needing a ZT partner

[reflection]

hi,
i havnt heard anything from anyone in a while... havnt been on my self.. summer was better. but now i have messed up- tonight- everything had gone well but then i messed it all up-shit im so stupid- im gonna paint my nails ugly red and everytime i pick i will think of how red my face will be after wards- hope everyone else is doing better than this-
hugs reflection who'de rather not have one tonigh

[Lorelei]

Hi. I'm pretty new to this message board. I am really looking for a community for ZT practice. Its very important to me. I've been going to various 12-step meetings to find people who are succeeding in overcoming compulsive behaviors - whatever kind, and I've been seeing a therapist for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and doing a bunch of other stuff, and I had a stretch of 97 days pick free (and everyones been telling me how beautiful my skin is) but I slipped up two days ago, so now I'm back to Day 1. I am determined to overcome this habit and I've been doing pretty well with it, but the one thing I know I need is a community of people who really know EXACTLY what I'm struggling with. Plenty of folks in the AA and OA meetings I've attended are sympathetic and supportive when I share my particular version of struggle with compulsive behavior, but I've been using the difference as an excuse to isolate myself from the real support and connection, and that's down the hole that's led to my relapse. It is such an amazing relief to find this board and people who understand what this is all about from their own experience.

[reflection]

Hey Lorelei,
Ide like to do the ZT with u- i have just started getting counseling and she suggested cognitive behaviour therapy. How did that work for u? Picking is a problem for me although it is not always that bad looking- i mean it is bad looking, but i can cover it and i have seen much, much worse- However it is not only the outside that counts- whats bothering me is how my personality changes when i cant keep my goal of stopping- and ofcourse the ugly marks whihc have to be covered everytime i go out- this i have tried to stop doing. Anyway i'de like to do this zt-From now on i stop- if u did ninty somethign days once then i can manage and so can u again- hop all goes well
reflection

[alone star]

hi, i just saw this website and am really happy to find that its not just a few people in this world that like to pick to get rid of their frustration. i have had problems for a long time with self harm. have managed to stay off sutting my arms for a few months now with the help of day hospital and regular therapy, but i cannot stop picking at my face!!! i get so angry with my self, i will pick at anything i have on my body that is wounded or not right. i used to have beautiful skin throughout my teens then recently, due to stress i broke out in adult acne. i feel it would have healed by now if it hadnt had been for me picking at it nearly every five seconds. i cannot seem to stop and i get so upset when i look at myself in the mirror, i feel ugly and really false and unatural when i have to put layers of foundation on to hide my pimples and scars. i have light, olive skin too and i cant seem to find any makeup that matches my skin tone so i go around looking either too pale or too orange. i have not had a boyfriend for 2 years now and have had history of abuse from my mothers boyfriend and my father left me at a very young age so i have this wanting and need to be liked and appreciated but i feel so lonely. i live with my mother and brother but they do not talk to me, my mother is always away visiting her new boyfriend in germany and my brother doesnt like to admit to me having had any problems therefore teases me whenever he can calling me a psycho and a loner. he likes to remind me that i have no friends and nobody likes me in the family. i am extremely sensitive so this hurts me. i am also a sensible person, i know he does not really mean this but i cant help it when it effects me. i never go out the house unless to hospital. i suffer panic attacks if i am surrounded by too many people. but i wanna be a normal 20 year old girl and have friends and be happy. i have no friends they have all left me because they are now engaged or with someone so have not contacted me for so long. i am sick of being walked all over because they only ring for money or advice and never ask how i am, knowing i have problems. all of this is too much and i am feeling so lonely and vulnerable right now. the last person i had a relationship with, used me just for the physical thing and was quite a lot older than me, so i feel like i have no one to trust...........................................AND THIS IS WHY I PICK! i pick so much its painful but i cant deal with it anyother way. i cant talk to anyone about it face to face because i am not goo with expressing my true feelings and am too worried about what people will think of me. if there is anyone out there who would be willing to chat and be a friend, i would really appreciate it. this is sort of a cry for help and i really could do with some support right now. if anyone knows how to stop picking and try other tactics it would be greatly appreciated if you could pass them on. and if anyone knows what can heal facial scars or help to heal them a little faster let me know too, it would be great to get some tips. i am sorry to be writing an essay, never done anything like this before, just wanted to say that i understand what all you guys are going through, and i wish more people would and therefore would not judge and descriminate!! if anyone needs to talk also i am here for you and have no problems helping the best i can with listening to you and giving the best support i can, after all, its not like i have a lot to do outside is it, hehe! so please write back if you are interested in talking about this stuff. would be nice to have someone to talk to for a change!!! take care to all!

[hoppe]

Hi alone star

Welcome to the board!

I read your story and I could recognize myself in a lot of it. Especially the feeling of not being liked by anybody in your family - that is really painful. I have a brother like yours, who always enjoyed to tell me how weird/psycho I am and that nobody ever will be able to really like me, and that people are bound to turn away from me as soon as they discover how strange I am. I think he did not really mean all of this, but like you, I am very sensitive, and it hurt very much. My parents are not much better. My mother left when I was a few years old and my father did not really understand how to raise a girl, so he constantly made me feel that I was wrong and weird. When I was sixteen, he moved to another country to be with his girlfriend there, and he told me that I could not come along because his girlfriend did not want to live with me - it was the ultimate rejection and he broke my heart back then.

Today, I know in my mind that both my brother and my father are wrong, I am okay the way I am, especially since I have found people who care very much about me, and who tell me again and again that I am fine the way I am. However, although I am aware of this intellectually, I still have a lot of emotional pain and often feel very insecure about myself and the way I react towards other people, because I am so afraid of being rejected again. I think that the emotional pain my family caused me is the main reason for my picking.

Sorry for the long post, what I really wanted to say is that I understand your pain and your need to find someone to listen. Please, continue to write, and I will listen.

hoppe

[star]

hello hoppe! changed my name to just star, hope you dont mind, just thought it sounded nicer, hehe! i just wanted to say thanks so much for what you said. had a bad day today and when i read you reply it really cheered me up, thankyou! i still cant stop picking, do you have any ways in which you can relax and help calm yourself down when you are in desperate situations of loneliness. have tried stuff but cannot help but feel better when i pick, but then feel tremendous personal letdown when ive looked in the mirror and seen how much ive made my face worse and it wont stop bleeding. i used to be kinda pretty! did modelling in my late teens when my face wasnt covered in spots and i was just cutting my arms. it wasnt noticed coz i just did face modelling. i used to have such confidence at one point and now i cant seem to get out the house or look anyone in the eye. really wanna get past this and be confident once again. i think part of this picking my face is comforting coz in a way i dont get the amount of unwanted attention i used to get from guys who just wanted a physical thing which i am no way ready for. do you think a guy would just go for a girl who just wanted hugs and kisses? i dont know if its possible but i hope its true coz i would really love to have a boyfriend, i know it sounds stupid but i would like to have some kind of comfort that i know i dont get. here i am writing an essay again! im sorry! but yes....THANKYOU for replying to me and i do really sympathize with what you say, think we got a lot of stuff in common as far of feeling abandoned goes. im so happy you know that its your father and brother who are in the wrong, they are and if you ask me they have missed out on a truely open and honest daughter and sister, if you were mine i wouldnt give you up! i think its weaknesses in your families part if you dont mind me saying. it sounds like they cannot except what has happened and dont like to see anything out of the norm ( WHAT THE HELL IS THE NORM??) if you ask me everybody has their ways of dealing with things, and i have gradually found out that picking, although not good, is a pretty popular way of people releasing their stresses, and the more people are aware of that the better! i dont think you are any different from anyone else. from what you write you seem like a very intelligent and mature person who has had it tough but is still willing to look forward and search for comfort in other people and strengthen herself to be able to deal with and accept this family rejection. i guess you cant change your family but you can change how you view your family and more importantly how you view yourself. i am just starting to learn this and although its really difficult at times it is kind of making me feel stronger and more worthy. if i can go on without my family putting me down i can do anything if i want to! excuse any spelling mistakes or errors as i am writing very spontaneously at the mo! ususally find i say everything better and more realistic when i do this kinda writing, learnt it from a writing therapy group in hospital, does actually work! but i would love to hear more from you and how you are doing. thankyou again for welcoming me and i hope you are ok today and feeling strong! xxxxx lots of love to you and positive thoughts ofcourse!!!! trake care, speak to you soon hopefully!........................star xxxx ( have picked this name because it is what my real name actually means so thought it was appropriate!

[hoppe]

Hi star!

I am sorry to hear that you had a bad day today. I can say the same about mine.... .

I think you are right, a lot of people use picking as a way to cope with stress and it does not mean that anything is wrong with them. But personally, I would wish I could find another way to deal with stress. Sometimes I think cutting my arms would be better than doing this to my face. Then I could just wear long sleeves but otherwise live a normal life... . I wonder, if you first started picking after you stopped cutting your arms? I think a few other people on the board expressed that if they cut they do not pick and vice versa. I know, cutting is no good either, but I have been sitting with a knife in my hands a few times, thinking I should try it and see if I could do this instead of picking... . Before I picked, I was bulimic, quite severely actually, so it seems to me that I 'need' some kind of selfdestructive behaviour.

Well, about what you said regarding finding a boyfriend that will be satisfied with only hugs and kissing. I think they exist, but I have to be honest, I think most of them want more. When I was younger I could not stand at all being touched in any way and I was a virgin until I was 20 (I am 25 now). When I was 18 I was madly in love with a guy, but he broke up with me after a while because I would not sleep with him. I have been thinking a lot about it, because I know deep down that I did the right thing but I cannot help wonder if we would still be together if I had slept with him ... . Please do not misunderstand me here, if I can give you any advice, never do something that makes you uncomfortable just because a guy wants it from you ! You know, I was thinking, since you spent so much time at home in front of the computer- maybe some form of online dating would be an idea? I mean in that way you could get to know a person from the inside first and you could express your needs and find a sweet guy that will accept that? And also otherwise I think, finding some 'online friends' can help with the loneliness. I mean, an online-friend will never be able to replace a real friend, but it still helps to find others who think in a similar way. I wish I would have had access to the internet when I was a teenager, I think it would have helped me a lot. In the long run it would of course be best for you if you could leave the house more and could make some real friends, but if that is not possible for you now, try to make the best out of the situation as it is.
By the way you mentioned that you got therapy because of your cutting, are you still going there? Is it group therapy or single? I was just wondering if it is a place where you could bring up your picking? I think picking is a way of selfharming so I was thinking that maybe the hospital where they treat your cutting might be able to understand what it is about and help you to learn some ways to cope with stress that do not involve either cutting or picking or any other selfdestructive behaviour. I have tried to stop picking for years, but I have recently realized that I will not be able to stop completely before I learn some other way to deal with stress and emotional pain. Therefore I am trying to get some therapy, but unfortunately I have been unsuccessful with it so far. But that is another long and sad story.

I have to go to bed now (11:20 pm where I am) but I will send you a smile and some positive thoughts.

hoppe