, I have a weird feeling of flying. I know that feeling from being drunk. In some way, these pills scare me. I feel addicted.
Skin is very bad and picking is terrible. Do not care. I guess I feared that. That medication might affect me in such a way that I do not care what I do to myself.
Positive thing: My images have been reduced significantly.
Think this place kind of sucks recently. Miss people that used to come here. Feel pathetic for still writing here after a year.
hoppe
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Post by hoppe on Aug 1, 2005 1:35:36 GMT -5
Monday, 8:30 am
Have a terrible headache. Did not sleep well. Had a bad nightmare. I think everything I fear or worry about in some way was part of my dream. Somehow my brain succeeded in cooking it all together into one big nightmare .... .
hoppe
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Post by ameise as guest on Aug 2, 2005 15:48:51 GMT -5
hi hoppe-
I hope you are feeling better today.
I understand what you mean about the boards seeming lifeless and also about feeling pathetic for continuing to write & struggle after so long.
I've been reading on the self injurious picking board (I saw a post by you tere, too), though, and it makes me remember that there is value to discussing these things -- our struggles, our tools, our goals, etc.
I am thinking of taking up my progress-tracking over there, just so I feel less like I am posting into a vaccuum (since Accountability is part of what I want from my journal, the idea of having "listeners/ readers" is important).
Of course, the folks on the SISP board may change, or grow quiet... but for now it is important to me to be a part of a discussion...
best, ameise
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Post by hoppe on Aug 4, 2005 12:38:52 GMT -5
Ameise, I understand you so well. Move your journal if that is how you feel. At the moment there is indeed more life on the other board. A lot more. However, also that goes up and down. But they are a pretty close community I would say, very supportive and very interested in each others progress. I do not feel I really fit in there, so I have only written there a few times.
I will probably stop this journal. Or write very occasionally. I am very sick of it. A long with a lot of other things in my life I am very sick of.
I stopped taking the pills. My vision got worse and worse to the point where work became impossible because I could not read on the screen. I thing that is creepy and I am not going to lose my eye sight because of some fucking antidepressant whose purpose is to make me feel better and not the opposite. Anyhow, I have a doctors appointment next week and will try another antidepressant. I talked to her today and she said she has heard about the vision thing before and it should be reversible. Have not taken the pills two days and feel I am seeing almost normal again, so she is probably right.
Ameise - I do not know if you will come here again. I just want to wish all the best from the bottom of my heart. I read your recent picking incident and it made me feel sad. For you and for me. I truly hope you will soon be able to free yourself.
hoppe
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Post by ameise as guest on Aug 5, 2005 19:50:23 GMT -5
Hi hoppe -
I hope you're having a nice day.
I am not sure if I will move my journal or not -- we'll see. This week has been so busy I have not had time to write, anyway.
I understand how reading about my picking would make you sad for both of us.
So, I wanted to let you know that I am feeling & doing fine now. I hope that makes you feel more hopeful for both of us...
It truly is somewhat mysterious how & why my brain can go from the skin-obsessed state of mind to the non-picker mind. But, thankfully, I've been mostly in non-picker mind ever since last weekend when I put those pick days behind me.
I am curious: you wrote that you don't feel like you fit in on the SISP board -- I wonder why that is? On both boards I regularly find posts that make me feel surprised at the commonality of the picking experience. I also find posts on both boards that are very different from me & how I feel.
Well... I hope you are well. If you do post less frequently, I hope you will still post occasionally, because I would like to know how you are and that you're okay... best, ameise
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jules
New Member
Posts: 21
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Post by jules on Aug 13, 2005 1:27:27 GMT -5
Hi Hoppe,
How are you? I hope you are doing better with the new antidepressant if you ended up taking it... I definitely understand your feeling sick of the jounal, picking, everything that comes along with it, etc.
I don't know about others, but I miss reading your entries. It is weird how we end up caring about strangers we've never met... But I do care and miss the inspiration that you bring (the strength to fight the picking...).
Anyway, after my rambling I just want to say that I really hope you are ok and hope to hear from you in your journal.
Jules
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Spring Angel
Full Member
"Don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle happens" OSPA Member - Willing to Sponsor - It Works!
Posts: 228
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Post by Spring Angel on Sept 11, 2005 22:26:28 GMT -5
Hoppe,
I would like to say hi and would really love to hear from you. I think you have my contact info, but if not my e-mail is wynn_newton@hotmail.com. Or you can IM me.
Please take good care and stay in touch okay? I care about you Hoppe.
luv,
Spring
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Post by hoppe on Nov 14, 2005 10:17:43 GMT -5
Hi all
Thanks for all the kind notes. I was absent from here for a long while. I needed it. I also have no intention at the moment to continue this journal. I just don't feel like it. But I have to say I do miss some of you a lot. On this board we get so close for a short time and then we lose touch.... . It is strange. Anyhow, I hope you are all doing well. Ameise, Spring Angel, Becca, Jules, Reflection, Molly, Nelly, Sioned, K., and Shihui. Some of you I still have contact with and some I saw are posting on the other board (selfinjuriousskinpicking.com). I have read there for a while, but go there only very occasionally. In some way it affects me too much to read about others struggle with picking.... . I want some distance from it.
I can add that I am doing well. I have been on Prozac for about 2 months and that stuff is great. So many things I suddenly can do and want to do. I still pick a little, sometimes out of habit, sometimes out of anxiety, but the state of my skin means much less to me than before. It is no longer the thing that determines every second of my day. When I wake up in the morning I am actually excited what the day will bring. What a difference to before ... I can hardly describe it. I have to admit I am still not 100% comfortable with taking pills that affect my mind. But I benefit so much from it that I will continue taking the pills for now.
I often wonder how you are all doing. Please, if you come by here, let me know.
hoppe
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Post by ameise as guest on Jan 13, 2006 0:30:48 GMT -5
Hi Hoppe-
Wow - it feels kind of strange to log in here after so long... there was a time when coming to this place was so important to me.
I imagine you know what I mean, Hoppe...
I am so glad to hear that you are doing so well!
When I think of the boards, and of the experience of discovering that there were other sensitive souls out there suffering like I was, the person who I most think of is you... I guess because you were so committed to writing almost everyday for so long, I felt like you were a voice for me, too. I know that must have been tiring, too, but thanks! and I am glad that your commitment to find peace for yourself is paying off.
I am doing well, too. I think the last time I had a pick session was back in July. I have picked occasionally since then, but I have not become obsessive nor have I damaged my own skin... thank goodness.... just putting that into type here helps it dawn on me how glad I am for that. I am not sure what has made the difference --- a part of it was going on a month long vacation with my bf, during which time there were rarely times or places to pick & so I almost never did & I feel like it broke the cycle on a longer-time scale. I still have a little fear that one day it could come back... but I TRULY do not think that would be any time soon. And the optimistic part of me thinks that the longer I go without having this be an obsessive part of my life, the less likely it is to come back.
Wow - I didn't know I was going to write so much about myself/ how I am doing. I guess I forgot that when I had a listener(s) that would really understand I might want to pour my heart out...
Anyway --- BEST TO YOU, HOPPE. I would love to read any more occasional updates & to hear that you are well. Best to anyone else reading, too.
Ameise
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Post by hoppe on Jan 31, 2006 7:30:17 GMT -5
Thank you ameise. It was very nice to hear from you again. I am glad that you are doing well!!! I have been quite depressed lately. Living alone is not easy. Miss my ex-boyfriend. But it seems as if it definitely is over between us. Have had a few picking incidents. Most days are still pick-free, but it is quite obvious how I turn to the mirror when I feel in pain. I am not blaming myself for it at least. I still view CSP as a survival mechanism, and at the end of the day it is probably better that I stand in front of the mirror than that I jump out the window from the 12th floor. Btw, I tried to contact the proboards providers to see if they have any possiblity of getting hold of the missing administrator of this site. I find it very sad that this board is doomed to die, since she disappeared. But there is nothing they can do. It is good that Becca started a new board. Decided that I would like to write a journal again, but in another place. The focus should not constantly be on my CSP. If anyone wants to check in, look here: sadsmurfette.blogspot.com/The name I chose, Helena, is the name that I wish I would have. I am often thinking of all of you. Wishing you the best from all my heart. hoppe
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