hoppe's journal

[hoppe]

Hi!

I thought it might be time that I start my own journal. I am ready to try anything that might help me in some way. I am female, 25 and I have picked for 7 years. Mainly my face and my scalp, as well as my back. Other body parts get picked occasionally, but never to the same extent. My face is definitely my worst problem. I just cannot leave it alone..... .
So, I will see if regular posting here might make a difference. I have once before tried to keep a journal but that did not go to well. I basically just wrote down every time I picked, and that was kind of an eye-opener. I found out that I pick at my face approximately 6 times every day (each time of varying length). However, I was completely freaked out when I calculated that six times a day in seven years adds up to over 15 000 times. I have picked at my face over 15 000 times!!!! After I calculated that I gave up on the journal because I got to depressed by it.

Anyway, I think the reason for my picking is emotional. My childhood was not a very nice experience and I still have not learned how to handle the emotional pain that came with it. Unfortunately, the only way I seem to be able to deal with it is picking. When I was younger (before I started picking) I had bulimia. I used vomitting just as I use picking today - to handle inner pain, relieve anxiety and reduce anger. Sometimes I wonder if I should try to go back to vomitting, I mean at least that was not as visible to the world outside as my picking is.... . Well, I do not really mean it. It would be better if I could find something else that could help me deal with the pain, something that was not as self-destructive as picking or constant vomitting. I have not found that yet, but I might one day.

Another reason for my picking is probably a genetic predisposition. My mother is a serious picker. I have never really lived with her (she left me and my father when I was a few years old), but I remember that she picked a lot, whenever I visited her. Back then I did not really realize what she was doing. Now I know and I wish that I could talk to her about it, but I cannot. She has always been in complete denial about her issues (and she has others beside picking), at least towards me. Bringing it up would probably completely ruin the fragile relationship we have today. I think part of the problem is that she interprets everything negative I say to her as a silent accusation of her for leaving me - and maybe it is.

Well, that was the first entry into my new journal.
Talk to you soon.

hoppe

[anonymousartist]

I don't know if you mind people posting in your thread,

but I can relate to your use of picking to relieve pain/anxiety and such. I keep thinking if I find a way to get over my anxiety the picking may cease on its own, but there will always be some anxious things, and I find myself needing a way to deal with them. I tried the other day, with some childhood memory and I physically couldn't just sit there and think it without something, like comfort food or a pick, or whatever. I don't know what good it does to feel pain but trying not to feel it has only lead me to a mess of bad habits.

Certainly (and I know you weren't serious 'cause you said so) don't go back to throwing up. Having good nutrition will always be a help with getting over other issues like picking, I think (as I've recently changed my diet quite a bit because it was really poor for a long time). Maybe we could try writing or sketching to get rid of our anxiety and other bad feelings, or just go for a walk or something.

--Becca

[hoppe]

Hi again!

No, I do not mind at all if people post in my thread. It is good to know if somebody else can relate to what I am feeling/thinking/going through.

Well, last night and this morning could have been better. Minor picking at my face, but in very visible places- extremely annoying. This evening I am supposed to meet a friend downtown, however, she said she might have to cancel because of work. And a part of me cannot help it but is hoping she actually cancels. Not only because of the picking this morning. Usually it costs me so much energy and causes me so much anxiety to meet with a friend that I prefer not to do it. That is sad, I know. But to tell you the truth, it was not very much different before I started picking. The anxiety was probably less (I did not worry so much about what people think about my face), but deep down I have always preferred to be by myself. I can only find peace within myself when I am alone. As soon as there is another person my whole energy goes into overanalyzing the situation and the other person. I try to figure out what the other person wants/thinks/needs, try to be in such a way, try to completely put the real me aside to be as they want me to so that I will be accepted/liked. Which is stupid, because how do I know how they want me to be?? I think, the problem is that I do not accept/like myself and therefore do not expect anyone else to truly accept/like me. And that is definitely also a reason why I constantly engage in selfdestructive behaviour like picking - it is my way of rejecting myself because I do not like myself.... .

I have really tried to learn to like myself, but I have not had to much success with it so far. It sits deep down in me that I am unlikeable/unlovable. And it is not difficult to figure out why I feel that way. Both my parents abandoned me; my mother when I was around 4, my father when I was 16. My mother left because she could not handle having children and my father left because he fell in love with a woman who did not want to share him. And when she made him choose .... well, he chose her and moved to another country with her. I tried to go there to be with him, but he sent me home. So, the only two persons in this world who were supposed to love me for me, unconditionally and no matter what, my parents, they could not do it. They did not even like me enough to stick around til I was grown. When both of your parents leave independently of each other, it kind of makes you wonder what is wrong - with you.
Well, here I am, nine years later and still not feeling any better. I thought time would heal my wounds, but it has not. Probably because I help keeping the wounds open. By constantly rejecting myself, I continue right where my parents left off..... .

Enough of that. I have to figure out what to do to prevent myself from picking so much today that I will have to cancel meeting my friend tonight. Unfortunately, I often pick much more than usual when I am supposed to meet someone. It is probably to relieve some of the enormous anxiety that builds up. And sometimes, if I cannot really decide if I want to go somewhere, I pick so much, that there is no way I can leave the house. In that way, I did not really make the decision of not going myself, my compulsion made it for me. It is because I cannot accept that I sometimes want to cancel an appointment for other reasons than my skin, lets say because I have a headache, or because I do not like the person I am supposed to meet, or because I just do not feel like going. I cannot accept these feelings, and certainly not let them be reason enough to stay home. Instead I pick my skin to pieces, because then I have to stay home.
I do not want to do that today (although I think I already started this morning). I like the person I am supposed to meet. She is a really sweet, funny, intelligent girl. I have to remind myself of that. I do want to meet with her and I do not want to pick. I do not want to pick. I do not want to pick. My mantra for today: I do not want to pick. Maybe I should say it a 1000 times and see if it makes a difference. Or, if I pick, I could punish myself like they did in school in the old days and write it (by hand) a thousand times: I do not want to pick. I do not want to pick. I do not want to pick.... .
Well, I will let you know how the day went.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Well, things did not go to great yesterday. I was restless and anxious the whole day trying to keep myself from picking. At some point I started wondering why my friend did not call. When I picked up the phone, I found out that it was broken. I was really devastated. I had no other ways of contacting her, and now she would think that I had forgotten her (which I definitely had not). I tried to figure out a solution but could not come up with one. I mean, I am not the kind of person that would knock on my neighbour's door to borrow their telephone - besides I just moved in, and I have not even met them yet. Well, after a while I realized that it was to late anyway. Shortly after that I ended up in front of the mirror. You have no idea how much damage you can do in just a fewminutes. My face looked so swollen as if I had a bad allergic reaction to something ( probably to myself... ). I thought about what I had written here in the morning, and I actually wrote "I do not want to pick anymore" 50 times by hand. It was interesting to do that. While I did it, it felt good. Like I was hammering it into my head. Then I went to bed.

This morning I look better than expected, but I am not sure if I will be able to go outside in case I get hold of my friend.... . I will see how I feel about it a little later.

hoppe

[budgirl2004]

I like the idea of an online journal. I can relate to your anxiety trigger. I definitly pick more when I am under stress. But for what ever reason, I usually wait until the evening. And then I stay up for hours, just zoning out. I ,ight copywrite your idea of a journal, just to keep myself honest, and whoever can relate I would love to reply. How are you right now?

[hoppe]

Hi budgirl2004

I am okay right now, thanks for asking. I do not look to good though because of last night... but I will get over it.
I was wondering, maybe you would like to chat sometime? There is a chatroom on the site, where you can enter with your login name and password.

hoppe

[budgirl2004]

I often feel the same comfort in being alone. I disguise it with saying that I like to be alone, but I have been in therapy long enough to know that I want to be alone so that I can indulge in my picking ritual. It 's a hard thing to share with new people. I also came from a broken home, parents divorced at 6. That definitly caused undue childhood stress. Mom was in alcohol rehab etc. Just a multitude of things that are hard on children and no doudt plant seeds of anxiety that surface later in life after we learn to cope with these self destructive behaviors. It takes a while to love yourself again. But that is so personal. You and only you can decide to love yourself. That is where the healing started for me. It didn't go away, but it helps.

[budgirl2004]

Definitly, I would love to chat. I am about to go to bed here in a minute, but I will register to get in the chatroom. I am still new to chatting so it might take me a couple of days to fiqure it out. Look forward to chatting-L

[hoppe]

Hi again

It is really easy. Go back to site "Face and skin picking support" there is a link called chat. You can enter the chatroom with your login and password from this site.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Well, another day gone by. I manage not to pick very much during the day yesterday. In the evening I realized that I had not been outside for 4 days, so I forced myself to go for a walk. When I came back I felt happy that I had gone. However, that did not prevent me from ending up in front of the mirror a few hours later. It was the usual. I look and notice this tiny thing beside my mouth. Why have I not seen that one before? I look closer and the thing just seems to grow while I am looking. In this case it was something that looked like a small hole in my skin. It takes seconds and I starte freaking - I cannot walk around with a hole like that beside my mouth. I just cannot get away from the mirror. And then I start picking at it. Try to justify it while I am doing it. After the "hole" turned out te be a clogged pore and I released its contents, I felt better for seconds. But then my eyes fixed on the next little thing. Why did I not see that one before? Was it here last time I looked? I cannot have that one there. And so on..... . Well, hate myself this morning. Look in the mirror and HATE myself. And today... I am going to meet the friend I was supposed to meet friday. And I am feeling so much anxiety, there are no words for it. It is killing me!!!!!!!!!
Well, actually, I have to go now.
Talk to you later.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi all

Well, I had a very nice day yesterday with my friend. She is such a wonderful person. When I came home in the evening I did not feel like picking at all - and I did not do it. That was great!!!!!!!!

However, right now I am not feeling very great. I read some posts by a new member, which were heartbreaking but at the same time also disturbed me because of their advertisement contents. I could not help but write that to her, and now she might feel very offended. I really hope, she understands what I mean, because I did not want to hurt her.

Well, I have to pack because I will be going away for three days. I feel a bit anxiety, since I will not be alone at any time during the next days and that is very very hard for me. However, the day yesterday helps me to believe that I can make it.

hoppe

[anonymousartist]

Hey chickkie,

I read what you wrote about the advertisements. I didn't think it was an offensive sort of thing and I could see why you said something (you put it just right). I didn't think it exactly was an advertisement but there is always the chance that someone could come here and try to take advantage (I've thought so about a post or two in the past). Just wanted to let you know I don't think you have to be nervous about your post. (Then again the boards I am used to posting on are the type where people go out of their way to offend each other! There's none of that here).

Glad you had fun with your friend. I am thinking I need to get out today.

--Becca.

[hoppe]

Hi anonymousartist

Thanks for the understanding words. You made me feel so much better!! Thank you.

How are you doing? I hope everything worked out all right with your car/final/financial aid!!!!



hoppe

[anonymousartist]

Hi. I am doing better. I think my car troubles were a bit overblown (I don't think the oil leak needs fixing immediately). My final went just fine (though my hand cramped from writing six pages of BS!) My financial aid is still screwed up. It's going to be delayed for a couple weeks extra (admittedly I could have done it months ago, but still, 3 weeks for one error when any other error could have been fixed in three days) but I am sort of over it. I think I'll be telling my professors to shove it if they ask me to buy textbooks, though, 'cause money's gonna be tight for a while.

Thanks for being supportive
--Becca

[hoppe]

Dear all

I have not written in a while. First, I was away for a couple of days, which actually went better than expected. Only minimal anxiety about my face. Upon my return, I looked in the mirror and I was so happy about what I saw. No outbreaks, no wounds. The fantastic feeling lasted two days. Friday morning, I looked a bit to long in the mirror. Suddenly I felt the urge again - my fingertips started scanning my skin for imperfections, and when I found a few ..... I gave in. I could not stop. I cried afterwards, but it was to late. To late to do anything.
That was three days ago. I have picked every day since. A lot. I hate myself so much for it.
I am trying to find explanations. Why did I have to ruin something that was so beautiful? I have never felt so happy about my face as I did during those two days. Why did I have to ruin that? Why??
I can offer some easy explanations. That friday morning, I received some particular nasty emails from my brother. He was very angry with me, because I have not seen him for nearly two years. We live in separate countries, so we do not see each other often. I have sometimes thought about visiting him, but so far the anxiety about my face has prevented me from going (in the past, he has made some comments about the way I look, particulary my face, and I just cannot forget that). Anyway, he had heard about my trip, which had brought me to a town "only" 300 kilometers from where he is staying at the moment. He was angry, because I did not go and see him. Very, very angry. I tried to explain to him - that I did not even know where he was until the day before my trip, and that I did not have time during my trip to meet with him (which was the truth). But he did not want to listen. He wrote so many nasty things.... it hurt so much. I tried to tell myself that he did not mean it. That he felt hurt and that this is the only way he knows to express it. But the pain inside did not get better.

I have more reasons. I have applied for a position and I have not heard a word in weeks. It is killing me. They told me, I would hear something before the 15th of august. Friday I happend to realize that it was the 13th and I still had not heard a word. I do not know what to do, if I do not get the position. It would devastate me. And I do not know what to do, if I get it. I have not worked in a while. I do not know if I would be able to do it again. Show my face to the world every day.
Today is the 16th. I still have not heard a word. I do not know how to get through the day. I started it with some picking. I am afraid I will continue that way the whole day. I hate myself so much.

hoppe