Skin picking and depression

[Lily]

Well, I made it through the day without picking anything to a bloody mess. I did squeeze one pimple but once it did not come out I stopped myself. Thank god! I still think about it constantly and cannot get my skin off my mind. I hate being like this. I try to tell myself It could be worse or there are people dying of cancer and it does not matter. Your right it is vanity and pride. I don't think people see me like I see myself. I point out places on my face to people and they cannot even see them. I can so I go to the bathroom and pick til I get it out. If I were to leave it Alone I would think about it all day and anxious to get my fingers on it. I have never thought of hypnosis So medications make things worse? My doctor made it sound like it would work. Well, I will give it some thought. I think it's great that your getting a facial. I don't k ow that I could ever do that. I don't like people touching my face. Anyhow, I will pray for you. I don't know if you believe in god. I do and I have tried to put all this in his hands but can't. I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow.

[fixme]

Today went so-so. I found myself scratching and feeling over and over some raised spots on my jaw, upper lip, and near my left eye. My true goal is to go a full week feeling good about the way I've treated myself and my skin, regardless of whether it ever looks perfect I know that it never will. I desperately want to be able to see past myself and find out what I'm missing in the world during all these wasted hours of worrying about my appearance.

I'm no doctor, but I am skeptical of them because there have been several times that I have left their offices with creams that painfully burned my face, medications that did no good, and skyrocketed bills for very short and impersonal visits. I think that my problem is equal parts medical and emotional, and I put the most faith in finding a cure through becoming informed, so my next move is to find several professional opinions on my specific case.

What do you enjoy doing? I like to skateboard and swim, and I liked painting more before it became my job. I also like to read short fiction. I'm just as skeptical of religion as I am of doctors because of past experiences, but I am trying to find some sort of spirituality that I can understand. Sometimes I replace the word "god" with "happiness" because that is something real to me, I can feel that.

[fixme]

I scratched at my jawline all the way home from work tonight, even though I am planning to go out with some friends and go to my skin appointment tomorrow. I wish i didn't do it. I wish the thought of doing it wouldn't even occur to me. I feel like I've fallen into a deep trap with no way out, just walking in circles in my hole.

[Lily]

Was your chin itching? What products do u use on your face ? My day went pretty good! I do have some pimples but i did not touch them it does help to have scabs on my face. It reminds me what these little spots can turn into. I hope u have a better day tomorrow.

[fixme]

thanks lily, I do feel a little better. I did manage not to squeeze the spots on my cheeks because in the morning I want to be able to show the doctor the type of breakouts I get. I use a very gentle face wash called cetaphil from walmart or target, I make sure to use it exactly twice a day. My skin always feels really great and clean right after, but it doesn't take much time at all for the oily-ness to come back. I used to use a benzoyl peroxide I bought at dollar general called "clear zit" to dry out problem spots, and it is pretty effective, but I found myself abusing it, getting carried away and rubbing it all over my face, which makes my skin burn and peel. Another product I SWEAR BY are the "clean and clear oil absorbing sheets" which work like a dream for me because my face tends to become greasy while exposed to paint fumes all day. I wipe my face with a sheet rather than washing it because over washing can lead to breakouts.
I'm really glad to hear you are doing well, hope you can keep it up! You still haven't said what you like to do...?

[fixme]

Yesterday I went to a laser specialist. I told her my symptoms as far as the breakouts, but not the picking. She nodded at everything I said and replied "yep, yep, see it all the time, people in their 20's, 30's, even 40's." She told me to wear sunscreen every day, specifically spf 30 neutrogena for babies, and gave me a face wash called Gyltone to swap with my Cetaphil regimen, which she agreed is gentle, "but it won't clear up your acne." The visit cost $200, and we made an appointment to come back in August for a "PTD" or photodynamic laser treatment. It costs $650 per 2.5 hour session, and she said that 2 sessions should have close to an 80% success rate of clearing up my acne.

I'm very nervous and skeptical about all of this. The treatment was invented by germans in 2009. It's extremely harsh and uncomfortable, and I will feel like my face is severely sunburnt for about a week afterward. I'm expecting a call from a girl who has had several treatments, so hopefully she will have positive things to say about it.

I don't know where else to turn. My jawline had been consistently broken out for at least 2 months now, and new spots appear on my face every morning. I get depressed about it. I pick at it to try and get it off, and I make it worse. I was hoping that looking forward to the treatment would prevent me from picking at my current problem spots, but I continued to pick and squeeze at the same areas on my right jaw and cheek this morning. Maybe if I could believe that it will work. It will work, then I could feel better.

I feel depressed and want to sleep all day today.

[fixme]

I never really woke up today. Woke up very late, went to work exhausted and stayed that way. Won't have any trouble falling asleep. According to my photos I think that there has been a little improvement during the first half of this week. I think it was last Thursday that I had a bad episode, and tomorrow is Thursday again! It hasn't been perfect, I have still been guilty of popping a zit when I see it, and scratching at my jaw unconsciously, but I have made it a week without getting lost in front of the mirror and feeling deeply remorseful afterward. That's a pretty major accomplishment! I know that if I don't keep a realistic understanding that I still have a problem, I will forget and relapse. I am playing phone tag with the girl I'm supposed to talk to who's done the ptd surgery, but as of now the appointment is still on.

[fixme]

I'm starting to feel the hurt of breaking up. I keep wondering, "why doesn't he call me?" I miss my best friend. I'm sitting around every day waiting to work, obsessing about my skin, and getting fat. My skin is healing though. There are still bumps, but like my sister said today, "Who cares? It's not like you're deformed. People don't stop and stare." I'm sick about the obsession with 'pretty' that drives everyone in our culture. I'm sick that boys only want "hot girls" and not real people. Well I'm a real person and if that means I have to be alone than so be it. I won't dress up for anyone but me. I'm not happy though. I don't feel 'pretty.' I feel sad and lonely, and frowning isn't a pretty thing. Yep. I look just how I feel. Terrible.

[fixme]

I'm getting better. The left side of my face is almost completely healed. There are two slowly healing red patches on my right jaw and cheekbone that I unconsciously target to pick at when I'm driving or bored. No new breakouts of any consequence, a few small whiteheads that I managed not to touch. Some days when I look in the mirror, I can't see too many pores or blackheads, and my skin appears somewhat smooth to me (minus the problem areas that I caused with my fingers). Other days it's like my skin is littered with blackhead tips, just-below-the-surface- zits, huge pores, etc. and I can't help fussing, pinching. scratching, squeezing at it. Today was a good skin day, and he did call me, a few hours after I complained about missing him, so that made me feel better too. Tomorrow I'd like to get a haircut and clean my car some. I guess I lost the second member of my "support group." Truthfully, I don't know why I write here every day, it's therapeutic I guess, not directly for my skin, but for my mind. I'm able to read a real account of how I'm handling my problem even when I lose touch with reality, which is quite often. Having the photos each day to accompany the entries also helps me see my progress for what it is in reality, which is not even close to perfect, but a lot better than where I started two months ago.

[fixme]

It's 5 am on I guess what is now Sunday the 18th of July, 2010. I have some bad hiccups from drinking too much tonight. After work I decided to go to my sister's house and have a couple of drinks with her. Maybe to forget about how lonely I was feeling today. We had a good time skating and hanging out with a few friends, then watched a movie, but after everyone was asleep and I was still awake, I wandered into the bathroom and commenced what may have been the longest picking session I've experienced all summer. My pores all felt full, maybe because I hag been sweating, but I stood there and pinched out every blackhead I could see. Literally Hundreds. I still feel numb from drinking, but I know that the deep shame for what I've done will kick in soon enough. I felt compelled to drive home at 430 in the morning to take pictures and write down what I have done. I think I already knew, but now I definitely know that drinking is a big trigger, so I'll have to quit that. I just wanted to go out and meet some new people tonight, I'm feeling incredibly lonely. But that didn't pan out and maybe that's what made me drink so much and start picking. It was me. Just me, letting my guard down, feeling a need for a level of escape that can't be achieved for me with rum. So I'm ready to start over. I most likely have at least a week of bad breakouts to come that will be a direct result of the picking. It's very disheartening. I just want to go out on a date. Now I feel like my life, once again, must be postponed for a week before I can even get my hopes up for such a thing the way I did today. Then, after a week, If things don't work out again It'll start right back over like it always seems to. Seventh. Circle. Hell.

[fixme]

oh man I really messed up. Im afraid to look in the mirror this morning. I can't sleep anymore, but I reeeeaaaallly don't want to do the whole life thing today. At. All. What was it I said I wanted to do on my day off? Work. Yeah. Keeps my mind off things. Can't work...clean my car maybe? take it to the car wash? I don't think that was it either. hmm. I don't want to even get up without a semi plan because it's going to be a depressing day. No more drinking alone and looking in mirrors.

[fixme]

The photo's I just took don't do justice to the damage that I've just done to my skin. It's there and I've made it ten times worse. I knew I didn't want to get up today. I'm severely depressed, lonely, and clearly sick. There is clearly something wrong in my brain that I do this to myself when I'm sad. I went to the bathroom to dab on a spot of makeup, then I noticed a few raised spots, thinking I'd just use makeup to cover those up too, and before I knew it, I was having another picking episode where my brain shuts off and I step back ten minutes later to find a very disgusting mess. It makes me forget the sadness I feel about other things, and I was having a particularly miserable day dwelling on the break up situation. Now I'm putting myself down because I was supposed to be somewhere half an hour ago, and I can't bring myself to leave the house yet. I want to cry and sleep forever.

[fixme]

Life is such a frustrating process. Why does everything take so much time? It's especially hard to understand that we're just along for a ride, something else is blowing us around like tumbleweeds, and we rarely end up where we intended in the first place. Letting go of all the plans, the control, and the expectations is very very hard. My brain can't handle when I set myself up for so much disappointment, so I pick, maybe because it's something I feel like I have control over, even though reality is the opposite. Helps me to be in the "NOW". I didn't pick up the book "The Power of NOW" from the store because I thought it looked lame, but I need to admit that "NOW" is something I don't fully understand how to find all the time. I think I'll buy it tomorrow, even if all that's in it are things I've heard before.

[fixme]

Ordinarily I steer clear of anything on Oprah's Book List on principal, but I'm glad I picked up "The Power of NOW" by Eckhart Tolle, if only for the effort it took to let go of my pride and embarrassment purchase the thing. I read the first maybe 15 pages at work today, and started marking passages that were particularly relevant to me. He talks about how the ego, or the unbridled random thinking that our brains do on a constant basis, can actually be eliminated, or at least shrunk, with practice. I personally have trouble keeping my thoughts and emotions from controlling me, and that's when they become compulsions. He also mentions how much it can drain your energy, which I underlined as fitting for me. I always feel "too tired to think right now" but at the rate I'm going, the day I'm ready to think will never come.

I have decided to cancel the $650 +week-of-pain laser appointment, because it seems like a very extreme promise for a quick fix, and sounds way too good to be true, and I thought the doctor looked like an old lady trying to plastic surge herself into a barbie. Not for me, thanks.

I still think hypnosis sounds kind of fun, even if it doesn't work for my picking, it's something I could scratch off my "never-have-i-ever" list, so I'm going to look into that instead.

[fixme]

I spend a good amount of time throughout my very busy day today thinking about what I read, and trying to "listen to my thoughts as an unbiased observer" It's pretty hard to distinguish which "part of myself" is doing the thinking. I don't think I was even close to successfully maintaining and state of calmness or peace, and after I washed my face just now, I squeezed at 3 or 4 of the biggest spots on my cheek and chin, places that were painful to touch, they feel infected. Today flew by so fast just like all the days. I don't know when the fast forward button got punched, but it's stuck that way. Tolle talks about a state of "being in the now" where there is no such thing as the past or future, which is time. That sounds like a nice place to be.