Skin picking and depression

[fixme]

better today than the days before. I went out and drank some with an old friend tonight and I feel really very good about not touching my skin. I did fuss a little here and there this afternoon during a few hours of "off" time, where I was wandering around the house with nothing to do. When getting ready to go out I noticed a lot of dry skin and tiny scabs that I scratched at. Overall though I am optimistic that my skin is on an incline of improvement, at least for a little while. I feel "pleasurable" today, according to my book. Full of feelings that will give me temporary happiness. I feel secure and excited at the same time about my unknown future, and I feel glad that I still have a few friends from the past that like me as a person and who I can talk to, or at, but at least they exist. I'm not ready to give up these pleasures, and so I guess I need to quit complaining when they don't last and I end up feeling sad later. I still have been enjoying my attempts to "be in the now" as I have been reading. Just trying to calmly observe what is going on at the present moment. Today it seems easy, because it's a good day. I'm afraid that subliminally I'm doing all of this spiritual reading to find a way to avoid the hurt of losing my relationship. At least it's keeping me going. I hope my friend I went out with tonight comes to see me at work tomorrow.

[fixme]

ah crap. I stood in front of my mom's mirror tonight with my elbows on the sink, squeezing out every blackhead I could find while my brain was turned totally off. It's incredible how fast it happens. Give myself an inch and I'm done for. I feel like it doesn't matter though. It's a goal I have and I need to honor the steps that it takes to reach that goal, and the one I've neglected to take is to find some means of keeping me out of that bathroom completely. I still am bad in the car too. Maybe I need to find some kind of gloves to wear when I'm driving. I know it sounds extreme, but I cannot break this habit without reeeealllly breaking it. Tomorrow when I go to the store I will buy some gloves and attach them to my steering wheel somehow. I will also tell my mom to keep her door closed, or help me find some other means of remembering to stay out.

[fixme]

What, at this moment is lacking? I'll tell you. It's someone next to me when I can't sleep and I'm slumping back into depression thinking about how I don't like myself. I don't even like the "self" that I have invented in my mind. You'd think that if a person went so far out of his/her way to develop a whole world of fictional identities, he/she would at least plan the thing a little better. Make it more enjoyable and less filled with these ridiculous ups and downs. It's the cycle: zone out, mess up, insomnia to "make up for" the mistake, depression about the failure of the make-up. I'm sure I'm not making any sense, it's late. I'm sober. My ego monster is alive and kicking tonight. It NEEDS something it WANTS everything it can't have. I'm perfectly fine. I'm exactly where I want to be right now. I'm comfortable. All of the discomfort and negative emotions are in my mind. It's that simple. I feel like I NEED to read more, but that sort of defeats the purpose of the book now, doesn't it? I never want to look at facebook again because it's another fake thing toppled onto my gigantic list of fake things that I allow into my life, like NEEDS and WANTS, when I'm just dandy. All I really want is some peace in my head, but the ego monster is very big. It's overwhelming me a little tonight because I was starting to feel anxiety about a fictional projected future I am trying to control. There is just NOW. And right now, I am fine. A little lonely, but fine.

[fixme]

I thought it had been another week since my last episode, but according to these posts it's been two days. I think it's been a week since I've allowed it to stress me out. Since I've made it "my problem." My problem is not being aware of myself and my surroundings, my problem is zoning out into a world where I want to look/be perfect in the near future. It doesn't exist. Get it through your head, please, geez, it's been nearly three months now! I slept a lot today on my day off, never really made an effort to wake up, don't really have any plans to, but I reached for my face both this morning and this afternoon after waking up, even without a mirror.
Lately, after successfully removing a piece of white matter from somewhere on my body, I hold onto it, carry it with me into the next room as if it is valuable. I don't know why. In the moment that I'm picking, I'm anticipating the future of when I remove the stuff, and then immediately afterward, I revel in the success of the immediate past.

HOW DO I GET IT THROUGH MY HEAD THAT THE PLEASURE I DERIVE FROM THIS ACTION IS NOT WORTH IT??

[fixme]

there is a really foul looking sore next to my right ear which started as a raised bump yesterday. After resisting about four really strong anxiety "tics" to pop it at work, (I even wore gloves on the car ride home), I finally gave in at my sisters house as soon as I went to the bathroom. The thing wouldn't pop. It was deep under the skin, and I got aggressive about it to the point of trying to break the skin with my fingernails until I scratched it into a big scab, still with no success of getting anything out. I guess the way I feel about it is just foolish. What is it going to take for me to LEARN? It looked pretty stupid with makeup on it today. Didn't cover up anything. Even tried wearing my hair different to hide it. What a freaking hassle. What a waste of energy.

Today was better than yesterday. I read a lot more of my book about 'NOW' and have been thinking about it, and relating some of the truths I see in it to past experiences, but still having not-too-much luck actually practicing being "in the now," as evidenced by my still-existing picking habit.

I want to try hard to replace the habit of picking with the habit of meditation. This is a challenge because the rewards are not so immediate, but it's another thing to try to help.

[fixme]

other than the 2 large open sores (one near each ear), I'm doing well.

[fixme]

doing good today. My face feels soft, but I don't like to touch it too much. Sores still there, reached for them once or twice, but I'm doing good.

[fixme]

doing okay today. popped out a few blackheads on my chin, and tried to start going for my cheeks, because there are a lot of noticeably raised bumps on them today. My skin is pretty uneven looking, but I don't care, I'm going for a skate and to lunch with my mom.

[fixme]

Doing good today : )

[fixme]

still doing good. scratched in the car after work once and threatened myself with the gloves I bought. scratched once or twice across my cheeks when I got home, they still feel bumpy and uneven, but I stopped.

[Laurel]

I'm going to start posting here. I started on this not picking journey a week and a half ago, and did well for a few days, and slumped back into picking so bad I have scabs on my chin and at my hairline. I also have a wedding reception this Friday, and I want my skin to be beautiful for it. It's funny, I can put myself on a strict diet and follow that to the point I just naturally start eating healthier, but I can't seem to stop picking my face! And I'm not a depressed person. I'm a perfectionist though, and I'm sure my picking stems from OCD. I've resorted to wearing a rubber band on my rist to pop myself and to keep a log of when I do and don't pick. This has got to stop.

[fixme]

Hi Laurel! Thanks for posting here! I have been tracking my habit here for a little over two months now, and exhausting just about every technique I can think of to stop picking. I'm happy to say that I'm doing much better. I am still 'addicted' to picking, even though I have managed to go a week or more without any kind of episode, (and have been better about simply not caring so much) I still feel the need to track my progress and learn more.

There are two books that I highly recommend. The first is online at www.stoppickingonme.com The web format is annoying and some of the reading can be tedious, but if you push through it, it's got some really good technical information about what's going on with your skin (and your brain) when you break out and then subsequently pick. The other is "The Power of NOW" by Eckhart Tolle. I bought it in the "spirituality" or "mysticism" section at Borders at the recommendation of a girl who has successfully quit picking. It took me two trips to suck it up and not feel really gay for buying the thing, because I'm not especially religious or whimsical, but I have found it to be a really good read and very relevant to what I'm going through, and my habit has dramatically lessened since I started studying it.

Anyway I wish you the best of luck, and feel free to post whatever whenever here because I have literally been hoarding this site as a personal diary for loooong enough.

-fixme

[fixme]

Today was so-so. I spent the whole day with my sister, being very lazy and just sort of drifting along. We ran a lot of errands and made dinner and didn't have too much to talk about. I had a very positive attitude about my skin today, felt like I looked pretty good, but I guess I kind of let the thinking about it -good or bad- get out of control. I found myself in her bathroom once or twice just examining my skin, and then removing a blackhead here and there, and then examining white tips I removed; there were many visible on my nose and chin. She was planning to take me home when some of her friends called and wanted to come over. I immediately felt anxiety about it, and went to the bathroom to put on makeup, but instead started frantically squeezing at my skin, definitely as stress relief. I had just been complaining about how I haven't had much chance to meet new people this summer, and when the opportunity arrived, I immediately tried to escape. Don't really feel great about it, but it's done now, and at least I recognize what I am feeling.

[fixme]

woke up really late this morning but don't feel especially guilty about it. Read more of my book and took notes, and skated down to subway in the HEAT of the day. I told my mom I feel heavy today, as if gravity is pushing harder. I squeezed some spots in her mirror this morning, and then dabbed on makeup. Compared to the start of this blog, I am doing really well, but still not 100% better. Still depending on the past and future for happiness most of the time.

[fixme]

doing pretty well, scratched across my face after i got out of the shower tonight because it felt itchy. The spot on my chin that I squeezed last night (and felt quite victorious about because seemingly all of the white matter came out) became kind of infected and a little irritating/painful today, with the beginnings of a scab, and all new white stuff underneath. So it's a lesson learned AGAIN AND AGAIN..."cleaning it out" very obviously has the reverse effect.

I talked to the "ex" tonight, but it still isn't real to me, I feel like I'm just talking to my friend and when I go back everything will be the same. it's out of my hands for now anyway.

I had some very negative "mini wars" going on in my head at work, I feel frustrated and ready to explode when the drawings I do don't immediately transform into something I'm "proud of." I need to apply the "NOW" lessons to my work, probably more-so than my relationship.
I ran down the parking garage to shake off all the negative energy as advised by my book, and it did work pretty well.