hoppe's journal

[hoppe]

Wedensday, 9:20 am

Not feeling well.

I think I have not mentioned my images for a long time. They have been quite bad. Yesterday I felt so sick of them I wanted to scream. I have one where my right cheek is cut out of my face by a large knife. The image comes back again and again and I am so sick of it. I want it to stop. I do not know what is wrong with my brain. I do not know what part of my brain fabricates these images and what they are good for. I know they are anxiety related, but they make me more anxious, so what is the point?


I weighed myself this morning and I got quite frightened when I realized that my weight keeps going down. I thought the eating had gone back to normal. It felt like that. I try to tell myself, it is the heat, that is all, I probably eat less because it is so warm. But I do not feel convinced by that argument.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Thursday, 6 pm

Spend the evening yesterday with a friend. Made me feel better. I would definitely benefit from getting more out of the house ... but it is always so hard for me. Just going to work costs me so much energy.

Feeling okay today. Just went running!! Made me happy.

Picked one spot this morning. Hope it does not get more.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Friday, 8 pm

Did not pick more yesterday.
But a lot today ... I pretty much picked my face to pieces.

Next week I will make another attempt to get a doctor to prescribe me an antidepressant.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Saturday, 11:50 pm

I think my face has never looked so bad before.

hoppe

[ameise as guest]

Hi hoppe -

I am sorry that you are feeling that the state of your skin is a mess.

I'm sending you strength to get out of the cycle again...

I've been doing okay - not great, but pretty good... unfortunately I'm having some beyond-my-control breakouts that are making me a little self conscious about my skin, anyway. Well, I'm heading to the mountains tomorrow to enjoy freshair and birdwaching.

I hope you can have a nice day tomorrow, too.

Best Wishes!

ameise

[hoppe]

9 am, Monday

Ameise, I hope you have a nice time in the mountains.

I am not doing to well. Face is not improving. Mood is very unstable.

Tried again this morning to make an appointment with a GP to get a prescription for an antidepressant. Just making an appointment requires so much energy and involves so much frustration.... . I mentioned it a while ago, in this country I cannot choose my own doctor. My adress determines which doctor I have to go to. I called my assigned doctor some time ago to ask for a prescription and he refused to even give me an appointment to discuss the matter. Last week I managed to get the telephone number to another GP, a woman, which operates in my area but is not responsible for my street. I called her today and said that I need to change doctor because I prefer to have a woman. It is a lie, but it is easier than explaining that the other guy did not want to help me. I think, she would automatically position herself on his side - he is her colleague, while I am a stupid (foreign) patient. The lie is easy and nothing she can discuss much. At first she wanted to give me an appointment, but then she changed her mind - there are rules to be followed you know .... to be able to see her I need to get hold of the appropriate application, fill in why I want to change doctor and when the application has been approved, I can call back and make an appointment with her. Even if I manage all that I am still not one step closer to holding a prescription in my hands.

I am tired.

hoppe

[anonymousartist]

Hoppe,

First, I did get some rest, and thank you for what you wrote in my journal. It was very beautiful. And you're right about that guy. I'm sorry you don't have family nearby. My family is near but not very supportive of me emotionally, and I guess even though I wanted to change it it is something I cannot change. I can only try to be a better example to them and the best person I can be despite them.

That sucks about the doctor's appointment. Can you make an appointment to see some kind of specialist? Or maybe use a friend's address? Don't feel bad about being frustrated. It's not your fault. It's beyond your control and everyone would be frustrated (there are probably plenty of people who are). Maybe if you have no other options it might be worth a try to find a naturalist and maybe try a different method, like St. John's Wort, or exercise and nutrition (the last two we should all try for). I think for myself I am going to increase inositol in my diet again because it seemed to help last time I did (it supposedly helps with anxiety and panic).

I hope you can get what you need. Try to be good to yourself regardless, every little bit will help.

[hoppe]

Thank you Becca. I am trying really hard. Exercising every day and eating healthy. I have been a vegetarian for years and I watch everything I put in my mouth. Not in a terrible obsessed way, I let myself eat 'bad' stuff occasionally (icecream especially), but I take it quite seriously. I started out hoping that the right way of eating could fix my skin. That never really happened. But I could not imagine another way now. I would not be able to eat certain things even if you would pay me for it ... such as meat or McDonalds kind of junk food ... just the thought of having it in my stomach ... eeeewwww.

I cannot really use a friends adress to get a doctors appointment. You know, Scandinavia might sound like a nice place, but Big Brother is watching you all the time. Everything is connected to my personal number. They put it in the computer and they know who I am, where I live, what I do, and so on. I would have to steal someone elses number .... not something I would ever consider. Specialists (like a psychiatrist) I also tried. Waiting lists are so long. And they work after the same system as for the GPs. I had a psychiatrist last year, where I would have been able to get a prescription instantly, but when I moved to another adress, I lost her. In principle, according to the law, I still have the right to see her. A psychologist you lose instantly, but a psychiatrist is a specialist (with a specialist fee too ...), and in principle, there is free choice of specialists in this country. But it does not work that way. I called the psychiatric unit recently, where she works and they would not even let me speak to her. It was like ... "no, according to your number you live at another adress now, meaning you do not belong here, go to your own unit". Which I tried by the way. 'My' unit has a 2 months waiting list for a psychiatrist.


Feeling quite sad this morning. About my skin. About the break-outs ... and the scarring. Even if I ever get through this, I will be left with the scars... . But I guess the emotional scars are worse than the physical.

Need to go to work. Look so crappy. But have to. My supervisor wants to talk to me about some things (nothing bad, just checking up on how things are going)... . Hope I get out of the door.

hoppe

[hoppe]

I went to work. Just to talk to my supervisor, then I went home again. He seems very satisfied with my work. He did not comment on my absence. I have hardly been able to leave the house recently. But since I can do most work from home, it does not seem to bother him. It bothers me though. I wish I could leave this prison behind for good.

I came home and just collapsed. Cried for some hours. I am not doing well. I feel so tired and nauseous. So hopeless. I do not want to continue this fight. I just want peace. I want peace inside.

I really need some help. I just do not know where to get it.

hoppe

[anonymousartist]

I'm sorry it is so bad there, hoppe. I had no idea about the number situation.

You will get through this. Remind yourself. Maybe just go out shopping or something (even if you don't buy anything, go look at things). It will be better to get out of the house, and remember, no one will pay so much attention to your skin. It will be ok.

You have support

[hoppe]

Thank you, Becca.

I wish I could just do as you say. But it feels almost impossible to leave the house at the moment. I do not want to meet people. Not only because of my skin. I just want to be in peace from the world outside.

My skin gets worse and worse. And I pick a lot at it, as a consequence.

I feel so exhausted. So terribly tired. And sad.
I am afraid of myself. My suicidal thoughts are very strong these days.

hoppe

[anonymousartist]

I understand. I have been suicidal myself. I am not saying you have to go meet any people, but surely there is someplace you can go where no one is around? Do you have a back yard or porch even where you can go outside? I think it might make you feel better just to get out of the environment you're in. Sometimes I like to go out where no one will know me, like the park for a walk or something. I've been indoors too much lately too.

Don't blame yourself for your skin. You know that this happens to many others. You know that it'll heal. You do not have to be perfect. You don't have to stop all at once, nor do you have to do anything else all at once.

[ameise as guest]

Hi hoppe-

I am not sure if I can say anything helpful, or to make you feel better.

But I am pulling for you, and I hope you are able to get help from a doctor soon.

It is hard to be sensitive, but it also goes with a lot of good qualities... insight and intelligence and compassion.

remember that you are a very special person... I know it can be hard sometimes, and I wish that wasn't the case...

best,

ameise

[ameise as guest]

When I said it is hard to be sensitive - I meant "it is hard to be a sensitive person, like you are" -- Not that it is hard for me to be sensitive to your feelings & struggles...

that is not hard, I can understand feeling terrible & exhausted from trying... but you will come out on the other side, and I hope you will find a way -- maybe medication -- to find a way out quickly.

A

[ameise as guest]

Hi hoppe -

I just wanted to leave you a little note to let you know I'm thinking of you. I hope you're doing well.

take care,

Ameise