Skin picking and depression

[fixme]

despite the occasional slip ups, this has been by far my best skin week yet. The pictures of my skin do not look disgusting, and though I have cried, mostly yesterday feeling really down, I'd say I look a little less depressed overall.

[fixme]

the 3rd step of stoppickinonme.com's 12-step pickers-anonymous program is about turning yourself over to a higher power as you understand it. Reading "the power of NOW" was all about a kind of simple spirituality that I can wrap my head around, it's the practicing that's the hard part. I have decided to try every day to ask myself "What is God?" and write down what I think god is at that particular moment.

tonight I wrote:
god is consciousness. god is aliveness. god is joy and happiness. god is also sadness. god is feeling real. god is existence. nonexistence is the thing that allows god to be? the empty space that allows everything to be, is what? why focus on it? the stillness that exists provides a place for things to be, and brings a knowing that everything is. The knowing and therefore the surrender to what is, through meditation on the silence, will bring peace to mind.

the moment after I wrote that, my hands went to my face. My ego is terrified of being wiped out by my surrender to a higher power, and I watched it as a separate entity. I watched my hands attack the dry places on my face, and pick at healing scabs, but something was different. I felt no anger at myself for what I was doing because I saw the compulsion to pick as a separate entity: it was my mind, or ego. And from that vantage point it becomes much easier to have patience with the thing. To have compassion almost for a sad little part of me that wants to exist. I felt foolish when I saw the spot of blood on my finger, but not angry.

[fixme]

doing good for the last few days. spent some time away from the computer. still experiencing end-of-the-month breakouts but doing my best not to fuss over them. Feel better that I'm making some progress. Moving tomorrow.

[fixme]

I was desperate to look good when I got back to school. maybe it was a little anxiety about moving tomorrow? around 2:30 I woke up from a nap and went to the mirror, and then felt the sting of having squeezed at my cheeks with my brain turned off. crap.

[fixme]

for 3 days I didn't wear any makeup at all. didn't even pack any. It felt like it had been a week or more since I last touched my face. I was looking in the mirror and smiling. Once again, I mistook my brief success for "I'm cured!" and I forgot that I might be tempted to do it again. Yesterday was my first day of "freedom" with no job, no parents, and no plans. I found myself desperate for a list of things, activities, crap to buy, to keep me busy and away from the quite scary reality of what's going on. I am very much alone. My boyfriend was a crutch that I depended on because it was comfortable and easy, and I found last night that standing on one's own two feet for the first time in years is rocky.

I decided to go meet the neighbors, who it so happens like to drink a lot. I am proud of myself for initiating that, because all of the judgement I had concocted about how not-cool they probably were, couldn't survive. I had a pretty good night talking and laughing outside on the porch and getting to know them a little.

Where I failed: I drank too much, and started having expectations of imaginary scenarios, basically in which I am the queen-bitch-of-all, and everyone loves me. The combination of drinking and fantasizing about things like that is a really powerful trigger for face picking for me. I strapped myself into an emotional roller coaster and took off down into the drama tunnel the minute I walked in my door.

I know exactly why I did it. It's because I'm still sick in the head and I often forget that and assume I am perfect. The episode that I had last night lasted about thirty minutes, and then another hour crying and talking to myself and wallowing in self pity with the "why me" sob story. I don't feel particularly guilty or bad about it today, because I have decided to be patient with myself. Even as I was crying, I deep down knew that I was allowing this tantrum to get out of my system so that I can move on, accept the consequences of what I did, and not do it again. I took the mirror out of the bathroom. I am really afraid to tell Denise about all of this, but I know that that would be a very healthy and beneficial thing to do.

[fixme]

I got a dog yesterday because I need someone to feed and clean up after. She's my soul mate. I haven't bought any makeup, and haven't given how I look a second of thought in 2 days, only glanced in the mirror once or twice when brushing my teeth. It feels quite liberating. My dog's name is Kuna, short for Hakuna-matata, because she has no worries, even though she's sick (with heartworms). She needs someone to help her get better, and I need someone to help me stop worrying so much, so we are a good match. She follows me everywhere and sheds like a beast, so I am going to have to start cleaning more, which is a good habit to get into, and another healthy distraction from my obsessive obsessiness.

[fixme]

Doing good. My dog follows me everywhere, and when I look in the mirror I see her behind me with this inquisitive "what are you doing?" look on her face. Before I slip off into picking oblivion I ask myself the same, "what am I doing?" and I leave the room. So that's easily 3 or 4 days now that my problem hasn't appeared.

[fixme]

ah just got back from the beach. I put the mirror back up in the bathroom thinking that having the dog and a roommate would keep me from touching my face, but alas, I managed to quickly squeeze a few random spots around my chin this afternoon, and on my cheek just now, and Im feeling retarded about it. Just quit. geez. simple. just. quit. Not having makeup has been good. I borrowed some from denise to go to an interview yesterday for a job that I am starting to think will cause too much excess stress. Going to look for others tomorrow. My skin feels rough and inconsistent because of the episode I suffered the other night. I didn't tell Denise about this blog like I said I would. If it happens again I will tell her. Not being able to cover it up motivates me to be somewhat more conscientious.

[fixme]

So far so good today. No touching. No calling the ex-boyfriend. No crying. We ran into him last night at a bar, and it was quite unreal. He was alone, and looked very uncomfortable around my 2 friends and me, so I guess to spare him and myself of any further upset, we left while he went to get a drink. Just need more time before we can be comfortable as friends I guess? Everything I own is completely covered in dog hair, and my dog's unconditional love is ONLY directed toward me. I wonder what I've gotten myself into... am I really up for taking care of her? We'll find out I guess, no worries. Hakuna-matata. Getting the dog was also a gesture to the very-allergic ex, that I have no intention of working him back into my life. It was work. So much time and energy and effort playing strange games that I didn't understand. I want very badly to express to him that I still love him, but don't feel there will be an appropriate time for that for quite a while.
Anyway, my skin is oily and on the verge of breaking out something fierce, and I'll attribute it to the same episode and subsequent touches that I engaged in this past week. Borrowed makeup from Denise again last night to go to the bar, which is not something I intend to make a habit of because I know she doesn't like it. At the same time I am reeaaalllyy wanting to avoid getting any of my own because I know I'll abuse it. The last thing I want to do today is shop, but I suppose I would do well to be moved in completely and comfortably before school starts on Wednesday.

[fixme]

Did really well all day until just now. I have no idea what prompted this brief picking session other than the fact that the blackheads and bumps on my face seemed very visible tonight. I squeezed a small bump on either side of my neck literally one minute after my roommate and his friends walked out the door. I had no plans to do it, it was totally unconscious. It developed into a scratch here and a squeeze there, and I do remember twice thinking "stop" but being unable to. I am full of tacos and a beer and pretty tired, not particularly unhappy, but I guess I was thinking about the ex boyfriend. I feel guilty that my dog was watching my behavior, and the look on her face seemed to say "why are you doing that instead of loving me right now?"
Still no makeup. Still being patient and trying to remain as stress free as humanly possible.

[fixme]

had a good day today. Receptionist interview this morning went pretty well, I'll know on Thursday. School starts in the morning and I'm more than a little apprehensive, but also too exhausted to really care, don't know why, had a 2-3 hour nap today. I have been better about not talking about the future. No "I hopes" or "I'm going to's" just what I did, how I feel about it, and what I'm doing now. I think that's something of an improvement. This week overall went very well. Living here feels like another life. Someone else's life that I have been placed in by accident, way too good to be true. It's so unreal and so wonderful. No worries.

[fixme]

last night and the night before, and in two spots today, I squeezed at areas on my face. I am totally resigned to having bad skin forever. I had to re-open my facebook for school, and the last two times I've been on it I've gotten lost in the vortex. I hate it, it depresses me. A lot of people I know are getting married!?!?! and I'm a crazy dog lady at 22. Never met anyone who would marry me, or who even ever said they loved me. No one has ever said "I love you" to me except my family and my dog. Oh well. Most days I'm really pretty happy, I'm just lonely is all. IIIIIIIIIIII need to quit thinking about IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII it's pathetic.

[fixme]

4 days since my last post... almost 2 weeks with no makeup and no major catastrophe episodes... I do catch myself from time to time pinching at a spot here and there when I'm in front of a mirror. Had a bit of an "ah hah!" moment tonight... I totally have what the french call "little girls disease." I screw up my face as a rebuttal to keep guys the hell away from me. My roommate just tried to kiss me and I immediately got up and went to the bathroom and my hands went for my face. I stopped before it got out of hand. I think I feel guilty for saying "no" or something. It's all messed up. Guys are dicks. They call you a tightwad and a prude for not being attracted to them, and if you are, they'll use you and spit you out. I've had enough of boys for quite some time thank you very much. My dog is shivering in a kennel at the vet tonight and I don't feel like I can sleep for the guilt I feel for leaving her there. I'm a crazy dog lady and I don't care.

[fixme]

I got disheartened just now because my plans of going out drinking didn't pan out the minute I got home. There was no one around, and after a half hour of wandering around the house, I went for the mirror. It wasn't severe but it wasn't good either. I feel foolish again. Now my roommate is back and we're going out after all, and I feel just really dumb. suck it up. shower off and go try to have a good time and make some friends. I spent the day trying to have a conversation with my co-worker, sooooo unsuccessfully, so i feel a little down about that. oh well, new night.

[fixme]

I think I messed up today and yesterday but I don't remember. The bank teller asked me how my weekend went, and I honestly couldn't remember. I guess the highlight was when my dog crapped all over my roommate's personal belongings while I was at work on saturday, so I deep cleaned everything he owned. Friday I "tried" to make an effort to go out, but ended up picking then falling asleep around ten. Sunday was nice, I got up very late, went to Publix because I couldn't find anyone to go have lunch with me. Did a lot of running around for school ideas, and spent about 4 hours on a project, then came home, picked, and fell asleep. Wow, no wonder haven't bothered to keep track of time. I'm not complaining; having no problems is much much nicer than being obsessed with problems. All there is though is this stagnant loneliness underneath everything. I haven't yet figured out how to make any relationships "meaningful" if there is such a thing. The gym sounds kind of nice.