needing a ZT partner

[reflection]

Hi,
Im sorry i havent been replying for soo long- i have had sooo much stress and just picked more and more and didnt feel anything helped-
but i have to stop- i know that- and yesterday i decided i would but then i picked a bit- which led to a bit more, and a bit more after that again.. its soo frustrating.
But ill try again,
its nice seeing all the posts.
good luck on
reflection

[Margaret]

Reflection, when you're stressed come here and write a short post, it does help!! From now on I'm not allowing you not to post, instead of one picking-session, you can post a message here, no time lost! Hang in there, it will get better!!

Lots of love to all of you!!!

[shutter]

Hey Girl1818,
My computer had been messed up and I just got back online. This is the first place I went to, I've been picking like crazy. I know it's a bad bad thing but the computer keeps me sidetracked and I have not had it for a week. Sounds like you have been doing good, I've very proud of you keep up the good work so you don't have to start all over. Just wanted to say hey!!

[Margaret]

Shutter, finally! We've missed you!
Don't worry about what's happened, it's all in the past, it doesn't matter, what matters is now, and YOU can choose what you want to do! Look at it as a fresh start!
Just keep posting on your process, we're all here for you!

My picking is better, although now the scabs are gone, it's so many red marks all over my face, and they are hard to cover up cause they are so smooth!I'm trying to not get frustrated, because I know I'll pick more then.

I think we all have to lower our expectations to ourselves, a few setbacks are part of the recovery, and it's gonna take a while, so don't bet yourself up for everytime you fall back into the "good" old habits, it's bound to happen! What is important is to always start fresh after a setback, and not stay in the dump and continue picking. Come on the board for support if you can't get out of it, we're all here for each other!

Take care guys, good that nearly everyone is back

[reflection]

Hey,
it feels better posting- havnt picked at all today. ;D
short post
reflection

[girl1818]

Shutter...i'm so glad to see that you're back ;D Don't worry about the picking...it will heal and now you have your support system back!
Reflection...I hope that you're still having a pick free day it's good to see you posting again.
Margaret...You are such a wise person, and i admire your optimism so much...you are definitely realistic about our problems, and your encouragement helps so much.

I've been on the board a lot in the past few days, but haven't really posted because i didn't really have much to say. I put self tanner on my arms, and it erased all of the white scars pretty much...BUT the dark brown ones are still there, and i think that they got darker They resemble sun spots though, so it could be worse...I picked a little today and was so frustrated with myself. And you know what, this is the weird thing...i picked right after my mom told me that my arms are looking really good. Seriously, she told me they looked so good...and 5 minutes later, i was inspecting them and found a bunch of nonpimples to pop (notice i said NONpimples) Therefore, i think that when they start to look better, i am very likely to pick at them since i think that one little picking session can't hurt. OR maybe i am holding myself back from letting them heal because it gives me something to be upset about? It's such a part of me, maybe i am scared of who i will be without it?...who knows, the brain is such a complicated and messy, messy thing.

Anywho...i'll talk to you chicas later...have a wonderful night

[Margaret]

Girl1818, I know exactly what you mean, it's like something is holding us back from recovery. Everytime my face clears up..I pick. It's scary to think what I'm gonna do without having to cover up all the damage I've done! It's so weird!

Anyway, had a really CRAP night last night, I had my exam and it was so stupid, like she didn't ask anything we could apply our knowledge to, and that made me angry, because I knew soo much and I had studied hard for it, and it was all a waste of time! So annoying! And then on top of that, I forgot my phone in the exam-room, and when I returned, it was gone! I feel so lost without my phone, it's the worst feeling!!
But instead of letting it all get me down, I just went to bed, relaxed and watched telly and I must say I feel much better today. Everything can be fixed, no point worrying about it!

I hope everyone is doing good!!

[shutter1]

Thanks, for the support!! Well, I just got out of the shower and the mirror was steamed up so therefore I did not pick! As I told girl1818 I'm a wedding photographer. So, every Sat. I see all these brides and bridesmaids getting ready with thier smooth skin. As many people I have encountered I have never seen anyone even in the mall or somewhere that has this problem. I don't pick anywhere else but my face and I would know if someone else did even if they were a stranger passing by. I had the acne lazer treatments and my face was better at first but the bacteria has to come through the skin it's not to bad I just make it worse. It takes about 2 months before my acne is suppose to be completly healed. It sounds to good to be true. I guess I will see the first of Aug. I hope everyone is well!!

[Margaret]

My face is finally clearing up, and I don't need to apply that much makeup, my scars are still fresh and red, but they will fade. Feel so much better when I'm not trashing my face, I still pick on a pimple or two, but I think it's unrealistic to stop that for me, but i only allow myself one try, if it comes out, great, but I won't go back to it. I just put benzoyl peroxide on it and leave it. All normal people pop pimples, the difference is that they stop after popping them and they don't go searching for them. I don't examine my face, but if I can feel a pimple, I have to get rid of it, sorry, but I can't leave it!I want to be able to be like other people and pop a pimple once in a while, completely staying away from it, makes me feel like more of a freak..if that makes sense?
I know that I can do it in moderation, maybe not right now, but when I'm ready to say bye to the skin picking.

This might sound weird, but I am kinda grateful to the skin picking and eating disorder for helping me through times when I couldn't cope. They are coping mechanisms and they wouldn't be here if I didn't need them. But slowly I'm buiding up my strength to be able to live without them, the eating disorder is nearly gone, and the skin picking is slowly following. I want to be strong within myself to not need mechanisms to survive, I want to have the confidence and strength myself! And I'm slowly getting there!

Sorry if the post doesn't make sense, just have a lot of thoughts in my head!

I hope you're all doing ok, and remember, we're all in this together, we WILL beat this!!! ;D

[egiggy]

Good job Margaret,
You seem to be on the right path. I am also trying to find other ways to fix this picking problem. This board helps. Having a
night-light in my bathroom helps also. But during those hard times, I need to find something else more meaningful to get me to stop.

I picked up the book, "The Highly Sensitive Person" and it seems to describe how people like me get overwhelmed by all the crazy stuff that goes on duing the day, and we need to retreat and hide from the stress. I use picking as a crutch to keep me away from those stresses. But its a Catch 22, because It makes my stresses worse!

Playingwithfire, you are totally right... how if you can go just one night without picking, you feel so kickass the next day.

I guess that, even though I JUST broke my 12 day streak, I will feel much better tomorrow if I dont touch my face tonight.

Let me know how that laser treatment goes, Shutter. That will be one of my rewards if i can go a month with out picking!

[reflection]

I really admire your positiveness egiggy. 12 days is amazing! Congratualations!!!
Has the book helped? i just ordered one which i hope will help.
At the moment im so down and nothing works. I just wanna not care about anything. I dont care- i give up, i stopped running, started overeating and just hate it all- for me either something is perfect or everything is wrong. I know this is not the right way of looking at things but its just i give up- i already gave up a long time ago- tonight i sit here n type- previous night i made goals and was determined not to pick and not to overeat- but then there is a part of me that gives in- im just soo weak and cant resist any temptations for anything- today i have picked sooo much and secretly eaten all day- i even ate chocolate secretly in the bathroom at the movies-- although i know that if my physical activity and diet is not balanced, my skin picking will get worse-
i leave for vacation soon and i am sooo sooo scared that i will overeat and come back with a red scared face. Its my last year at high school and i have wasted one whole year because of face picking and overeating- i cause so many family problems and have become so self centered (guess the lenght of this post kinda shows that) aiiii
it "all falls down"
I hear all these questions- Do u ever feel like giving up? Do u then give up?- 'dont- u cant afford to- Dont u care that u destory urself? U r destorying a beautiful face. u hide ur face? its like u wear a mask. Does it not motivate u to stop when u see how this affect you emotionally and physically. Does it not make u wanna stop when u see your parents and sister hurt, when they cry and fight wiht you everynight because of the picking? Does it not motivate u that u wanna have a good last year? Do u wanna hurt ur mom, she waits for u outside the bathroom, she doesnt close her eyes untill the lights in the hall are off. You are bringing us and ur self down... dont u care? Then y dont u try? U have to put some effort into this. You have to work against your temptations. call on us when u feel like picking. Go box, go for a run, paint ur nails, turn of the light. Dont pick-
I hear this all the time- every single night and day i discuss my problem wiht my parents- its driving me soooo crazy- its not only them that bring it up- i do too. But they see my face and they get hurt too- and i am so egoistic that NOTHING stops me from picking- i see my family fighting more and more and still that does not stop me- i see my mom scared and dissapointed- It does not stop me- i see how happy my dad is when im infront of the tv and not in the bathroom- i see how dissapointed he is when he comes home from work and everything is caos- STILL that does NOT stop me. My sister gets less and less attention- i take it away from her- all i take about is my weight and my skin problem- still that does not stop me. I see how ugly i get and i really care about appearances... but still it doesnt stop me. I see how it makes me late for everything,how people have to wait for me, cos i get stuck infront of the mirror-... doesnt stop me- I see how i get depressed, how i overeat and overeat, how i lie about everything, how my clothes dont fit, and even if they did i wouldnt wear half of them cos of the marks, i see how my lat year at home before university is about to be caos and ruin everything- i see how pessimistic i have become and how down i get myself and others. Why does this still not stop me? WHY HAVE i GIVEn UP? y dont i just crab a hold of it? i know that its all in my head. I could decide myself right here and right now that i will stop pickign, that i will exercise and not overeat and i would manage- But i have set my self those goals toooooo many times- and they always break- they always do. Goals are good when one actaully stick to them- but is tere a point to them if all you do is set them, forget them, set them, forget them??? i used to be soo motivated, so positive, so strong- now i give in- i hate myself for it) im so weak-
Anyway this is a support group... i cant have been very supportive in this post
im sorry- i just had to get all that out somehow
good luck to you all though....abit of optimism: maybe posting the negative will make me realize how pathetic i really am and how giving up really is no solution, which i know it isnt- but still i am in an evil circle and i just cant get out- i was on top of the world a month ago, with food, exercise and no picking. Nowim so down.
Does it always have to be this way??

[Margaret]

first of all, this is a support group, where YOU can get support, and when you start feeling better you can offer support. So this is the place to come when you just need to vent, and we'll try to help as much as we can.

Alright, one thing you have to realise is that YOU'RE NOT WEAK!! It's not about being strong or weak! Obviously you are going through a hard time and the way it shows is by your picking, eating and depression. They're your coping mechanisms. I think you could really benefit going to a therapist and start working on whatever is causing this, because this is not about willpower. When I started going to therapy for my eating disorder, I was shocked to find out how many things were causing it, I had to work on each thing and it was really hard, but then I started accepting the past and started working on my weaker sides, like low selfesteem and self-worth. And now I'm still working on it everyday, but I'm doing really good.

It's possible to fight the feeling of being hopeless, there is light in the end of the tunnel, you just have to work hard to find it!
So, today book an appointment with your GP, and he can write a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist.
What do you think?


Anyway, back to me...
I've decided to give up this awful habit, I don't need it anymore. I'm letting my face heal, then I'm gonna go and get a 40% acid-thingy face peel done, and then I'll use this "even tone serum" to even out my marks and scars. After the peel, it's me starting fresh! And my mum agreed to pay half of the peel and the serum, lucky! I'm sick of handling life by destroying my face, I am in control and I can choose how I want to handle life! I'll have to try different things that can replace the feeling skin picking gives me, but everything is better than destroying myself, I'm sick of it! I know I'll have to pop pimples if they're white, i can't leave them alone, they're UGLY! But the trick is to leave them alone after popping them! I can do it!

Hope you're all doing well!!

[reflection]

Thank you margaret, you are right about it- i guess this picking makes me feel weak although that is not why i cannot do it- its like a poison- its as if it wants to trick you into picking- its like its pulling you down- but in reality its me against the picking and im NOT weak.
It really helped posting last night; i was up untill three at night writing and i realized NOW i stop- and this morning everything is perfect. I chose who and how i wanna b- an empty space is left where old habits used to be i read somewhere on this forum- im gonna change and i will be positive.
I dont want to go to a therapist though cos i dont wanna dig into problems which i dont even know exist- i went to my doctor to talk to him, and my dad also talked to him separatly... but he doesnt think i should go to therapist. He understands the problem but says it is very common especially for teenagers... and that i can and will get out of it myself and with family help. He even compared it to the obsession of always going bakc to check if you locked hte front door. For me this seems different but i guess for hte ones that are obsessed it can be just as bad. I go toNorway tomorro so dont have internet for 2 months- but im going to use this summer to change all the things that have gone wrong this year; last year i started overeating and picking more- this year i will change.

Over to Margaret- that sounds great that you are deciding and are changing your habits- and also that you are getting that face peel. New starts are good and starting fresh always motivates. its good hearnig that others involve their parents like your mom paying half. My mom too said that if i could make it a week i coudl go and get a little face massage every friday- WOW i thought to myself- this i should be able to do-
Hope the face peal is helpful and good luck onwards.
Thank you soo much for the support

[shutter]

Hello Everyone,
I posted the yesterday but I dont know where it went. (ha-ha). I was not logged in. Anyway, Eiggiy so far the treatment is a mess the bacteria has to come out of the skin. It has to get worse before better. My mother-in law is a recovering drug addict and since picking is like a drug mabey there is something in the 12 step program to help us recover from this awful addititon. Stress is my main cause of picking. I have 2 boys, they are wonderful kids it's just they get on my nerves and the messes they make over and over again can make me pick for hours and then when I'm through picking the mess is still there and I could have used that time to clean it up.

[egiggy]

Shutter,
A 12 step program for people like us is a great idea. I went to an AA meeting 2 weeks ago with my ex-boyfriend, and could totally relate to all the alcoholic’s problems. Just substitute pick for drink. My mom used to go to ALANON and gave me some of her old "Daily Affirmations" books. These were very helpful,..when I would go to bed, I would read one page (instead of sitting in front of a mirror and picking for hours).


I wish this would work every time, but at least it has given me a better perspective of how precious life is. Another similarity I found about AA, is that many of the members have a chemical disorder, manic depression, OCD, etc. I think we need to accept that we have some thing screwy going on with our nervous systems, and try to accept it. I have tried Paxil, and another SSRI, but those only helped temporarily. Now I am slowly digging to the root of my problems. Mine is a lack of community. I am slowly working on that.

Tonight, even though my face was covered with red blotches, bumps, and divots, I threw a housewarming party. 8 friend/acquaintances showed up from school and we had a great time.
I am determined not to make this disorder ruin my life, making me hide In a cave. I will fight it, by going continuing to go to class, to parties, to work. As long as I keep my priorities and check and make rest and play important as well.

Good luck with trying to cope with your kids’ messes. I can’t even imagine. I hope you can find some time to yourself, so you can deal with these issues when they arise. I’ve only had to deal with messes from my roommates or my puppy. Do you have someone nearby you can confide in?

Reflection, even though you wont see this for a while , I send you my prayers. I am glad you were able to get all that was in your mind out on the computer. Its amazing how writing things down helps you see thing more clearly. I think if you are strong enough to keep posting on this site, I believe you are strong enough to battle this.

Best wishes
Egiggy