hoppe's journal

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

It is 18:20 pm, where I live. So far no picking! (although I have been tempted).

However, I feel really depressed right now. I hope I will not take it out on my face..... Earlier today I went to the interview I had - it was for a PhD position at the university (I study molecular biology). I wanted it so badly. I have been looking into basically every research group in this city, and this was the only one I really really wanted to be in. Well, they turned me down. They already filled their positions, and they do not have money for another one (they could have told me right away, instead of making me go there....) That was very hard for me to take. Now, I really have no idea what to do... .

Well, otherwise I have been glad about my decision to try this 21-day thing again.
Please stay at my side, ameise!

hoppe

[Lin]

Hang in there!
I know exactly how you feel.
~~Lin

[ameise ameise]

hi hoppe & lin-

Wow, hoppe, you're in Sweden... so unexpected to me.

So, it is noon here, must be almost bedtime there -- maybe you'll get this in time to encourage you to get through the pm face washing without lingering... you probably can do that on your own, too.

Let's see... even though it's boring & like a strange sebum/ pore accountant, I have to say, on my day 10 today I sqeezed 2 black heads and 2 white heads... but, as I have been doing, I am noting it on my calendar and continuing on with my 21 days because it was brief, didn't cause damage, in the realm of normal-people-picking. I did this squeezing just moments ago -- in the bathroom at work (individual bathroom) -- this seems to be the hardest mirror for me not to lean in toward since I started my 21 days... I think because of the strong flourescent lighting. Maybe also because it is somewhat safe... since I am at work, I more or less know I can't get sucked in, can't spend lots of time there... only a few minutes.

Hopefully as the days go on, I'll feel less of a draw toward that mirror as well... (I've rarely picked away from home before) ... for now, I guess it's okay, I guess the few pores I've squeezed in there could be analagous to some nicorette gum to quit smoking or something....

BUt it's hard to know what is okay as a little "normal-people" level of picking & what is too much focus on the sking that will just sustain this obsession....

oh well, I do have 2 small pimples that I am not touching at all, and have little desire too -- I think because they are the kind of eruption that I know would only get worse if squeezed....

gosh, just writing this I'm starting to get a sense of how odd this CSP-focus is... it's boring to write about, probably boring to read -- why do I/ we find it so absorbing?

Well, anyway, hoppe, I hope you made it through Day 1.

I am very sorry to hear you couldn't get funded for your molecular biology PhD project.... When I was apply for master's programs, some of the departments offered to elt me satrt without funding (1 semester of loans) but suggested if I did well during that semester ("proved myself") I would probalby be able to get teaching or research assistancship funding for the rest of the time... I have no idea how gradschool programs work in Sweden, but is that a possibility? If it is the only program you really are interested in...

okay, so, you're probably sleeping soon, so goodnight

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

I got your post in time before bed. I managed to do the evening washing without picking. But it was hard.... . I am having something on my cheek, and my fingers just want to go there. NO.

I am sorry to hear about your minor slip-up (can I call it that?). I honestly do not know, when you cross the line between ´normal´ picking and CSP. I sometimes think, if this is an addicition like alcoholism then I will probably only be able to stop if I completely quit picking - usually ex-alcoholics do not seem able to just take a beer once in a while, do they? On the other hand, if I have a zit the size of walnut on my forehead, and it is al ready to go, I will probably help it on the way without feeling bad about it.

Thinking about it I realize that it might not be the picking itself but more how you feel about it that defines if it is CSP or normal grooming. If you squeeze a little whitehead without wanting to pick more, without kicking yourself afterwards for doing it, without obcessing about the red mark you created - then it is probably fine, or?

I was wondering how you can pick at work? Are there no other people? I have picked at work, but usually I did it after everybody else had left (or in an invisible place). Anyway, maybe you can change the lightning in the bathroom... ? Destroy it ´by accident´? I would love to come and do it for you ..... *LOL*

By the way, I do not think what you are writing is boring at all. For somebody without CSP it might be strange to read about how other people squeeze a blackhead. However, that is why we are here. We have an obcession/compulsion regarding our skin. Writing about it seems to help. So keep on writing!! I need your posts.

I actually feel a bit happy right now. I did a whole day without ANY picking at all (hope I will not destroy that).

You are in my thoughts.

hoppe

[ameiseameise]

yes, you keep writing, too -- it's helping me as well...

so, congratulations on your day -- was it day 1 or 2? it's a little confusing the way the time difference makes it one day for me and another for you.

yes, you can call my slip-up a slip-up.... except that I am not sure I can really expect Zero Tolerance. I guess I agree with you that CSP is a lot about how you feel about it... and I think it's possible that I will always squeeze little white heads/ blackheads that are *ready to go* --- however, I am sure the closer to a complete hiatus the better & the less likely I will be to re-enter the long/trance/damaging pick sessions...

and it's funny how much that little colored in square calendar means to me, but I feel a lot better about it when I don't have to write "sqeezed two blackhead pores" in one quarter of my little box (but then that kind of feels like a purity craving/ perfectionist standard, too)

I can pick at work because we have a bathroom that is one-person bathroom, with a locking door -- not stalls. however, since it's a shared bathroom, I don't think I'd ever let myself stay in there for an unnaturally long time (my visits to that mirror have been just a couple minutes).

Thanks for your wishes to remove that light for me...

I guess you'll be reading this tomorrow (Sept 3) morning -- good morning.

I'm feeling pretty strong about the rest of the day...

(oh, hoppe, you didn't reply as to whether english is your first language... I'm curious because if it's not, you sound/ write like a native speaker.)

Thanks for being out there/ on here for me, too

ameise

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

Good morning!! (08:20 am here)

Well, I would have been on day 2 today, but this thing on my cheek - when I woke up and met it in the mirror, I could not stand the temptation. So... today will again be my day 1. But actually, I am not to depressed about that (at least not right now). I am very happy that I did manage to go 24 hours without any picking what so ever.... . So, I can do that again, I think.

ameise, English is my third language. I am born in Germany, so German is my mother tongue. However, I have spoken Danish for most parts of my life (I think in Danish now) so I would also consider Danish my first language. In regard to my English, I read a lot of English books (especially, textbooks during my studies) so I think that has helped my English. Also, most television programs here are in English - with subtitles - so that helps me to catch up on slang and other expressions.

I never found a Danish or German board similar to this, so that is why I came here to write. I was on a Swedish board for BDD for a while, but I did not really feel that I belonged there. However, on this board I have met so many people that I can relate to that I sometimes feel shoked by it. Most of my life I thought that I am not normal/really strange (especially since my family liked to point that out for me), and I was happy to discover this site with other people that seem to be so similar to me, not only in regard to the picking but also in regard to other views on life, struggles with perfectionism etc. ... .

Well, let the next day 1 come. Today I have to sit down and figure out how to go on with my life (sounds dramatic, doesn't it)... what I mean is, I need to come up with something else, now that my initial PhD plans did not work out. I think, not doing anything and beeing stuck here at the house all day definitely increases my picking. Yesterday, although I had a lot of anxiety, it was a good day for zero-picking, since I had to get up and go to into town for that meeting. It took half my day, so that was time where I was not tempted to much. I also know that it makes a big difference for me whether I dress properly/do my hair/ make-up. On days where I am not going anywhere, I do not do any of that so I hate what I see in the mirror and that tends to worsen my picking. However, usually, if I do my hair and make-up, I feel I look much better, and every annoying blemish fades a little more into the background.

Sorry, for the long post... . I hope you are doing well. Maybe you would tell me a little more about yourself. Things you like/hate?...Your life.... ?.
If you feel that that would mean exposing yourself to much or takes away an anonymity that you prefer to have, then don't do it. I was concerned a bit in the beginning - what if someone I know comes here and recognizes me from my story... but I think now I can live with it. I have CSP. I consider it a disorder, nothing that I indulge in for fun. So I am not ashamed of it anymore. I will not walk around and tell people about it, but if someone here knows who I am in real life - well, that is okay.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi again

3:15 pm at my place. Have not picked at anything since that little incident this morning.

I said earlier I wanted to sit down and think about the future today - but I have not really done it yet. Instead I have been on this board for hours, just reading posts. I think it is so great this place exists. And I also noticed something interesting - when I am here, I can forget everything else around me...... it sounds crazy, but it almost has the same effect on me as picking usually has - except that there is no regret afterwards.

Today I started dreaming how my life could be if I did not pick. What if I could go outside everytime I wanted to? What if I never had to cancel an appointment/meeting? What if I never would have to be afraid to answer the door without make-up on? What if I never felt ashamed to show my face to my boyfriend or my family? What if I liked what I see in the mirror ?..... How sweet dreams can be.

On the other hand, I think this disorder has made me get in touch with myself, made me think so much about who I am and what I want out of life and also made me be much more aware of others and their struggles...... in a way you could say there are some positive side-effects to it. I had a friend who was severly anorexic for some years and when she managed to recover completely from it, she said - if I could choose, I would go through it again, because I learned so much about myself and life.
I thought she was crazy back then but I can also see what she means. If I could choose I would not choose to have CSP again. No positive side-effect can compensate for what I have been going through during the last 7 years. However, I cannot choose, and beeing where I am I might as well aknowledge that I am a different person than I would have been wihout picking. I listen to my body in a completely different way than I would have done otherwise and I have also discovered a lot of things about myself, like how happy simple things can make me. When I was younger I was sooo ambitious, I worked so hard on everything, never allowing myself a free moment - everything had to be so damned perfect - and I also wanted to become someone, at best I should get the Nobel Prize before age 35, and I should earn a decent amount of money and buy a big house in the countryside. I was wrong. That is not really what I want from this life. I want to come to peace with myself and I want to be with someone who makes me feel loved and one day I want to have children, because I think, if there is a meaning with life, it is getting children. That is all. I do not need money or fame or a prestigious job.

Well, hope things are going well for you out there.
ameise, you might just have crawled out of bed now. Funny, when I think of you I see a little ant, cute and frisky. Sometimes when I have been in the woods, I would sit down and watch ants, how they carry stuff around that is twice their size, it amazes me. I hope you have their strength and manage to carry your load.

hoppe

[ameise ameise]

hi hoppe-

I can't take much time to write at the moment (I am at work) -- I have been writing at lunch time most of this week, but I had lunch today with a friend, so I couldn't use that time. And I foresee myself being busy between now and going to bed (finishing the work day, cleaning my house a little before my boyfriend S comes over, then dinner & a movie) - it is good for picking (the busyness), and things I am looking forward to, but not much time to write.

So, no picking at all today for me. I'm glad to hear that going through 24 hours for you helped you to see how it is possible... and I'm glad that aside from one irresistable pimple you were able to resist.

I appreciate your thoughts on life & how this can strenghten us, help us see what is truly important.

I would love to come to point with CSP that your friend reached -- where she was grateful to have gone through her struggles. I'm not there yet...

I am sorry this is all I have time to write right now -- I will write more about myself next time.

Meanwhile, you stay strong, too,

Gute nacht,

Ameise

[seabreeze]

Hello Hoppe and Ameise,

You guys sound like you are doing so much better than just a week ago! I am so happy for you. I am personally going through a very stressful time now, but I have passed 21 days and hope that I can keep going through all this now.

Hoppe, I have been following your journal and it means a lot to me because I can relate to much of it. I admire your strength and courage, and after all you have been through in your life, you must admit that you are an unbelievably strong character- a force to be reckoned with! In other words...nothing can stop you!

I was equally surprised to find out you are in Sweden. I have been in Sweden for the whole summer, and am returning to Canada in 2 days.

Det är första gongen jag är här. Jag tycker om Sverige! Jag älskar midsummer och kräftskiva! Skoal! Jag också älskar aqvavit, lingon, hjortron, kantareller, och fläder saft/cider! Jag talar lite svenska men jag önskar det är bra, förstår du? Hahaha lol!

Hejdå,<br>
:)Seabreeze

[hoppe]

Seabreeze...!!!!!!!!!!!
So great to find out you are in Sweden. If it is the first time you are here, how did you learn so much Swedish so quickly?? So you have been here on midsummer too? It is such a weird tradition - I mean even the newsspeaker on television had flower crowns in their hair (to all of you who do not know it- midsummer is a weekend at the end of june, where people walk around with flowers in their hair and usually they also dance around something looking like a flagpole with two rings on it covered in leaves. It is the holiest of holy - the Swedes take it more seriously than christmas - although (or maybe because?) it originates from a pagan tradition).
Sorry to hear, you are leaving Sweden again, Seebreeze !! It feels kind of comforting to know that somebody from this board is close by.... .
Kommer du tilbaka nästa år?

ameise, so I was right, you are a busy little ant... ;D. Hope you had a good time with your boyfriend! (BTW, did you tell him about the picking?)

Looking forward to hear from you again.

Oh, before I forget - NO picking since my last post!!! It makes me so happy, I cannot even feel depressed about my job/study situation.....

hoppe

[hoppe]

By the way, Seabreeze, I did not thank you for you very kind words!! They mean a lot to me!!

So you have passed day 21!! WOW. Did it get easier then? I mean, the whole purpose of 21 days is that it takes 21 days to break a habit, right? So I am kind of hoping that the temptation will get better (disappear?) after 21 days... .
I hope you will manage with the stress you are going through right now!! Think of what you have achieved - more than 21 days without picking - if you can do this you can do anything!!!!!

hoppe

(so you like kräftskiva? that tradition is even more weird than midsummer.... . ;D)

[seabreeze]

Hej Hoppe,

My husband is Swedish. I met his family for the first time this summer! So I am a bit stressed about leaving now since it may be for awhile. But hopefully we'll be back soon, next year hopefully. Maybe Christmas time- then I can experience all the traditions of the season. Santa Lucia and Glögg to name a few! Maybe another princesstårta! BTW, we had a smörgåstårta two days ago! It was awesome! It will be hard to explain to people back home, I think they just need to be here themselves to know how cool it is! We also went to Copenhagen this summer. I really liked it there. I loved having a cappucino on stroget and seeing the "walk through McDonalds" (I have never seen a walk-through, only drive throughs so that was nice) I couldn't believe how many bikes there were! Incredible!

I am so happy to hear that you have been managing things so well lately. I hope we can keep this up and continue to smile! ;D I am anxious about leaving here, leaving my new family here and going back to school, finding a job, seeing everyone back home again, and moving into the new apartment there(all in the same week)! Yikes! I hope I can get through all that without picking. Hopefully I will find the strength!

Seabreeze

[hoppe]

Hi Seabreeze!

So your husband is Swedish!! Nice!! I think Sweden is a great country - very beautiful. I moved here because of my boyfriend, but he is not Swedish, he is Danish. I like Copenhagen too (lived in Denmark for 5 years), but it is not as beautiful as for instance Stockholm is.
(BTW - you want to know the reason why there are so many bikes in Denmark? Most people cannot afford a car. It costs three times as much as in any other country. When I moved to Denmark, I thought all the Danes were so healthy because they were biking so much and also because they always walk around with a bottle of water, especially the students. Well, I found out, they cannot afford the cars, and the bottle of water is because they have a hangover... ;D)

You really seem to like all these funny Swedish traditions. Like princesstårta? There is something about, I think it is the green colour, I just cannot get it down. It looks so artificial...!!

It sounds as if you are having a lot of stress coming up there... ! I hope you can stand it. Maybe it will help to post a few lines every day?

hoppe

[seabreeze]

Hi Hoppe!

I guess that would explain the bike thing! lol! I am trying to keep the stress under control but it is a bit difficult. I'm glad I can come here to take my mind off it all. We are packing for the trip home and are stopping in Amsterdam for 2 days! That will be an awesome experience for sure. We also went to Norway and Finland this summer! It has been truly amazing.

It has been so nice to talk to you. I will definately post when I get back and when I can get access to a computer. I am looking forward to read your and Ameise's posts! Please continue with the 21 days... Lycka till!

;D Seabreeze

[hoppe]

Thank you, Seabreeze. I also enjoyed talking to you !
Have a nice trip to Amsterdam and then home! I hope the traveling does not make you as anxious, as it would make me.... .

Talk to you later.

hoppe