Skin picking and depression

[fixme]

This morning I went straight to the mirror before I was even awake enough to decide what to do, but I caught myself and stopped after creating one pretty painful red spot on my chin. I just went into my parents bathroom with the intention of dabbing on a little makeup. My skin was looking less red, but the unevenness and the uncomfortable lack of balance, the oily/dryness, is bothering me today, so I pinched about 5 spots in the mirror, and now it's red. I just took pictures of it. It doesn't look too bad. What to do? I need to start the day, have a plan for the rest of the down time I've got so I don't spend it messing up. I want to make it to Saturday without any skin episodes.

[fixme]

okay its wednesday and I'm going pretty strong. Maybe I'm just too tired to worry about it. I can't slow down my brain, but I'm not thinking about anything productive. It's the most stress free day I've had all week, and yet I feel soooo anxious, high strung, generally not chill at all. I don't want a chance to stop and think about my life because it depresses me, I don't know why, my life is good. I need a new hobby other than picking at my skin. feeling good about my goal. I can make it to Saturday. I miss having someone to talk to about everything, someone that actually listens. Everything except this nasty little habit of mine, that is. I don't feel right talking to him until I can be honest about what I've been going through, and I'm afraid that once I manage to solve this problem, there will be nothing left to hide behind as an excuse for the end of my relationship. I'll have to come to grips with the fact that it just didn't work. We don't love each other any more. That's a lot to swallow, and it seems that face picking has been my way of avoiding full-on reality for a long time. I'll get through this, at least for the next 4 days.

[fixme]

I apologize to anyone who finds this and wants to use it as an actual blog. It seems to have become my personal online diary. I'm getting sick and it couldn't come at a worse time. Well, it could, but it sucks all the same. My face is looking pretty good. I spent a short time looking in the mirror today at myself and not at my flaws, and I felt good about it. I was even a little sad that I didn't have anyone with whom I could share the pretty I felt today. My ego shrinks and expands like a balloon. I've got work everyday until saturday, so that should help distract me from any episodes. I hope there's no valley waiting at the edge of this self esteem peak I'm feeling today. I'm trying to focus my energy on the innermost parts of myself, the 'core self', but it's like digging to china with a fork. I don't know when my thoughts are purely "me", and when they are from an outside source, or if they are ever not from an outside source. It's confusing and overwhelming and I could use a little zen tonight.

[fixme]

What has gone wrong?!?! my last post was less than 12 hours ago, my skin felt good. I had some stressful dreams. I woke up this morning and washed my face as usual with the same stuff as usual. Now it looks and feels like I've got a burning rosacea all over my face! I was out in the sun for some time yesterday, that's all I can think to attribute it to. I want to go to the pool today, but it seems that my acne is going to prevent me from doing so. There is a very inflamed spot on my right cheekbone, I touched it and made it somewhat worse. My skin feels paper thin, I scratched a healing scab on my jaw and it's bleeding like crazy. I have crappy skin. It runs in my family. I'm just going to have to make due with it and treat it extra nice because it can't seem to handle the elements like normal people's skin. Maybe all of my picking over the years has made it this way. If so, it will take a looong time to heal.

[fixme]

I messed it up again. Had an "episode." Couldn't make it a single week. My last post wasn't even an hour ago. Here comes the depression, the loneliness, and the anger for what I can't stop doing. My face ITCHES for me to just SCRATCH IT OFF. My jaw is bleeding and it still itches. I squeezed out about two dozen little blackheads all over my lower cheeks on both sides. Pores that would have been invisible to anyone except my psychotic scrutinizing self standing two inches from a mirror. I knew it was happening as I was doing it and I couldn't make myself stop until I stood back and saw the red mess I had made of myself. I feel like a hopelessly depressed shut in when this happens. I feel totally worthless. I CANT THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO DO TO MAKE THIS STOP. It's like the minute I start feeling good, I think I'm cured, and the monster in me comes right back out to make it 100 times worse.

[fixme]

It's friday night. I did okay today besides some minor scratching in the car, and the big spot on the bridge of my nose has become an open sore after several attempts to press on it. I have an appointment on tuesday morning with a doctor who does cosmetic laser surgeries. Still have been unable to find a counselor to talk to about the emotional part. Still considering hypnotism too, if not only because it sounds interesting and I want to see how it works. I don't feel like much of a person at all. I get irritated with my mom but the truth is that she has always truly been my best friend. Sometimes I think she's been the only reason I haven't come totally unhinged these past few weeks. I do feel unhinged in a way. I am so detached from any kind of world that I could really make myself a part of. Everyone I know is moving forward with their lives, and I feel like I've just sort of hit a real detour, where I am neither here nor there. No thoughts or feelings about anything really. Losing my closest friend of 3 years is starting to feel like losing a limb; still numb right now, not able to feel it or understand it too much. Enough to bring tears to my eyes at the mention of his name, but I wouldn't call it suffering. I feel invisible and without a place in the world, and as though no one needs me except my family, but that's more than a lot of people have. Everyone gets depressed through their whole lives, I don't know why I break my neck trying to figure out how to prevent it. I get down on myself for not doing more, not doing better, never enough, I'll never be happy with the work I do until I become someone else, basically.

[fixme]

I had a short episode this morning. My family is in town, and the plan was to get up, get dressed, and go to the pool with them. I actually rationalized in my head why it was I needed to go look in the mirror, told myself I wouldn't be touching my face. WHY IS THERE A LITTLE LIAR IN ME? I CAN'T EVEN BE HONEST WITH MYSELF!!! I'm still going to go to the pool even though I just feel like curling up and going back to bed and starting over tomorrow. I am not aware of my true physical appearance at all a lot of the time. Pictures of me always surprise me, sometimes good, sometimes bad. Is that normal? to not know what you look like? surely it is. It would be abnormal to walk around all day holding a mirror in front of your face.
The way I touch my skin uncontrollably is not normal. The acne exacerbates the picking, and the picking exacerbates the acne. I'm in the seventh circle of hell.

[Lily]

Hi my name is lily I know exactly what you are going through. I wake up and go to bed thinking about my skin. I am obsessed with it. I take little bumps and turn them into huge sores with the skin missing around them. I amvisiting family now and picked a small place right when I got to there house. I am now so angry with myself and depresses. Vi cannot sleep. I don't want people to know this obsession I have. Sometimes I annoyed ridden for weeks because I have so many sore. I was wandering if you would like to compete with me. I need a partner In this. Somebody who understands.

[fixme]

That sounds good, Lily. I'm getting tired of writing just to myself in this blog every day. I never thought of a competition but that's a really good idea! I've been keeping track of when I pick in general by posting on here, but if you want to make it more specific, like writing down the number of times you catch yourself doing it in a day, I guess that would be one way to "keep score."

If it's a competition, I feel like there should be a "reward" at the end, like whoever has the best results after 2 weeks gets to go to the spa for a facial or something. (That's something I've never done because I've always been too embarrassed of my acne/sores, but I would be so proud of myself if I got to do that)

what do you think?

[Lily]

That sounds like a plan. Let's just take it day by day and do our best. I have 2 very large sores on my face now and keep picking at them throughout the day I get do angry after I do this and wish that I could just have the self control to win this fight. I even know the time ityakes for certain types of wounds to heal. I will not touch my face again today. What is your name? How long have you had this problem? Okay tomorrow is gonna be a great day! Let's do this How long does it take to break a habit?

[fixme]

My name is Lori. I'm 22 and my problem started in the third grade. My skin is looking decent today except for a sore on the bridge of my nose, and one on my chin. I don't have especially high hopes that this habit will ever be completely broken for me. March first is my birthday, that's the day I admitted I had a problem and started trying to become conscious of what I'm doing. I started this blog in late May because I wasn't getting any better and I was reaching out for help. So I'd say I've been trying to stop for 5 months now. I've been setting a goal lately to try and make it one full week without picking, but haven't been successful yet. It's very very hard to stay conscientious and aware for a full week without slipping off into lala land, which is where my brain goes when I start picking. Admittedly, I already have one point against me, I scratched at my cheek a few minutes ago.

[Lily]

I understand how you are feeling. I have picked the same place on my face all day. Are you one who cannot leave a large zit alone and if you have one and your out and about you stress til you can squeeze it. I then take thAt zit and turn it into a huge sore. It's as if I can feel everything on my face I can lay in bed and touch the same spot over and over again. I feel so ugly at times and hate myself. I think we can stop. We need to replace this obsession with something else. Ok tomorrow keep your hands off your face and do not look in the mirror. Imagine your going to s huge party and you don't want to have sores. When you start thinking about your skin think of the people you love and imagine them watching you do this to yourself. By the way I am 36. I live in south Carolina. I am married with children.

[fixme]

Okay. I think I can leave it alone today. It's a big wake up call to talk to someone with a family, because I have always imagined that getting married and starting a family is like the "happily ever after point." I think for a long time I almost relied on the idea that "When I'm older, I won't have this problem." and so I didn't make a full on effort to stop. I need to stop looking into the nonexistent future and start realizing that if I don't stop today, I'll be living with this forever. I go through bouts of depression too, and they are especially geared towards my appearance after a bad "episode" which is when I stand in front of the mirror for more than 15 minutes searching for imperfections, and making them worse. It happens at least once a week. My longest relationship has recently ended, and in 3 years my boyfriend only mentioned once that he wondered why my face still breaks out so much. My family never mentions anything because they all have similar anxiety issues, and have expressed no interest in quitting theirs with me. The Carolinas are beautiful, I live in Northwest Florida.

[Lily]

I have not squeezed or damaged anything on my face yet today. I did stand infront of the mirror for quite some time. How are you doing? I started picking my face 3 years into marriage. Myhusband I know is growing weary of it all. I sometimes stay in the house for weeks because of the sores. Picking takes up alot of the time I have with my husband and children. Have you ever spoken to a psychologist about it? My dermatologist wants to put me on a OCD medication. I think I might do this and see if it helps with the obsession. Who knows! At this point I am depressed and cannot see the light at the end. I am hopeless I hope you are having a good day

[fixme]

I've done alright so far today. Scratched at the red patches on both sides of my jaw a little in the car, but had a fairly productive and good-mood day overall. I've removed most of the mirrors in my house, but I found myself wandering to the one in the kitchen all morning. I went to the mall, and felt pretty confident, but noticed how much I was thinking about the way I looked, good or bad, just kept mulling and obsessing about it. It's terribly vain and obnoxious, and actually lonely too.
The posts on the first page of this blog are from about 2005, but a lot of them talk about how medication only ended up exacerbating their problems. Personally, I'm insistent upon exhausting EVERY POSSIBLE tactic over medication. I've looked into talking to a therapist or counselor, but there aren't any female ones practicing in my town. I think that having someone to talk to who has experience with BDD patients would be ideal.
I do have an appointment with a cosmetic laser surgeon on tuesday simply because she was the only female non-dermatologist in town that deals with acne, if only to go for the consultation and see what her opinion is on my problem. I've also considered calling a local hypnotist who is popular in town to see what she thinks.
I'm setting a date for the spa facial. Today is Sunday July 11th. I'd like to call and make an appointment by next sunday, and go the following week, July 21st.