hoppe's journal

[Spring Angel]

Hi Hoppe,

I just got your IM's and Im'd you back. I'm sorry and happy about your decision. Perhaps this is a key to growth, and you are taking a big step toward really caring toward yourself. At the very least you are certainly ambivalent about the relationship. Perhaps some time away will give you a chance to clear your thinking. I hope so. I care, and am sorry I have been disconnected. Been having rough times myself.

Job hunting, saw the ex-husband last weekend, very troubling and triggering, some depression as a result, struggling with my own picking relapse, but doing better, job interview on Friday.

All kinds of scary stressing insecurity related things, very hard stuff, that insecurity.

Other things are good though. My dog is a joy, he is swimming in the pool now, when other people go in swimming. It's so cute, he really likes it. My son got his driver's license and a job. Still doing good on the exercise program, weight loss and no smoking

So some good some awful in my life. I guess that's what we would call a balance. So I shouldn't complain. It used to all be awful.

Is your tooth pain gone now? I hope so, I haven't read back beyond this page in your journal, and haven't been online much lately.

Do take care and IM me back if you like, would love to hear back, and I will put you in my prayers if you don't mind.

luv,

Spring

[hoppe]

Spring - it was so good to hear from you again. I thought about you just yesterday, how you are doing. I am sorry that things have not been too great. But I am glad that you still see the good things in your life and that you are able to value them.

I can proudly report that I am on day 3 of not picking.

I feel confused about a lot of things and cried a little this morning about my relationship, but feel better otherwise. Stronger.

hoppe

[shihui]

keep it up, hoppe! yes, you'll get stronger as days pass. what doesn't kill makes you stronger, as long as you find the way to get out of the shit. life is a shithole, you just gotta find the flush. you're on your way to finding that flush.

[ameise as guest]

Way to go, hoppe! That's great.

This may seem odd, but you were actually in my dream last night ... or your online-self was... you wrote that you had found a way to resist picking & you were very optimistic about it, but you said, you knew it might not go easily from here on out, but you asked us (your journal readers) to beleive that you could do it, to beleive that you could stop picking .... you said that was what was needed for yourself & others to beleive it. And I thought "I do think she can." Thought that was a nice dream, and applicable to all of us.

Shihui, that's very funny about the flush....

ameise

[hoppe]

Shihui - thanks. I agree with ameise. That was really funny with the flush. And yes, life is indeed a shit hole. I hope you are doing okay these days, shihui.

Ameise, I like your dream. There is a lot of truth in it. I think the chances of succeeding with something are greatly increased if someone tells you they believe in you. Thank you for believing in me.

I have been a bit down during the afternoon. Affected by what happened in London. It makes me so angry. Why, why do people have to do something like this?

No picking today.

hoppe

[hoppe]

10:40 pm

Tempted!!!!
Wish me strength.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Friday, 11:30 am

Did not pick yesterday.
Today is day 4 of not picking.

Felt very anxious when I woke up. It actually already started during the night. I woke up at around 1am. Could not sleep. Felt complete overload in my brain. Worry. Anxiety. I think this 'overload' is my GAD - generalized anxiety disorder.

Feel more calm now. Working a little. Trying not to think to much about things - my relationship mainly. I still want to move out. But I am scared. I am really really scared.

Wearing this sleeve-less knee-long dress today. I am not a leg/arm picker and I have never been overweight, but for some reason I have never felt comfortable in clothes that reveal to much skin. However, since it is quite warm here these days, I looked into my closet a couple of days ago and found some old dresses - some of them I have never worn, they still had a price tag on .... . But they are quite cute. I think one of the reasons why I never have worn them is that I do not want to draw to much attention to myself. I prefer to be unnoticed. Which has a lot to do with my face picking. Always felt it is better to try to blend in with the wall as much as possible ...... . And I also feel a cute dress and a picked face do not really go together. .... .

Oh, well, rambling here. Should work!!

hoppe

[hoppe]

2:10 pm

I feel like picking. Damn it.
I feel upset. About my boyfriend. About London.
Cannot handle this feeling. Some part of my brain seems to belive that picking will make me feel better. It will not. I do not want to pick. I want to heal. I still have scabs from my last picking session. I am tired of scabs. I am tired of getting more and more scars. Brain, do you hear me? I WANT TO HEAL.

hoppe

[hoppe]

2:30 pm

Still upset. Feel like screaming. Destroying something.
But I will not pick. I will not pick.

I am on day 4. I will not fail today. I promised myself to redo my 7 days. I would love to break the record and go 8. I will not fail today.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hmm, brain was set up for failure yesterday.

Picked 3 spots very late last night - was tired and defenseless. Did not think the damage was too bad, but I was wrong. Three new big scabs on my face this morning.

Could get really down over this. But I will not! I just managed 4 days of ZT. It does not sound much, but there were times when 1 day was impossible.

I will start over again today.

Today is day 1. Maybe someone wants to join me this time? Goal right now: 8 days of ZT.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Sunday, 10:30 am

I am so sad today.

hoppe

[Ruby]

Hi Hoppe, I hope your sadness has faded a little by the time you read this......I have been pleased to read that you have had some days free from picking. It is the start of something.....Things will still be difficult of course but you are headed in the right direction. Take care. Ruby

[hoppe]

Oh, thank you Ruby. I feel I have been moving in the right direction for a while ... I just do not seem to really get where I want. I manage a few days of ZT and then I fail and have a bad picking session that takes a week(s) to heal.... . Oh well, I will keep going. What else can I do?

Last ZT attempt failed. Picked saturday and sunday. And a little today. Skin is breaking out and breaking out. I am so tired of it. So tired. I am a bacterial incubator.

I feel very sad today. Depressed.

hoppe

[ameise as guest]

Hi hoppe -

You really are doing much better -- I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling somewhat sad and that your skin is not cooperating, but I was glad to read after your initial slip-up that you were still focused on the accomplishment of 4 days and remembering the 7 or 8 days you did before.

Remember, recovery does not have to be perfect!

Best,

Ameise

[hoppe]

Thank you Ameise, .

10:10 pm, tuesday.

Still feeling down today. And I cannot handle the heat we are having here. Terrible headache. I had as much water as I can possibly drink, but it does not help. Feel sick.

Picked today. 3 spots ..... .

hoppe