hoppe's journal

[ameise]

hello hoppe, seabreeze, others,

hoppe - the good news outweighs the bad news -- you have been trying so hard & got to the point where your skin looked un-familiarly good -- that in itself is good news. And the PhD position is FABULOUS news. It is, for me at least, so stressful/ tiring to try to figure out what to do in one's life. You're getting this position is 1) something to be very proud of, 2) likely to be helpful with CSP as you'll be out of the house more, 3) so good in its timing -- seems to demonstrate how things can happen when you need them, and that when we are really trying, things start to happen/ shift...
I especially like it that you got the other offer, too -- it is so nice to be affirmed.

As far as timing/ things shifting... there is part of me that believes in some sort of connectness in the world/ universe, connectedness of the outside world to our own inner thought and spirit worlds. I feel like when I really start working on things (CSP, going to therapy), things start to happen in the external world, too. For example, since I started therapy, and started talking about some of the difficulties of my childhood (mostly alcoholic parents, and a perfectionist mother), it seems that in a way these areas have become "active" again, and I've had some opportunites to at least express my feelings to my dad. (not with my mom -- she died 3 years ago, but we had already made peace.)

so, what I am getting to- although you might not be ready yet to deal with your relationship with your mom, it doesn't surprise me that when you are working so hard on your life, on ending CSP, finding a PhD program, that she would also turn up. again, although now might not be the time, perhaps it indicates that at some point she does want to try to develop a relationship beyond garden/ Italy/allergy talk. Reminding you, though you may not want to be reminded, that after you take care of yourself, there will be other issues, with other people, to go into -- but maybe that can ultimately produce good things.

I'd say the same about your dream about your old friend... I really liked that dream, the switch of faces & of roles and your decision to tell her about CSP and this board. I would think it would mean there is potential with her with her or with other new friends to be close and maybe to share -- that is a hopeful message for me, because as I've said before, one of the hardest or perhaps the very hardest thing about this has been feeling isolated with it.

For me, not picking has still been going relatively well -- this morning I had a really ready-to-go, small, contained whitehead on my chin, I considered popping it, thinking "that's not really CSP, who would leave such a thing;" I considered doing nothing, walking a way from the mirror; but then what I decided on was washing it & rubbing it / drying it with the towel -- I figured if it was so ready to pop that towel-rubbing did it, then that would be okay -- and it was, the white-head came off with the towel rubbing & that was the end of my attention to it. I felt good about it -- at least there was someting I could do, but it kind of wasn't like me doing it, I wasn't looking as I did it, I wasn't leaned in toward the mirror.

On the emotional front, I have ntoiced that one of the ways I use CSP is to keep sort of a constant narrative/ drama & also to put things off to an imaginary better future... thoughts like "when this thing is healed, all will be well, and I'll be able to be the person I want... etc." But when my skin is healed, about as good as it gets, it is kind of like facing the void... if it is healed, and yet I don't necessarily feel happy and inspired to do creative projects (writing, painting) -- then I have to face the idea that life does not always feel engaging. I was feeling this way yesterday -- listless. Sitting in S's backyard, longing for places I have lived where it was possible to go for nature-walks close to my house. Remembering how those places and walks always used to make me feel healthy, more love for the world -- feeling confused because I do love S, yet those previous places that I have loved living are on the other side of the country & he owns this house here. Realizing I may have to be patient for some things I would like to have in my life. Then I went inside & S said things that made me smile a few times. It was nice, it didn't feel like ultimate fulfillment, but made me think this is good enough.

So, I think what I'm saying is that for me, part of what giving up CSP is about is facing a certain amount of mundane-ness and trying to grow a life that is fulfilling in that -- not living in some other world in my head that goes through constant ups & downs based on what my skin looks like.

that's all for now,

hoppe- you have in no way let me down -- I can tell you are doing really well. applying your strength to this and getting better.

ameise

[hoppe]

Ameise - thank you!!

You are right. Despite my slip up, I am doing well. For the first time in my life I believe that I can become pick-free. It is possible. It might take a number of new 'day ones', but I will get there.

I understand what you are talking about when you say - 'when this thing is healed, all will be well, and I'll be able to be the person I want....' . I have felt that way so many times. And the constant 'ups and downs' . You get so used to them.

I also agree, having a disorder like CSP or bulimia helps to fill the void inside. After my opinion, these disorders function like alcohol or drugs for substance abusers - they put an invisible blanket between you and the world, things do not matter so much anymore, it does not affect you as much what is going on in the world, in your life or inside of yourself. And they also create a false meaning for your life, loosing weight or 'taking care' of your skin seems to become the essence of life, the thing you were put here to do.

Some years ago I went to a self-help group for bulimics, and there was this woman, around 40, which had been throwing up most of her life and I remember her saying one day - "I do not know why I came here, since I do not want to stop throwing up. Without it my life would become empty". And she left and did not come back.

I know it is hard to realize the void inside; in my case it revolves a lot around the feeling that life seems to be so utterly meaningless. We are a chemical coincidence, and that's it. I do not believe in God, and therefore I cannot tell myself that even if I do not see the meaning, he does. There is none, except maybe passing on your genes. I truly believe in the theory of 'the selfish gene' which basically states that genes are the driving forces behind evolution, in other words, biological organisms were only developed because they represent a smart way of copying and passing on genes. That makes me a gene-passing-on-machine and not much more. However, I still think that although there is no determined meaning for life itself, I think you can create one for your personal life. And I mean another than picking your skin to pieces or vomiting your guts out.

I can imagine that emerging on the other side of a picking obcession can be a somewhat frustrating experience. As long as you have CSP, the thought of having healed, nice skin seems to be the most wonderful thing in life. However, when you are recovered and finally have obtained this healed skin, it will probably not be the constant joy you had pictured it as. However, I think the moment your mind is truly liberated from obcessive thoughts about your skin, you will also be able to enjoy life in a way that was not possible before, because there is no longer this blanket between you and your feelings. And you will have the energy to be able to create a new meaning for your life. Being it children, or a career in arts, or whatever. Something that makes it easier for you to deal with the mundaneness of some aspects of every day life. It may take some time, but I believe you (and I) will get there.

You are in my thoughts, ameise, all the time. Keep going strong. I cannot wait to celebrate your (and eventually my) day 21 with you.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi again

10:15 am at my place.

I feel quite positive on this new ' Day 1'. I think it is different from my previous 'day 1's because I am not really on day 1 in regard to how bad my skin looks or in regard to my state of mind. This time I know, I can beat this.

This morning I have spent some time reading on the site www.selfinjuriousskinpicking.com which was recommended in another thread. It did not reveal anything new to me, but I would still recommend it, because it leaves you with this feeling of how important it is that you are nice to your skin. Picking is just one side of the problem, the other being that you constantly try to 'fix' your skin. In my case this has resulted in the use of some very harsh products/acne treatments, which I regret deeply. As I once read on a German acne message board -"Die Haut ist einfach kein Stück Holz, das man abbeizen kann". It is not easy to translate to English, but it basically means that the skin isn't like a piece of wood that you can pickle (pickling meaning putting something chemical aggressive on the wood to remove old paint).

By the way, I am very thankful to the guy who wrote the above sentence. It was in a longer essay about BDD and acne and it made me realize a few things. Sometime before I had stumbled on a site that seemed to describe the psychological aspects of my suffering, and after what I read I believed that I had BDD. I had all the symptoms including hiding at home, spending hours doing make-up and constantly peeking into my pocket mirror to see how my skin was looking. However, when I read K.Phillips book 'The broken mirror', I noticed how she constantly puts an emphasis on the fact that BDD only is due to an imaginary (or very very small) defect in appearance. She also describes how many of her patients seem to have perfect flawless skin, although they report to have ugly bumps, therefore their skin problems must be imaginary. That confused me, because it means that if there truly is something wrong with my skin, if the 'bumps' really are there (which I have proof of in form of comments from others), then I cannot have BDD.

The guy who wrote the mentioned essay put words to what I was feeling when I read 'The broken mirror'. He wrote that somebody who suffers from acne (in any severity) also can have BDD. The symptoms of BDD are an overreaction to something of your looks that bothers you - e.g. an overreaction would be staying home from work because you have a tiny pimple on your nose. However, if a person with servere cystic acne stays home, it seems to be justified and therefore not BDD? Or if this persons thinks about taking hers/his life because of the skin problem, that would be okay? No. This person has the same (or worse) emotional problems and they are not justified by the fact that the person has cystic acne. This person can still have BDD. However, this is in no way accepted by the BDD-guru K. Phillips or otherwise in the medical/psychiatric community. Occasionally, I use the internet access to scientific journals I have at the university to download articles about acne and BDD and it irritates me when they publish a study about the prevalence of BDD in dermatologist patients and they write things like: "The original sample included 718 subjects [patients]. However, 541 subjects with moderate or severe acne were excluded from the study ...... ".
These people can have BDD too!

I also think Phillips does not get the whole picture. When I went to therapy, I would cancel my appointment on days with large pimples/wounds and only go on days where I looked acceptable. Hence, my therapist would tell me that she did not see my skin problem (and therefore she so no need to discuss the subject further). I think Phillip's patients are not different. Also, you can do so much with make-up today, it is unbelievable. So I think some of her 'flawless patients' did have pimples.

By now I do no longer think that I have BDD, at least not in its classical definition. The problem of a BDD-sufferer must according to the current defintion be more or less not noticeable to others. However, on days where I have skin without large pimples/wounds (i.e. my problem is not noticeable), I do not have any BDD symptoms like hiding at home. On these days I can feel quite confident about the way I look. Only on days, where I have a giant wound/pimple, hence a totally visible problem, I exhibit all BDD symptoms of hiding/covering/hating myself. Therefore it cannot be BDD.

Well, over the last year there has been some progress in my way of thinking. First I thought I had acne, then I was wondering if it is BDD, and now I am sure it is none of these. I have acne and BDD symptoms on some days, however they are created by my true disorder - CSP. If I get that under control, I will still have the occasional PMS breakout, but I do not think anyone would classify it under acne. And without the wounds, my 'BDD' will disappear.

Just a few thoughts.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi all

5:40 pm at my place. No picking! And still feeling quite strong. The urge to pick has been there, but only a little. I want to beat this!!

I feel some anxiety because of next week - when I again have to get up and go to the university every day... . I hope, I can do it. The odds are definitely better than just a few months (or rather weeks) ago.

hoppe

[ameiseameise]

it is 10 pm here - after I write I will go to bed...

I am less strong today... I have to start with the basic physical description (even though the important stuff is the feelings that are attached)

So - I had a pimple on my cheek yesterday -- it had a little white head & was a little inflamed. I couldn't quite ignore it... I wasn't checking on it obsessively, but every time I was in the bathroom anyway, I looked at it failry close up. Then I started to push my tongue against the inside of my cheek, under it, so it was stretched out & the white head was closer to popping out.... but I resisted squeezing or picking it... finally, when I washed my face before bed, I did the tongue-thing again & then rubbed at it, pulled at it a little bit, and a little white round ball of sebum rolled out....
there was still a little inflamed white thing in there, but I did not try to pull or squeeze it out... (which I definately would have done in the past). I left it as an experiment-- will that thing get bigger & come out on its own or will it just get uninflamed & re-absorb?

So, after I did this, I didn't feel a sense of "oh no" I messed up... I guess because what I mostly did was stretch my skin around the pimple & then rub it, whereas in the past I've squeezed & dug & picked. I didn't get sucked into a pick session. This morning when I woke, it wasn't the first thing I thought of (there was no thought of,"oh no, what's that thing going to look like...").

However, I do think it looked worse today than before I touched it. I also ALMOST got absorbed in to trying to squeeze out a nearby pore-bump while I was close to the mirror like that-- so it reminded me of the slippery slope.

So, I think this incident was more or less in the realm of what a non-CSP person could do as grooming -- if I did something like this the rest of my life every other week it would be okay -- BUT, since it really wasn't helpful, it didn't make the pimple better, I do think I'd be better off not even touching them at all...

and there's one more thing... I squeezed a pimple on my chest.

Okay, so, hoppe -- in spite of all this, I am going to keep going with the 21 days & not start over.... how can this be?

well, as for the pimple on my chest -- my face has been my problem... I've occasionally picked other places, but it's not really been a problem, except perhaps in that it probalby maintains/ feeds the picking urge

But the reason I am going to keep going with the 21 days is that what I want these first 21 days to be about is: 21 days of not doing anything blatantly harmful to my face, not getting into a pick session where I feel a steam facial and healing creams are needed subsequently, not having that skin ups & downs drama...

And it is also a time to learn -- to do the experiments... how quickly will this go away if left alone? I am seeing that stretching/ rubbing yesterday as learning: even fairly non-invasive attention like that is not helpful... so now I think I am finally starting to believe that really doing NOTHING is the best method....

So, these are my 21 days of learning, of hoping to avoid a true pick-session (but that is not an excuse to keep touching -- I am going to really try to do nothing at all) -- and after these 21 days I will start 21 more...

hoppe -- I hope you don't feel like you have a cheater as a 21-day partner --- somehow this still feels like a continuous effort to me, continuous from day 1, and like I said, when it's over, start 21 more days that may be even closer to truly free of attention to my pores and pimples... (The last time I had to start my 21 days over it was very clear to me that I messed up -- and I assure you -- & me -- that if I do mess up substantially again, I will happily start at day 1 again)

hoppe - I am glad you're feeling strong with your new start. I am sure you willl be able to go into the university everyday & that it wll make it much easier ( to be busy). you're in my thoughts, too


good night --

ameise

[hoppe]

Dear dear ameise

Thank you for being so honest in your post. I do not consider you a cheater and I completely understand your rationale behind continuing the 21 days. I think, in principle, I could also have continued instead of starting over, since my main goal is the same as yours - not having a major picking session involving my face. I am not sure that complete ZT really is possible, at least not for my whole body. During the last couple of days I too picked at 1-2 spots on my chest/back, but I would completely classify it under normal grooming, since it did not take more than 5 seconds and there were no particular emotions attached to it. My face, however, is the place, where I cannot stop, where I go from one pore to the next, where I get obcessive, where I have to check in every five seconds, and where I do the most damage. It is also my face, to which the emotional part of my CSP is connected. I do not get 'high' on picking at my chest. And I certainly do not have these intense feelings of hate towards myself after picking at a pimple on my chest that I always have after picking at my face, no matter how small the spot was.

I know, the above can sound like excuses. Like a recovering alcoholic, who tries to justify the beer he gets for dinner. Well, when it comes to that I am not sure the analogy between alcoholism and picking is 100%. When I was recovering from my bulimia, I would still eat, right. There was a period where I did not touch 'dangerous' food (the kind, where you cannot stop, and hence probably will throw up), but after a while I could eat that again too, and it did not make me throw up again.

Ameise, I hope you are getting a good nights sleep right now- maybe with a dream of something wonderful. I do not know how it is for you, but I remember every night what I dreamed, and a nice dream can sort of remain in my body and make me smile throughout the next day (unfortunately, the more frequent nightmares also usually stay with me during the day).

Do not give up. The goal of these first 21 days is to prevent a face picking 'session'. The goal of the next 21 days might be to finally go to complete ZT for your/mine whole body. But we will see about that.

I am starting on day two here, and I actually feel quite happy. I can meet my face in the mirror, and although it is not perfect, and maybe never will be, I think that my attitude towards it slowly is changing. Usually I would be so angry with my skin, for being inflamed or infected, for having wounds, for being this hideous thing that prevents me from living and being happy. I am starting to forgive it and myself. If I see a pimple, I no longer try to desperately figure out what caused it this time, was it me (e.g. through touching my face), was it something I ate, was it the sun, was it my shampoo...... . Let it be there. Even if I caused it through one of the above possibilities, it is not 'my fault' it is there. And therefore I do not need to fix it either.

You can hear, things are slowly getting better for me. And Ameise, my dear friend, I truly believe, that the support from this board and especially from you are the reason for it.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi all

6:30 pm at my place. Day 2 is slowly coming to an end.

I have been fighting today. At one point, I found myself obcessively inspecting my skin in the mirror, and I thought that I had lost the battle. However, I told myself, feel free to pick, as much as you want, but first, go to the other mirror [the one without the 'special' lightning], and if you still see the 'problems' there, you can pick them.

I went to the other mirror, and I did not see them. And I did not pick.

However, I still feel tempted. Especially by an enlarged pore between my eyebrows. It is not inflamed or elevated, it is just a large pore. A hole. I had a facial done many years ago and I still remember the lady in the white coat "you have to empty those pores, otherwise they will stay enlarged.... ".

BTW - this lady....I think, she was my CSP trigger. You know, I had just stopped taking the pill and my skin was readjusting to the new hormonal situation, so it broke out a little, but I am sure that it would have disappeared completely, if I had not touched it. However, I got a gift certificate for a facial by someone, and I was stupid enough to go there. This lady squeezed at my skin for something like an hour, constantly showing me what she 'got out' on her glove. And she was telling me, how important it was for me to continue, where she left off. Which I did. If this was America, I would sue her for ruining my life.... LOL.

Just kidding. Where I come from we sometimes make jokes how Americans like to sue other people for their own mistakes (hope nobody feels offended here). Is it true an older lady sued a microwave oven company, because they had not labelled the oven with a warning saying "Do not dry wet cats in this oven"? Which she had done, and the cat was kind of dead afterwards..... .

Back to the serious part. Today, my new PhD supervisor invited me to a small overnight scientific conference, and I felt obliged to say yes. However, I need to sleep on a boat and share room with some people, I do not know - well I am kind of freaking a little here. .... . What if I cannot get any privacy to do my make-up/hair?

hoppe

[hoppe]

9:50 pm

I am feeling kind of sad right now. And restless and anxious. Tomorrow is the boat trip, and I do not know how to get through it.... .

Somebody wrote in another thread that she thinks CSP is a chronic problem with symptom free periods. So what does that mean - I am going through this hell, and in 6 month or so I will be back where I started? NO and NO and NO.

You know the self-help group for bulimics, I mentioned in another post. The first few times, there was a woman present, I think she was kind of a therapist and supposed to help the group to start up. She said things like "you have to be aware that even if you stop throwing up, you will still have an eating disorder for the rest of your life, just like an alcoholic always is an alcoholic". Gosh, I hated her in that moments. I was so sure, she could not be right. And she was not.

I want to beat this. Beat it FOR EVER. And I have to believe that I can do it, otherwise it will not work out.

hoppe

[ameiseameise]

I am writing during my lunch break -- I don't have as much time as I would like, so this post will have to be somewhat short.

hoppe- I can tell you understand what I mean about my goal for these 21 days-- and my hopes for future 21 days. I thought your example about avoiding specific foods for a while after bullimia was a good one... I do think that for now, the best goal is to do as little to & focus as little on my skin as possible -- while that healthier, more accepting, gentler attitude grows.

It was nice to read that you are starting to not worry about what causes each pimple -- I do that, too (sugar? that new makeup? touching? pre-menstrual?) as if I can eventually *figure my skin out* and control it/ never have a pimple again.... but to hear you say that you are getting away from that makes me see that is the way to go... the goal of no more pimples is pretty ridiculous, since I know what I really want to get away from is obsession with my skin, not pimples (my skin is really not that bad).

So, I am glad to hear you are doing so well!!

Don't be afraid about the overnight. Just think, what would be the worst case scenario if you couldn't spend time on your makeup & hair... no one else would be able to do their hair or make-up either.... and if you feel your skin is not great, the worst conclusion anyone could draw is: she does not have perfectly clear skin at this time. I think people really are generally pretty accepting of others, don't judge on little things like our skin -- at least the people that matter, the people that we would want for friends and collegues.

I know that's easier said than practiced -- after all, on my recent trip to visit old friends in Colorado, I visited the BR mirror and dotted on a little make up several times....

When will you be going on this trip?

ameise

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

Thank you for your post. It is good to know that we understand each other and share a common goal!!

You are right - if I cannot do the make-up, nobody else will be able to do it either. Thanks for bringing that to my attention..... .

In regard to your question - I am going tomorrow morning and coming back friday evening. I know only one single person who is coming along, all the others I have never met before, and that worries me too. I would say, I have some social phobia...... .

hoppe

[ameiseameise]

I'm glad to say today was pick-free.

hoppe, good luck on the boat trip... I am sure you will be fine & probably it will be fun.

I am sleepy, but I still have to walk my dog -- so I will go now, but I justed wanted to touch base, affirm my support before you leave....

ameise

[hoppe]

Thank you ameise!

It is 7:40 am here. I am getting ready for the trip. ANXIETY is the word.... .

Well, otherwise I am doing fine. No picking ! I have something painful in my hairline, not visible to others, but I can feel it is there. My fingers want to go there, but I try to keep them from it. With every pimple I do not touch, I have taken a huge step on my way to recovery.

BTW - ameise, I lost track - on which day are you ?
Today is my new 3.day.

Thank you for being there.

hoppe

[ameiseameise]

hoppe -
I believe you are on a boat right now -- hopefully your anxiety is eased & your are finding it is easier than expect.

I think when you read this it will be day 5 for you... correct? If so, I get your skin is feeling good, especially with the several day start from your last 21 days.

I am on day 17 here. No picking today. As soon as I reach day 21 (being optimistic that I will) I am going to start another 21 days.

I must go to bed now -- I got great sleep last night & it reminded me of how important that is.

however, in case you get back form your trip before I post again, I just wanted to assure you I am still with ou on this journey.

One last thing: something interesting & strengthening today: my therapist asked me if I am even happy wiht how my skin looks, is it ever good enough. I said that sometimes I think it looks healthy, glowing, with few or no pimples, but even then I wish I didn't have the scars I had. then she asked if I wanted to show her my scars -- so we leaned in close together & I pointed out to her on my face the scars that bother me most. It was not that frightening & it felt good to have done it -- as though now the "bad resluts" of this, the physical evidence is out there in the open, I've owned up to it....with her at least, it feels like a step.

good night

ameise

[seabreeze]

Hello Hoppe & Ameise,

This is the first chance I could get to a computer. I just moved into the new apartment after a LONG flight home! We don't have internet there yet but I am using the computer at school. I have a class in a couple minutes but I just wanted to say Hi and congratulations on your progress over the past few days! It is very encouraging to hear of your successes. I am managing very well considering that the stress level is quite high since so much is happening at the same time.

Amsterdam was awesome! loved it but the flight home was delayed 2 hours. This caused us to miss our 4 hour busride home, and on top of that, my luggage was lost! We finally got a bus ride but it was very late when we got home, plus jet lag! Hopefully I'll get the suitcase back! I didn't get a chance to read everything you posted yet, but Hoppe, Wow!- that research project news is incredible! Beware of anxiety caused by excitement, though-I always get major anxiety over good news, I think anxious feelings are my natural response to anything new, so be careful of that. Tell yourself "It's just excitement" Ameise- I read about your therapist session in the last post! It sounds like you have come a long way to be able to do that and it seems like your therapist really understands you, I'm glad to hear that!

Please don't worry about minor slips hoppe! It's really no big deal. Look at the big picture and how much you improve each day! It's not fair to yourself to worry about a little slip. Remember we have been doing this for years... Ameise, you said you would do 21 days and then repeat... I think that is a good idea and that is what I'm doing too... gotta get to class now, bye guys!

:DSeabreeze

[hoppe]

Hi ameise and seabreeze

7:30 pm at my place. I just came home from the boat trip (NB- it is the evening of my fourth day).

The boat trip ... it was not as bad as I had feared (things usually aren't, are they?). However, it was hard to have very little privacy and I had some anxiety attacks. All these people I did not know. But I have to admit, most of them were very nice and I feel that I connected with a lot of them, so it could have been much worse. One thing that I thought several times was that if I had not had so much progress regarding my picking lately, I could never have been able to go through with this, and even enjoy it at times! (and I also thought that I wanted to thank you for it, when I come home. Without the support here I would not be where I am!!). I even managed to do my make-up/hair although some of the other girls could see me in front of the mirror. I cannot remember when I last did my make-up/hair in front of another person, except occasionally my boyfriend - maybe never? I used more time than the others, yes, but I still felt that it was not a big issue. I mean, I did not feel that anybody judged me for it. Of course, I cannot know for sure, but it did feel okay.

I also had one great experience, which I want to share with you. There was this very interesting guy, the type you instantly notice in a crowd, and for some reason, he seemed to find me interesting too. Nothing happend (I have a boyfriend!) but we spent a lot of time together, including several hours on the upper deck late at night, where we were looking at the stars/the water and just talking about the universe/life/family etc. . We had a great connection and it was an awesome experience (he even asked me out when we left the boat today, but although I was tempted, I said no..... ). However, besides being great, the experience also reminded me how much I am missing out on because I constanly lock myself up at home picking at or crying over my skin..... . I should not do that. There are some great people out there, and they will accept me as I am, if I just let them!

And that sky - there were lots of stars, and then the moon that was reflecting in the dark endless water.... . It will take some time before I forget that image.

BTW - my skin does not look to good today, but I feel good right now so I hope, I can just leave it as it is and wake up on day number 5 tomorrow!

ameise, day 17. I am so glad for you. Keep going and we will get there!! It was also good to hear about the experience with your therapist. The first word that came to my mind was ' progress'. I think you are making great progress, and being able to actually point out your scars to your therapist - that is amazing. I hope I will get there too. BTW - I got an appointment for another assessment in 2½ weeks, and then, maybe, maybe I will get some therapy! (hope this therapist knows what CSP is).....

seabreeze, I am happy, you checked in with us again. I am so sorry to hear about the stress and the flight and the missing luggage- that is so annoying. I hope, they find your suitcase again!

You are both in my thoughts.

hoppe