hoppe's journal

[hoppe]

Hi again

I am a happy girl today!!

This morning, a friend of mine called and asked if we should meet in town for lunch. The usual voice inside my head told me - oh no, not today, my skin does not look as good as it could, the sun is shining to bright, I need to tell her that I cannot today, maybe next week, or the week after that.... . I call it the voice that keeps me from living. But this time I did not react to it. I told her, I would love to meet with her, and so I did. It was very nice, and I did not think about my face one second.

I am happy. This would not have been possible two weeks ago. Life can be good - if I just let it.

hoppe

[ameiseameise]

Hi - hoppe, I am glad the boat trip was not only not bad, but also reminded you of all the wonderful people, the possible experiences out there for us when we are not hiding, so focused on our fears...

Seabreeze, I'm glad you checked in, too.


So, today is day 19... I am feeling confident about being able to make it through the next couple of days.
And then to start anew.

however, I am expecting some pre-menstrual breaking out soon... hopefully I will find myself strengthened in my ability to resist.

I feel good & happy, too, hoppe -- It as been so good, like you said, to enjoy the times I am spending with friends without thinking about my face.

Thank you for your help!
Lets keep going...

ameise

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

It is 8:25 pm at my place. Tomorrow I will start working at the university again. It feels strange.... . I really hope that I will be happy with it. I have spent the day preparing (reading articles etc.), and it felt good. I became totally absorbed in the subject, and that kind of gave the rest of my mind some peace, i.e. the worrying/anxious/depressed part of my brain.

However, right now I feel slightly annoyed by my skin. It seems to break out more than usual... . I wonder if it is, because normally I would 'clean' my pores? I don't know. I feel that it is not fair. I am fighting so hard to become 'pick-free' and my skin counteracts me.... .

Well, I will keep on fighting. I still believe that it is worth it!

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi ameise, my dear 21-day partner!

If I calculated right, today is your day 21. Congratulations! I wish I could celebrate with you in some way, but since we are separated by an atlantic ocean, I hope a virtual smile will do it for now.

The last couple of days I have felt very happy most of the time. It is because I know now that I can beat the picking-demon!! It is possible! It will take some more time, but I truly believe that I can become completely picking-free. I also feel so liberated. I can sit in the subway without feeling anxiety, when people look at me. I have some small scars, and a few pimples, but that is nothing against the wounds I had before. I wish I could let everybody here taste a bit of the freedom and happieness I am feeling. So you would know what you are fighting for.

hoppe

[ameiseameise]

hoppe --

Thank you for the congratulations. It is day 21. I don't feel entirely celebratory, though.

I have met my 21 day goal of not getting engrossed at the mirror, no picking sessions, no damage.... actually, just now, as I typed that I realized that it really is an accomplishment . The reason I say I am not feeling enirely celebratory is two fold:

I am planning on starting a new 21 days tomorrow, a new day one, and this one I am going to try my hardest to really do ZT -- no touching at all... I am not sure if that will be feasible for my whole life, but it should certainly be possible for 21 days (hopefully).

however, knowing this ZT period was on the horizon, I saw the last two days as the last time I could get away with minor "slip ups" -- I squeezed a few (I think 5 total) clogged pores... I can look at it somewhat positively, I didn't get sucked in, I walked away after dealing with the pore or two I focused on. However,
it shows me I still have the need in me...

also, I am somewhat un-celebratory because I have been feeling sad about my scars -- maybe it's that without any wounds to focus on, I am still not ready to accept/ feel really good about my skin, so I've been worried about the scars...

Maybe it's also some pre-menstrual moodiness.

I don't want this post to sound discouraging....

There have definately been parts of this 3 weeks where I have felt my skin looked good.... it maybe that I spent some time with 2 realtivley new friends who sometimes make me feel uncomfortable: one is the one with what I think is noticable acne scarring. I often feel like she must be as conscious of her & my scars as I am. As I wrote before, sometimes I succeed in not focusing on her skin, and thus mine, but this last weekend I felt like I was noicing her scars the whole time we hung out -- and this focused on skin. I also spent time with a woman who 1) has been around me when I had scabs and who 2) looks at me/ people really closely... sometimes I feel like she can see "through me"... see my insecurities, my secrets about me skin...

I guess this all shows I still have work to do about self image.... because part of what I also felt was going on when I was with these 2 women was that I was comparing myself to them, judging myself against them, and thus judging them, and it set up a general not-great vibe. I don't know why it was that way, though, as my skin looked good on the spectrum of my skin (nothingn to be especially self-conscious about). and I have had good times/ felt connected with both of those women before...

Oh well, I guess it's not always easy.

I am looking forward to a fresh day one, and a challenge of a true ZT period.

hoppe -- thanks for reading. What day is it for you?

ameise

[seabreeze]

Hey guys, I am still so busy and don't have internet at home so I haven't been able to post much, but I am thinking about you guys often and wishing you well!

Ameise, I understand what you mean about not feeling too overly enthusiastic after the 21 days. I think it is because we envision everything to be perfect after 3 weeks that we get to 21 and we are like "now what?" I think we have to recognize that we have come very far to be able to do that and feel proud of ourselves. I think repeating 21 days is a good idea too. I think I will keep doing that until I forget about it!

Hoppe, I am so glad you went out with your friend when you normally wouldn't have! That is so amazing and I wonder if you had less anticipitory anxiety this time? It sounds like a lot is happening for you right now and I hope you can be strong through all those changes and exciting events!

:DSeabreeze

[ameiseameise]

Hi seabreeze & hoppe -

I am on day 2 of my second 21 days -- as I've written, I am trying this time to do absolutely no touching/ picking/ sqeezing. I do feel like I'm learning about my skin -- the experiment of leaving things alone -- and I really do want to see how everything will look, how I will feel after 21 days of nothing.

So far, so good.

hoppe -- you haven't been on in awhile... Oh yeah, you started your new job, huh?

when you have a chance, let us know how you are.

goodnight,

ameise

[hoppe as guest]

Hi ameise and seabreeze

I am sorry, I have not been here for the last two days. My new job at the university takes a lot of time, and when I come home in the evenings, I want to do nothing else but sleep.

Otherwise, I am doing fine. I am so busy, I even lost track on which day I am... ? I did not start a chart (did not feel that I could explain to my boyfriend what the chart on the mirror means).

ameise, great to hear about day 2 of ZT !! You managed 21 days, you can also do this!

talk to you later !

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi seabreeze and ameise

8.20 pm, at my place.
I only have a few seconds, because I have a friend visiting (you remember, I mentioned her a few posts back). She is going to stay for two days, so I might not be able to come here.

I just wanted to say that I have not forgotten you. You are in my thoughts all the time, and I am really hoping things are going well.

ameise, is it working for you, I mean ZT? Do not get down, if it does not. Just avoiding a 'major' picking session for so many days, is such a great success. In case ZT does not work, do not think - what the hell - and go after it all. Please..... !! But I guess that is pretty obvious advice...

I am really glad for this board, because its anonymity makes it possible to share something so shameful as picking with others - but sometimes I think it would be nice to be able to go and give the other one a big hug. ameise, seabreeze, feel this virtual hug from me : * hug *

Sorry, I have to run again.

hoppe

[ameiseameise]

Thank you for the virtual hug, I send virtual hugs and warm thoughts back to both of you.

I am on day 4 of the attempt at complete ZT -- so far, so good.

hoppe, I assure you I don't have a calendar on my wall, either -- I have used a "notes" page in the back of my daily planner -- perhaps you might want to try a surreptitious location, as well. I find it very satisfying & encouraging to color & look back on the squares.

I hope you both are well,

Ameise

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

It is 13.00 pm, saturday at my place.

I can tell you, a saturday feels so much sweeter after a week of work. It is really tough for me to get up every morning and go to work again. I think, it will get better with time, but this week I have been so exhausted when I came home. Very unfortunate, I also have a friend visiting, so I cannot really relaxe as I would like to, when I come home. But she is leaving today... .

I feel it has been some time, since I have talked about my picking progress. Maybe I have tried to avoid the subject..? I do not know. I have not had a bad picking session for some time now (12 days, I believe), but I am still not able to do complete ZT. The problem are those pimples, that do not get better after 2-3 days. I just get so fed up looking at them... . However, I still feel that I am getting better and better. Also the urge to pick at small things, like non-infected blackheads etc., is slowly disappearing. However, the 'big' ones, really cause me trouble. Well, I am trying to take good care of my skin and hope that the frequency of the big ones will get smaller with time. I also noticed how different it feels now to do a face mask or put on lotion - I am not desperately trying to repair the damage, I just caused, but I am instead taking care of my skin, in its literal meaning. It feels good.

ameise, four days of complete ZT... . That is so great! How does it feel? Are you very tempted? Do you feel good about it? Tell me more!

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

I hope, you are doing fine!

9:40 pm at my place. I am feeling a bit sad right now. I do not know why.... . Tomorrow is monday, but that is not why I am sad. I think, it is because my father called. It always completely drains me for energy. I find it so hard to talk to him. All I want to do is yell at him, how much I hate him for leaving me, how much he hurt me - but I cannot. There is still a part of me, the 'little girl' inside of me, that misses him so much. Who wants him back.... .
So many years have passed by, but I seem completely unable to move on.

I am crying. That is okay. Crying is better than picking...... . I better stay away from that mirror for the next hours.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi!

Monday, 7:40 pm. Not my day today. Should have stayed in bed. Nothing really worked as it was supposed to. Had serious trouble with my computer at work. When I came home, I was just about to post a message here, how I think computers do not like me, when my home computer crashed... . "That crossed the line from ironic coincidence to evil omen" as Calvin would say (from Calvin and Hobbes, my favourite cartoon).

Well. I also have PMS. It makes me tired and irritated. It also makes me break out. And for some reason it always enhances my sense of smell enormously. Almost everything smells to much, to intense, to strong. I wonder, if I am the only one? In the subway, I could smell everybody around me, parfume, sweat, leather jackets, cold smoke... I thought, I would not survive 10 stops.

I will go to bed early and hope tomorrow is a better day.

hoppe

PS - ameise, are you there? I could need some supportive words... . Hope, you are doing fine!

[Seabreeze]

Hoppe,

I understand how you feel when your dad calls you. I get that feeling a lot and it is especially hard when I'm trying to recover from anxiety and CSP. When I talk to my parents, I get frustrated and it throws off all the progress I've made. You mentioned PMS... this is bad for all of us and we know that more urges to pick come at this time so please try and ignore them and keep telling yourself that it will pass.

There is so much happening in your life right now. It is so exciting for me to just read about it! I know that it must be a million times harder for you to keep calm and relaxed... and most of all-pick free! However, if you were to read some posts from the beginning of your journal, you would see that you are a new person now! Please continue to believe in yourself and strive for new and rewarding activities. It sounds like you are managing/coping with stress so much better lately. Be proud of your accomplishments even if they seem little, because they add up... and you'll get through this rough time! I hope tomorrow is a pleasant day for you! Keep smiling!

:DSeabreeze

[ameiseameise]

Hello hoppe & Seabreeze-

I am sorry I did not write for a couple days... I guess it actually was only 2 days. I know because my last post was day 4, and now it is day 7. It does feel like a long time since I have written though -- I think that shows how connected & dependent (but in a good way) I have been to our shared writing.

hoppe, I am sorry to hear that you have had a difficult couple of days. I also completely understand about the stress of a dad-phone call. My dad and I have not gotten along very well since I was about 18. I, too, get exhausted when we do talk, and frequently end up crying -- part of me wants us to try to be closer, but part of me thinks it would just be easier for both of us to just go our separate ways. Interestingly, about 2 months ago I spent a Sunday writing him a fairly long letter in which I pretty much let out all of my "complaints" about/ problems with him. I have felt a lot better since then. His written response was kind, but not so detailed. I am not sure that we have even spoken in person since then, but we exchange weekly emails, and those seem to feel more natural since I went ahead and told him how I really felt about a lot of things.

I also want to say, hoppe, that I could not agree with Seabreeze more when she points out how far you have some since your early journal entries. I think I can really appreciate it because I have been in some very low places, too, with picking, and the difference – how much free-er I feel, and you seem, is truly night and day….

So, where I am with picking – right now I am feeling so grateful & I think I might truly be able to finally really put picking behind me. It is day 7 of the complete ZT – well, perhaps I should say, complete-face-ZT, because I did pop a little white head on my chest. But I haven’t worked on my face. I am premenstrual now, too, and I have about 4 smallish whitehead/ pimples. One was completely ready to pop and I did wash it a little extra with my washcloth while washing my face – and the whitehead did come off – so I guess it really was ready to go. I think that was a fairly normal/ healthy way to deal with it… I didn’t feel bad/ haven’t been checking on it, etc… In fact, I have felt SO LITTLE urge to even look at these other 3 pimples – I do look a little, lean in to the mirror to see if they are bigger, forming heads, etc.. and today at work while at the computer I found myself running my finger over one of them. But somehow I feel these are all within the realm of normal. The way many people might react to pimples. And the thing is, I actually feel like it is sort of boredom or lack f interest – not force of will – that makes me then lean back away from the mirror when I do look at them. I don’t want to gush too much about how good this feels. Lest I fall off the wagon tomorrow, but honestly it feels amazing. So much free-er.

I am sure I will have more difficult days, self-conscious days about scars. I know I am still working it out in my mind – for example, I dreamt last night I popped a pimple on my boyfriend’s skin… I thought of it when I awoke & felt a flood of relief that it wasn’t real.

I also am sure, hoppe, that my imperfect, not quite ZT 21 days helped me get to this feeling of “pimples/pores are not that interesting”… it really does feel like a fading pattern of thought.

But, again, I know I have had better periods before, so I must stay vigilant. But I have never had any thing like a support group before… I KNOW you have really helped me – having someone to report to everyday, has kept me paying attention to what I am doing, not sliding into easy, alone, isolating patterns. So, again, thank you… if it is true that I keep feeling this way, I won’t be able to thank you enough. I was feeling… maybe a little melodramatic, or poetic license the other day, and the thought crossed my mind “a woman in Sweden saved my life – the internet/ technology really have some powerful potential to do good.”<br>
Okay, yes, enough gushing.

Please keep writing, hoppe & Seabreeze.

goodnight.

ameise