Skin picking and depression

[fixme]

messed up this morning. Tried to skip the face wash/lotion routine and talked myself into "just putting on makeup" = disaster
still went to work and am about to go out, feel just fine

[fixme]

Today, made some progress, felt like some dots connected. Trying either not to use the word "I", or to replace it with "mind". Just an experiment to see if it changes anything. While reading the book, "I" kept getting headaches trying to comprehend that "I AM NOT MY MIND", then today the light turned on. The realization was that the word "I" has become synonymous with "mind." I and my mind are the same thing but they are not what makes aliveness, they are just another part of aliveness. So to constantly think and worry and stress about "Myself" and the things "I" need and want, is just a small part of the whole being alive thing. "I" implies a sort of "All inclusiveness," people think, "I exist, I am all there is." My understanding of the separateness the author talks about is more clear. If body is hungry or tired, say that. Not "I am hungry or tired." If mind is anxious, say that, not "I am anxious." Saying it helps distinguish which part of aliveness needs or wants something. Usually a "want" is false anyway.

Mind felt a large and painful zit on body's cheek this afternoon and tried unsuccessfully to remove the perceived imperfection. Tried several times and when mom said "stop that" mind snapped in anger and said "I can't help it it's bothering me."

Mind can't understand why mind wants so bad for the future when the zit is gone. Mind knows there will be more and worse ones if they get disturbed, but mind still tries so hard to get rid of it now. It's not about wanting something more it's about wanting less.

Mind will never understand why it does this, and mind will never stop trying to do it as long as mind is in control and not aliveness. Aliveness is pure and healthy and is not bothered with the perceptions of mind about "looking good" and other social ideas.

So when aliveness is able to come out, and mind becomes only a small part of what is, then the picking problem of body will be gone, because it is a mind made problem.

[fixme]

The crap I wrote yesterday is total crap. These mind games are making me insane, and I messed up my face in the mirror today because it was rainy and I had nowhere to go and I felt trapped in the house and had slept most of the day away, and then put on makeup to cover the red raised areas (on my cheeks mainly) that I had squeezed blackheads out of. We had a family friend over, and I immediately went for the re-washing and makeup routine, and knew I was doing it and that it wasn't helpful, and felt really lame for being trapped in the cycle STILL! STILL TRAPPED! its been 3 MONTHS! Something had got to give!!!! I'm getting better I know I am getting better!!!! HELP ME STOP IM SCREAMING INSIDE SOMEONE HELP ME GET OVER ALL THE SUFFERING I CAUSE FOR MYSELF IN MY MIND!!!!! I'm terrified of going back to school I may just snap and then it'll be all over.

[fixme]

screwed up yesterday and screwed up again today. Some part of me wants to look like this. My face is burning where I've squeezed it all over. What was going through my head when I did that? don't know. it feels pointless to even hope that this will ever end. It's so easy to forget and mess up, get lost. My plans to get up and start the day got interrupted because my car isn't ready to be picked up from the shop. I ate breakfast and spent the next half hour on the computer searching for something I can look forward to in the future. I have no desire to get up and do anything. I'm unmotivated and my heart is still broken.

[fixme]

picking and scratching aggressively at the right side of my face tonight. That's two episodes today. Put on makeup about 3 separate times. Well, it can only get better from here, right?

[fixme]

The up and down cycles will never be over. How do I find a more constructive way to deal with them? How do I keep them from showing up on my face?

New thing I haven't tried: Whenever possible, at the moment I catch myself picking, I will sit or lie down on the floor. Put my head down. Clasp my hands together or sit on them. No excuses. I cannot do this in the car, so I will wear my gloves when I'm alone in the car for the rest of August. I think that quickly changing my position will snap me into some kind of awareness. No excuses.

[fixme]

looking really good today. 3 or 4 small zits, but overall my skin has healed very fast and the consistency feels good. It's not smooth to touch yet, but my picking has been on a downslide since monday, so Im hopeful that it will continue to improve. Keeping my brain occupied with books has helped I think.

[fixme]

I scratched at the small dry scabs on my chin literally less than a minute after finishing that last post. It's not the act of picking that bothers me, it's the results.

How to I teach myself that the ACT, The exact MOMENT it occurs, is the problem?

The ACT of picking is my mind, screaming for attention, relief, fulfillment. Screaming that there is pain in me, PAY ATTENTION TO IT, stop using picking to IGNORE IT.

The moments are short, and when they get longer I am not myself, they take me over. FIND OUT WHAT PAIN IS IN THERE TRYING TO GET OUT.

[fixme]

did well today. haven't once followed through with the sit-on-the-floor routine. didn't have any particularly bothersome spots today. I scratched my jaw once in the car on the way home and said to myself "What!?!?" "What is the pain you're feeling right now? What are you unhappy about." I put my hands down, but I didn't find any sadness or problems, I concluded, "I just enjoy doing it."

what other things do I enjoy? I enjoy lying in bed. Eating good food. Sometimes being active. I enjoy talking to other people, or at them. I enjoy my job. I enjoy popping zits under my skin, apparently. I used to enjoy drinking, but have had a major reverse in feelings about that, because I always feel much more pain than pleasure either during or after a drink. The 'magical' euphoria is completely gone, and I don't recall doing anything to change myself, it just occurred over time.

So lets equate picking to drinking. Drinking (alcohol and soda) feels dirty to me, I much prefer water. Did I replace my taste for drinking heavy things with a new taste for water? I suppose I did, without even meaning to. I remember the constant reminders of the benefits of drinking a lot of water, and I know that at first it wasn't a habit. There were times when I had to say "you're not leaving the kitchen until you finish this glass of water." So it seems that for me, picking up a habit was much easier than dropping one, and one unintended result was the dropping of my unhealthy drinking.

So what would be a good stress reducer/time filler/pain catcher activity that I would actually benefit from learning? Maybe I should carry around some bubble wrap, and pop that instead? It's worth a try.

[fixme]

I was a total insomniac today so waking up wasn't pleasant. I scratched my left jawline and squeezed out a whitehead. Now it's work time.

[fixme]

today is harder than yesterday, I scratched at my legs instead of my face. (Did spend a minute in the bathroom and squeezed at the very apparent blackheads.) I stayed awake toooo long last night, ate crappy food, and drank a margarita, and now feel incredibly lethargic. SOOOO glad school hasn't started yet and I can take time between working to do and think about nothing. If only I could actually think about nothing.

[fixme]

I don't have to do ANYTHING today, so I slept all day. But it doesn't feel that good.

[fixme]

the pictures I have taken showing my skin over the last 3 months, and some photos from march, indicate to me that I have been consistently repulsive for the past year. How can I ever like myself? I just popped every visible bump on the insides of my knees where they often become quite apparent. My face is looking better this week, but my mind is still trapped and my heart is broken, and my problem is obviously not gone. Its going to be a long night.

[fixme]

I felt confident in my skin today. Overall I had no problems feeling confident with myself. I'm packing to move, and trying on clothes, and trying to envision some situation in the future where I might wear certain things. I have on a long red greek style dress. The kind women wear in over-the-top shampoo commercials. I looked in the mirror, got right up close, and saw every pore, bump, and imperfection on my face. I am waiting for them to be gone before I can feel pretty in this dress. That day will never come. I saw a picture of my arms and thought they looked flabby. I keep telling myself I need to start a workout routine for all the wrong reasons. I suffer from obsessions about my image. It isn't right. I shouldn't care. It won't change anything. ITS MY ATTITUDE THAT NEEDS CHANGING!!!!! I'm feeling guilty for drinking lemonade, imagining that the sugar is going to make my face break out.

I started touching it in the mirror while my mind was pleading "stop. please stop. please stop. sit down." I didn't sit down, but I didn't have a full on 'episode' either. I started looking for any raised place on my body to attack, but couldn't find anything wrong with my skin. It's all on my face. All the pain I feel is on my face. One bump for each pain, and there are too many to count.

[fixme]

Today I looked in the mirror and turned my face so that the light would reveal all of the little bumps on my cheeks. I chose the biggest one, right in the center of my left cheek, and squeezed out a tear drop shaped piece of white stuff. I examined it for a long time. Tried dissecting it with my fingernails to see what was in it. I want to understand what it is, because I still don't.
The bump was not noticeable to anyone at a glance, not even myself. So this wasn't about looking perfect, it was about being perfect. It's insane. My nose is and always will be covered in blackheads. My cheeks and chin as well. I can't fight any disease because it isn't real. I don't have one. I have the same face and skin as everyone else to some degree. I am trying to learn to live with my perfectionism. Actually I try sleeping away every empty hour so as not to accidentally go back to picking, which isn't healthy either and won't be able to last. I'm in limbo until I move, and I won't know how moving and the stress of school will affect me. I hope that I have absorbed enough new information about my situation to help me manage it. Live with myself.