hoppe's journal

[hoppe]

5:10 pm at my place. I feel a desire to pick. It is strong right now. I could feel it build up during the last couple of hours. I try to stay away from the mirror. If I go to close, I will give in, I know it. But I feel that the mirror is calling me .......

Uuh, I do not know what to do. My boyfriend is not at home. I could have a real little pick-party here. I do not want to. I do not want to. I am on day 2. God damnit, I will not fail now.

hoppe

[seabreeze]

Hoppe- DON'T DO IT!!! This is Day 2, of course you have uncontrollable urges but do something else right now. Go outside for a walk, go lay down for a rest, do whatever, ANYTHING but not pick! You will feel so much power when you get to day 3 tomorrow. Believe me, when you are at day 3, the suffering today (willpower)will be worth it. Promise yourself you'll get to the third day, it should get a bit easier. You will start to get used to it and your feeling of accomplishment will combat the urges! Of course the urge will still be there, but the good feeling you get from having self-control over this bad habit might be stronger than the temptation to pick. it happened for me!

I know you are having trouble now because you are alone in the house. I always have the worst time being alone. It makes me think of picking. Go outside, try not to be alone right now. For these first couple of days, you really have to occupy yourself. You're not alone now. I'm with you and so is everyone else on this site, so FIGHT IT with us! I know you can do it- you are so strong! Plus, you made it to day 2... that is the hardest part -so keep going!

:)Seabreeze

[hoppe]

8:00 pm.
I still have the urge, but it is a little better. I cleaned a lot and then I worked out (exercise bike). It helped, but I better stay away from the mirror.

I feel really frustrated right now. Why is it so hard? WHY? I was so happy earlier, why couldn't that continue?

Seabreeze, thank you for the encouraging words. I am really happy, I found this board. Without it I would have no chance of ever beating this. I so want to get better. .... .

Earlier today, a friend called me. She asked if she could sleep at my place for two nights (two weeks from now). I really did not know what to say. I ended up saying yes, but I am not sure if it was right. It is really hard for me to have people visiting. It takes so much energy. And I am very dependent on having time enough in the morning to do my make-up/hair etc. . My boyfriend is used to that it always takes lots of time for me to get ready. I think he accepts it, although he has commented on it a few times. However, it is really hard with other people - I feel embarassed staying 1½ hours in the bathroom.... .

hoppe

[ameise]

Hi hoppe, seabreeze, others,

That is so interesting that you both have been in Sweden. Seabreeze, your interlude in swedish made me wish for the ability to speak & for lots of interesting keys (accents, symbols) on my computer -- it's nice to be on this board, where my focus is somewhat this limiting skin-issue, and to be reminded of the richness & complexity of the world .... (languages, traditions). Sweden sounds wonderful.

hoppe -- did you make it all the way through day 2?

Yesterday was easy -- very little time or urge to pick.

you know I was thinking about it... it is not so hard to get through each individual day without picking -- especially because my skin is getting better, the new little pimples subsiding, and also because I have been fairly busy with work.

However, when I really think: is it true that I am never again going to sit in front of the mirror again & just let myself "clean out' all the pores?.. when I do that, it is like there is a little adremaline feeling, I think it's fear of knowing what the bad results could be, but there comes a point, after squeezing one pore or two or three, where I just think: okay, I'm going to let myself go fully into it.... it's letting myself slip into a familiar world that is separate from the rest of life (is a barrier), but somehow that;s what I like about it....

I don't feel any desire to do that now. It really doesn't sound particularly appealing... it almost sounds slightly yucky, I can imagine the grease on my fingers rubbing into my pores... But even though it sounds unappealing now, and even though I am believing I will get through the 21 days without any major picking-sessions, it is hard to believe this could be out of my life forever. Maybe I am just so used to it. And even though the pore-session doesn't sound appealing, the idea of perhaps plucking some ingrown hairs on my legs doesn't sound bad...

That is something I have a question about: plucking odd hairs on my body has never become really an obsession for me, I've never damaged myself doing it... but I know it fills some of the same cravings... I guess to be on the safe side, I would not ry to use that as a replacement behavior, but does anyone have any exerience/ opinions on whether that would be workable or not... Or any good suggestions of a replacement behavior -- something that satisfies both the tiny-hand-work and the self-cleansing -- I doubt there could be any such thing.


Well, hoppe, I hope you don't mind that with this letter/ entry I have delved a bit into thoughts of what the picking sessions are like for me/ what's the appeal/ trying to imagine life without them long-term...

hoppe, when you mentioned replacing picking with time on this board, yes, I can see myself doing that too... the only thing that isn't quite right: when picking, my mind, on some level, wanders. I think it is a little like the value of REM sleep. I don't think I get that while reading/ writing here.

yes, my time with S was nice - he & another friend & I saw the movie Garden State -- was good (though a little sappy at one point). I am not sure whether you'd have to be familiar with patterns of speech/ mannerisms from American Shopping Mall/ New Jersey culture in order to apreciate the female character with unexpected depth in the movie --- it was good.

I have not told him. The movie actually inspired me somewhat to want to -- it was a love story, with the 2 in love revealing some unpleasant things to each other about themselves. But I am not quite ready... I feel I am getting stronger in relation to this over the first 12 of the 21 days. I think as I get stronger/ a little perspective on it, it will be clearer to me what to say & how (maybe/ hopefully -- or maybe someone form this board can just call & tell him for me... haha). I have not yet fully sorted out what I want to tell him, what I am hoping from him (I plan to do some journal writing about that soon).

So, to complete the checking- in...

I am on day 12 (with minor slip ups on day 1, day 8 & day 10) -- I feel confident about getting through today. And probably through the weekend, as I will be at S's house...

hoppe, one last thing -- with your 1.5 hour makeup/ hair time... how do you feel about needing that long? When my skin is bad, I can easily take an hour (though I usually give myself 30 - 45 minutes & then end up stressed & frenzied & late) But when there are no "active/open " wounds it only takes 15 - 20 minutes... that is actually one of the major life-is-easier improvements that spurs me on to want to quit...

Could your get-ready time be shortened as your skin heals?

I am/ have been a perfectionist about lots of things over the years, but at this point, I think I look better more-natural.... part of it has to do with getting older, and feeling like it looks tacky to be overly done-up... mabye it's even in-security in part, where I don't want to try too hard & then feel I don't look right/ perfect anyway... multiple reasons, I guess, but it's easier than lots of preparation. But if you like the results of the 1.5 hours, then I think it's GOOD! Insist on it for yourself. 1.5 hours is not really all that long... I'm sure models/ actresses/ etc are worked on for longer than that...

best luck today

Ameise

[hoppe]

Hi

It is 6:30 am at my place. An hour ago I woke up after a bad nightmare. It was about my father. In my dream, we had a terrible fight. I told him that it had been wrong of him to leave me. And I also talked about the nights, where I was all alone and scared. He said that it it was all my fault. The fight took place in front of a lot of people, some of them from my family, and he was so arrogant towards me. He said that if I had been alone at nights, I could just have found someone to stay over. The others agreed with him.
I never had that fight with him in real life. I am stilll far to hurt to talk with him about it. But the dream was very realistic. He was so ignorant of my feelings.

I am not sure if I should write about this here. I came here, because I started crying after the nightmare and because I went to the mirror and tried to find something to pick at. I was lucky, there was nothing obvious, so I managed to get away and come here instead, before anything happend. But it again made it so clear to me- I pick because of the pain inside of me. I pick because my father made me worthless, when he left me. And it hurts so much. Picking relieves the pain. It really does.

After my father left, I cried every night for a year. Then I started throwing up. That helped me back then. I threw up a lot. 3-6 times every day. After a while a female teacher at my school asked me if I had an eating disorder. I told her the truth. She was so kind towards me. She often took me home with her, so I could sleep there. And she let me cry in her arms. She was such a wonderful person. Without her I would not have survived those years. Some months before school was over, my father suddenly sold the house I was living in. I was basically homeless. My teacher told me that I could stay at here place, but just when I was about to move in, she got some terrible family-problems. It had nothing to do with me, but I could no longer stay at her house. I completely understood back then. But I think it still hurt. After school was over, I lost contact with her. But I am often thinking of her. In my nightmare I desperately tried to remember her phone number, so that I could call her.... .

I am still crying a little here. I am not sure if I have the right to. I read some posts of others and their tragic family story and I am not sure that mine is comparable. At least nobody beat or raped me, and none of my 'close' family members are dead. And again, I am not even sure I should post this here. It is my very personal pain, and I am just about to put it out there to read for who ever comes by.... . But I think it is such a big part of why I pick. Therefore it might after all belong here in my journal.

I feel so confused right now.

hoppe

[seabreeze]

Hoppe, I hope you were able to get some sleep after all. I'm sorry about your nightmare. I think it is because you have chosen to confront this and change- so all the original causes are surfacing. This is a natural part of the process. I had similar nightmares too. My greatest wish today is for you to wake up this morning and happily greet Day 3! ;D

Keep going girl! Those nightmares are like the little devil on your shoulder that says keep picking... Ignore him and he will go away eventually.

You need to do this for yourself because you deserve happiness and relief. This morning you couldn't find anything noticeable to pick? Hey, that is awesome right there isn't it? You are making so much progress already. See what just a couple of days can do? Don't stop now!

:DSeabreeze

[hoppe]

Hi Seabreeze and Ameise

Thank you. I managed to go back to bed and sleep a few hours. Now I am feeling much better.

BTW - I think the reason I did not find anything to pick was partly also because I was crying. I could not see too much!! A few moments ago the mirror showed me a nasty elevated infection on my chin - that was definitely also there 5 hours ago. However, I think the last days have made a big difference. Overall my face looks so much better. I decided not to pop it, because I do not want to destroy what I achieved (note: I could decide it!). Before my inner eye I could see how it would look after an attack - not really what I want to start this day with. Because this is my day number 3!!! And if I make it to day 4 it would be breaking a record of unbelievable dimensions! So, all I need to do is stay strong the rest of the day. Sounds easy, but I will see how it goes.

Are you leaving today, Seabreeze? I almost feel sad, because you are leaving Sweden. I do not know where you are, but maybe we have passed each other on the street without knowing? How strange that would be.... . I sometimes have a strong desire to meet a fellow picker, but I am not sure that it would be so good an idea. I am afraid it would just mean sitting and judging the others skin...... .

Anyway, Seabreeze, have a nice trip to Amsterdam -and watch out for the temptations there.... ;D

Ameise, to your last post. I am really happy that you are still going strong!!

In regard to the hairs. I love removing undesired hairs on my chin/eyebrows/legs. It is not as good as picking, but it can be close (especially those on my chin). However, I do not think it would be good to try to use it as a replacement habit for picking - I would be scared that it might develop into Trichotillomania. I am so convinced CSP and Trich. have a similar etiology, so I will not lead my mind to jump from one disorder to the next. Therefore I am actually trying to reduce hair removal as much as possible. I do not know if we can find something that "satisfies both the tiny-hand-work and the self-cleansing". Especially the 'tiny-hand-work' I do not know. I mean that is what leads to getting so absorbed in what you are doing that you might end up in a trance-like state, doesn't it? However, the self-cleansing....I think we could find a replacement habit there of taking really good care of ourselves - like taking long relaxing baths, body-scrub (without picking!), etc. .

About the time it takes to do my hair/make-up. The 1,5 hours is on a good day. On bad skin days it might take 3. So I am already implying that my skin will look acceptable to some degree. Also, I cannot count on that beeing pick-free is going to work for me - I might break down and pick my skin to pieces the day before she arrives, and then what?? I have to say though that I briefly saw her last year, after a BAD picking episode, so she must have some idea that I have either a skin disease or CSP. I also think she picks sometimes too. Partly because of some red marks I have seen, but also because of things she has said like - "I removed the mirror from my bathroom, because it annoyed me". It might be that I am completely wrong here, but there are some signs that indicate it.

Now I will start my day number 3 with a nice cup of tea. Talk to you later.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi again

Uhh, I have been posting a lot lately. If anybody feels offended by the number of my posts, please let me know. I am mostly doing it for myself, to see how things are going/changing.

So, right know it is 15:40 at my place. I have not picked yet!! . The thing on my chin is not looking good, but I hope I will stay away from it. However, I have spent some time at the mirror just inspecting it (and the rest of my skin). There is some stuff to give in to .... but - I have a record to break. I want to go 4 days without picking. I am determined !! (however, still 1½ days to go....)

While I inspected the 'thing' I considered my motives for picking it. I mean, as I said, I think my picking is based on emotional trouble, but I cannot really use that as an excuse to pick one isolated infection, when I actually emotionally feel quite okay. And I know that my skin will look worse immediately after I picked it, so why would I want to do that? Well, I concluded there are two reasons why I want to pick/squeeze it:

a) then I have done it, and need no longer to walk around thinking about - what if I picked it.

b) because I think it will heal faster and hence sooner look better than if I just leave it alone. So here is my rationale - if I successfully pick that thing now then it will be so much smaller tomorrow that I can cover it with make-up, and by tuesday it will be more or less gone. I know it will destroy my sunday, however, my tuesday and maybe also my monday will be more enjoyable, and that is why I should do it. This would be my justification for picking that thing.

So, I am trying to tell myself that I cannot do much about a. I think the temptation will get smaller with time and I will hopefully stop constantly thinkig ' what if I pop it' . About b I need to realize that it might be true in single cases, but in MOST cases my picking will result in a nasty wound, that will destroy my sunday, my monday and my tuesday. And picking one spot will often lead to picking more spots. And - picking will also create more spots.

So I need to get away from thinking that if I pick something now that will lead to an improvement of my skin in the near future. It will not.

And another thing - since I always have popped everything, ready or not, I really have no idea how long time it takes for a pimple of that size to dissappear of its own (yet, I know for basically every type of wound/scab when it will be better....). I might look at it as a scientific project. I will try to find out how long time it will take for it to go away by itself.

A lot of babbling about one infection. Well, I do have an obcession about skin, that is why I am here. But it will get better. It must.

hoppe

[ameiseameise]

Hi hoppe-

I'm writing from S's house now -- so unfortuneately I will be brief -- having not told him, a few moments ago I had one of those anxiety moments, minimizing the board-screen as he walked through the room...

anyway -- I am sorry about your mightmare, too - but I agree it's a god sgn that you are confronting/ dealing with the things you need to.

And, Yeah! for walking away from the mirror and starting the "how long will this take to go away on its own" experiment...

I have a pimple on that experiment now, too. And I had one back at the beginning of my first unsuccessful 21 day attempt -- it was a kind that hurt and felt deep under the skin & to my amazement it never turned big & ugly & was completely gone in about 3 days... very encouraging for the do-nothing approach

I competely relate to the idea of it being hard to leave things to develop/ subside o their own , because at least with a healing wound, you know what you're dealing with, etc... (but it hasn't really wored well for us so far, right? that's why we're here.)

Also to address your reasons -- (I liked the way you figured them out & listed them, a., b, & c... -- I think like that, too -- categorizing, organizing thoughts)

as for the first reason: "then you won't have to think about it/ think about whether you will pick it" -- well, for me, that would be replaced by constant thoughts of "how is it now? how is healing progressing?" as well as guilt thoughts/ "will I ever be able to get away from this behavior " thoughts..

and as for the idea it might go away faster if you did -- that is hard, huh? I have mentioned that to my therapist -- tehre are some percent of picking incidents where one actually seems to improve things/ speed a pimple going away -- and that positive reinforcement makes it all the harder to get rid of all the other attachments..

but for me, I really think it's probably 10% of the time at most that it helps... so if you/ your skin is like mine, the odds are it won't help, perhaps you can convince yourself to go with the odds...

so, I REALLY HOPE YOU MAKE IT TO DAY 4 -- I really do... let;s all show each other how this is possible.

I am feeling okay & pretty strong today, too. the times I have leaned in to the mirror I have just leaned back to standing and noted how you really can't see the things you see close up when you're not leaned in...

ameise

[hoppe]

21:30

I am having withdrawal symptoms. Big time. I cannot explain it in another way. I constantly find myself in front of the mirror. I want to pick, pick, pick. Not just the nasty infection. All of it. I want to pick, scratch, squeeze. I am trying to take deep breaths and relaxe, but it is hard. Why is it so hard? That cannot be normal. How can someone become addicted to selfmutilation?

Sometimes I have terrible thoughts in my head (do NOT read further if you are sensitive !!). Sometimes, when I am standing with a knife or a scissor in my hands, I am thinking I could use them to end my picking problems once and for all. I could just destroy my face beyond recognition, and I am sure, I would never be worried about a pimple again. So far it has just been thoughts and I have never hurt myself physically with a knife or a scissor. But the thoughts do scare me. They make it clear to me how much pain my CSP causes me. I wonder how other people on the board cope with the pain of having CSP? I mean not the pain of having a face/back/arm covered in wounds, but the fact that they have done it to themselves and that they cannot stop it. I wonder, if anyone of you ever cries because you have CSP? Can you cry over it? When I was bulimic, I could not cry over it before afterwards, when I was not throwing up any more. When I realized my CSP I could not cry over it either. But now I do. I think I first started to get better when I started crying over it.... .

Well, thank you for listening. I think I am going through a really intense periode right now, and I hope when I get better, I will stop to flood this board with messages.

hoppe

[seabreeze]

Hi Hoppe & Ameise,

I am so amazed at your progress! You are both doing so well and are inspiring me through my tough times. Please don't worry about the number of posts. It is totally worth it if it makes us feel better and keeps us from picking!

Hoppe, the last thing you described about the thoughts you had... I want you to know that I learned about that stuff in my anxiety and depression program, so don't feel like you're the only one who has them. There is a whole CD called "How to stop obsessive, scary thoughts" and the main point I got from it was that people with anxiety (or CSP) use these scary obsessions to distract themselves from what is really going on in their life that they cannot (or find it difficult to) cope with. I think you would find that most people, if not all, on this board have similar thoughts. It takes your mind off what is really bothering you. They gave an example on the CD about a guy who had a fear of bridges and every time he got to a certain bridge and had to cross it, he would start imagining hurting or killing his grandchildren. They figured out that he thought about that because it was the absolute worst thing he could possibly think of to effectively distract himself from his fear of the bridge. That is only one example... I heard many more! The other good thing for you that I learned is that if your thoughts scare you, then you are not crazy. It is when you are not scared of them and you feel good about the thoughts when you might have problems. So believe me, it is totally normal to want to distract yourself and that's all it is, so you don't need to be afraid of that!

My husband and I drove to Norway. We listened to that CD a couple times on the way. One of my scary obsessions has to do with a fear of heights and if I am up high I used to think "what if I jump off?" And this has alot to do with self-control. It is because I did not feel I had self-control, that I was afraid of heights. We own our bodies and ARE in control of them.

We went to the top of Priekestolen/Pulpit Rock (604 meters above sea level) and I actually got down and crawled out to the edge and looked over to see that drop! I felt really proud of myself for doing that because I demonstrated self control and faced my fear! Just months ago, I would not have been able to go up there, I would have been too scared! Just wanted to share that with you.

Hang in there guys! I know you can make it to day 4,5,6 and beyond!!!

;DSeabreeze

[ameiseameise]

thanks, seabreeze

and hoppe -- please don't feel bad about long/ many posts... they are helping me & this is your journal thread, afterall...

hoppe, I can't say that I've ever pictured damaging my face to the point where it wouldn't matter anymore - yet I can imagine thinking that... I think it's not entirely dissimilar the the kinds of feelings of just giving in that I've had in the past where I feel like my face is in such bad shape, I've done so much harm already, that I just decide that I going to let myself pcik anything there is to pick, do whatever I want to it, for however long on end -- it's similar in that it's jst a desire to give up, not try to control this/ myself anymore.

But I think Seabreeze is right about your thoughts of self-injury... they are thougts to maybe get yourself a way out, a way away from picking.. they aren't real possiblities, and it is good for you to just recognize them as simple thoughts... maybe seeing how you could have such thoughts and not act on them could eventually help you have picking thoughts and not act on those either.

I'm sorry you are having to struggle so much today, & keep ending up in front of the mirror. That happens to me sometimes, and I know it is often a path to giving in to picking. Can you get ready & go out somewhere?

An encouraging possiblity: yesterday, as I wrote, I felt it was feasible to imagine going through individual days without picking, but the possiblity of never sitting in front of the mirror again, working on my skin, seemed unlikely... but today, for some reason, I can kind of imagine not doing it again... as if my cravng is subsiding. as if with anything, with a broken heart, memories.. over time, they sort of fade, or at least transform. Just like all kinds of things -- such as when I was a kid and enjoyed eating really junky candy. I can still remember how those those sweet artificial fruit flavors tasted good to me, but I don't have the desire to eat them now.

hoppe, did you go through a withdrawal with bullimia?

Oh, I also wanted to note about your upcoming visitor, who may pick & without the bathroom mirror... whether she picks or not, I think the fact that she got rid of her bathroom mirror is a pretty good indication that she must be trying to work out some self-image issues... and perhaps that can be a comfort to you during her visit, that she will see you with some level of understanding... that she understands that kind of struggle, and probably would feel more comfortable with you as an imperfect being than if you were apparently perfect... you know?

I think I would like to meet another CSP person in-person. I can imagine what you mean about the potential for heightened scrutiny of each other's skin -- but I think that would be okay. I think it would be a chance to know somwone was looking at you with the as-possible- to full knowledge of why your skin looks as it does, and how you feel about it, but the I think after a little time, it wouldn't be the focus anymore, we'd start to see each other as whole people instead, and I think that would feel especially rewarding with a fellow-CSP person.

I have a relatively new friend (a woman) with fairly severe acne scarring. I always wonder if she made it worse herself by picking. When I first met her, it was hard for me to feel comfortable around her... I couldn't stop thinking of her skin, and then of my skin. I guess I knew I was conscious of how her skin looked, so I figured she was also very aware of mine. I also kept wondering: is that how I look to people? is my scarring as bad as that? and then I would wonder: or do other people not think about her scars... I figured they didn't think about them as much as I did, but how much?

Anyway, I still do wonder these things about her... is it as big an issue for her as for me? has she talked to her husband about it... etc, etc. But the longer/ better I;ve known her, the more comfortable I am with her, and the less it is my primary focus when I'm with her, and the mroe I can see her as an attractive, vibrant person regardless of the scars -- gives me hope for how others may see me.

just some thoughts for the day--

take care,

ameise

[hoppe]

Hi seabreeze and ameise

Thank you for beeing there. You help me a lot!!!

Seabreeze, I think you are right about the thoughts - they have a lot do to with me trying to distract myself from things that are going on in my life (like anxiety - the thoughts become more frequent (and more violent) when I am having anxiety attacks). And ameise, you are right too, the thoughts might also be an attempt to find a way out of this hell. Thank you guys. I am already feeling less scared by them... .

BTW - seabreeze - great what you managed on Preikestolen!! I am also slightly scared of heights. And just like you it is mostly because I am afraid, I will jump. I am a bit interested in philosophy, and Sartre (one of the great existentialist), once wrote a long essay about how he thinks that the vertigo/angst we feel when we stare over a precipice not comes from the fear of falling, but only from the possibility that we might choose to jump (it is in Being and Nothingness from 1943, if you might be interested). I think he is right.

About my progress. Yesterday (it is 8:30 am, 6th of Sep.), after inspection 50 or so I scratched a little infection of my face. It was right beside my mouth, no squeezing involved, just a quick scratch with my fingernails and it was gone. Impulse Control Disorder, what else can I say? It only created a little red mark (no blood involved), yet afterwards I was filled with regret and anger (and I kept going back to just look at it). The feelings alone make me consider it an CSP attack. Now I am not sure whether I am back to day 1.... .

Ameise, you asked if I had withdrawal symptoms from my bulima. Yes, I think so. But you see, while my bulimia got better, my picking got worse. There was a coexistence of approximately half a year, where I went from zero-picking and throwing up 6 times a day to zero-throwing up and constant picking. So, I think I dealt with my withdrawal symptoms through picking. This makes me afraid that I will only be able to get rid of my CSP if I start another self-destructive behaviour instead - or go back to throwing up.

There is a lot going on in my head right now. Last night I dreamed of my former best friend. I lost her when I got CSP.... . We were very close, but when I started to avoid people and social events, she went from calling me 3 times a day to never. I often miss her . Yet, you could say, she was not much of a friend, if she would abandon me like that. In my dream we met again for the first time since then. We had an appointment, but she was late, and when she came her face was partly hidden by her coat. When she took it down, I could see that her face was covered in wounds. In my dream, she said a few words about it like, you know I am having these acne breakouts, and I have to use make-up on it. However, I could clearly see that the wounds were self-created. She then showed me the make-up she was using, and while I stood with it in my hands, she disappeared. I looked for her all over, because I know how important make-up is for someone with CSP. And in my head I decided to tell her all about my CSP and then show her this board. However, I did not find her again.

Well, in real life she had something very close to perfect skin. No acne or CSP. But funny that I put it over on her face in my dream. BTW - I myself was completely recovered in the dream !!!

Talk to you later!

hoppe

[hoppe]

11:00 am.

I am feeling fine right now. A little annoyed about not breaking the record - but I can do it again. I can. My face looks so much better. I applied make-up a moment ago and I had this surrealistic feeling that it was not my skin but somebody elses. It looked to good to be mine..... .

Well, the reason I write. I got a letter from my mother. She wants to come and visit me..... . I have not seen her for more than 3½ years and I am not sure it is such a good idea. Our relationship oscillates between very fragile and non-existent (you might remember, she left when I was 3-4 years old). We sometimes speak one the phone, but it is always about things like the weather, her garden, her allergies or Italy (she lives there most of the year). Nothing that can upset either of us to much. Talking about family/money/emotional problems etc. is completely forbidden. So - I am not sure what would happen if she turns up here. Not now. I really need my energy to fight my CSP, I do not want to spent part of it on worrying about a visit by my mother.... .

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi Ameise and Seabreeze

7:50 pm at my place. I have some good news and some bad news.

The good one first. Today I had an interview for another PhD position - and I got it . I feel so happy about it. I will start next monday. The project sounds really interesting. And what made it even better - on my way out I met the professor I got a no from last week (he works in the same building) and you cannot believe what he said - he has changed his mind and he got some funding so that I could come and do my PhD at his place after all. I was in complete shock for a second. However, I think the project I said yes to today is even better than what he could offer. But it is so good to know that he was interested in me after all. ;D

Now the hard part. The bad news. When I came home, I picked a little. My head was so overfilled with impressions and emotions of the day, it was my way of coming 'down to earth' again. However, I should not find excuses for it. I should not have done it. I am so sorry. I feel that I betrayed your trust, Ameise and Seabreeze. Please do not give up on me. I will have my next day 1 tomorrow, and I will do better this time. At least I will try as hard as I can. Please, please, do not leave my side. I need you.

hoppe