hoppe's journal

[hoppe]

1:30 pm

The thing on my cheek had to go. And another clogged pore. But I am fine right now. I did 7 days of ZT. I can do it again.

A bit sad about my relationship. Cried a lot this morning. Started to look for apartments. It really made it clear to me what I am doing. I am moving out. After almost 6 years together. Is this the right thing?

hoppe

[hoppe]

7:20 pm

I feel so confused. Am I doing the right thing?

hoppe

[ameise as guest]

From all you have posted, it seems like it would really make you stronger to find out that you can live on your own, take care of yourself, etc.

I know you think that moving out after 6 years is very final,
but I know people who have had to go apart for a while for their own growth and then could come back to together… (my closest friend, who is now married to her person). If part of you/ part of your heart does not want to lose your boyfriend, let him know that, see if you can stay in each others lives, and with a little time it should (I think) become clear if you should be together over the long run. I know it is a lot of effort to move & uproot if it is not permanent, but it’s do-able (I’ve move probably 8 times in the last 10 years, too much.) If you don’t try it, you may always wonder how it wouldn’t been, if it could’ve helped you grow. I don’t want to say too much – give you the wrong advice. I know your boyfriend has often tried to be helpful and nurturing – like drivng you all the way to germany – and that is a very important quality. basically, I’m just trying to say, don’t be scared – listen to your heart & keep listening to it & it may tell you to come back &be with your boyfriend forever & if so, you’ll do that. On the practical side, there is always couples therapy to help resolve the things like established roles (I am the depressed picker, he is the helper…)
GOOD LUCK! It’s a lot. Also remember no one can take care of themselves all the time, so if you do move out, remember to turn to people when you need it.

ameise

[shihui]

hoppe, i'm really glad you are taking a big step forward. i trust you in this decision to move out. it will be hard, but there's this proverb i know in my mother tongue. when it's directly translated, it means: suffering for a short term is nothing compared to suffering for a long term.

you are very brave. it takes a lot of courage to venture out of sth that you have been so used to for 6 yrs. i can understand that part of you doesn't want to leave because you think it won't feel right to leave a relationship after so long. but in my opinion, i really think that the reason is actually because you are afraid you're making the wrong decision. i know it's hard for people like us to make such life-changing decisions. most of us are perfectionists and we're scared of making the wrong turn.

but hoppe, please trust in yourself. i know that it will be scary, but you have to do something about it and allow yourself to heal. i hope to hear good news from you soon. really wish that things will look up for you.

*hugs* stay strong, dear.

[hoppe]

Thank you ameise and shihui.

I am feeling better today. In peace. Deep down I can feel that I am doing the right thing. It will be horribly painful. I am sure I will regret it to some extend. But I have to try this. I am 26. I feel I have not grown emotionally in the last 10 years. I am still 16 and waiting for someone to save me from my inner misery. I will do that now. I will save myself.

I just had a minor argument with my boyfriend. He is angry with me. I cannot figure out if I think he has the right to or not .... . Ameise, you said something that kind of hits the nail on the head - I am the depressed picker, he is the helper. We are caught in these roles and that is a big part of why we are not happy together. However, by moving out I am breaking out of my role and he is angry about that. He feels like I have used him for a long time and the second I feel better I turn my back on him. He actually called me selfish. But I view it differently. I am not doing that much better. I am moving out to GET better. And if that is selfish, let it be selfish. I have only one life. It is time I learn to live it.

hoppe

[hoppe]

6:30 pm, saturday

I picked today.
I can feel my momentum is leaving me.
I need to get back on track. I was feeling so much better without picking. I felt like I finally could focus on my inside - what I want/feel/need. Right now focus is back to being on my skin.

What I really wanted to do is cry. The whole day I have felt tears burning in my eyes. But I did not allow myself to cry. Instead I picked. And it did certainly not make anything better .... .

hoppe

[hoppe]

Sunday, 11 am

A little picking after my last post .... . I feel very sad today. Not only because of the picking (and the resulting damage), but mostly because of my relationship .... . This guy is my best friend and I am about to lose him. But if I know for sure that we do not have a real future, I have to end it. And I am pretty sure about my feelings.

hoppe

[hoppe]

8:40 pm

Spent the day with a friend. It was really good to get out of the house. Summer is finally here. Sitting by the water, a friend at my side, ice cream in my hand, the sun warming my back ...... life seems liveable.

I came home and picked a single ready whitehead. No more today! I know for sure, no matter what happens, there is no way I can ever become happy if I do not stop picking.

Now that I am home, I feel very depressed again. Want to cry. Am I making the biggest mistake of my life? Or am I finally doing the right thing? I know I want to live by myself for a while. I see it as the only option to find inner peace. I need to learn to live with myself..... .

hoppe

[ameise as guest]

Hi Hoppe -

I am glad you had a nice afternoon by the water, and that you keep getting moments of peacefulness-with-yourself, to remember it's possible. I don't think we (or anyone) can expect to get to a peaceful-state that will last forever, but a greater sense of peace, more often... I do think we will get there...

and I'm glad you had a very DG day.

best wishes,

ameise

[hoppe]

Thank you, ameise.

It is monday, 8:30 am.
I am getting ready for work.
Have a cloud of depression hanging over my head. Tomorrow I am going to another conference. I hope it will not be too bad.

Did not pick anymore after my last post. But feel in danger today. Zoomed in on a spot a second ago .... one that I really want to get my hands on. I guess I will when I get home tonight. Which is so sad that I already know now what is going to happen tonight, but I feel I cannot prevent it.

Slept badly. Heavy dreaming. Felt so exhausted when I woke up.

The strange thing about it all is that I still feel like I am getting better. I feel that I am on my way to becoming the one I want to be. It feels like I am cleaning out and starting over. These feelings annoy me to a certain extent. My boyfriend is a great guy, not someone that needs to be 'cleaned out'.

hoppe

[hoppe]

6:15 pm, monday

Feel so confused.
Picked a little. Leaving tomorrow for a conference. Should not pick. Could not stop it. Wanted to get my mind of things.

I cannot figure out what I want. I want to stay with my boyfriend and I want to leave him. I want to live with him and I want to live alone. I want to be in a stable relationship and I want to explore new things/guys. What shall I do?

I have told a few people that I want to move out and everybody reacts strongly. They can't really believe it. I guess we always seemed happy ..... . I hope I will soon find a solution to this. I feel I have to move out just because I have thought about it for such a long time. I HAVE to try it. That is how it feels. Or I will always regret it. Whenever there will be the smallest problem I will think - why did I not move out? Moving out does not mean my relationship is over. We might stay together. But it will give me the possibility to view things from another angle.

If anybody has any advice to offer, I would be grateful.

hoppe

[jules]

Hi Hoppe,

I sympathize with your struggle over your decision to leave. I'd like to help you and offer advice, but I am afraid I don't know whether anything I have to say will be helpful to you.

First, I believe that you should think more about what you want. How will you feel on your own? Try to imagine coming home from work and being by yourself. Will you feel better and be able to deal with picking and depression better?

You might feel that leaving means starting over and being a new you. And that a new you doesn't pick or feel depressed. But leaving your boyfriend is not necessarily the answer in that it might not change you at all, but will just put you in a diferent situation. Think about whether it will really change you for the better.

Lastly, I want to say that I have felt exactly like you before. I have struggled with many problems (picking, depression) while having a long term boyfriend. Over a period of some years I have felt like leaving him will help me. I have felt that I will start over and be a new independent person able to deal with things. I have left him once, but we got back together, and later I still had thoughts about leaving and starting over. But that period had passed and I "ended up" with him. I figured that for me it was just an attempt to change myself, but a misguided one. I feel that I had made a right decision by not leaving and feel very happy to be with that person. His love helps me and I try to find other platforms to change myself and start over (for example, I started working out recently). I just realized that for me it would have been a wrong decision to leave.

Hoppe, I hope I didn't offend you by my story. I am not trying to push my opinion on you (it is just my story). I really wish that you make a decision that is right for you and that will make you happy. No matter what you decide, I wish you all the happiness and that you finally come to peace with your decision.

Jules

[hoppe]

Thanks Jules. I appreciate any advice I can get.

I came back from the conference today. My skin looks terrible. I do not know if it is the emotional stress I am going through, but I am breaking out like crazy. Picked very little while I was away, so I have not caused it myself. Have to say though that my skin does not bother me very much right now. I have other things on my mind. I am at the office .... cannot get myself to go home and face reality. I talked with my boyfriend on the phone earlier today, and it is pretty much decided now that I will move out..... . I think I have too. I feel it is right. And I am scared like hell.... I am sitting at my desk and crying. Thank God it is saturday, so there is nobody around here to see me.

hoppe

[jules]

Hi Hoppe,

Your skin could be reacting to the stress in your life. Hopefully you will start feeling better soon. At least you might be less tormented, now that you've made a definite decision.

Please hang in there...

Jules

[hoppe]

Monday, 9:20 pm

Picking and picking.

I need to have a break from this. Didn't I manage 7 ZT days just 2 weeks ago? Seems like the most impossible thing in the world right now.

I will try again.
Day one starts now.
10 minutes pick-free.

hoppe