hoppe's journal

[hoppe]

Well, it is tuesday morning. The look in the mirror was heartbreaking. What have I done?
I picked last night. I woke up in the middle off the night, got up to drink some water - and found myself in front of the mirror. It has been some time since I have been picking at night. It is so much worse than picking during the day. At night - things feel not real. It is dark outside and your picking-demon tells you, do not worry, just pick, it will be dark forever. No one sees you. No one will see you.

It is not true, morning always comes. But right there you do not care. You pick and pick and pick.

When you wake up in the morning, you think for a second that maybe, maybe, it was just a dream. That your skin does not look worse than it did when you went to bed. But deep down you know it. And then the mirror shows you what you have done, illuminated by bright daylight, and you want to do nothing else but scream. Why?? Why??

Right now I just want to go back to the mirror. I want to continue. I feel so much pain inside. Picking related and non-picking related pain. I do not know how to deal with it.
I forced myself to write first, hoping that it somehow might help. Keep me from picking. But I cannot write all day.

hoppe

[hoppe]

It is wedensday evening. I still have not heard a word about the position, so I guess I should just give it up. I feel really depressed about that. I want to have something to do, something that takes my mind of picking. But undeniable, there is a part of me that is relieved - now I get some more time at home and do not need to go anywhere every day.
I picked a lot yesterday. Today was much better. I picked at one single spot (in my face) and a little at my back. However, three big outbreaks are laughing at me, every time I pass the mirror. I guess I will probably not be able to leave them alone.

Sometimes I think, why bother? I pick, that's it, that's me, and I have to live with that for the rest of my days (strange pictures just popped up in my head- beeing 80 and still picking at my face.... ). No, that cannot be the solution. I have to fight this. I have to. I just do not know how.
When I had bulimia, I remember, what a fight I had with food. I thought I would never be able to eat normally or stop beeing obcessive about food. But today I hardly think of food except if I am hungry, and then I eat something, and it is really no big deal anymore. I do not even care very much about my weight, it has stayed the same for the last couple of years and I am fine with it. So how did I achieve that, what changed in my head? The answer is, I do not know. I tried to stop throwing up a million times without success. But then one day, I did not do it anymore. I think it was a process that happend slowly, over month where I gradually throw up less and then got down to zero. But it was nothing I did counsciously. It just happend.
I do not even know for sure what I want to say with the above. Maybe that I am not sure that I will be able to stop picking by counting the days I am not doing it. What I really need to do is to stop beeing obcessive about the way my skin looks. That is the only way I will be able to stop picking at my face. The back and scalp picking, however, do not have much to do with that. Those I mostly pick unconsciously. But that does not make me as depressed, so I guess I could live with it.
Well, sorry if I sound confused. It is probably because I feel confused.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi!

Friday evening. Finally, I have access to the internet again (it was not working all day). I really feel addicted. Not beeing able to read my mail or to come here affected me greatly, even though I knew it probably would be fixed after a day.

Well..... I am picking. And I am not even feeling bad about it. It feels like it is the only thing that keeps me alive these days. The only thing that can keep my mind of my frustrating job situation and the only thing that can calm me enough in the evenings so that I can fall asleep. It is sad, I know. I have created a big wound beside my mouth (used a needle), and it will probably take a week before that thing is healed again. I thought I was done with needles. But apparently I am not.

Yesterday, I found out that I might be able to get some therapy during the autumn. Nothing is decided yet, because there is this big language problem (I would need to get therapy in English, since I am not good enough at speaking the local language). But I am hoping.... . Something needs to happen. I am in the middle of a major depression and the thoughts of ending my pathetic existence cross my mind a bit too often. I am not sure that therapy can help my picking -but maybe, if I could get some help with the pain my family has caused me (and continues to cause me).....that would be a big step forward. I am still crying over things that happend 10 years ago. When will I be able to leave these things behind? Maybe never.

I might try to take some antidepressants again. I have previously tried Zoloft and Paxil, but without much success. Zoloft made my depression and my skin worse (and hence also my picking), while Paxil had no effect on any of these but resulted in an irritating weight gain. Well. When I spoke to my doctor about it, she said, she wants me to try effexor (venlafaxine). I will see her again next week. I hope, I have made a decision by that time. It scares me to take pills that affect my mind.... but on the other hand, what if I could get better?

hoppe

[hoppe]

Tuesday afternoon. I have not written a couple of days. I did not want to sit down and think about how I am feeling.

Two days ago, sunday, I had not picked at all for about two days. I felt really happy and strong and positive. And then in the evening, on my way to bed, I passed the mirror. I just wanted to take a quick glance. But of course I ended up picking. I only picked for some minutes, but the worst about it was that I liked it. It felt good. Especially since I had not done it for a while. I could literally feel how I got 'high' on it.

Afterwards I felt scared. How will I ever be able to convince myself that I should stop this, if it can create these kind of feelings in me?

Today, I saw this show on television about drug addiction and they followed a mother of two who tried to become clean after beeing addicted to painkillers for twenty years. Her family talked a lot about how she had been emotionally and physically unavailable for years, not participating in any activities, always laying in bed. And I thought about the countless number of times I have been hiding at home, canceling appointments, dates, everything, always trying to tell myself that it is fine, that I did not want to go to this anyway, that I prefer to be alone. And the countless number of times my boyfriend has asked me if we should do something together outside, maybe go for a walk in the beautiful sunshine - but I did not want to go because I did not want him to see me in daylight. Instead I preferred to hide away in the semi-dark living room in front of the television/computer/my textbooks. And I hated myself so much in these moments. But there was no way that I could go outside with him.

I want to stop this. I want to be a better girlfriend, a better sister, a better daughter. But I do not know how. I just do not know.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Monday morning. I have not written much lately..... .

I feel exhausted. Constantly fighting myself, trying not to pick.... (but without much success. I have picked alot during the last week). Last wedensday, I saw my doctor, who wanted to put me on effexor. However, after some careful consideration, I said no. I am depressed, and maybe I should have tried it, but I feel that it is so much more important that I stop picking - I am sure that my depression instantly would get better in that case. And I do not think that antidepressants will help very much with the picking. I tried instead to get an anti-psychotic from my doctor, since a lot of people on this board have reported good results with these - but she was against it..... .

So what will I do now? Continue to wait. All I have been doing lately. Waiting for the wounds to heal. Waiting for therapy. Waiting to get better. I am sick of waiting. I feel, life passes me by, while I sit here - waiting.


I have thought a lot about picking during the last couple of days. It often feels like such a natural behaviour that I am not sure that I can fight it. The only reason that I think I should be able to stop it is because some people are not doing it - no picking, no squeezing, nothing. At least that is what I think. Maybe in reality everbody does it somewhere on their body (like everybody sometimes breaks a wind or picks their nose (I mean, inside)). Maybe I am trying to force myself to stop something that everybody else does. Of course that will not work. I am only human, not super(wo)man.... .

The problem might be that I am to hard on myself. I have said before that I do not think ´zero tolerance´ will work for me, but in reality that is what I am asking for from myself. I feel, if I cannot achieve a ZT situation regarding my picking, I am worthless. But that is not true. Instead I should be happy for every time I do not pick, every time I manage to go away from the mirror before I did harm. I might have picked an hour before, and I might pick again an hour later, but right there, I managed to step away from the mirror, and I should appreciate that. But it is hard to appreciate anything with a face covered with wounds.

hoppe

[ameise]

Hi hoppe and others -

hoppe - it sounds like you're feeling both gentleness with yourself but also discouragement.

It's true... zero tolerance may not be possible for some of us.

however, at this moment I am feeling very hopeful about the possibility of reducing the amount of time and the depth that this obsession/ tendency affects my life, my thoughts on a moment to moment basis...

I trying the 21 day ZT and on day 7. In part, it has been possible and not so difficult because I was visiting friends out of town for the past 4 days.

The trip was encouraging not just because I didn't pick, but because I had two wounds that weren't completely healed, but I felt okay about them -- like we were all looking in each others eyes and no one was focusing on those spots. One of the friends I was visitng also had what I think was a picked-pimple on his temple and he seemed not to even think of it so much, which made me think, there is a level of bad skin/ picking/ imperfection that is just a normal part of being human.


I am also encouraged because only one wound remains... almost healed. Having my skin free of open places/ broken skin makes it much easier not to check on it, look at it all the time... reminds me of how it is a cycle & how it's not alwasy so hard, when you can get into a positive cycle, too.

I don't want to be overly sunshiny... this has been with me for years, and there have been ups and downs before... but right now (so upset about how my skin looks) I feel like I am more able to see/ objectively look at this thought & action pattern ... almost from the outside, a lttle more clearly, instead of from the place of being stuck under it... waitng to heal, etc all that...

well, actually, I don't think I yet have any big insights, but feeling better, and better about remembering that once you start to get away from it a little it gets better & easier.

best wishes,

Ameise

[hoppe]

Hi

Congratulations ameise to your success!! Seven days is still only a dream for me. And what a dream....... . (By the way, ameise, did you pick your name due to any german roots?)

I am not doing to well today. I might have an interview for a position this week, and the anxiety definitely increases my picking.

Yesterday, I read something in another thread (unfortunately I do not remember which), which made me think a lot. It was about Impulse Control Disorder. I think that is THE answer. I might have OCD-like behaviour (constant checking if things are turned off and also minor ritualistic behaviour ´if I do like this, I will prevent anything bad from happening´), but my picking is not OCD. When I am standing in front of the mirror, I cannot control the IMPULSE to pick. It happens instantly, before I can think not to do it. Somebody finally gave me the answer, and I do not remember who (I think it might have been in a post by cool hand luke. Thank you ).

When I looked it up on the internet, I realized that Trichotillomania apparently is classified as an Impulse Control Disorder. And skin picking and Trichotillomania are very much related after my opinion. How come skin picking has not been classified yet? As far as I understand, it can be part of BDD, however, there are many people on this board, who do not seem to show BDD symptoms. I think the comorbidity might be very high, but skin picking is a disorder of its own. It must be.

Impulse Control Disorder. Those three words did something to me. I put them on a piece of paper on my mirror. Maybe, if I read them before I pick, it might change something. Just stop me for a second. Make me think. If it can prevent me from picking just once, it can already be considered a success.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi again.

I am fighting, fighting, fighting..... . Picked a little bit, but managed to stop. Got a lot of small infections during the last two days, and it is really hard not to attack them. Do not really know why my skin is so bad. Do not have PMS right now.
Anyway, usually I would attack them all, but I have not done it yet. I do not want to. But I am not sure I will manage. The look in the mirror is so painful. The wounds from the last couple of days scream at me. Why I am doing this to me. Why?

I wish there was somebody at my side who understands, what I am going through. Somebody, who has been there. Somebody, who knows what it is like.

I am often dreaming about this place, we talked about in another thread, a retreat for pickers, where you could stay for a while, get help, therapy, skin care etc. . In my local newspaper was a report about a retreat for sugar-addicts. If that is possible, why not a place for skin pickers? In my head I have build it a number of times. It would have five separate units, the therapy unit (psychologists and psychiatrists), the medical unit (dermatologists, general physicians....), the health and fitness unit (gym, swimmingpool, yoga classes, relaxation techniques, massage, nutritionists, ...), the beauty unit (make-up artists, fashion advice...) and the art unit (library, music room, art classes...). People could stay days, weeks (or even months), depending on their situation. Mirrors are of course removed from the rooms on request. And every room should have an emergency button - in case you need someone to come and prevent you from picking..... . Feel free to come with more ideas !!

hoppe

[ameiseameise]

Hi hoppe-

the skin picker's retreat made me both smile & little tears come to my eyes, too. I have never thought about what that place would be, but I've definately thought "I need a residential program" where things are a little controlled for me.

I also understand what you mean about impulse control -- my therapist recommends this method where you stop and relabel your impulse as OCD, and try to wait 15 minutes before doing it.... and that hasn't brought me much success.. there doesn't seem to be much of a pause or a window before I launch in -- or maybe when I'm in the picking-mood/ mindset, I just don't care about the waiting-idea. I think: I'll stop later.

However, perhaps that window, or pause, or ledge of awareness from which you can stop yourself maybe gets wider during the times when one is less oppressed by picking... for example, today I am on day 8. At work this morning, though, I squeezed about 4 blackhead pores. I didn't do any damage, and didn't get absorbed, so I don't really feel too bad about (I will note the slip-up and keep going forward with the 21 days) BUt my state of mind as I was able to stop myself felt different than how it has sometimes in the past -- like I never fully got into it, almost felt like the state of tossing and turning restlessly in bed ... perhaps as if unable to fall into the picking trance/ sleep...

Anyway... I am now trying to keep resolve as almost everything is healed (except old scars). I am looking forward to seeing how my skin will look in 13 more days. Has anyone ever heard that every cell in your body replaces itself in 6 months & I think every skin cell in 6 weeks.... (42 days)... so those are other renewal time tables to look forward to.

BTW, hoppe, yes, my mother was german -- from a town named Helmstedt, near Volksburg...

And hoppe, if 7 days sounds impossible to you -- it's not -- I was in an everyday pick mode a couple weeks ago... I think if you could find someway to stop for 3 days or so, it would get easier ... (as you know) when one's skin is messed up, it's so hard to stay away from it... I even get in the the mind set of "well, it's already a mess so I might as well be completely thorough & try to squeeze out every detectable bit of sebum, etc... and of course that keeps the cycle going...

none of this is anything new, but I'm just trying to emphasize how breaking the chain for just a little bit is helpful.

I'm glad you're trying hard, hoppe. Am I right in thinking you are at home alot (not working or in school) -- that also makes it hard... I know it is hard to contemplate purposefully going out where you'd be exposed, but a week of so ago when I had to/ got to work at home for a week was really not good in terms of picking. My thoughts all day were on my skin & my daily structure revolved around it (wash face, check face, pick, try to stop, steam facial, healing creams, work for a couple hours, back to the mirror, wash face, examine, etc.....)

okay, good luck to me & everyone else.

Ameise

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

Thank you for the encouraging words!! I needed them.

It is evening here, and I feel more calm. I picked some, but it was not as bad as it could have been. That is good. And I also tried to tell myself today that although I have not been able to stop yet, I think overall my picking has gotten better during the last month. I remember times, where I would spent half the night in the bathroom, every night, picking and picking and picking, while my boyfriend was sleeping. That was very hard. I felt so alone. I was so alone... . Now I mostly pick during the day.

Actually, you described my day, ameise - "wash face, check face, pick, try to stop, steam facial, healing creams, work for a couple hours, back to the mirror, wash face, examine, etc.....". That is my day - except that ´work´should be replaced with ´study´or ´be online´. Well, I hope the later will soon change. It seems that I have an interview on thursday... (anxiety attack).

I am happy for you ameise. You deserve the success!! I wish I could do a little time-travel, reappear on day 8 of beeing pick-free and then join you in the battle.... . I would really like to have you as a 21-day-partner!!

BTW, I wonder if moratorium, who started the whole 21-day thing, knows how many people she has affected with this - I hope, she is still going strong.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Wedensday evening. I am feeling okay today. Picked a little this morning, but it was not bad. I managed to stay away from the mirror for most of the day, which was good.

I feel a little anxious about the meeting I am going to tomorrow. I think, it is not even the meeting itself, but the way there that bothers me most. I have to go by subway and then bus, and I just hate it. The light in the subway always makes my skin look strange (I wonder if anyone else feels that way?). It is crazy, I know. Nobody cares about it, I know that too. But I cannot help how I feel about it.

Yesterday, I looked at the skin in my face for a while, all the miscolourings and scars I have caused, and it made me very sad. Somebody should have given me a picture seven years ago - that is what you are going to look like, if you continue. Well, probably, it would not have stopped me. But I wish I had understood earlier what I am doing to myself. It took years before it started to dawn on me that the problem is not my skin. I am the problem. Most infections, I get, I have caused myself. Not to mention all the wounds. I constantly have a wound somewhere on my face. No skin likes that.... . I often wonder why I did not understand it earlier. I did lots of things to improve my skin (like eating healthy, sleeping enough) and I used countless numbers of different pills and lotions and creams to make it look better. Nothing helped. I never understood, that the problem was (is) my picking... .

Today I regret all the stuff I have tried on my face over the years. Like my tea tree oil period. I used it undiluted on my face for months, until the skin was completely wrinkled and red and coming off in flakes. It really helped against infections, so I could not stop using it. Eventually, when I moved in with my boyfriend, I decided to stop using it, mainly because of the smell. Not because of my skin... .
I hope I can forgive myself one day for what I have done to myself.

hoppe

[ameiseameise]

Hi hoppe-

Congratulations on your days of minimal picking, and on recognizing the progress from over-night picking sessions to where you are now.

If you do want to start a 21 day ZT, I would be happy to be your partner. I don't think it matters so much that we're not on the same day. For one thing, it would be great if I could extend my ZT period to last until the end of your 21 days. Secondly, I feel like what is most important is being able to touch base & check in on a daily basis, not so much what day of the cycle it is.

So, really, in a way you have been serving me as a partner... right now I feel like I need to journal on here daily, and it seems you do, too. I also can identify with your descriptions and feelings (as I can with most of the folks on here, but the way you express yourself feels familiar to me.)

So, thank you for the support. I think I'm on day 9 now (my calendar isn't accessible at the moment)-- no major slipups ... only those few clogged pores yesterday & today a little scratching at some dry skin on a healing place (that would've best been left alone, but I stopped quickly.)

I am getting a few small pimples today, so it's possible that the next few days will be more challenging.

hoppe, I know what you mean about the regret about what we have done to our skin up to now. I have had the same thought about if I could've seen a picture when I started of how my skin looks now...

I have been picking for longer than you have... I just turned 31 last weekend. I started at around 15 or 16. There have been years, though, that were much better... for 3 years when I was very happy in college & for 2.5 years in gradschool. And a year working in florida that wasn't quite as good, but it was less of an obsession.

It is a little scary that I could have been so much better and then gotten worse again -- suggests that this is something that I will probably have to be watchful about for a long time, maybe forever.

Sometimes I try to figure out what were the circumstances that enabled me to do better during those better times. I know some of it is overall happiness stuff -- being in school and learning, living in places that were beautiful, where I could go for nature-walks, living with boyfriends... but some of it I know is just silly circumstantial stuff. For example, at one house I lived at, I picked very rarely for about two years, and then the landlord changed the bathroom light fixture and things got worse (then again, I think my boyfriend moved out around that time, too --- but as I remember it, the trigger that really started me picking again was the unflattering light... ) It seems unfair that such circumstantial things can have an effect -- at the same time, I guess that means it's also possible to improve things with gentle lighting, etc.

Back on the subject of regretting damage done -- I actually did the most severe damage to my skin in the first few years of picking, between ages 17 and 19, I think. All of my scars that I wish were gone are from that time. I suppose to some extent I learned to be more gentle (nonetheless I still have been regularly breaking my skin & causing wounds that make me self conscious all day long, for weeks...).

Anyway, in the same way that it seems unfair that the damage I do in 5 minutes can cause days and weeks of painful self consciousness, it also seems unfair that those scars from so long ago are still with me.

Perhaps if I get to a place of really minimal picking (normal people picking), I can look into some scar fixing.

But I am not sure if I should be lookinng forward to that possibility, or if just accepting my skin as it is, is part of the same kind of acceptance that will enable me to stop picking.

Maybe something to talk to my therapist about. Either way, the immediate goal is the same -- getting to a non-obsessed with skin state of mind.

hoppe, I am on day 9, but like I said, I've got extra years of picking under my belt spurring me on -- maybe you can stop sooner.

I think this site, your & other's support & moratorium's lovely chart really are helping me -- perhaps if I'd had them years ago, I could've been more free of this sooner.

hoppe -- what is your interview? -- let me know how it goes.

as usual, good luck

ameise

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

Thank you for your post.

I have to admit, I am almost in tears here. I am thinking about giving this 21-day thing another chance, and I feel very affected by it emotionally. I really want to do it - but I am also so scared of failing (again).

I feel strangely connected to you, ameise. I do not know why. But it feels good. I think, if you are willing to be my 21-day partner, I will give it a try. Tomorrow would be a good day for day 1.

BTW - In which time zone are you? It is 23:22, where I live, so I am 7 hours ahead of the time on the board.

Thank you for beeing there, ameise!!

hoppe

[ameiseameise]

Okay, hoppe, I'm here whenever you want to start day 1 -- even if it's day 1 again and again...

I didn't get through my first attempt, either... I messed up significantly on day 5, I think, but my first 4 days of that previous attempt had more minor slips ups than this attempt.

I am on United States Pacific Time (I'm in California). So the board says Sept 1st 8:40 pm (I think that would be 20:40 on the 24 hour clock) & for me it is 2 hours earlier 6:40 pm (18:40)

where are you?

ameise

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

I am ready!! Today I will have day 1. I am nervous. I will write more later (afternoon/evening) and tell you how it is going.

I looked into this time zone thing. I am on Central European Time (live in Sweden), that means there are 9 hours between us. I am just getting out of bed on the Sep 2nd (7:08 am here), while you are getting in bed on Sep 1st (10:08 pm).... . That feels weird!

Sweet dreams to you.

hoppe